Happy Easter!

Posted on March 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I once heard a non-Christian say: “You don’t have to be a Christian to celebrate Christmas and Easter!” I thought this was a great sentiment, after all, we all need an excuse to celebrate in the austere times. So here’s to you all, whatever your beliefs, Happy Easter…

Across the fields,
the church bells ring.
Whilst inside,
the choirs sing!

In the town,
supermarkets closed,
their aisles are empty,
why, no one knows!

Children laugh,
their mouths are brown!
As they pass,
the eggs around!

I hope you all,
have great fun.
Happy Easter,
to everyone!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
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The Great Easter Getaway!

Posted on March 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The Great Easter Getaway has started. What a change from last year when the beaches around the coast were packed with early sun-seekers! This year, even more people are flying off to find those sunny beaches rather than suffer Arctic temperatures at home. Even though plans are a-changing, motoring organisations are still predicting busy roads. So grab your emergency blankets, thermos flasks, snow shovel and prepare for the Great Easter Getaway 2013…

Jayden, Kelsee and the kids,
are queuing up at check-in,
The kids run free,
With ADHD,
Whilst every other word is feckin’.

The Taylor family from Bolton,
Broken down on the M1,
A nice rescue man,
Called ‘Fluorescent Stan’,
Will get them going by one!

Michael and Abi are moving,
They’re moving to Letchworth you see!
We hope no one shakes,
Their box full of snakes,
Or the new neighbours won’t ask them for tea!

Kevin’s new allotment in Baldock,
Is still mostly covered in snow!
It may be too late,
For a good cultivate,
But he’s bound to give it a go!

Stacey is going out shopping,
To Bluewater along with Charmaine!
They will go dine,
Lunch of pasta and wine,
Training for their trip out to Spain!

Mike and Jane are off to a pub quiz
They’re part of the ‘In-quiz-itors’ team!
Questions of sport,
Not really their sort,
To win would be a great dream!

Prakash and Nisha are in their shop,
It’s a working day,
For their success,
Involves some stress,
And much more work than play!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
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Warm Number One!

Posted on March 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I once worked on a Cambridgeshire estate. One of my fellow-workers, Derek, used to tell of the warms that you can get whilst logging a tree; One to cut down the tree, one to cord it up into lengths, one to load it onto the trailer, one from stacking it off the trailer back in the estate yard, one to saw up the lengths and one to split the sawn pieces, one when you filled the log shed and one when you took the logs to the fire and finally one from the fire itself! I make that nine warms from one tree! Today we are only on the first…

A giant Ash has fallen to earth,
It must have crashed down, by the size of its girth.
It no longer stands tall and proud,
One on its own, one in a crowd.
The chainsaw buzzes, heard for miles,
Sawing into cords then stacked in piles.
That’s one warm gained from this mighty tree,
Be quite a few more before it warms you and me!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
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It Takes All Sorts of Houses to Make a Street!

Posted on March 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Some people think, that just because they (or their other halves) have money, they are somehow better than others. I helped a builder-friend finish a refurbishment job in a fashionable area of London. The ‘Lady of the House’ may be blonde, slim and reasonably attractive, but she’s certainly no lady…

Been working up in London,
Helping a mate called Frank.
I may only be the builder’s mate,
But it’s money in the bank!

I’m what they call ‘The Gofer’
I go-fer this, go-fer that.
Sometimes my job even includes,
Fetching food for the owner’s cat!

Pete the plasterer slaps it on,
His hair, his clothes, his face!
Some gets onto the ceiling,
A miracle in this place!

I’ve got used to carrying cement,
I also carry grout,
If I make a mess on the carpet,
The owner will scream and shout!

She caught me with a camera,
Grabbed it and gave me gyp,
Threw it right through the window,
It landed in the skip!

The Plumber’s name is Stan,
That might just not be true,
He swears at the boss in Polish:
Or he could be swearing at you!

Mrs Hoity-Toity who lives here,
Calls us all “her men!”
With relief Pete says when he’s done,
He won’t see her again!

Frank reckons she’s playing hard to get!
“A right tasty bird!”
I suggested he fed her some millet,
He told me not to be absurd!

I managed to sneak a picture,
On my hidden mobile phone,
Don’t care if the woman sees it,
By now I’m safely at home!

Pete just shrugged in a Pete-like way,
And made my day complete:
Not known for speeches he just said:
“Takes all sorts of houses, to make a street!”
Pete and Stan go for lunch!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
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Beware of Crossing Ducks!

Posted on March 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A whole car-load of us were leaving a party on Sunday afternoon when we spotted an unusual sign. We kept our heads down and said nothing until we were well away from the venue. I have heard that ducks can turn nasty when crossed, but had no idea we had to be warned against this happening…

The ducks have turned nasty,
Someone’s wound them up,
Their leader has told the press,
They’re holding a hostage pup!

It wasn’t all my fault,
I was just mistaken,
‘Beware of Crossing Ducks!’
Nearly cost my bacon!

We were driving down near Ware,
When out from off a pond,
A duck armed with a shotgun,
Obviously badly wronged!

“Are you the dirty rat?” he cried,
“Lowlife son of a gun!”
As he chewed on a piece of pondweed,
“Have you seen my Betty-hun?”

“Wasn’t me it was her!”
I pointed to my wife!
“She ordered duck for dinner,”
(I pleaded for my life!)

“Now look here, you @*&%@+$!”
I heard my beloved cry,
“You blaming me for what I ate?
I’d be careful if you were I!”

The duck stepped back three paces,
“I’ll be letting you all be,”
Turning to me he warned:
“You’re in trouble enough without me!”

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
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Third World Facilities!

Posted on March 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

According to a United Nations report, six billion of the world’s seven billion people have a mobile phone, whereas only 4.5 billion have access to a toilet. It is many years since the public toilets in Baldock closed and the phone signal in the town can be lamentable. Baldock is just 25 miles North of London, with third world facilities and phone signal….

I was shopping in the High Street,
I knew something was amiss,
I thought I’d finished shopping,
But had mislaid my list!
I decided to ring Mrs Bard,
To save another trip,
Alas no signal on my phone,
Not a single blip!
Then I spied the phone box,
Standing all alone,
I’d forgotten how to use one,
I went in and rang my home!
While waiting for an answer,
I thought what could this be?
I felt increasing pressure,
Was desperate for a pee!
The toilets are all closed,
So to avoid any yelps,
I drove to the superstore,
Where every little helps!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Bootsale returns from hibernation on the 13th April 2013!
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The March Blanket!

Posted on March 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Woke this Saturday morning to a blanket of snow. News channels are enjoying a feeding-frenzy of low-cost pictures of sliding cars with spinning wheels and disgruntled drivers. Livestock farmers feed their livestock with ever-dwindling supplies and on some farms, seed sits in the bag rather than in the ground. This time last year we had a hosepipe ban and seaside-style temperatures. No two years are ever the same, particularly on an Island such as ours – just ask a farmer! But what do we know compared to some climate-change preacher who lives in Islington and works in an office! Spring is in the air…

March the twentieth 2013,
a week before Easter.
Spring has sprung,
and winter
is put away
for another year,
in a box marked:
DO NOT OPEN UNTIL
December 21^st 2013.
Spring…
a time for daffodils
and crocuses
and
newly-born
lambs gambolling
on fresh grass,
the warm sun
on their backs
and…

“heavy snow
across parts
of Eastern England.”
It’s Saturday
March the twenty-third 2013,
and a white blanket
lays across
the fields.
The geese look
upon this winter scene
with surprise,
nobody warned them!
In the yard,
a confused pick-up,
wears a white hood.

The snow-plough,
another winter passed,
has been
greased
maintained
and forgotten!

Some will say
“That’s Climate Change
for you!”

Strange that
my father’s
and
grandfather’s
diary’s show
that no two years
have ever been
the same….

Plus ca change
c’est la meme…

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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Analogue Surprises!

Posted on March 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you like surprises? It was time for an office clear-up. I had become fed up with the amount of paper cluttering up my desk. Why do companies do it? Do they honestly think that, when money is tight, anybody is going to show loyalty to their products just because they sent a badly-worded, poorly printed, piece of A4 that is personally addressed? All it does is clutter my desk and give me a reason not to do business with them! While clearing out my office yesterday I came across two historic items from a bygone, analogue age…

I was having a good old clear out
Before an office avalanche!
There was enough waste paper,
To make a recycling branch!

I cleared away the danger zone,
Magazines by the score,
And came across part of the past,
I hadn’t seen before!

An ancient film (undeveloped),
Secrets trapped within.
And an analogue trip-planner of the UK,
Should I consign both to the bin?

The roads have changed immeasurably,
Some aren’t even shown!
And as for the pictures locked in the film,
I can’t possibly leave them unknown!

So watch this space in the future!
For when the pictures return,
If they’re any cringe making or embarrassing,
What secrets within, you might learn!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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Gin the Cat!

Posted on March 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Are you a cat or dog person? Whereas dogs show unconditional love, cats are more discrete with their emotions. They also have been known to show great annoyance at the names by which their human calls them. It is also not uncommon for them to eschew meals in order to make a point, this sometimes worries humans of nervous disposition. This can lead to the tempting to the bowl with such delacies as salmon, prawns and fresh liver, only for pussy to bypass them in favour of the original canned food or dried nuts. Cats know their place, their humans sometimes do not…

We have a cat, her name is Gin,
Because she’s such a tonic!
She’s always been a coward,
Sudden noise, goes supersonic!

Some days she’s fond of fish,
Other days it must be chicken,
Put some butter on her paws,
She becomes a-kitten-lick’n!

She likes to come in through the window,
When we’re fast asleep.
Bringing dead mice to show us,
Then on the bed to eat!

The other day she was poorly,
We thought she was quite ill,
My hand was scratched to pieces,
Getting her to take a pill!

But now she is much better,
Back to how she was before,
We remain her servants,
That’s what we humans are for!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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How to Make a Fat Old Man Very Happy! (How to make a happy old man very fat!)

Posted on March 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Food, Glorious Food! So sung a thin scrawny child in a West-End musical some years ago. Someone once said: “never trust a thin chef!” My new motto is (to be said with a mouth crammed with chocolate): “To hell with the diet, these are too good for words!” I am a very happy fat old man as one of Granddaughter Bard’s Godmothers has given me a present…

As a regular reader you will know,
How food obsessed I am,
Any type of food will do,
Beef or pork or lamb.

However that’s just half of it,
Or maybe just a third,
I have a sweet obsession,
That most find quite absurd.

When I was twelve in hospital,
I was given coffee creams,
I ate them all without a pause,
(Despite the nurses’ screams!).

Nat came to see Granddaughter Bard,
A Godmother she’s to be,
She had made some coffee creams
That’s right, all just for me!

Now I was always taught to share
As a theory that is fine
But when it comes to coffee creams,
I’m sorry, they’re all mine!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: March 2013

Happy Easter!

The Great Easter Getaway!

Warm Number One!

It Takes All Sorts of Houses to Make a Street!

Beware of Crossing Ducks!

Third World Facilities!

The March Blanket!

Analogue Surprises!

Gin the Cat!

How to Make a Fat Old Man Very Happy! (How to make a happy old man very fat!)