Rat Nav!

Posted on June 20, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

We’ve just bought a new Sat Nav. It does everything apart from cook the breakfast. It always speaks with authority even when sending you to a completely different destination. My daughter, as a joke, put a toy rat on the dashboard of my trusty and rusty farm 4×4, we all call it Rat Nav…

My Rat-Nav suits me very well,
It doesn’t speak, it doesn’t tell,
No “Turn left at the next ‘T’ junction,”
You can’t switch off its 3D function.
When approaching speed cameras it doesn’t bleep,
I’m pretty sure it’s fast asleep!
It doesn’t recommend where to eat,
Local pub or children’s treat.
It doesn’t run the battery down,
It’s only movement is a frown.
No need for electronics when on Mrs Bard’s lap
There’s an analog Sat-Nav called a map!
© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Fools Gold!

Posted on June 19, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I am a marketing department’s dream, I fall for the sales pitch every time. This week I bought some oddly-packaged biscuits. Despite Mr Sensible on my left shoulder shouting louder than Mr Go-for-It on my right, I abandoned caution and now question my judgement…

I’ve just bought a biscuit tin,
Not designed for keeping biscuits in.
It’s hard to tell from the shape,
What’s inside, can’t be cake.
‘Limited Edition’ is their refrain,
Sold by the million, pure financial gain.
A valuable heirloom it won’t be,
Just more junk bought by me!

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk

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Sacrifice!

Posted on June 18, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday in Northern France I was reminded of the meaning of sacrifice. Not the one less holiday a year, cutting out a drink after work or inconvenient currency fluctuation, but the ultimate sacrifice of loss of life. I overheard a young schoolboy sum it up rather well when he said to his teacher at the Canadian Memorial at Vimy Ridge: “They died so we can be here”…

They’re worried about the Euro,
They are feeling the heat in Greece,
France has changed its Government,
Still no threat to peace.

The world in financial turmoil,
It’s been like this before,
This time they’re still talking,
Still no sign of war.

We’re worried about our future,
Shall I have that manicure?
Will we sacrifice our summer holiday?
To keep our standards secure.

There’s a place in France called Etaples,
Just inshore from the sea,
Where row upon row of headstones,
Sacrifices: Eleven-Thousand, Four-Three-Three.

Under the trees standing apart,
All alone and hidden from view,
No 9436 Chinese Labour Corps,
I will remember you.
© Baldock Bard 2012
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Au Secours! (A French Warning!)

Posted on June 16, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Le Bard en France, day 2! I have to admit a terrible weakness: I cannot resist patisseries. So if you ever find yourself in St Pol in Northern France, test your will power at the GOURMAND”IN on the Market Square, you have been warned…

My diets taken a battering in the wake,
Of wonderful food and chocolate cake.
In France they posses secret weapons,
Even more dangerous than Mrs Bard threatens!
Patisserie shops they are called,
One look in the window and you’ve been pulled!
I stood outside, my mouth agape,
Couldn’t move, there was no escape.
Just one cake I managed to sneak,
My diet starts again next week!
© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next and every Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Shuttle Delays!

Posted on June 16, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Le Bard en France! Sometimes delays in holiday transportation can be interesting even if not necessarily fun. While waiting for Le Shuttle to France with Mrs Bard and friends we were kept amused by all manner of people…

Sometimes there’s a benefit from terminal delays,
A chance to watch people in many different ways.
Yesterday we were delayed while we were France-bound,
Someone reported a person underground.
Holidays, Le Mans and a busiest weekend,
The car park overflowed with all manner of men!
Ferraris, Masseratis and a Caterham 7,
Packed in the car park, a petrol-head’s heaven.
Add over one hundred in a motor-cycle gang,
Coach-loads of schoolchildren round the terminal ran!
Above us four helicopters kept flying over,
Filming a Spitfire over the White Cliffs of Dover.
After four hours, our time here boringly erosive,
Called in by security to check for explosive!
But all this forgotten, we’re miles away,
Enjoying the sunshine on a dry Saturday!
© Baldock Bard 2012

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues today and every Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Pavement Sheep!

Posted on June 14, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I am always amazed at what you can buy from a home outlet store. Many of these shops overflow onto the pavement displaying such diversity as plants, plastic boxes, garden ornaments, gnomes and pavement sheep…

Walking along the pavement,
I couldn’t believe my eyes,
A sheep dog blocked my path,
And fixed me with his eyes!

Behind him stood two sheep,
No grass for them to graze,
They looked mighty hungry,
They hadn’t moved for days!

It was only then that I noticed,
As a farmer I was in shock,
They were all made of plastic,
The perfect townie flock!

© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday!
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Vegetarian!

Posted on June 14, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

A man I have known for a long time surprised me the other day. I always meet him at the burger van and discovered his dirty little secret. I have changed his name to protect him from his wife …

Reggie is a veggie,
No meat in his diet,
(apart from bacon sandwiches)
About which he keeps quiet!

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Edible Nirvana!

Posted on June 13, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday afternoon I wandered through from the office on the search for food! Mrs Bard will go nuts, because after a thorough search and having discounted any form of non-instant gratification, my eyes settled on some edible nirvana…

I was quite hungry,
Hadn’t eaten lunch,
Breakfast had long since gone,
Needed a quick munch!

I went to the fridge,
There was nothing there,
I went to the freezer,
It was awful bare.

I went to the larder,
Hoping for a find,
Success! A plate of wedding cake,
Had been left behind!

Now you either like the icing,
Or you like the cake,
But I just love marzipan,
My day it can always make!

So I sat down at the table,
Eager but restrained,
Ten minutes later,
Not a crumb remained!

© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: Baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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After the Wedding!

Posted on June 12, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

We’ve all done it but how many of us have learned from the experience? Enough said, please lower your voice and pass the strong coffee…

I had a little hangover,
Nothing would compare,
I had a rather sore head,
Like an angry bear,
It was at the wedding,
The Bride was dressed in white,
That’s all I can remember,
Of that fateful night!

I started off with champagne,
Red wine with the meal,
Then I had a few beers,
My head began to reel.
Come Sunday morning,
Got up at half past ten,
I then groaned the ‘Hangover Chant’:
“I’ll never drink again!”

Americans Discover British Weather!

Posted on June 11, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The son and daughter-in-law of friends from Los Angeles came to stay. They left the Bard household to visit relatives all over the UK, returning to stay on the eve of departure. It’s always fun making new friends. One can only hope they recover from the meteorological shock…

Ed and Meghan came to stay,
On a whistle-stop tour from the USA,
They bookended their tour with a couple of nights,
At ‘Baldock Bard Towers’ between their flights.
We did our best to facilitate,
A meeting with the ‘Queen’ and ‘William and Kate!’
Meghan’s an artist, she works with light,
She’s now seen rain, morning, noon and night!
If on return to the States they look pale,
They never got to visit a car boot sale,
So there’s no excuse (despite the rain),
They’ll just have to visit Baldock again!

We took them to Stevenage (5am train),
So they wouldn’t miss Heathrow (10am plane),
Having waved ‘goodbye’ to Meghan and Ed,
Mrs Bard and I sneaked home to bed!

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
Baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: June 2012