Monthly Archives: May 2012

The Home-Holiday!

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According to the latest survey by Boot-poll for this weeks Bootnews, home-holidays (or staycations) are growing in popularity. This is particularly true amongst the retired generation who are turning their backs on Benidorm for the more reassuring Brighton, Bridlington or Blackpool…

Fred and May have been away,
Last week as the temperatures soared,
They both look tanned and healthy,
Because they always go abroad!

I saw them at the boot sale,
They had a shock in store,
Yes! They’d been on holiday,
But they’d stayed on Britain’s shore.

They didn’t change their money,
No need to learn the lingo,
No runny-tummy-upsets,
Just fish and chips and bingo!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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The Two Wheelie Bins!

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Sometimes when I write I have no idea where the story comes from or where it is heading. Today’s stems from taking out the trash and took a most unusual direction. This Wednesday, wherever you are in the world, wish a stranger ‘Good Morning’ with a smile…

There once were two wheelie bins, lived in a local town,
One was black and shiny, the other one was brown.
They used to argue all the time, shouting all day long,
Whose contents were the best and whose were very wrong!
“My contents go for recycling,” said the brown bin with filled with glee,
“While your rubbish goes to landfill in lorry number three!”
The black bin was so flummoxed, had no clue of what to say,
“All you have is maggot-breath on a warm summer’s day!”
“Ith’s my thurn to empthy,” a maggot tickled Brownies tongue.
“Yes but you’ll have to wait for emptying, two bank holidays not just one!”
They were so busy arguing, neither noticed running kids,
They knocked them both to the floor, and kicked their gaping lids.
“Brownie are you alright there? I think I’ve just been sick!
My contents on the pavement, dirty plastic and a brick.”
The brown bin shuddered helplessly, “Can you please help me?
There’s a mouldy piece of pizza mixed with plastic and dry tea”
The two lay together, the night was long and dark,
Cats appeared to scavenge along with foxes from the park.
In the morning neighbours on smelling the dreadful smell,
Rang to complain to the council, “the stink down here is hell!”
A van arrived much later, fluorescent suits cleared up the spill,
And emptied them both together, destination was landfill!
The black bin whispered quietly when he knew the coast was clear,
“I just want to say my friend, I’m so glad that you were here.”
The brown bin smiled wistfully, the maggots all had gone,
“I’m so glad we live together, I can see that I was wrong.”
And so they live in harmony, enjoying a shared aim,
Because apart from their colour, they’re really both the same.

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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An Embarrassing Problem!

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I have an embarrassing problem. I have tried all the remedies: herbal, traditional, homeopathic, colourful and patterned but I still find it hard to find a matching pair of socks. I used to buy packs of socks with brightly coloured feet but that just served to highlight the problem. All suggestions will be gratefully received and treated in the strictest confidence…

Do you get given socks for Christmas?
And find yourself not amused?
You feel the package before opening,
A sense of disappointment perfused.

Well I have this little problem,
I’ve had it for a year,
There’s a sock black hole in my sock drawer,
One by one they disappear.

I tried buying industrial quantities,
An ‘out-buy the shortage’ idea,
I’ve tried to clip them together,
But it’s not worked at all I fear.

Now I’ve discovered the answer,
I now buy them all the same,
No fancy colours or patterns,
Has put an end to my odd-sock shame.

I go to the boot sale on Saturdays,
Mr Sock is there on Row One,
He has a fantastic selection to choose from,
I chose black by the sack – I’ve won!

Mr Sock sells socks (caps and hats too!)


© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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A Very Naughty Dog!

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Some friends came to stay at the weekend bringing their two children and their dog: all very well behaved until it came time to leave. The children and husband got straight into the car when told to, but their dog decided to play up. The more frustrated the mother became, the more the dog stayed just out of reach…

It had been a  sunny and pleasant weekend,
Everyone had enjoyed their time no end,
But now when it came time to leave,
Purdey the Lurcher disagreed.

She dodged to the left,
She dodged to the right,
Ran round in circles,
Ran out of sight.

Mother and dog have been to be trained,
As the dog misbehaved tempers were strained,
“That dog is so clever”, grinned a spectator,
“It goes round in circles like a rotator!”

“Get into the car,” shouted the mother,
(Daughter leapt in along with her brother),
“We’re leaving now, to avoid the fog,
Looks like you now own a very bad dog!”

The husband remarked: “this is for real!”
Calmly got out from behind the wheel,
“Sit there Purdey” there was no plead,
And calmly attached the dogs leather lead!

The dog was caught, the panic removed,
To make enough space luggage was moved,
And so they left, the dog in disgrace,
Grinning through the back window, a ‘not sorry’ face!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Disappearing Haunts!

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One of my earliest childhood memories is shopping with my father on a Friday morning. We would leave the farm in our ancient grey Austin pickup and with sheepdog leaping from side to side in the back, head into the local town of Baldock. First stop was always the bank to collect the farm wages. Next came the small supermarket next door armed with my mother’s shopping list and finally we’d move on to Chapman’s butchers shop.
This evening, the Chapman family will close the door of their old butchers shop for the last time after sixty-five years and silence will prevail. Gone for good will be the Saturday morning and Christmas queues with the craning of necks to get a glimpse of the front. Missing will be the collection of African banknotes on the wall, the ever-larger denomination charting the decline of the home economies of biltong and boerewors-buying customers. The small opening in the office window where once cash was passed through to a cashier, will be lost for good having long since been replaced by a chip and pin card reader.
Possibly most missed will be those sounds we only notice when silence takes their place: the hum of friendly chatter, the ‘slish-slish-slish’ of knife on sharpening steel, the unique echoing bang of the heavy butchers knife as it chops down on the wooden block and the familiar unique sounds of not just the entrance door but also the strange clack of the heavy chill-room door, as it slams shut for the last time.
However Baldock is not about to join the ever-growing list of towns where the impersonal, bland and bullying supermarket has the residents all to itself. With the daring-do and fortitude beloved of our island race, the Chapman family is opening new and larger premises on the High Street.

Tomorrow morning at midday, famous chef, countryside campaigner, author and raconteur, Clarissa Dickson Wright will declare the new shop ‘open’.
Yesterday evening I had a sneak preview with David, grandson of founder Charlie Chapman, and I have to say that it is most impressive.
There is enough stainless-steel and gleaming tiles to satisfy even the most ardent health inspector, the bespoke lighting gives a bright and airy feel and the layout of the large sparkling-clean glass counters is both modern, clean and perfect for displaying the quality produce that has become the Chapman family’s hallmark.

In time the new shop will reveal its idiosyncrasies but I can’t help feeling a little mournful at the slipping away of yet another childhood haunt.

To Bob, Eileen, David and Philip Chapman, I wish all the very best of luck.
http://facebook.com/chapmansbutchers

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday!
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

 

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Bad Breath!

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While looking for a stock photo for the website I suddenly realised that I hadn’t seen one of my regular buyers for a couple of years. I asked around. This is his tale although I have changed his name to protect the guilty…

Pete’s got a hangover,
Been out on the ale.
The following morning,
To the boot sale.

Pete feels a bit sick,
Pete’s looking pale.
He’s keeping quiet,
At the boot sale.

Pete’s in a stupor,
Pete looks at stalls,
Purchased three spanners,
And two power tools.

Pete’s had enough,
He’s walked and fed,
Feeling quite fragile,
Pete’s off home to bed!

Pete crashed his car,
The police were called,
In front of the magistrate,
Pete was now hauled.

Pete is now banned,
“Breathalyzer lied”
Pete’s very lucky,
Nobody died.

Pete’s disappeared,
Not seen at all,
Being a drunk driver,
Is really not cool.

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Plumbing Nightmare!

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Have you ever felt that events were running away from you? The day before yesterday we had a leak from a water pipe in the bathroom. While attempting to solve the problem everything seemed to get out of hand to such a level that there was only one course of action, lay back in the bath and consider the situation…

While running my bath there came a dreadful scream,
Was more blood-curdling than a Hitchcock dream.
I rushed downstairs just wrapped in a towel,
A sight guaranteed to make a werewolf howl!
“You’ve over-run the bath you are a silly fool!”
Shouted Mrs Bard as she perched on a stool.
Water was dripping from the kitchen ceiling,
I suddenly felt alarmed and had a sinking feeling.
I knew that the bath was still in need of more,
Must be a leaking pipe underneath the floor.
I rushed to the stopcock to try to stem the flow,
Damn thing was seized was typical you know.
Ran to the garage thanking heavens it was night,
Showed the neighbours everything forgot the sensor light!
With an enormous spanner I stemmed the tidal flow,
Mrs Bard was angry “I really need to go!”
After having told her to only have one flush,
I thought of filling up my bath and upstairs I did rush.
The bath looked so inviting not about to overflow,
Seemed a shame to waste it so in it I did go.
Mrs Bard appeared, a tornado at the door,
“You’re sitting in the ‘effin bath while there’s water on my floor!”
“Don’t you worry dear,” I said while gently yawning,
“There’s no need to panic, will ring the plumber in the morning.”
With a slam of the door and some cutting words for me,
Along with the dog I slept on the settee!

© Baldock Bard

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Frank the Duck!

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Taking in abandoned birds can be emotionally difficult. Whereas Ducky-Wucky and Darren were straightforward, Frank turned out to be challenging…

I rescued a duck the other day,
Was a sweet as sweet can be,
I caught it some grubs and beetles,
That I managed to get from a tree!

I made it a nice little house,
Complete with a carpeted stair,
I wanted to make a miniature bed,
Only managed a small armchair!

I took it to the library,
It came with me to the bank,
I wondered what to call him,
He ended up as Frank!

I fed him lots of duck food,
He managed to get quite fat,
But today Frank’s gone away,
I think he’s with the cat.

© Baldock Bard

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Sky at the Boot Sale!

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I hadn’t noticed how many dogs come to the boot sale until it was pointed out to me on Saturday. It has become a like a ‘doggy coffee-shop’ where pooches and their owners meet and chat! This week I met boot sale regular Sky and his mummy…

Every week without fail,
Sky brings mum and dad to the car boot sale,
He dashes around from stall to stall,
Unless you throw a bouncing ball.
If for some reason he cannot attend,
He sends his parents around the bend,
He whines and squeaks at the door,
Until they can’t take any more.
During the week they walk him elsewhere
But come Saturday they wouldn’t dare!
He tells his friends in the park,
“You really must try this car boot lark!”

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Lonely Old Gnome!

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The other day I came across a garden gnome sitting alone on a bench. As it was lunchtime and the weather was pleasant, I offered him a sandwich. He ignored me. I asked him about his life. Again I was shunned. It was only when he refused a can of soft drink that I noticed that he seemed to be covering something with his hands. I made my excuses and left…

There’s a lonely gnome that I know,
Sits on a bench come rain or snow.
With little green coat and small brown shoes,
His job in life is to amuse.
I think his name might just be ‘Farber’,
His long grey beard could do with a barber.
If you observe him for a while,
You might just see his winsome smile.
His fishing rod’s long since gone,
The pose he strikes looks very wrong!
If you know of a lady gnome (or wench),
Send her along to Farber’s bench!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this morning at 7am!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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