Merry Hay Making (part 2)!

Posted on July 11, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Hay making can sometimes be less than successful. While my recent attempts at hay-making may have been a success with a trailer-load of dry bales in the barn, the story had been heavily edited. Only triumph had been documented …

You may recall the other day
I was bold and made some hay
What I neglected then to tell
The last of the fields didn’t go well
The grass wasn’t ready, not quite fit
And recent rain turned it to sh*t
We rowed up the stuff into one row
With an old hay-turner from the hedgerow!
Then forked the muck into the forklift bucket
It started to rain and we said “f*ck it!”
So instead of any congratulatory talk
John and the Bard had to grab a fork!
Took the bucket-loads to the back of the farm
Where it will rot down and do no harm
You wouldn’t be hearing about this fail
If I hadn’t trumpeted that successful tale!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Shopping Trip!

Posted on July 10, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday Mrs Bard and I went shopping in the Marks and Spencer superstore in London Colney. With my mind firmly elsewhere I made a fool of myself…

I was calmly pushing my trolley in Marks
Mrs Bard and I shopping without any sparks
My mind had wandered don’t you know
When I stepped upon somebody’s toe
I turned around to apologise
Couldn’t really begin to believe my eyes
This lonely girl full of grace
Was all entire but had no face
Mrs Bard shouted: “It’s just not funny,
You’ve apologised to a shop floor dummy!”

For the latest 10 verses click on ‘Home’ above 
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Knights of the Road!

Posted on July 9, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

When you travel up and down the motorways you begin to notice transport companies simply by the frequency that you pass one of their trucks. The boredom of distance leads to the names taking on a familiarity: Turners of Soham, Norbert Dentressangle, Prestons of Potto and the daddy of them all: Eddie Stobbart. However I have a favourite…

Some firms choose Eddie Stobart
Some on Dentressangle are sold
But if I had some stuff to shift
I’d choose Knights of Old!

I don’t know if they’re better
I don’t know if they’re true
But they promise ‘Service With Honour’
I think for me that would do!

I see them on the motorway
I see them by the river
Knights of Old are on the road
Jousting to deliver!

Damaged Shoes!

Posted on July 8, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you wear damaged shoes? If not you probably haven’t got a dog. The other day I went to get a pair of shoes (I thought hidden from Teeth-on-Legs-with-Tail) only to discover that my hiding place had been discovered. Trying to maintain some sort of dignity in public knowing my shoes could disintegrate at any moment wasn’t easy. We decided to try some new dog food…

All my shoes are damaged,
Our dog so likes to chew!
Other dog owners sympathise,
Say “got a puppy too?”

Mrs Bard bought some dog food,
We hadn’t tried at home,
On the packet was a shoe,
Would my footwear be left alone?

The dog wolfed down the contents,
Burped, not saying pardon,
Grabbed a shoe from by the door,
And ran off down the garden!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
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BootLine: 07852 707 074
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The Apple and the Gooseberry

Posted on July 6, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The path of love seldom runs smoothly. This is particularly true amongst fruit. Lemons and Oranges, despite being part of the same Citrus family can never be put on the same table at weddings. Other fruits are more tolerant of each other’s differences…

The apple and the gooseberry
Went on a date
The date was un-amused
The apple turned up late!

The gooseberry asked the apple
“Can I take you out?”
They enjoyed each others company
And love began to sprout!

The gooseberry was all hairy
The apple turned quite red
Wasn’t long before
They went to the asparagus bed!

Soon they would not separate
Together everywhere
And all their fruity friends
Knew they were a pair!

They tied the knot in Waitrose
Just outside Carlisle
An Orange gave the bride a walk
Down the fresh-fruit aisle!

The path of love was rocky
Can happen as a rule
The apple became a tart
While the gooseberry was a fool!

© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this morning! 
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Marsya.

Posted on July 6, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

When a close friend dies it can create a maelstrom in your life. Last week, Marsya Lennox – journalist, property writer, wife, mother, friend and much more besides lost her battle with cancer.
Writing about someone special is always difficult as it’s nigh on impossible to do them justice without at least 3,738 pages of text in Times New Roman 8 point. I have tried my best with the available space.
Some references will mean nothing to the casual reader e.g. ‘That private place’ is actually her bra, where she kept loose change, cigarettes, lighter and everything but the kitchen sink, much to the shock of new acquaintances!
I can only hope that I’ve done her some sort of justice and celebrated, with you, the life of a wonderfully warm human being.
So wherever you are in the world and whatever the colour of your skin, if you awoke this morning having had a better than expected nights sleep despite your worries, that will have been Mars, shouldering your concerns and covering your back as you slept. Just as she has done over the years for so many of us, who are so proud to be numbered amongst her many friends…

Parting is oh, such sweet sorrow,
You were here last week but not tomorrow.
Let me count the things that we shall miss
Your sense of humour, your wedded bliss.

Your caring touch that made things better,
A kindly word on screen or letter.
Your gravelly voice with mock outrage,
Considered words at centre stage.

Your dimpled cheeks, that wicked grin,
That private place you kept everything in!
Your newspaper column we used to read,
A dazzling appearance – perfection in tweed!

Your loving glance sideways at ‘your lads’,
Provoked some envy from other dads.
Your sense of friendship, oh so true,
But what we’ll miss most – simply – you.

Baldock Bard 2012

baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Not Suitable!

Posted on July 5, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been mistaken for someone else? The other night Mrs Bard and I were at a drinks party when an elderly lady mistook me for a ‘Z list’ television celebrity. I think she may have left her glasses at home…

A grandma approached me at a party,
And much to my surprise,
Looked me up and down,
Then cautiously advised:
“It’s you! I can’t believe it,
Just wait ‘till my friend is near.”
And without another word between us,
Shouted “Rene, come over here!”

“Rene, it’s that bloke I talked about,
Was on the telly last night,
The one that hosted that quiz show,
I know that I am right!”
I tried to protest my innocence,
Tell them I deserved no fame,
But she wouldn’t even hear of it:
“You stars are all the same!”

Rene said: “He’s not quite tall enough,
The glasses are not right,
His teeth are all so crooked,
Wasn’t on the telly last night!”
With that they turned to go,
She looked at me with distain,
“You’re not handsome enough for telly,
You pretenders are all the same!”

© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday! 
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We All Need Friends!

Posted on July 4, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I was off-colour. You know the feeling: tired, grumpy, fed up, miserable and railing against the world. I was in Baldock and sought out an old friend that I hadn’t seen for a while. Afterwards my world changed to brown (fingers, mouth and teeth!). This is dedicated to all real friends who are always there in time of need …

If ever I feel depressed,
And life seems so unfair
I seek out an old friend
To help with my despair.

I go buy a chocolate bar,
I rip at the cover
I gobble up each morsel
I‘m a chocolate lover!

It doesn’t make me clever,
It won’t make me act ‘real hard’
It’s far to late for good looks
Just a fat happy Baldock Bard!

A Tight Fit!

Posted on July 3, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I suffer from Podophobia, commonly known as a fear of wearing new shoes. Until recently I couldn’t think where this rather strange condition came from. I was clearing out a cupboard and came across a dusty pair of brown brogues with a strange history and even stranger soles…

My Great-Uncle Stan used to live next door,
Had a car so clean you could have eaten off the floor.
When he died, my mum said with aplomb,
“These are brand new shoes, you must just try them on!”
In those days (I wasn’t very old),
I always did as I was told!
I laced them up and although they felt tight,
Something about them definitely wasn’t right.
I thought ‘I will persevere, I really am no wimp,’
I seemed to have got myself a rather bad limp!
“Those are so wonderful,” chirped my mother,
Shame one of Uncle’s legs was shorter than the other!

Merry Hay Making!

Posted on July 2, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

On the farm since Thursday we have been playing a Russian Roulette-style game called ‘Making Hay’. In a normal year this is stupid, in a year like this where the weather is so wet, it is beyond lunacy…

Make hay while sun shine,
Chinese proverb or nursery rhyme?
Easy to say, easy to think,
Making fresh hay turns you to drink!

First cut your grass when it is long,
Let it lie cut, you can’t go wrong?
Then from the nettles at the back of the shed,
Fetch out the Hay-Bob (it was once red!).
Then to your dealer, their store-man’s named Shaun,
To replace all the tines that are broken or worn.
Turn over the hay and pray for no rain,
When you’ve done that, turn it again!
If by three days the crop seems quite fit,
It will now rain and you’re in the sh*t!
Go fetch the baler from the back of the shed,
And grease it and oil it, bring it back from the dead.
With one eye on black clouds and bad knees from praying,
Get to the field, pretend you are playing!
Pretend you don’t care what the weather must,
The rarest thing now is a large cloud of dust.
The safety-bolt snaps, the knotters are bad,
The pick-up is screeching and driving you mad.
But your luck holds out and after a while,
You’ve baled all the bales and are wearing a smile.
Now take the loader and long four-wheeled trailer,
The sun now beats down, should have been for the baler!
You sweat and you groan that the bales weigh such a lot,
You call the man on the baler a twit or a clot!
With the bales in the shed it starts to rain,
You reach for the whisky and say “NEVER AGAIN!”
© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday! 
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BootLine: 07852 707 074
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