The Mobile Food Emporium

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Finding a mobile food supplier that is suitable for the car boot sale is not as easy as it may at first seem. Over the years some have arrived by design and some by accident or default. This year we are changing again, not through choice, but because the couple who have been with us for the last two years have become so popular elsewhere. We wish Elaine and Steve all the very best of luck, we shall miss them.

Steve and Elaine’s Mobile Food Emporium

In a lay-by outside Royston,
On the A505,
Elaine and Steve will fulfill your need,
If you’re hungry when you drive.

They used to do the boot sale,
Until October last,
But those in the know won’t let them go,
And lose their fine repast.

Their bacon roll’s the finest,
Their burgers are all fine too,
But the great surprise in their enterprise,
Is the salad they’ll make for you.

So if your tummy is rumbling,
It’s lunchtime once again,
Ignore the golden arches,
And head for Steve and Elaine.

© Baldock Bard
Just 4 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk
Bootphone: 07852 707 074

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The Benefits of Yoga!

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A friend teaches Yoga classes and is always very positive about the benefits. This verse just seemed to pop into my head when I was in the ‘Confused Crab’ position (that took three strong men, ropes and a crowbar to rectify). Give it a try sometime, it’s remarkable what it can achieve…

Benefits of Yoga

On the way back from Yoga,
Her hair’s in a mess,
But her chi and her cho are in place.
She hums as she drives,
And when she arrives,
There’s a smile all over her face.

Nothing today will upset her,
Her boss may scream or may shout,
She knows for sure,
Why he’s so sore,
He needs yoga to sort himself out.

She’s tried to tempt him to classes,
By performing the ‘fish’ and the ‘dog,’
But to suggestions he’s blind,
There’s sex on his mind,
He has to rush (for relief) to the bog.

That evening she wishes him ‘goodnight,’
He puts his hand on her knee,
In two seconds flat,
He’s down on his back,
She forgot to mention Tai-chi!

© Baldock Bard
Just 5 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk
Bootphone: 07852 707 074

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The Three Mice and the Easter Egg!

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This is a story written for Easter. I’d like to dedicate it to Marsya, a wonderful and inspirational friend who is loved and cherished by all who know her. Happy Easter Mars.
The Three Mice and the Easter Eggs!

Once there were two brother mice and their sister who lived under the floorboards at Bard Towers, the home of Mr and Mrs Baldock Bard. Their names were: Greed E-ee-ee, Nose E-ee-ee and their sister Brain E-ee-ee (E-ee-ee simply means ‘Mouse’ according to the Mouse/English Dictionary and is usually shortened to a single ‘e’ after it’s primary use).
One day Nose E ran to find the others “Brothers,” he said, “She has come back from the shops, our harvest is here.”
Greed E, being extremely excited and keen on food said, “What’s she got, come on, tell us, what’s she got?”
Brain E simply sat quietly, deliberating on what goodies might be awaiting her.
“Well, I think it might be special eggs, because I heard Her tell Him to put the eggs in a safe place, but not one so safe that they’d be lost for months like last year,” said Nose E.
A couple of days later, despite a thorough search of the store cupboard, the top of the kitchen dresser (a place where wonderful delicacies had been discovered in the past) and even the cutlery drawer (reached by a perilous ascent of the rear face of the ‘Kitchen Units’), they were no closer in discovering the special hiding place.
Brain E suddenly spoke, an unusual event as she required many minutes quality thinking time before a speech and normally by the time this had been achieved the pronouncement was out of date and so not delivered.
“I think it’s in the Harry Potter Cupboard.”
The other two tut-tutted and did that little motion with their right arm against their heads which, in the male mouse world, suggested stupidity or girly thoughts.
Brain E spoke again, an occurrence so rare that they were stunned into silence,
“I’m sure it must be in the cupboard under the stairs, because when I was nibbling my way through The Order of the Phoenix in the bookshelf I spied Him sneakily open the cupboard, grab something, quickly unwrap it and pop it into his mouth. I think it could be big C!”
The utterance of the phrase ‘big C’ had now gained the full attention of the other two.
“Let’s go!” they squealed in excitement, “we must find big C, big C is good, big C is the baddest food in the neighbourhood, big C is yummy in our tummy,” and then like knights embarking on a quest shouted, “To the Potter Cupboard.”
Almost instantly this outcry was followed by a more subdued, “where did you say it was?”
By this time the use of so many words, a culmination of so much thought, had thoroughly exhausted Brain E and she was fast asleep.
After a nap and a light grooming session, Brain E was ready to lead the expedition to the Potter Cupboard. There was only one problem, because as a girl she’d never led an expedition before and as every decision had to be pondered upon, it was at least an hour before they set off.
When they finally arrived in the cupboard under the stairs they were faced with a large carrier bag.
“What does it say?” Nose E and Greed E asked in unison.
Brain E, being the only one who could read, looked up at the giant bag with the green writing.
“It says,” she hesitated as in her mind she looked at the letters W A I T R O S E, and in a rush, which surprised her, blurted out “it says we must wait.”
“How long?” said Greed E whose tummy rumblings could be heard from at least fifty feet away.
“It doesn’t say,” replied Brain E, “but as it’s written in English and we talk Mouse, it can’t apply to us and so perhaps…”
By this time she was talking to herself as the other two were already disappearing into the bag. By the time she joined them Greed E was tucking into a bag of Buttons, “Hey! Brain E, what do they put into these big C Buttons to make them so good?” he spluttered through a mouthful of chocolate. Nose E had his head inside a large chocolate egg and was testing the echo: “Hello-o-o, anyone there–there–there, it’s me-me-me ”. Brain E took a small morsel from the chewed opening into the egg and sat back to savour the taste.
Some time later they were sated and could eat no more and sat back to sleep off the effects of too much big C.
For the next few days they made frequent forays to the Potter Cupboard until one morning when the two boys suggested a return to gorge, Brain E shook her head, “there’s no point, I was in the bookcase this morning just starting on The Half-Blood Prince when He arrived and took the bag away, He was very cross and She shouted at Him.”
Her two brothers looked crestfallen. Greed E clutched his stomach and moaned, “I need big C, I shall starve, I need big C” before falling to the ground, beating the floor with his fists in a full-on tantrum (all the while taking sneaky looks at his sister to provide a magic answer). Nose E sulked a sulk so deep and powerful that his eyebrows arched like a bridge over a ravine and his lower lip stuck out beyond his long pointed nose.
Brain E was cross at their spoilt reaction, yet at the same time they were her brothers and even though she was supposed to be a member of the weaker sex, her mother had coached her well in the art of dealing with tantruming men.
“Alright,” she said, “Follow me, but you must do what I say, no matter how distracted you may be, do as I say, alright?”
They climbed down into the cupboard as before but she started to lead them towards the far corner.
Greed E stopped in his tracks, a smell of something so wonderful was pulling him and his brother back to where the bag had once been.
“Follow me to the big C,” shouted their sister.
“But it smells so wonderful, I must try it,” said Nose E.
Greed E’s stomach grumbled on full volume, “I must eat this wonderful meal,” he groaned, “why do you not let us, you are evil keeping us away from something so wonderful.”
Brain E rushed past them and stood in their way, “I shall swing for the first one who tries to pass me,” she said holding up her minute hands. Greed E made a rush to get past her, her foot moved at lightening speed to trip him and he fell against an old golf club that knocked the wind out of him. When he could speak he turned to his brother, “she hit me, knocked me out cold, why didn’t you stop her?”
His brother Nose E screwed up his eyes in concentration just as Brain E kicked out towards an old umbrella which fell on top of him, pinning him to the floor.
“Right,” she said firmly, “follow me!” and she led them back to the far corner where an enormous Easter Egg was hidden behind an old newspaper.
When they had eaten their way through a sizeable chunk of the egg she suddenly hushed them.
“Come on, we must go before we’re caught.”
They were now so afraid of her that they followed.
As the two brothers were halfway up the electric wire that led back to the upstairs they heard a scream from in front of them, they stopped.
“That sounded like Brain E,” said Nose E.
“Perhaps it’s a trap?” said Greed E.
A strange voice echoed down from above.
“Come on up boys!”
When they climbed out of the hole from the cupboard the two mice were confronted by the sight of their sister pinned down by two large mice while another was biting her tail.
“Well hello boys!” said the large mouse still holding their sister’s bleeding tail, “so good of you to join us, now if you’ll tell us where the big C is hidden, you can all be on your way.”
“Over my dead body!” said Nose E.
“That’s right,” said his brother.
“Wrong,” said the big mouse, a sneer unfolding on his face, “over your sister’s dead body,” and with that he lashed out with a claw and a line of blood appeared on her face. “Now I’ll ask again, where is the big C, it’s no use lying as I can smell it on your sisters fingers.”
The two brothers said at once, “it’s down there, behind the newspaper in the corner, it’s wonderful and plenty of it!”
“There’d better be or we’ll be back,” said the cruel mouse, “come on you two, we have chocolate to eat,” and in a flash they were off down to the cupboard.
“They’ll not be back,” said Brain E gently rubbing the blood away from her face, “let’s watch.”
By the time they reached the hole and peered over the edge the three other mice had reached the floor. At the same place where Greed E and Nose E had smelt the wonderful smell they watched the three stop in their tracks, turn and as if mesmerised, begin to walk in the opposite direction to the big egg.
“five, four, three, two, one” said Brain E, the other’s looking at her with puzzled looks on their faces.

SNAP!

“What was that?” said Greed E and Nose E together.
“Little Nipper and Peanut Butter!” said their sister as she got up and walked away.

© Baldock Bard
Just 6 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk
Bootphone: 07852 707 074

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Cold Caller Calling!

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I am being plagued by cold callers at the moment. So much so that I am beginning to ignore those whose number shows as being withheld. Having answered yet another cold call my concentration is shot and not only have I wasted the time the call took but also lost concentration…

I rushed to the phone,
just got there in time,
another cold caller,
on the end of the line.

Did I want a change,
of telecomms supplier?
superb double glazing?
or ornate fake-log fire?

He asked me if,
I was having a nice day,
I replied that I would be,
if he’d simply go away.

The only calls I welcome
From folk who want to chat,
I’d disconnect the line,
if it wasn’t for that!

© Baldock Bard
Just 7 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

Bootphone: 07852 707 074

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Faulty Access Friday!

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As you know, I live in a cave outside the town of Baldock. Living like this has it’s advantages (no roof maintenance, no windows to clean and no stairs), however a downside is dial-up-like internet speeds that prompts cave visitors to come over all nostalgic (along with a yearning for the return of Wooly Mammoth burgers and Man the hunter and provider). This week I decided to do something about my access and, being never wrong, turned my ‘righteous dial’ up to maximum with disastrous results…

Faulty Access Friday

My internet access has been the worst that you know,
Despite engineer’s visit, it was tortoise-like slow,
He plugged in a tester that showed it’s ok,
And said it would speed up some other day.

It took many minutes to load the test site,
No ‘Mega Barks Per Susan’ confirmed it not right,
We’re not up a mountain or a remote part of Wales,
“I want to upgrade to dialup,” I told them in sales!

Good Friday morning, eight days to go!
Tried to update my website, it was a definite ‘No’,
Took twenty minutes to load up the test,
Went and had a coffee, give my temper a rest.

Sitting at the table I had an idea,
I had purchased a protection plan with the laptop last year,
At a call centre in Ireland a teckie drank tea,
Waiting for a complainer who happened to be me.

Over the telephone (an outdated mode),
Rory gave instructions to avoid an implode.
“Don’t worry, it’s simple, my thirteenth today,
We’ll fix that in a minute just do as I say.”

So now I must apologise to those I have sworn at,
The providers of technology (that confuses the cat)
BT and Apple, I’ve maligned you with glee,
The real stupid idiot, all along was just ME!

And now that I’ve written this silly little rhyme
It’s off to the blog site to put it on line
Click on to ‘Publish’, everything goes real slow
If this has now surfaced will someone let me know?

© Baldock Bard
Just 8 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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Delights of a Drive-thru!

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Some time ago i was driving down the motorway, tummy rumbling and hungry enough to start chewing on the steering wheel. Finally I could take it no more and had to eat something, if only to silence my vocal stomach. On biting into the burger some of the mayo/sauce spilt down my shirt and had to attempt to clean myself up. Having expanded the affected area by at least 100% I realised that the tissues had as much absorbency as cling-film and gave up, resigning myself to an inquisition regarding the breaking of my diet when I reached home. This set me thinking and here are those thoughts, I hope you enjoy them…


Confessions from a Drive-thru!

On way to meeting.
Stomach gurgles due to absence of breakfast from day’s schedule.
Roadside sign excites hypnotic voice in head:
“Quick Easy Tasty Burger Must Eat NOW!
Join queue behind yellow base-thumping youth-mobile.
Charcoal grill fumes register in brain as exotic barbecue.
Taste buds find overdrive.
Photos on menu board look positively gastronomic,
Taste buds now in hyper-drive.
Grey box on stalk issues undecipherable instructions.
Attempt to order, “Err… I’ll have err..”
Study board again, normal cerebral activity overtaken by indecisiveness.
In haste choose first item on list.
“Err… One big err… mega burger meal with err…fries and um… cola.”
Box squawks.
Don’t understand answer.
Follow drum and base to second window.
Pray order understood.
Mini patio doors open, acne-stained youth mumbles:
“Mega burger fries wiv cola eight seventy-seven.”
Grope for change in pocket hindered by seat belt.
Exchange cash for drink.
No cup holder therefore nestle ice-cold drink between legs.
Brown paper bag thrust through window.
“Enjoy your meal,” grunted as window closes.
Drive to parking space with numb inner thighs.
Open bag with anticipation.
First bite splurges mayonnaise onto tie and shirt.
Fries cold, freezing drink invades dental cavity.
Hands & chin ingest burger-juice.
Non-absorbent napkin smears face and hands.
Stuff remains into brown bag.
No litterbins, throw bag into passenger foot well.
Smell becomes unwanted companion.
Arrive late at meeting.
Dash to toilet to wash.
Soap dispenser empty.
Enter meeting.
Everyone turns to look as burger-odour walks in first.
I follow, wet patch between legs still evident.
Mutter apologies.
Eyes behold mound of sandwiches on table.
Burger growls in stomach while taking on size of seven-course meal.
Try to concentrate on agenda.
Focus instead on restraining bodily gasses.
Smell of burger only contribution to assembly.
Meeting finally closes.
Hurried departure formalities.
Ignore lift, rush to stairwell to vent pressure from rectum.
Noise amplified throughout building.
Return to lift, boss looks puzzled.
“err…Forgotten my err… notes.”
Take odorous stairs down to car park
Drive away in car that still smells of burger
Swear never to repeat experience
Repeat the following week

© Baldock Bard
Just 9 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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House Hunting the Morris Way!

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Some people hate moving house. They procrastinate for days, weeks, months or even years in a perpetual ‘shall we? shan’t we?’. Some eventually preferring to stay put rather than make a decision. I have a friend who is the exact opposite. While out jogging the other day she spied a similar house to hers in an estate agent’s window and within the fortnight had not only sold her house but bought her latest ‘dream house’ as well. This, in verse form is her story…

House Hunting the Morris Way!

Some people stay in just one place
Because moving house they cannot face
Well there’s a woman that we know
She moves house in just one go

A few weeks since she was jogging past
an Estate Agents window, “gotta move fast!”
Looked at the photos – that’s like our dwelling
Oh good heavens look at the price it’s selling!

Rushed back home to tell the old man
“We’re moving house – a cunning plan!”
“But I’m quite happy with this one”
“Don’t worry dear, it’ll be such fun!”

A couple of weeks of looking spent
She’s found a house in a village in Kent
So from town they’re going to fly
She may even join the WI

In the garden live three chooks
They’ll be studying poultry books
What’s to follow? Maybe a sow?
They’re going to be like farmers now!

In Barbour and headscarf she’ll be seen
Taking tea on the village green
So if changing house is tiresome proving
Follow her example – just get speed-moving!

© Baldock Bard
Just 10 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Government Minister: Highway Ode 6

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Driving down a nearby motorway some time ago, I noticed blue lights in my rear-view mirror. I pulled over to let the police pass and noticed that after the two outriders came three identical black limousines all driving incredibly close together at speed. Later on I realised I’d just been overtaken by a certain politician and his entourage. This prompted thoughts (not all good!) and the following flowed onto the page, I hope you enjoy it…

The Government Minister

Recumbent on the back seat
Of his brand new limousine
The Minister’s just farted
A side the voters never seen

He’s on his way to the constituency
To try to save his seat
His one great fear is that some year
He will face defeat

He’ll have to kiss some babies
Kiss their mothers too
Be your bad luck if in the ruck
He winds up kissing you!

The traffic’s never a problem
Police motorcycles out in front
He’s cut their budget again this year
They both think he’s a ‘****’

The driver’s been around a bit
He’s always known the score
A subtle smile for the thermophile
He’s seen it all before!

© Baldock Bard
Just 11 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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Walking in the Park!

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I sat watching two terriers taking their owner for a walk in a park recently and thought ‘there has to be a story there somewhere’ and sure enough…

Two small white terriers running in the park,
They’re out walking their owner,
I think his name is Mark.
They’ve made him wear fluorescent,
He’s not safe out alone,
They’ll walk him to the furthest point,
And then they’ll run off home!

© Baldock Bard
Just 12 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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NewsVerse and Worse 2

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Week-ending 31st March 2012
It’s April Fools Day, it might just as well have been April Fools Week!
The panic over fuel supplies for the Easter period seems to be easing, meanwhile low levels in reservoirs in the South East have prompted a hose-pipe ban starting next Thursday.
Bosses at the Post Office have been given the green light to raise stamp prices to a level of their chosing, it must be only a matter of time before house to house deliveries are abolished and the organization suffers a fatal coronary. We are so lucky to have a wonderful postman, I fear for his future.

“Don’t panic, Captain Mainwearing,” Corporal Jones said,
there’s enough fuel for all, without losing your head.
The drivers are on overtime, to ensure supplies,
while they top up their salaries, that’s no surprise.

The turkeys at the Post Office are looking forward to Christmas,
A chance to raise stamp prices, they’ll definitely not miss.
If a stamp becomes more expensive than a Christmas card,
There’ll be a pruning of my list, that won’t be hard!
Very soon they’ll build houses without a letter box,
We’ll all use e-mail – that’ll guarantee them a loss.

We’re about to suffer a hosepipe ban here
There’s been too little water in the winter this year
But lo! What’s this, my wife with no clothes?
She’s in the garden, showering with hose!
A thousand-pound fine if watering you’re seen
Our neighbours might report her if our garden looks green!

© Baldock Bard
Just 12 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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