Monthly Archives: November 2012

Vauxhall’s Adam!

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There is a new kid on the motoring block – The Adam from Vauxhall/Opel. I laughed when I first heard the name. Now I am impressed because unlike other automotive names, what has been seen cannot be unseen! Will this lead to the Jaguar Jesus, Mazda Moses or St Peter the Prius? We’ll have to wait and see what appears next on the car Lot (with a pinch of salt!)…

Vauxhall’s latest car’s called the ‘Adam’,
It looks great on tarmacadam!
It is quite nippy, the design is new,
I think Eve might like it too!
The only fault the reviewers make,
The boot’s a bit small for a very large snake!
There’s no need to visit an uptown chapel,
to learn it connects to iPhone from Apple!
You don’t need to hear a bible readin’
This car would fit well in the Garden of Eden!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Movember Matteo!

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This morning I overslept and missed my self-imposed deadline. I also suffered another failing; what was I going to write about, how long would it take and would it sink far enough down to the normal level of skillful writing? I sat down with a blank screen and mind to work without even a coffee to bolster my spirits…

Woke up this morning I was late,
The clock on the wall read nearly eight.
I grabbed a shirt from the drawer,
An arm ripped off onto the floor!
I rushed downstairs to let the dogs out,
Fell over my shoes, did I shout.
Made a coffee in a favourite cup,
From the floor had to clear it up!
Looked at the news from every nation,
And onto Facebook for inspiration!
There was a picture of a friend,
Matteo seemed to be setting a trend.
The hair that should be upon his head,
Had slipped around his mouth instead!
But I suppose we ought to remember,
We’re now in the month of Movember!
Wife Hazel seems a little upset
While he’s asleep, a razor get?
So here’s to Matteo and Hazel too,
I’d delete that picture if I were you!

Well done Matteo for having the courage that I lack (at least your facial hair is dark whereas I’d look like an aged and demented Father Christmas!)

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Delights of a Onesie!

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Fashion can be confusing. One minute necklines plunge and arms are bare then, without warning, skirts are up and shorts are down. Some trends receive popular acclaim and some die out without obituary. This season’s surprise hit – the Onesie – a baby garment for ‘grown-ups’. This would be fine if it was confined to the house or the bedroom but it has appeared on our streets worn by ‘man-baby’. According to press reports, the New Look clothes store sold 75,000 of these costumes in September alone. Watch out! They’ll be invading your street any day now…

I saw a man in a baby-grow
What he looked like I didn’t know
If it’s the latest fashion I don’t fancy that
I’d rather be boring than look such a prat!

If you want to look like a ‘Z’ list celebrity
And dress as an infant that’s got to be OK-with-me!
Over the years there have been fashion fails
Borat’s man-kini didn’t enjoy record sales

But if that’s what it takes to get publicity
There can be none better to promote your simplicity!
So if you’ve a boy-band’s promotion to do
Go on, wear a Onesie, it’s bound to suit you!

However there’s an exception to this simple rule
Where there are no ifs or buts
If you’re a girl and want some exposure
Wear a Onecie and your picture’s in ‘Nuts’!
With thanks to http://www.sugarscape.com for background info

© Baldock Bard 2012

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Treasure!

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Yesterday I came across some treasure while having a clear out. Dating from 1965, it was a reminder of a gentler age of innocence. How many of us would like to stop the bus and get off? I then remembered through the swirl of pink-coloured spectacles that I had been too young to have a single memorable memory from those times!

I was up in the attic
Clearing out some boxes
Why do we keep so much?
We hoard like bleedin’ foxes!

I came across some comics
Dated ’65 September
It was a from a different age
One I can’t remember!

Back then there was no internet
Obama was only four
David Cameron hadn’t even been born
And radio came from boats offshore

The Mini was a fashionable car
The Beatles ‘Top of the Pops’
Mini skirts were all the rage
And boutiques replaced clothes shops

The swinging Sixties were in full swing
Strangely enough I don’t remember a thing!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Baldock Kebab!

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It would be hard to find a more maligned food than the humble kebab. It is the ‘ASBO-kid’ of take-away foods with an undeserved reputation of only being enjoyed by groups of lager-filled drunks before being regurgitated onto a pavement. There are many good kebab shops and Baldock is lucky to have one of the best…

I went down to Baldock
To buy a tasty kebab
I had food on my mind
Had failed in diet rehab!

It is quite sad
That they now know my order
Before I say a word
A dietary disorder!

The lady asks quietly
To maintain my sense of honour
I resisted temptation
And ordered a small donner!

When I got home
There was a surprised greeting
I’d order a salad too
In the name of healthy eating!

By the time I finished eating
It had got quite late
The dogs were disappointed
Nothing left upon my plate!
Dedicated to the ever-friendly staff at Papa’s Kebab House in Baldock

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Get Her Out of There!

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The MP for Bedfordshire West has surprised her constituents and party by taking part in ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!’ on ITV. Opinion is divided as to what her fate should be, however most agree it’s not the behaviour expected of a serving Member of Parliament…

Deep in the jungle something has stirred,
A ‘celebrity’ MP of whom nobody’s heard!
She claims she’s engaging with her youth vote,
So far she’s only been seen in a sinking boat!

Back home she missed the Armistice parade
Sounds less important than the money she’s made.
She’s apparently offered to charity her appearance fee,
She may need it all when she’s not an MP!

To avoid eviction every vote will now count,
She can’t claim the trip on her expense account.
Bedfordshire voters may soon make it clear:
“Nadine Dorries, please get out of here!”

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Dolly’s Hospital Stay!

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It is never easy when an animal is taken ill. Unlike some people, who rush to the doctor with every bump, scrape or minor discomfort, animals are reluctant to tell the vet what is wrong. Dolly the Horse (She on the farm who must be obeyed!) competed in a dressage competition on Sunday before being taken seriously ill. So worried was the vet that she spent 24 hours at the Royal Veterinary College under observation. Thankfully she is now back on the farm and is bossing everyone about once more…

Dolly the horse went out for the day,
No grass in the field, no eating hay.
She went to an event to compete.
But her day ended up incomplete.
After the competition she fell ill,
The vet was called – no magic pill.
Not allowed home but instead,
Ended up in a hospital bed!
Sweating and shivering she’d had a fright,
Just to be sure, kept in overnight.
The chickens noted that she’d not risen,
Wondered if she’d gone to prison!
The silly geese with no GCSEs,
Were able to patrol the farm with ease!
But everyone else had fingers crossed,
It was too quiet not being bossed!
The nosey ducks had heard somebody say:
“It’s possible that she’ll be back today!”
But nobody believes a duck called Bill,
When Dolly’s stable was quiet and still.
But late last night when the sky was black,
A shout went up “DOLLY IS BACK!” 

With our grateful thanks to the duty vet who tended to Dolly and the staff at the Royal Veterinary College for their kindness and care.

© Baldock Bard 2012
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City Shopping on a Saturday!

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We had a friend to stay this weekend and we thought it reasonably safe to venture into Cambridge on Saturday for a spot of light shopping and lunch. I proclaimed that as Christmas is over a month away and money is short this year, there would be few shoppers around. Mrs Bard suggested that I book a restaurant for lunch, a move that I wrongly considered to be unnecessary…

We went to Cambridge on Saturday,
From farm to city for the day!
People crowding down the street
From my perspective they looked like sheep!
I’d booked a table at Loch Fyne,
If I hadn’t we’d not dine!
The shops were crowded all day ‘till four,
How did they fit so many in the Apple Store?
By late afternoon we’d had enough,
My arms were drooping with bags of stuff.
Walking back to the car, there was as curse and a ‘ding’,
There are almost more bikes than in Beijing!
So if I may, can I offer some advice?
Going shopping next Saturday? Better think twice!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Bob the Postman!

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So many things in life have changed over the years. Most of the time change is only noticed when it’s too late. In rural locations the daily visit from the postman with his little red van is so much more important than just the delivery of letters. They are important eyes and ears, not just spotting rural crime but also keeping a friendly eye on the elderly and infirm in isolated properties. Perhaps when politicians and managers are next considering the way forward for Royal Mail this should be taken into consideration as an argument for continued public ownership, rather than discriminating once again against countryside-dwellers.

Bob, our postman has no fear,
He wears shorts throughout the year.
Come high winds snow or rain,
He’ll be wearing shorts again!

Without our Postmen we’d be lost,
We must keep them at all cost.
You can tell it’s Bob from half a mile,
Because he also wears a smile!

Dedicated to all our Posties who are a constant source of national pride at a time when the helpfulness of individuals is often overlooked.

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Spoilt for Choice!

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Following the demise through flame of my faithful old car I have been looking for a replacement. Thinking about the topic of changing vehicles I wrote the following. For most of us, buying a car is the second largest purchase we’ll make in our lifetime. For many years I have used a local garage, Quenbys in Baldock, to aid decisions. I hope any decisions you make are not like the following (all characters and premises in the following verse are fictitious!)…

My faithful car is past its best
It’s just failed the annual test
And so it’s time to say goodbye
The family will instruct me what I should buy!

My wife says she can imagine us
In something that looks like a bus
She tells me they are trendy now
Great in Islington but not in Slough!

My son tells me to get a Jag
Sleek and sporty, no turbo lag
Room for a girlfriend and another
There’d be no room for his sister or mother!

“Anything’s fine as long as it’s pink”
Is what my daughter seems to think!
With folding roof and deep plush leather
Has she forgotten winter weather?

We went to see our local dealer
He knew our needs like some faith healer
Encouraged my ‘clan’ in their separate ways
Totally ignored the one who pays!

My wife was sitting in an MPV
My son “This sports car’s fine for me”
My daughter mooned over a pink hatchback
Whilst I just stood there taken aback!

When finally they left their dreams on wheels
All shouting at once about wonderful deals
I suddenly realised I didn’t care
I’ll just take our old car in for repair!
© Baldock Bard 2012

http://www.quenbys.com
You can trust Donald to help you find your next car.

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