You’re Safer Ordering the Giant Hot Dog!

Posted on May 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Ordering food can be tricky when you don’t know what you want. One minute you fancy something simple but once you look at the menu you suddenly realize that the first idea is like an entrée and you’re lining up an eat-a-thon! The big problem for me is that I like food, it’s as simple as that. No need for expensive hours in therapy, gabbing away on a couch trying to reach my inner soul. I’m only too aware of where it is, it’s trying to break out above my belt-line…

I ate a giant hot dog,
Nothing could compare,
Except a unicorn burger,
That I once had at a fair!

It was kind of sparkley,
And tasted oh, so so,
I’d never eaten unicorn before,
So I guess I wouldn’t know.

So if you buy a burger,
And you find a rainbow hair,
Swop it for a hot dog,
Because unicorn is rare!

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Percy the Owl

Posted on May 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

As part of our certification process to ensure quality and traceability of our crops we have to ensure that any storage area is vermin-free. When I was a boy on the farm we kept pigs in open-fronted sheds, as a result there were swarms of sparrows and starlings. Fast-forward over forty years and numbers are depleted to just a handful to be seen around the buildings. It has always been a challenge to keep sparrows away from grain in a shed until we enlisted the help of an owl called Percy…

We have an owl called Percy that lives in our shed,
His effect on sparrows – fantastic!
What they don’t know,
‘Cos it doesn’t show,
He is made of plastic!

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The Pavement Pounders!

Posted on May 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The head of a Korean car company was once apparently quoted as saying that ‘those who need a gym after work aren’t working hard enough’. Personally I think that’s unfair to those who work behind a desk. I count myself lucky that I get some exercise during the day, although not as much as I used to, thanks to the demands of an administrative paperwork mountain. So flex those muscles, don those expensive trainers and hit the pavements. I’m afraid you’ll have to go on your own as I’ve got oats to shovel this morning…

Jim and Jan are joggers,
Running around the town,
Pounding the pavements,
Bits bouncing up and down!
At first the cause was dietary,
Then it became a craze,
Now it’s an obsession,
Not just a passing phase!
One day they might need surgery,
One knee perhaps two,
But for now they’re happy,
To jog past me and you!

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The Bank Holiday Barbecue!

Posted on May 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Almost all of us are blessed with a room crammed full of cooking facilities called a ‘kitchen’. However given a sunny day, with reasonably warm temperatures, we feel this primeval urge to rush outside and attempt to poison the family with undercooked or charred meat, cooked caveman-style. Given the choice I’m certain that homo-erectus would have chosen the fitted B&Q with low level grill, self-cleaning oven and hob…

Dave has lit the barbecue,
He’s also singed his hair!
The family wait hungrily,
For food that’s not quite there!

The girls are picking daisies,
The boys are scoring goals,
Dave’s poor face is reddening,
From blowing glowing coals!

The wives are busy chatting,
Don’t notice all the smoke,
Mick cracks Dave a much-needed beer,
It’s a hard job being a bloke!

An hour later they call the kids,
“Have something now to eat”
Before they have a chance to moan,
ketchup smothers meat!

Later when the light has gone,
The kids are all inside,
Huddled around the failing heat,
Dave’s shlurring hish wordsh with pride!

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An Unusual Bank Holiday Visitor!

Posted on May 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

As a headline in a tabloid newspaper once put it “Phew What a Scorcher!” The weather this weekend has exceeded all expectations and we’ve enjoyed the company of an unexpected visitor, the sun! Lets hope it chooses to visit a few more times this summer…

What has happened I can’t rightly say,
But the weather’s been perfect this Bank Holiday.
The beaches have been busy, We’ve all seen the sun,
A most unusual visitor has uplifted everyone.
Around the rusty barby the chatter has been loud
Oblivious to the forming of large smokey cloud
Down by the ice cream van see the children swarm
Most can’t remember it being this warm!
We can just hope (according to Frank’s mum):
“A fine Bank Holiday is the sign of better things to come!”

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Shortbread on the River!

Posted on May 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A friend said on the phone: “Where are you? It sounds as if you’re speaking from the bottom of a bucket!” I replied that Mrs Bard and I were taking a short break on the river. Apparently this translated in poor-signal-phone-speak as ‘Shortbread on the river’. Thus the MV Shortbread was launched…

We took a short break on the river,
With excitement we could only just handle,
The weather for May, was only Ok,
More Wellington Boot than sandal.

We came to a lock with confusion,
Had to fill it before we went in,
The water arose as it does I suppose,
First dead bottle of wine for the bin!

We stopped for the night by a lake,
Secured the boat to a tree,
Come six-O’clock, we were back at the lock,
We’d not mastered the ropes, that was me!

Back at the mooring, secure,
I said “how lucky we are!”
Two more bottles of wine, we felt just fine,
As for food, it was back in the car!

We walked in search of a pub,
It was far further than it oughta!
On the way back, we came under attack,
From some cows and I fell in the water!

“You’re not coming in wet like that!”
Mrs Bard shouted at me!
I knew I was wet, how could I forget?
So had to disrobe by a tree!

I showered and warmed my poor body,
Had a steaming hot chocolate as well,
When we get back, how good was that?
Only edited highlights we’ll tell!

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Technical Issues

Posted on May 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We’re sorry there’s no verse today,
It’s down to connection issues,
We have sent the server up to bed,
With some Panadol and tissues!
So we are filled with remorse,
And a little sorrow,
But if we can we’ll try our best,
Be back with you tomorrow!

Baldock Bard

When Geese Play Trains!

Posted on May 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is something very majestic about geese gently floating down the river. They seem to have few cares in the world and just let life float by. However I am, of course, looking over into my neighbours garden and seeing a perfectly tended lawn without a weed in sight! We all tend to see only the finished product without any of the hard work…

Mr and Mrs Goose and Mr and Mrs Goose,
Are floating down the river.
They don’t seem to care about much,
They’ve got Tesco to deliver!

The Goslings are playing ‘trains’
Just like the ones passing by,
Whisking commuters up to town,
Under a bright blue sky!

But underneath the water,
Are some very large rocks,
These they float right over,
But they can’t ignore the fox!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

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The Student

Posted on May 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I found myself stunned the other day when I saw a student revising in the sunshine. Having just witnessed a group of her peers noisily rushing around the town it came as a shock to see. It is only too easy to adopt a ‘in our day we were different’ attitude, however once the mist clears I seem to remember being part of the rowdy element rather than revising…

She sits in the sun revising,
An unusual sight on the grass,
How much she does will determine,
Whether distinction, credit or pass.
What I wonder awaits her,
In the great wild world out there,
Will she be better off because of revision,
Or rely like so many on welfare?
Will she be saddled by debt for her studies,
And then search in vain for a job,
Forsaken by politics from all parties,
Who concentrate recourses on the yob.

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The Bard’s Anniversary!

Posted on May 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard has put up with me for thirty-four years! I have never understood what she saw in me but know that I got the better deal. I have been told that she always saw herself marrying a rugby-playing, dark-haired Welshman. How she ended up with a blonde-haired, fool-playing Englishman is a mystery. If you wish you may sing along to the tune: ‘I’m getting married in the morning’, or not…

We got married one bright May morning,
Nineteenth of the month, in seventy-nine!
I was only young then,
not long from my playpen!
But managed to get to the chapel on time!

We went on Honeymoon from docks at Dover,
Took the ferry, crossing was sublime!
I had dirty washing,
to my Bride this was just shocking,
But managed to get to the hotel on time!

Drove right down to the Italian coast then,
Had a friend to stay with, that was fine!
In my ancient Lancia,
we took a great big chance-ia,
But managed to get to Venice on time!

We’ve been married just for thirty-four years,
Even have a grandchild, that is fine!
I would recommend,
that you start off as a friend,
Then you’ll be married a very long time!

Dedicated with thanks and love to Mrs Bard and all our family and friends who have been so supportive during good times and bad.

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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: May 2013

You’re Safer Ordering the Giant Hot Dog!

Percy the Owl

The Pavement Pounders!

The Bank Holiday Barbecue!

An Unusual Bank Holiday Visitor!

Shortbread on the River!

Technical Issues

When Geese Play Trains!

The Student

The Bard’s Anniversary!