Monthly Archives: May 2012

Shopping Wrong!

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With grateful thanks to the wonderful staff at St Neots Waitrose where shopping is always a joy never a chore.

Have you ever been ‘shopping-wrong’? You know what you have to buy, you may even have a list, but the devil distracts you and you return home with anything but sensible. Mrs Bard despairs of me as I am sorely tempted by displays weighed down with temptation…

Mrs Bard sent me shopping,
To get a thing or two,
“Get something for our supper
What you buy is up to you.”

“What would you care for, dear,”
I asked with great concern,
I’d been ‘shopping-wrong’ before,
You can’t say I don’t learn!

“Anything, whatever, doesn’t matter,
Just do your very worst!
But nothing clothed with batter,
And for heavens sake no Bratwurst!”

Before I went into the shop,
A speech I gave myself,
Ignore the special offers,
Leave sweet things on the shelf!

The devil stood beside me,
As I gazed at a large display,
Anything that could tempt me,
Was Special Offer today!

Twiglets, Wine Gums and Eclairs,
Licourice Allsorts too,
Chocolate biscuits in a Jubilee tin,
All shouting “We Love You!”

I loaded up the trolley,
At home stowed it away,
It’s now hidden in the garage!
We had a takeaway!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues tomorrow!
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 07

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The Trouble with Termites in Baldock!

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I would like to thank the kind person who suggested that my blog was worse than termite poo (censored version). It’s always most encouraging when you are attempting to be creative to know that you have such a supportive audience. Nevertheless I consoled myself with the reassurance that we don’t get termites in the UK, let alone Baldock…

I drove to Baldock yesterday morning,
The day was cloudy, with sun,
I parked in the market to go to the bank,
And thought to myself, ‘this is fun’!

A man in sheer terror started shouting,
“For God’s sake don’t go down there,
They’re running amok in the library,
They’ve got the librarian caught by the hair!”

Somebody else was shouting,
His hair was wet and was lank,
“I was in the barber’s chair early,
They came into there from the bank!”

A weeping bride stood on the pavement,
her dress was all stained with green,
“Their leader gave me a slobbery kiss,
He’s coming back to make me his queen!”

The sweet shop was utterly deserted,
The baker’s was all empty too,
The butcher surveyed his now-empty shop,
“They didn’t listen, when they came, I said Shoo!”

I approached the Library with caution,
I could hear a strange rustling sound,
When I looked in through the doorway,
There was sawdust-like mess on the ground.

Giant termites were working through fiction,
Already eaten the books from abroad,
One had hold of a pensioner,
While one munched with delight on a board

Their hairy leader (called Yerodump),
Turned to me with a sneer,
“It’s all your fault for your writing!
Without your crap rhymes we wouldn’t be here!”

I faced up to the horrible creature,
“You smell so much worse than a rat!”
With head bowed he started to tremble,
“No one’s ever informed me of that!”

He let go of the librarian’s tresses,
Said “Come on chaps, we really must go,”
Last I heard they were all surviving,
On benefits, in a tower block, down in Bow!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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The Greener Grass…!

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At the car boot sale last Saturday I was talking to Andrew who is part of the daily commute to an office in London. He was bemoaning his ‘lot’ in life. I thought of him yesterday when the wind was blowing hail and rain around the yard and down my neck! Sometimes the grass may seem greener…

Andrew told me…
I spend all week in an office,
My brain is closing down
,
What I really need is fresh air
,
Not the stale sort up in town.

I take the ‘Sardine-Special’,
From Baldock every day,
My job is doing my head in,
There must be a better way!

I don’t see my kids in the mornings,
Don’t tuck them in at night,
My wife is a weekly stranger,
This lifestyle can’t be right!

Can’t wait for Saturday mornings,
Find a bargain and beside,
Munch a bacon roll whilst wandering,
In the glorious countryside.

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Bard is now on FACEBOOK!
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!


www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Personalised Plates!

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Mrs Bard was driving me around the M25 the other day when she suddenly shouted ‘Look’. I immediately thought the worst, Armageddon, burst tyre or Tony Blackburn about to come on the radio, but it was worse than that. The car that had just overtaken us had the personalised plate – DEL 80Y. Now I’m pretty certain that David Jason (the actor from Only Fools and Horses) was not driving but I couldn’t tell due to the ‘privacy glass’ in the windows (why have blackened out windows when you have a recognisable plate like that?). So R3LAX and read on…

N1GEL has a personal plate,
So I believe has 5UZE,
Some have them to SH0W 0FF,
And some just to AMU5E.

Jimmy Tarbuck had COM1C,
A Princess has 1 ANNE,
Paul Daniels displays MAG1C,
The Queen A7 can.

Sometimes to get the names to fit,
Is really very hard,
On my tractor and my moped,
I’ve got B410OCK – B4RD!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Welcoming a New Commodore!

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Today I took Mrs Bard boating with some friends. We watched a curious ceremony where members of an up-market river-boat club (blazer and tie/flowery dress wearers only need apply!) greeted the appointment of their new Commodore (boss, chairman or leader – not a 1980’s computer). The members either dipped their flag or saluted from their boat as they cruised past the Commodore and his ‘good lady’ standing on the inspection dais. To a non-boatee it seemed a curious display, one possibly only found amongst the remnants of a ‘Raj culture’. Perhaps to those from abroad it is, along with Morris Dancing, shortbread in tartan-bedecked tins and Royal Weddings, what they consider depicts our country…

We were invited for a day on the river,
I put on my blazer and tie,
Mrs Bard dressed like a sailor,
We were late, in a state, don’t ask why!

We arrived at the tumbledown marina,
Big Bob’s boat, was nowhere in sight,
When shown its place on the mooring,
We found it, what a pit, what a fright!

I think the first owner was Noah,
Or failing that, one James or John,
The hull was in need of attention,
The inside, was not wide, and so wrong!

Big Bob tried to start up the engine,
An exhaust cloud, engulfed near and far,
Mrs Bard had a fit and was coughing,
“Be better, to have left her, in the car”

We finally left the marina,
Mopped brows, from all with a boat,
Got sworn at with powerful language
By a ‘Sod’, with a rod, and a float!

We came across a procession,
Of posh boats, going ever so slow,
Big Bob said they were saluting,
“Be better, to let her, go below!”

We were passing an up-market marina,
Stocked with boats, I could never afford,
An en-blazered old man started waving,
We waved back, through a crack, from on board!

Our host started the shouting,
When told to “get out the way!”
Pushing and shoving resulted,
With a crash and a splash and ‘hooray!’

Big Bob has been banned from the river,
He is nursing, a badly broken arm,
I’ve decided to take my wife rowing,
We can bond, on a pond, on the farm!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Nursery Boot Rhyme 1

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I wonder what future generations will make of the term ‘Nursery Rhyme’? Will they think of a place that plants are grown and wonder what that has to do with children? Anyway enough of this nonsense. The picture above has nothing to do with the verse below (and before anyone thinks I’ve cheated by cut and pasting a ‘funny’ or ‘mildly amusing’ from the tinternettywhatsisname, I took the photo a couple of years ago in County Cork, Ireland). So sit back and enjoy this tasty little morsel…

Sing a song a-boot sale
A pocket full of cash
You should see the dealers
On their bargain-hungry dash!
Then afterwards a burger
That Carla makes with care
All this on a Saturday
We hope to see you there!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

 

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Diet – Day One (Postponed!)

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Sometimes in life you have the good fortune to experience something so outstanding that it is beyond description. Yesterday Mrs Bard and I were taken out for lunch to a restaurant in a small village near Oxford. I have never eaten food prepared by such a famous world-class chef before, however if you ever get the chance to eat at Raymond Blanc’s Manoir aux Quat’Saisons, just go! It should be on a list of those hundred things to do before you die…

Day one of my diet was yesterday,
Not a good start I have to say.
Went out for lunch with some friends,
Had small portions to make amends!
I must confess before I’m caught,
My trousers still feel mighty taut.
My one great downfall is good food,
To not finish a plate would be rude.
The courses kept coming it was gourmets-heaven,
(Canapés and petites-fours made it seven!).
The staff were attentive but not in your face,
Without doubt they were proud of their place.
Words can’t do justice to such a good day
My visit to Le Manoir means I diet today!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Not in my Size!

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Yesterday I was taken shopping by Mrs Bard to a large and well-known clothes store in a retail park. The assistant, while being incredibly polite, was obviously having great difficulty finding clothes that would fit my expanded frame. This came as quite a shock as up to now it has always been easy to find clothes. I have now to admit that age has taken its toll and that where once I could eat all I liked without weight gain, times have changed…

My wife took me shopping,
I had nothing smart to wear,
My wardrobe was so Eighties,
Except for underwear.

On entering the store,
I couldn’t believe my eyes,
So many different choices,
Not much was in my size.

I took a pile of clothing,
Into a cubicle to try,
Who ever was that fat man who,
From the mirror caught my eye?

I seemed to have grown two sizes,
In the waist and around the neck,
The assistant suggested larger,
I had turned into a wreck.

My younger body had run out,
Was nowhere in that store,
It was quite a shock to know,
I’m not thirty anymore.

So I went into a bookshop
A diet book to ease my sorrow
A bag of crisps by page two
The diet starts tomorrow!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Magazine Titles!

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I went into a branch of a large newsagent this morning. While queuing up to pay I was astounded by the number of magazines on offer and the vast range of interests they catered for. As a simple farmer I am used to the range of farming-related magazines but nothing could prepare me for the numbers available for bus and coach ‘enthusiasts’, railway modelers or classic car collectors. Maybe you have been equally astounded and could recommend the most unusual magazine you’ve ever seen…

I was looking at magazines
In the newsagents shop,
From renovating a tractor,
To how to sail a yacht.

I wondered to myself,
Who ever buys these titles,
From jumping with your horse,
To shooting with long rifles.

How many people keep,
A bus in their back yard,
Can off-roading with a 4×4,
Really be that hard?

Suddenly I found myself
Engaging with these books
And when I looked around the shop
I was attracting dirty looks

I thought my best defence
Was to grab a magazine
When I went up to pay
I’d picked ‘Naked Ladies Scene!’

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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