Monthly Archives: December 2012

Christmas Shopping!

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Mrs Bard and I have been Christmas shopping. We trudged around the stores grabbing suitable gifts from the shelves. At my lowest moment I suddenly realized that I was a ‘Shopping Wimp’ and that there was someone else who was much busier at this time of year…

Santa’s very busy
Prepares for Christmas Day
He’s got so many things to do
Nothing gets in the way!

The reindeers need servicing
Oil change and tyres (new set)
Antifreeze levels corrected
Air horns he can’t forget!

The sleigh is in the workshop
Windscreen wipers worn
The runners need replacing
Upholstery tired and worn!

Six billion presents still to wrap
A thousand miles of paper
He’s industrious and shows us all
He’s a Christmas motivator!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Carol Singing!

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Have you ever had fun, poking fun at somebody having fun? Once again I have been found out to be hypocritical. Last night Mrs Bard and I went to a carol party in the village and had great fun singing all the old favourites. The more the mulled wine flowed the better (or louder) we sung! So this short verse is for Morris: Where you lead we will follow…

A friend of ours joined a choir
When she moved to Kent this year
I was sarcastic about her exploits
Should have done the same I fear!

Spent last night singing carols
No hard pews or bells that ring
Canapes, carols and mulled wine
Hark! The village voices sing!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Nothing!

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I knew it would happen
To me one day
Nothing to write
Nothing to say
Maybe it’s a message?
Maybe it’s not?
What was I going to say?
I think I’ve forgot
So here’s a picture
I took the other day
It sums up this morning
There’s nothing more to say!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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When Time Fell Off the Wall!

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Clearing up the rubbish after a car boot sale some years ago I came across some unwanted time. Unable to sell the kitchen clock, the former owners just abandoned it and drove off. I’ve always been wary about throwing clocks or watches away since someone told me years ago that it was inviting bad luck (hence I have broken watches lying at the bottom of almost every drawer or cupboard in the house). Last week the rescued clock fell from its nail in the kitchen wall and hit me on the head on its way to the stone floor. I thought it was en route to a cupboard (the drawers now having no space left!) but gave it one last chance. Following three attempts and a new battery it suddenly came out of its coma, received a radio signal from Rugby and merited its place back on the nail! This simple action not only suggested to me that sometimes time can heal but also led to me considering time itself…

The kitchen clock fell to the floor
Catching my head on the way
Time passed by close to my eye
How much or how close I can’t say!

The perennial answer to life is time,
Not money nor wages nor sin
At work time loss is down to the boss
Not knowing what we had to begin!

If we could time-travel what would we change?
Knowing disruption could be
Children not born partners forlorn
Totally different life you see!

Thank heavens we can’t go back in time
Not even to yesterday’s tea!
There’d be no stopping impulse-bad shopping
In a flash it never would be!

But the greatest threat to going back now
I’d know what I look like to all
I’d have met an old me when just twenty-three
And seen how time can be cruel!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Coffee Cream Thief!

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There is a sweet thief on the loose in my office! I had managed to resist finishing a box of coffee creams (my confectionary of choice!) and had left one in case of emergency. Yesterday I remembered the sole remaining sweet, but when I retrieved the box, someone had got there first…

I’m in quite a panic
Today hasn’t been what it may seem
I came across a near-empty box
With a single orphaned coffee cream!

It just sat there pleading,
Would I end it with one bite?
I don’t know where its siblings went
I know it wasn’t the Isle of Wight!

I sat the box down in the corner
On my favourite comfy chair
I popped out for a minute
When I returned it was not there!

I’ve tried to hide the evidence
Of what took place today
The dog has dropped me in it
By choosing the box to take to play!

There’s a coffee-cream-eater on the loose
It was in this area today
I’m either off to the shop in St Neots
Or sweetparadise.co.uk!

CCTV STILL OF THE SUSPECTED COFFEE CREAM THIEF!

For Christmas Sweets of the old-fashioned kind either visit those very nice people at 4, Cross Keys Mews, St Neots, Cambs, PE19 2AR or http://sweetparadise.co.uk

Tell them “The Bard sent you!”
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The Christmas Tree Gongoozler!

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There are some jobs that naturally attract gongoozlers and self-proclaimed experts. Erecting a caravan awing is one, taking a boat through a canal lock is another and a combine breakdown in harvest is a third. Erecting a Christmas tree is also a job that should only be attempted in private. I found myself giving unnecessary advice last night despite having a complete lack of expertise myself.

“Left a bit, right a bit!”
I offer advice with glee.
As son-in-law John,
Puts up their Christmas tree.
“More lights on the left,
More lights on the right!”
The tree’s now looking perfect,
The lights are shining bright!

It’s easy to be an expert,
With someone else’s tree.
Now that I’ve got ours to do,
It would seem the joke’s on me!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Bard Saves the Planet!

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Wandering around the shops yesterday I spotted a planet-saving device. Being quite keen to save the planet I made a rare non-chocolate snap purchase – I bought some LED bulbs for the kitchen (there’s quite an incentive because if the planet dies it’s going to take me with it and that from my perspective is a bad thing!). So you can rest easy in your beds tonight, the Baldock Bard is your saviour (heaven help you!)…

Good on me!
I’ve saved the planet,
Or at least,
The Isle of Thanet!
I bet those that live there,
Are real pleased,
Because I installed,
Six LEDs!
On the pack
It says they’ll last
30,000 hours
(3.4 years pass!)
Although they cost,
More than most,
I feel as if,
I’ve saved the coast!
If sea levels,
Keep rising still,
I’ll be grateful to,
Live on a hill!
(Although it would be quite nice if the coast came to us for a change!)

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Cam-Eee-Lyon Sheet!

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A Canadian company has developed a ‘Harry Potter’ style invisibility cloak. According to recent press reports, the makers apparently claim that their material renders it’s wearers  invisible by bending light waves around them. A rival firm, Scroggins, Scroggins and Pushpast Ltd have developed a similar product in an invisible workshop near Buntingford in the UK. The ‘Cam-Eee-Lyon Sheet’ (pictured above) projects a similar pattern to its surroundings. Some are calling this breakthrough the answer to all those embarrassing questions such as: ‘how did I get a parking ticket when I only popped into the shop for a minute, why is it that Big Foot is only ever seen in movies and why does the vodka evaporate when Stacey is baby-sitting?’ Your ever-intrepid Bard road-tested this latest invention at a secret location…

I’m an invisible presence hidden from the skies,
You can’t even see me, the perfect disguise!
I walk right amongst you, you can’t even see,
I could be beside you or up that tall tree!

I’m riding a Unicorn right up the high street,
I’m stealing your pizza and that’s no mean feat!
I’ve emptied that bottle of great vintage wine
You think that you finished it at some other time!

I relocate objects just as I please,
My favourite: your glasses and of course your car keys!
At night my inventiveness is abundantly clear,
You huddle under your bedclothes and shiver with fear!

I’ve listened in to gossip you share with your friends
It can’t be un-heard how do I make amends?
You always blame me when I wasn’t even there,
It is simply isn’t possible it’s just so unfair!

You suspect I’m to blame because I’m never around,
It’s created suspicion, rumours abound!
I’ve learnt some home truths I wish I didn’t hear,
I’ve now gone and burnt it – I made it disappear!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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A Stable Delivery!

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Yesterday we made inroads into our haystack (see bards passim: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=784 & http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=917) by delivering a hundred bales to a local stable yard. This we stacked in a stable (with more success than in our own barn!). It was a sunny morning and the view from the high tractor cab on the journey was superb…
We delivered a hundred bales of hay
To a stable not far away
There wasn’t a star
To shine from afar
No wise men carting bales there today!

We drove the roads for a time
The view over hedges sublime
The frost in the lee
Of an ancient oak tree
Pretty seasonal grass-covered in rime!
We stacked the bales in the stable
With skill we knew we were able
The stack was quite tall
We hope it won’t fall
To emulate the Tower of Babel!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

FOR DELICIOUS HAY
(Local deliveries only)
E-MAIL: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk

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The Errant Dishwasher!

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Kitchen appliances – don’t you just love ‘em or hate ‘em? There they sit under the counter working away unnoticed and unloved until one day they rebel: “Today’s the day! Those un-caring bastards have used and abused me for long enough. This morning they need me more than ever so I’ll show them who’s boss!” You are left peering inside a familiar area with no indication of a fault beyond the obvious evidence of unwashed plates, cutlery, mugs and glassware and a feeling of helplessness…

We can’t call the doctor, we can’t call the vet,
The dishwasher’s poorly the floor is all wet!
Guests for lunch will soon be on the drive,
Washing up needed before they arrive!
I squirted too much Fairy into the sink
The suds always foam more than you think!
I tried the machine without any load,
Pleading and praying to wash I did goad!
All of a sudden I knew it was the drainer,
We’d have to buy a new one it was a no-brainer!
How do you choose when they all look the same?
The colour is standard so there’s only the name!
There’s Alice or Erik or even Betty too,
That would be easy if all you would do!
We went on the Internet to look at what’s there,
The information was sparse it just wasn’t fair!
So it’s to the shops disrupting our plans,
Either that or by Friday – over-soft hands!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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