Monthly Archives: March 2012

Pensioner’s Perambulations: Highway Ode 5

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The proliferation of electric scooters in our towns and cities over the last few years has been a mixed blessing. It has vastly increased the mobility of pensioners, but also the laziness of those whose obesity could do with a little light exercise. You are now possibly at greater risk of being run over inside the supermarket or on the pavement than by a bus on the street. I have had my foot driven over three times so far this year while shopping resulting in stoney glares as if it was my fault. However as with everything it is the minority that gain the publicity…

A Pensioners Perambulations

Aged-Albert stalks the pavement
Drives his four-wheeled electric-powered cart
“Youth of today should respect me”
Instead they call him an ‘effing old fart’

He pulls up outside the local shop
His horn beeps over and over
‘I fought the war on air, land and shore’
(He never went further than Dover)

On his way back home in the road
Ignores the drivers tirade
In his mind he is back, on the attack
Or leading the Victory parade

He is rude to the care-staff who tend him
Although they do what they can
They all know, despite puff and blow
In the end he’s a lonely old man

© Baldock Bard
Just 13 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns
 for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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Fuel Guage

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With the fuel tanker drivers threatening strike action, panic-led queues have formed at petrol stations. Due to panic buying prices have reached £1.53/litre in places. The army have been put on standby. The government, opposition and unions have been quick to exploit the situation for their own ends and are fast losing public support…

I’ve queued in some very strange places
I’ve queued for some very strange things
But sitting in a queue for a litre or two
No joy or happiness brings

Now I know tanker drivers are angry
Their pay average £45k
If there’s a spare place I’d join the race
And start to cart fuel today!

Bring home the troops from Afghanistan
To their families waiting back here
They’ll drive a truck and won’t give a f*ck
It’s safer, better paid with no fear

© Baldock Bard
Just 14 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns
 for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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Break out the Barbecue!

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It’s not often that you can barbecue in March. Last night we had the first of the season having dragged the griddle kicking and screaming from hibernation. The day had seen a high of over 20 degrees and this was a cause for celebration on a burger and sausage scale. So sit back, smell the fumes and enjoy my burnt offering…

March of the Barbecue

Break out the barbecue
Summer is here!
It may still be March
But we want cold beer

I found some old charcoal
Out in the shed
Along with a rat
I think it was dead

The griddle was filthy
(not put it away clean)
Industrial scraping
You know what I mean

I lit the old charcoal
Poured some fuel on
The flames reached the heavens
Now my eyebrows have gone

I sprayed on some water
To cool down the heat
Hotter than a furnace
Won’t be long ‘till we eat

On went the burgers
Sausage (no mash)
They sizzled and frizzled
Will be done in a flash

I flipped a ‘Value’ burger
I’d been a skinflint
It fell to the ground
That my Carbon footprint?

When we had eaten
Light started to slide
Barbecue heat now perfect
And we were inside!

© Baldock Bard

Just 15 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns
for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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Putting Up Shelves!

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Today I have been putting up some shelves. Having made use of the First Aid kit when hammer met finger, it made me think just what might have happened. I hope you enjoy this silly little verse…

Putting up some shelves,
with son-in-law, John,
I fell off the kitchen chair,
I was standing on!

Then I drove a nail,
right into the wall,
had no idea,
the pipe was there at all.

Mopped up the water,
on the floor did slip,
all the spare chipboard,
is now fit for the skip.

Used some decent rawl-bolts,
drilled into the wall,
after the flash and sparks,
there’s no electricity at all

Admired our fancy handy-work,
but my wife did frown,
when we loaded the shelf with china,
the bloody thing fell down!

Now I’m in the doghouse,
until who knows when?
As for putting up more shelves,
I won’t be asked again!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns for its 20th Season
on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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Arthur, June and Rover: Highway Ode 4

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Since the demise of the Rover car company in the UK, there has been nothing to replace it as the car maker of choice for the discontented elderly driver. There are suggestions that maybe Honda has come close, but they are altogether a more reliable and sensible car and therefore not first choice for the Arthur’s of this world. Any advice on the subject would be gratefully received…

Arthur drives a Rover,
Trilby hat upon his head,
driving gloves and car coat,
his cheeks are glowing red.

He sits in the middle lane
at fifty-five no more,
“It wasn’t like this when I was young,
just before the war.”

He shouts at other drivers,
quite often he’s obscene,
“I pay my tax, I pay my rates,
I sing ‘God save the Queen.'”

June sits there beside him,
she never makes a fuss,
in a year or so his licence will go,
she’ll happily take the bus!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Cosy Suppers at No 10

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The story surrounding the resignation of the Conservative Party co-treasurer, Peter Cruddas (following a sting by a Sunday newspaper), refuses to lie down. It’s going to be a difficult week for the Prime Minister.

Fancy a cosy supper at Number Ten?
Give £250k to the Tories then!
Before Comrade Miliband starts to glower,
remember jailed colleagues when you were in power?
It’s nothing new (or so it appears),
It’s been happening for hundreds of years.
Whether you’re Left or whether you’re Right,
The whole miserable lot can be summed up as ‘sh*te’.

© Baldock Bard

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

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NewsVerse & Worse 1

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Week-ending 24th March 2012
In the news this week: The Budget, a shooting in London and a Lottery mix-up in Denmark.

To stop revellers freeloading before they go clubbing,
An alcohol tax will give night-outs a drubbing!
To replace the missing billions squandered by Labour,
the budget proposes to Granny-tax your neighbour.
£1.40 per litre at the pumps for fuel,
re-think the school run: Swap the car for a mule.
But lo! What’s this, surely not an Osbornegate?
(One who’s wealthy but pays the tax lower rate?).
While there are things you can no longer afford,
The governments ring-fenced spending abroad.
A government announcement sent by fax:
“We’re just reinforcing certainties – birth, death and tax.”

A Russian banker shot on a London street,
did someone hit the following:
ctrl alt delete?

Playing the lottery with Danske Spil,
Made winning seem a bitter pill,
According to a ‘winner’ (I think called Sid),
“I celebrated a Billion, but received seventy quid!”
A spokesman apologised for the distress,
“Was human error that caused the mess”.

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Lucky!

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Some years ago, a seller at the boot sale was given the nickname ‘Lucky’ as it appeared that he had suffered from more than his fair share of bad luck in life. Whenever he passed the food stand, they would shout “Lucky” and he’d give them a one-fingered salute while a wicked grin spread across his face. Despite his constant misfortune he had a great sense of humour and was able to laugh at himself as well as laugh at others.
It was only when he stopped attending that everyone realized what an important part of our lives he’d become. So this is for you, Lucky, wherever you are, with our thanks for lightening our lives…

LUCKY

Lucky was a seller at the boot sale,
When others were winning, he would just fail.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.
He set out his stall, it took until ten,
By the time goods were out, time to load up again.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.

In winter a range of cheapest sun-lotion,
Sold snow chains in August, to help with the motion.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.
“Of course it’s pukka, one of my priorities!”
When caught selling fakes by the authorities
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.

His ex-BT van went up in smoke,
Some faulty lighters he bought from a bloke.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.
Instead of the van he bought a green trailer,
It’s left wheel came off, it was a failer.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.

He ‘out-Del Boyed’ Del Boy, was a real Trotter
Always the nice guy, never the rotter,
Lucky should be lucky for sure.
Now Lucky has gone, to sell stuff in heaven,
Took a wrong turning, ended up down in Devon.
Lucky, you’re lucky once more!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Bed Sizes

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I don’t know about you, but ever since our children were little our bed has never been big enough for a Sunday morning. Dogs and children vie for space and the bed groans under the weight. Even when our children had outgrown their parents we found the bed not large enough. Having had four dogs and a daughter leap on our bed the other morning it got me thinking and led to this, I hope you enjoy it…

Bed Sizes Through The Ages

When I was four,
my mother said:
“I think you now need a much bigger bed”

When I left home,
my girlfriend said:
“I think you could do with a larger bed”

When we were married,
my new wife said:
“I think we should share a much larger bed”

When we had a child,
my pregnant wife said:
“I think we’ll be needing a much bigger bed”

Crammed children and wife,
on a Sunday once said:
“I think we could do with a comfortable bed”

With grandchildren, wife
and three dogs instead:
“Thank heavens we’ve got a large enough bed”

Now in my eighties,
nursed and spoon-fed,
I’m thankful for memories of a once-larger bed.

© Baldock Bard

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Waiting at the Lights: Highway Ode 3

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The other day I was driving in a local town when I saw a ‘girly car’ stopped at the traffic lights. The driver was applying lipstick using the interior mirror while she waited for the lights to change. This reminded me that some time ago I wrote a verse that possibly conjured up such a scene…

Anne-Marie ponders
The state of her nails
And how to attract some predatory males
She uses the mirror
Because it is there
For applying her lippy and checking her hair
She wriggles her skirt
Repositions her top
Her boss will be panting and sweating non-stop
She knows other drivers
Are watching her preen
They’re welcome to look but if they touch she will scream

© Baldock Bard

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

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