Monthly Archives: May 2012

A Toyota Called Edna!

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Edna shows off her sleek lines under the blossom in a pseudo-geisha pose!

Mrs Baldock Bard’s Aunt Edna left her a old Toyota Corolla when she died. Naturally we called the car Edna. At the time the car was about 14 years old and still hadn’t passed 20,000 miles! While others may laugh, we accept that she is part of our odd-ball family…

Edna is a Toyota,
Some say she’s just a car,
Other’s say, that she’s OK,
And treat her like a star!

Her first owner, a doctor,
In Burnham-on-Sea (down West),
Bought her new, now twenty-two,
She’s still not past her best!

Her blue-rinse colour is fading,
Her wipers just one speed,
On her rear, some rust is near,
We call it, ‘her patch of tweed’!

She now lives in the country,
She finds the cities ‘gross’,
On the farm, toots with alarm,
When tractors come too close!

Her thirteen hundred engine,
As frugal as a miser,
On a sunny day, she gets carried away,
(We forgive the broken visor!)

Edna’s part of the family,
Journey’s take a while,
Some for cover dive, when we arrive,
Others greet us with a smile!

So if you’re in your expensive car,
And you see a flash of blue,
Don’t you worry, Edna’s in a hurry,
And boy, the jokes on you!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Secrets from the Loft!

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While clearing out our loft I came across a book that bought back many childhood memories. The Stanley Gibbons Simplified Stamp Catalogue 1966 was in a long deserted box with a few broken toys and other unwanted items. In my youth, many boys collected stamps, it was a relatively cheap hobby and one that definitely had parental approval. Stanley Gibbons charted the values of stamps and was an eagerly awaited publication as collectors could value their acquisitions. The hobby was also part of a transitional phase as most collections lasted only a few years before being replaced by other more exciting pastimes like girls! I’m not going to get all soppy about past times but just thought I ought to share the discovery…

Are you a hoarder or do you throw out?
Does your attic echo with no need to shout?
The attic in our house is crammed to the roof,
With millions of memories (even baby’s first tooth!).

In a box full of toys and some bright coloured ribbons,
A book from my past, 1966 Stanley Gibbons!
This brought back memories of many hours spent
Sticking stamps in an album that I’d bought down in Kent

You’d attach them with hinges, licked with your tongue,
You’d pray that they held until you were done.
But the greatest of moments, not greeted with mirth,
Was the arrival of the catalogue, what are they worth?

I was tempted by adverts, that used to say
‘Buy Stamps on Approval, No Need to Pay!’
A friend was thus suckered and received a great lot,
Of very common examples, most of which he had got!

So here’s to Stanley Gibbons, the font of all knowledge,
Stuffed up into attics when boys went to college.
If I’d known a letter would one day cost 60p,
I’d have laughed in your face, ‘You taking the pee?’

In another 40 plus years will they understand?
We once had a Postie who delivered by hand,
Everything electronic, will be sent out so quick,
And my stamps in the loft, will follow me to the skip!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Claire Lomas – Hero!

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The word ‘Hero’ has been much abused over the years. It has even been used to describe over-paid footballers who score an important goal. Once in a while someone enters the public eye who deserves the title. Such a person is Claire Lomas who despite being paralysed from the chest down is walking the London Marathon course with the aid of a bionic suit. The organisers of the Virgin London Marathon have scored an own goal in this, a Paralympic year, by refusing to give her a medal when she finishes next Tuesday. However the public have taken her to their hearts and so far have donated over £74,000 to her favoured charity, Spinal Research. You too can help by donating at  www.justgiving.com/Claire-Lomas. 

A very brave and determined Claire Lomas,
(Paralyzed from the chest down)
is walking the London Marathon course
aided by a robotic suit
Step by
Step by
Step
by
Step
For 26 miles 385 yards
or 46,145 yards
or 138,435 steps (approximately)
Supported by her husband Dan, daughter Maisie and
Thousand
Upon
Thousand
Of ordinary people
(and me!)
Will you?

Baldock Bard

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The Rise and Rise of the App!

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If you had been asked a couple of years ago: “What is an app?” how would you have answered? Would you have thought that the speaker was boasting about his physique or a new piece of apparatus in the torture chamber that is the gym? The almost overnight arrival of the App has turned our mobile phone into more like a prop from Star Trek than a telephone! The other day I cleared out a drawer and discovered an old mobile phone from  just nine years ago – it was a phone, no camera, no music and certainly not a hint of an app! Where to now, I can’t even begin to imagine.
At this stage the Baldock Bard feels he has to admit that he has over 70 apps on his i-phone. It begs the question: what does your phone say about you…?

I bought an i-phone, my old mobile was crap,
The man in the shop said: “Now you need an app!”
On my way home, I needed a map,
I stopped in a lay-by, and bought my first app!
Now I can’t stop, If I do I feel flat,
All I keep thinking? “There’s an app for that!”

I remembered our Anniversary, I’m such a diplomat!
Must order some flowers, “There’s an app for that!”
On a countryside ramble, with my mate Pat,
Where’s the nearest beer garden? “There’s an app for that!”
I’m off to a wedding, Umbrella or hat?
Court shoes or Wellies? “There’s an app for that!”
If the central hearings broken, with faulty thermostat,
I need to know the temperature, “There’s an app for that!”
Last night I was greedy, today I feel fat,
Nearest fitness centre? “There’s an app for that!”
My nephew is staying, (he’s a spoilt brat!),
Where can I take him? “There’s an app for that!”
England playing at the Oval, are they in to bat?
Are they winning? “There’s an app for that!”
To order some pet food, a bell for the cat,
Some chews for the dog, “There’s an app for that!”
I rang Ruth in Los Angeles, I wanted a chat,
Couldn’t find her number, “There’s an app for that!”

But now my phone’s broken, on it I sat!
My wife said to me: “There’s no app for that!”

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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The Car Park Miracle!

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On a trip to France some years ago I saw a notice in front of a disabled parking bay. It read something like this: ‘Take my parking space but take my disability too!’ I wonder if you have witnessed a ‘supermarket car-park miracle’ when Jesus was nowhere in sight?

I went to a large store in Letchworth,
That has a revolving door,
I witnessed a biblical miracle,
That made me feel just a bit sore!

This woman got out of her motor,
Parked in a well-marked disabled bay,
Put her disability badge on the dashboard,
She therefore had no need to pay!

But Lo! She spotted the door,
As it rotated in front of her eyes,
And suddenly ran for the opening,
I was dumbstruck with utter surprise!

I’m afraid that’s the end to my story,
The supermarket miracle tale,
The invalid suddenly better,
Seen: Everywhere. Each week. Without fail!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Counting Sheep – The Dangers of Caffeine!

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There are many things in life that are worse than not being able to sleep. However waking up in the middle of the night and finding your mind on full alert can be un-nerving and disruptive. Sometimes it is as a result of genuine worry, but in my case is usually self-inflicted through the intake of too much caffeine…

Counting Sheep – The Dangers of Caffeine!

Have you ever lain awake, with a restless feeling?
You study every inch of your bedroom ceiling.
The smallest little thing, grows larger than life,
You daren’t even move in case you wake your wife!
Everything is bubbling, around in your mind,
You can’t leave the worries of the day behind.
When you were younger, you could stay up all night,
Now you’re older, sleep becomes a fight.
You know a lettuce sandwich, can help you get to sleep,
So forget nocturnal coffee or you’ll end up counting sheep!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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The Antique Dealer

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One of the enduring charms of a car boot sale is the unpredictability of what’s for sale. I once knew a man who went to a sale and didn’t find a Ming Dynasty vase worth £1m (however the next week he was luckier!). A dealer once told me that it was more important that he liked what he bought than immediately thinking about the profit. This simple mantra had served him well through his many years of trading. You never know, next Saturday you may just find that one piece that guarantees you fame on Antiques Roadshow…

Bill’s an antique dealer
,
He knows about fine china,
Always goes to antique shows
,
Digs up treasure like a miner
.

First at the car boot sale
,
To snap up all that’s good,
His wife comes too, her name is Sue,
She’d lie-in if she could.

He spied some old Spode dishes,
Said they were fantastic
,
All his stock goes to his shop,
At home they eat off plastic!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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