Sheltering from Rain!

Posted on April 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s strange how we all shelter from the rain. So great a percentage of our bodies is made up from water that you’d think we’d dance around in a shower to celebrate the fact! Yesterday I wrote about loss, following on from the tragic events at the Boston Marathon and my own experiences. I received a number of e-mails asking why I hadn’t mentioned the injustices that exist all over the world. Places were quoted such as Palestine, Iraq and Afghanistan (to name but three). This set me thinking, as any comment should. I came to two conclusions. Firstly: There is so much injustice caused by man in the world, that it is physically impossible to even begin to consider them all. Secondly: In my very limited experience of the world I can only write with conviction about what I know and leave higher topics to those with the knowledge to do so. I thank the writers for those e-mails as it has made me think. That is all…

We all shelter from the rain,
whether in Baldock or Delhi.
We all turn up our noses,
at subjects that to us are smelly!
Everyone writes with agenda,
sometimes they write ‘cos of pain,
But there’s one thing we do all together,
we shelter out of the rain!

PS. There used to be a comic called Dave Allen. He would end his TV show with the phrase: May your God go with you. Amen.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  
The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk

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A Father’s Wish

Posted on April 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Imagine the scene: A father has just finished running a marathon. He stands just across the finishing line, bent double, hands on knees, chest heaving and gasping for breath. He looks up and sees his eight-year-old son excitedly dodging through the crowds to get to him. They embrace. After a short moment the father says: “Son, you’d better get back to your brother, sister and mom, I’ll come and find you in a minute.” All I need to add is Boston 15^th April 2013.
My heart goes out to Bill Richard. He lost his son Martin, 8. His wife is fighting for her life and his 6 year-old daughter has lost a leg, while his 12 year-old son apparently escaped injury.
On the 15^th of August 1998, on the day of the bombing in Omagh, Northern Ireland, four and a half years before I lost my own son, I wrote a piece about loss from the perspective of a father. I naively thought it would be topical only once, how wrong I was…

A Father’s Wish

Turn back the clock
To before they were gone
So we can put right
All that was wrong
Turn back the clock
To sunnier days
When peace was a promise
In so many ways
Turn back the clock
I know it can’t be
Turn back the clock
AND LET IT BE ME

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 

I always try where possible to use my own photographs or at the very least, attempt to contact and ask permission from the owners of any I may use from the internet. On this occasion there was no information regarding the owner, so if you do know who owns the rights I’d be most grateful to know so that I can make contact.

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The Analogue Book Store!

Posted on April 16, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was in a branch of Waterstones yesterday when a thought suddenly struck me: How would I explain the concept of a bookshop to my granddaughter in ten or fifteen years time? I used to like nothing better than a mooch around Waterstones or the now defunct Borders. But it is the now-forgotten Ottakers that occupies a special place in my heart. It was there, about twelve years ago, that I not only won my first poetry prize, but also gave my first public performance and made a young girl giggle. Unfortunately that same young girl had beaten me into runner-up position, with a verse about her pet gerbil or similar, but her appreciation seemed to foster magnanimity! I had no idea that it would take such a short time for so many bookshops to vanish from our high streets. Whereas shopping for my kindle online may be swift, cheap and effortless, it lacks a certain je ne sais quoi. It is less than conducive to a sudden discovery of a new book or genre. So when possible I still enjoy a good mooch…

Oh what bliss,
to stare and stop,
analogue heaven,
in a bookshop!

If it took so long,
to shop for food,
tempers would fray,
and shoppers be rude!

I see a book,
and then another,
one for a grand-daughter,
one for her mother!

I buy a road map,
(fed up with sat-nav),
and a small comic book,
just right for the lav!

But best of all,
after quite a while,
I return to the street,
with a very broad smile!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  
The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Spring Arrives in Baldock!

Posted on April 15, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Suddenly it seems as if winter has given way to spring. The birds have discovered their best singing voices, flowers are showing signs of colour and the first splodges of dropped ice cream can be seen on the pavements. How long these balmy temperatures will last is anyone’s guess…

Spring has sprung in Baldock,
The daffs are making a show,
The temperatures are at last balmy,
Everyone’s forgotten the snow!
They’re busy down the allotments,
It’ll be late planting this year,
They’ve set some veg next to the hedge,
In the hope it escapes the deer!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Naughty Alfie!

Posted on April 13, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was picking up the litter after this morning’s car boot sale when I heard shouting from the footpath behind the hedge. I saw a black, spaniel-sized dog, running across our neighbour’s field of oil seed rape. The more the dog’s owner shouted, the further away the dog ran. I was half expecting it to disappear through the fence to chase the sheep in the far field. Thankfully it was distracted by a flock of pigeons…

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…”
Alfie’s owner puffed,
while his wife looked furious,
and his daughter huffed.

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
I will tan your hide,
then lock you in the garage,
not let you come inside!”

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
leave those sheep alone,
If you don’t come along soon,
You won’t be coming home!

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
stop playing with that lamb,
we’ll feed you when we get home,
some nice organic ham!”

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
I’ll soon be at a loss,
the farmer has a gun,
and he’s looking very cross!”

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
stop playing with those sheep,
why they’re in the countryside,
when it’s cold and threatening sleet?”

Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
Killed the lamb with just one bite,
the nasty farmer shot him,
he won’t be home tonight.

Please note: It is not advisable to feed a dog on ham, it is only used in this context as it rhymes with lamb! The author takes no responsibility for the diet of reader’s dogs.
I (along with most farmers) find the thought of killing a dog abhorrent, however it is up to responsible dog owners to keep their dogs on a lead in the countryside and away from livestock.
Unfortunately, while farmers are within their rights to shoot a dog worrying livestock, the same does not apply to punishment of irresponsible owners.

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Daily Commute!

Posted on April 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I have just come back from a very wet early-morning farmyard. The hens don’t like the rain but the geese and ducks are happy! While outside, it struck me that it’s a good job that we are all different: I thought of dairy farmers, whose daily venture out into the dark and the rain and the muck, isn’t for me. My mind also wandered to those hurrying for the train: I could never see myself working in a city, yet I know some whose whole life revolves around a daily crowded commute (I would say ‘herded like sheep’, but if sheep were crammed that way into a lorry, a prosecution would swiftly follow). So I count my blessings…

A friend travels to London by train every day,
I wouldn’t consider it for treble his pay!
When the train arrives it’s already full,
We couldn’t do it to animals, it’s too cruel!
It’s bad enough that he’s no chance of a seat,
Near four-thousand-pound ticket, his misery’s complete.
It’s my choice to work every Saturday,
He’d not entertain an alarm call that day!
So while I am enjoying meeting new folk,
He’s still dreaming of a commute to the smoke!
So come tomorrow morning, my pleasure not pain,
Except of course, if it’s peeing with rain!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns at 7am this Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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The Serene Swan!

Posted on April 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

How do you work best? Do you need a deadline and find that last-minute pressure guarantees your best performance? Or are you mega-organised, coasting through your working day like a helium balloon on a gentle breeze? In my little world, the pressure is on full volume at the moment and the oven is set to gas mark 9. Despite having had six months of an empty field to prepare for a new season of car boot sales, the weather and my poor time management has led to a last minute panic. It has to be ready for 7am Saturday morning or customers will be disappointed and have yet another excuse to laugh at me (rather than my choice of hat). However all is not lost, I am doing my slow breathing exercises: breath in… breath out… and thinking calm thoughts…

I saw a serene swan,
gently floating on the water.
I called out, “Mrs Swan,
tell me, how’s your daughter?
And how is it that,
when all around could scream,
all you seem to do,
is gently float on down the stream?”

The swan looked at me,
neither bitter nor afraid:
“You really do not get it,”
she sounded quite dismayed.
“You think I’ve time to stop,
to enquire if you are well,
when underneath the surface
I am paddling hard as hell!”

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am this Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Buttons the Pirate!

Posted on April 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Friends have a dog called Buttons. Yesterday the vet had to remove one of Button’s eyes. Buttons has been transformed in an instant. Known locally as ‘a mild-mannered and gentle sort’, the operation has revealed an alter ego: The Pirate Buttons, leader of the craziest bunch of smuggling cut-throats that ever wore a dog collar! Don’t anyone dare mention Cinderella or pantomimes, you could find yourselves sent to Davy Jones’s Locker (Oh yes you will! Oh no you won’t! repeat until bored)…

Buttons is a pirate,
Rules the Severn Seas!
His deputy head,
is a Setter (red),
who never ever says ‘please!’

A parrot on the shoulder,
A patch upon the eye!
A single slash,
with a cutlass rash,
watch out passers by!

The gang are ruthless cut-throats,
A Doberman tried to blag!
Walked the plank,
outside the bank,
head covered by a used poo bag!

Around Topsham in Devon,
Where there smugglers be!
In darkened bars,
selling hooky jars,
of Pedigree Chum for tea!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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A Grand National Hindsight!

Posted on April 9, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Hindsight is a wonderfully useless gift! Last Saturday, all my stars were lined up in a row, the Ides (of April) were predicting great things, and more black cats crossed my path than you could shake a tin of Whiskas at. So what did I do? Did I bless the handful of lucky heather, pick seven four-leafed clovers and ignore the row of ladders? I’m not a betting man, I wouldn’t know the inside of a betting shop from a ladies hairdresser, so was not contemplating donating to a local bookmaker just because it was Grand National Saturday. However when a Facebook entry from Aurora D read: ‘Aurora’s Encore 66/1… No brainer’, I was willing to step over the portal with spondoolies in my grubby hand…

What was I thinking?
What didn’t I do?
I can’t believe this can be true!
The greatest tip,
I’ve ever had,
66/1 odds weren’t so bad!

In the town,
Granddaughter in tow,
I forgot to bet, don’t you know?
Looked it up,
Mobile Internet,
Outside Waitrose, won’t forget!

The race is run,
Quarter past four,
And the winner is – Aurora’s Encore!
Then I thought,
It’s only money,
Granddaughter giggled, now that was funny!

With apologies to Aurora D, as on July 24^th 2012, I suggested that we watch this one as she would set new trends in the history of Auroras (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=900). I ignored my own prediction and therefore have tended my resignation from the Union of Soothsayers and Predictors (Baldock Branch) with immediate effect. (It should also be noted by the prosecution team, that she is also one of my Granddaughter’s Godmothers and so I am in double-dip-doo-doo!)

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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A Fudge Treat!

Posted on April 8, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you sometimes give yourself a little reward when you think you deserve it? On Saturday I felt in need of such a treat. I was well on track with preparations for the first of this season’s car boot sales, I had a day off and the sun was shining. I realize that I can’t take credit for the weather, but it was as good an excuse for sneaking into Sweet Paradise (www.sweetparadise.co.uk) for a reward as I’ve heard…

I went to buy some coffee creams,
Withdrawal symptoms haunted my dreams!
I went to Sweet Paradise, my favourite sweeterie,
They’ve all sorts of delights that so suit-a-me!

Lo and behold! Coffee creams out of stock,
What a surprise, oh no, such a shock!
Instead (in mitigation), I’d tell a judge:
“My next favourite a-plenty, vanilla fudge!”

I’m afraid now my story becomes quite obscene,
I ate a bag full of fudge, my face went green!
“You are so disgusting!” yelled Mrs Bard,
“I think I’ll now call you, the Baldock Lard!”

… but the fudge tasted so good it was a wonderful treat!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  
The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: April 2013