Have you ever had to deal with a blocked drain? Not the most pleasant of jobs, particularly when it is the waste pipe that connects from the toilet to a septic tank that won’t flow. A strong stomach, no sense of smell, some thick gloves and a total lack of a gag reflex is called for. My best advice is to always call the plumber well before any of these items fail…

There was a man lived near Staines
Had awful problems with his drains
His wife had trouble with the flow
“When I’ve gone, it won’t go!”

He told her not to make a fuss,
Hold down the lever for a double flush!
She said “please don’t shout at me,”
“Until it’s done there’ll be no tea!”

“Shall I call the plumber or will you?
Say it’s an emergency, that much is true!”
“But he’ll charge a fortune, think me a berk,
I’ll clear it tomorrow after work!”

“Can’t do it now, it’s dark tonight,
Wouldn’t be able to see if I was right!”
“I’ve got no rods to clear the flue,
Can you get some tomorrow from B&Q?”

Came home from work, called her a sod,
“I didn’t mean a fishing rod!”
She told him again not to shout,
“Just go upstairs and fish it out!”

He went outside removed a lid,
Right past his face, something slid!
He exclaimed “Well I’ll be fo*k*d
The drain right here can’t be blocked!”

“There’s just one thing I’ll do if I can,
Reach my arm into the pan!”
The water was foul and awful stinking,
“What am I doing? What am I thinking?”

He wiggled his fingers around the bend,
Gagging, belching and retching no end!
Finally he discovered, soft and whole,
Out of the pan fished a whole loo roll!

“That’s where it went, I heard a splash,
Is that the phone? I must dash!”
With that his wife closed the door
And left him retching on the floor!

The moral of this tale is clear,
Need to go fishing? Choose a pier!
If your drains block, especially in summer,
Swallow your pride – CALL THE PLUMBER!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
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I try to avoid the doctor’s surgery at all costs. Maybe when I’m retired it will become a part of my weekly routine. Until then I have to be either needing the medical version of Control-Alt-Delete or a blow-out with an ear-canal-pressure-washer before I’ll even consider phoning the appointments line. After having put up with ear-ache for more days than I care to admit, I braved the surgery…

I needed to see a doctor as I had ear-ache,
I rang the surgery at not long after eight!
“The surgery you see,
Is busy until three,
You may just have to sit and wait!”

I checked in on the touch screen (date of birth),
Twenty-sixth of October (for what it is worth),
Rasping coughs and sneezes,
Always spread diseases!
Went to the waiting room (lacking mirth).

If they installed a take-away coffee machine,
And made all the seats comfy and clean,
I was there till half past three,
Neither drink nor cup of tea,
Some wouldn’t ever leave – would they Kathleen?

I saw the doctor for four minutes, that was all,
She asked what was wrong to necessitate this call,
I said it was my ear,
What she said was still not clear,
I came away with a prescription in a doctor’s scrawl!

Mrs Bard is sick of me saying ‘never fear’
‘What?’ and ‘eh?’ are all she ever hear,
Driving in the car,
Annoys her most by far,
I blame the cotton wool that’s wedged inside my ear!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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