Monthly Archives: May 2013

Twenty-five Unconfined Mice!

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Farmhouse LivestockThere are major drawbacks with living in an old draughty farmhouse. While all your friends gasp at the wonderful wooden beams and rooms filled with what estate agents call ‘character’, you simply long for warm rooms with no draughts and double glazing! Another downside is the attractiveness to small livestock that your period property poses. The little sods arrive, march in through cracks in walls, doors or windows and before you know it you have a plague…

Twenty-five unconfined mice*,
Oh! They’re such fun!
They all ran after the farmer’s wife,
Who threatens her husband with a carving knife,
If he doesn’t shift them she’ll end his life!
Twenty-five bloody mice!

*25 mice killed in seven days with the help of three mouse traps and a jar of peanut butter (The Baldock Bard is still entire but it was a close run thing!)

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Twitter: @baldockbard
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The Day I Shot a Fox!

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Poxy Foxy!Regular readers will know that a fox has killed all our hens. As a farmer I understand a little about nature, just as you get to know a partner after a few years together! I admit being baffled by the behaviour of foxes. Any animal will kill to feed their young, however the fox will kill a hen, remove its head and leave the meat to kill again. As a result we have no hens left on the farm and the farmyard is eerily quiet. Oh! And before anyone tells me about hens – I know they enjoy nothing better than killing and eating baby mice, apart from pecking each other that is! Anyway I digress. The other afternoon I spied an unwelcome visitor and gave chase…

There’s a killer stalking the farm,
And I am on its trail,
If I can get close enough,
I may try to grab its tail!
But if I am a long way off,
Further than I can reach,
I shall use another way,
So a lesson, I can, it teach!

I crept up on it silently,
Then thought. ‘what the hell!’
Had it firmly in my sights,
The damn thing knew as well.
It turned at length and faced me,
It knew the end was nigh,
I framed it in the cross-hairs,
And shot it in the eye!

Now before you get the wrong idea,
And possibly start to moan,
The picture’s on top of this page,
Shot with my i-Phone!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Temptation of the Cake Shop, Sharnbrook!

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SharnbrookHave you ever visited somewhere you’ve never been before and discovered a hidden gem? Yesterday I went to a funeral in the small village of Felmersham, north of Bedford. Having left ‘in plenty of time’, I was an hour early for the service. How to kill time when you have relied on the Sat-nav for directions, have no idea what is nearby and you are out of 3G range? I drove in a random direction and came across a little gem, The Cake Shop in Sharnbrook. My stomach leapt with joy…
The Cake ShopIf I lived in a village called Sharnbrook,
I would weigh at least thirty stone!
Because I would lack the will-power,
to leave all those cakes alone!

I would start with the coffee cake,
(I know how good this can be!)
A Macaroon, would make me swoon,
A Victoria Sponge for tea!

But then the tray of pastries,
Temptation level ten!
And having tried each one,
(and a Chelsea bun!)
I’d have to start again!
The Cake Shop 2Dedicated to the two charming ladies in the Cake Shop, 63 High Street, Sharnbrook, (MK441PB on your satnav!). I would recommend a detour to taste their wonderful cakes!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard

E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Nature’s Light Show!

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Rainbow 130513A couple of evenings ago there was a stunning rainbow. It was so spectacular that it took a moment before I grabbed my trusty camera. The results were less than worthy until I ran outside into the rain with a ‘too-impressive-to-worry-about-the-camera’ attitude. I was so stunned at the beauty of natures light show that I almost forgot to take any pictures…

“There’s gold at the end of the rainbow!”
My old mother used to say,
There wasn’t much gold
only rain, wet and cold,
With one the other day.

I rushed out with my trust spade,
To see what I could find,
Just a root
and a chickens foot,
That the fox had left behind!

I left the gold for some other fool,
And instead looked on with pleasure,
The colours were bright
in the stormy light,
I knew I’d discovered treasure!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Sinking Phone!

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Hazels Lost PhoneHazel attempting to send a text on the nearest available power tool!
Friend Hazel has lost her phone. Unfortunately its last ringtone was ‘plop’ as it fell into the River Great Ouse. Surprisingly husband Matt (Big Matt, the Handy Handyman), refused to leap into the river to save it from a watery grave. Some have cruelly suggested that her next phone should have Handel’s Water Music as the ringtone or River Deep (mountain high). However all is not lost as the phone has been adopted by a group of fresh-water mussels and is enjoying its new life…

What’s that floating in the river?
Oh look it’s Hazel’s phone!
No more calls it will deliver,
From its watery home!

No more pictures will it send,
It’s battery life is over,
Perhaps it’s looking for a friend?
Or a dogfish that’s called Rover!

It is ‘singing with the fish’,
That Electric Eel’s a shocker!
It is happy in its new home now,
In Davy Joneses Locker!

Big Matt the Handyman is in the West Cambs/North Beds area NOW!
Call 07725 007 454
He may be tall, but no job’s too small!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Once a Knight…always a Knight!

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Once a KnightI was poking my nose into some local history yesterday when I came across a tale of a mysterious knight that lived long ago. Adding together bits and pieces and making up what I couldn’t discover (like a true historian), I came up with his story. It may be slightly less than authentic, but it sounds good to me…

There once was a kindly knight,
Who was ever so polite,
He’d say to you,
before he ran you through,
“I don’t mean it, much, goodnight!”

One day while riding his horse,
He met a damsel in distress (of course!)
She swooned at his offer,
a lift he did proffer,
Carried her off without sign of force!

She bore him a son and an heir,
With the brightest and reddest ginger hair!
At the time of conception,
he ignored the reception,
So a knave nipped smartish in there!

The king took his knight off to war,
Was the last of him that she saw,
His words in the fight:
“That hurts, Ouch! Goodnight!”
And they buried him near Bangalore!

I bet a wonder you’ve one?
Whatever happened to the son?
He lost the plot,
was called Laugh-a-Lot,
Was the heir with the hair who was fun!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Joy and Destruction of Hen and Stag Weekends!

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Hen & StagAccording to the press, it’s high season for stag and hen week-ends. No longer is a simple evening out enough, it has turned into a mini-break designed to outdo the last one! Poor old Blackpool has come in for some stick recently having apparently taken over the mantle of Hen/Stag HQ, from Riga (somewhere in the Baltic, since you asked!). No longer is it ‘Kiss Me Quick’ on the seaside hats but ‘Quick Be Sick!’. Every generation has had its Achilles Hell, without which the tabloids would carry no news! So here’s to Hens, Stags (and Asprin!)…

My friend’s not speaking to me any more,
He’s very cross, his bride is sore,
I don’t really know what to say,
It wasn’t only me who spoilt their day.
It wasn’t me, I thought it was you,
Who put him on that train for Crewe!
I thought you’d checked that he had money,
At the time we thought it was so funny.
But I felt my stomach lurch,
When he didn’t turn up for his bride to church.
Apparently we are all to blame,
For putting him on the northern train.
She also says we’re ‘rebel rousers’,
For leaving him without his trousers!
I’m quite sure it’ll settle down,
But until then we’d better leave town!
Stag LLucy Locket, sick in her pocket
Like a fish did flounder!
Tried to stand without support
of her drunken friends around her!
Henparty2Little Boy Blue,
Asleep on the lawn,
He’s feeling poorly and all forlorn!
Where is the groom that is marrying today?
Still on the bench and far away!
Stag CollapseLittle Bo Peep,
Dressed up as a sheep,
On her back a large red L!
She will go home,
No more shall she roam
Tomorrow her head will be hell!
HenpartiesJack and Jill
Both fell ill
On a stag and hen weekend!
Jill fell down
Ripped her bridal gown
And Jack’s still in Southend!
GroomPlease do not try this at home, serving suggestion only!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Famous for his Shirt!

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Not RooneyHave you ever met anyone famous? Did you know what to say or did you get someone to take one of those ‘look-I’m-now-friends-with-a-famous-person’ Facebook shots? A famous footballer comes to the car boot sale quite regularly. Last weekend I missed a ‘world exclusive’ when I failed to ask him if he had any plans to change clubs. He always wears his name on the back of his shirt to remind himself and his team-mates who he is, looks genuine enough to me…

One morning a man from slumber arose,
Went to the boot sale to buy some new clothes!
He hadn’t a clue-ny
with a shirt that said Rooney,
Can’t be his name as everyone knows!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Exciting News from the Farm!

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Canada Geese 2013We have exciting news! Two wild Canada Geese have successfully hatched five chicks. To most farmers this would be as ground-breaking a headline as ‘Jet takes off from Gatwick!’ would be to the national press. But to us it’s historic as it is many years since we’ve had a visiting goose successfully lay eggs, let alone hatch chicks. So I ask for your understanding in our mini-moment of celebration of a small triumph…

A family from far away,
Is staying at the farm,
Lo and behold they’re parents,
No cause for any alarm!
Neither of them claim benefits,
Nor asylum seek,
They aren’t going to end up in the dock,
In front of an aged beak!
We can’t interfere with nature,
We hope the chicks survive,
And all fly away together,
When autumn days arrive!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Who Left the Gate Open?

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Open GateDo we truly appreciate our surroundings? I think not and I am as bad a culprit as you can get. I went into the wood yesterday evening to photograph some bluebells. As I was leaving the sun caught my eye as it streamed through an open gate. Without knowing how my much-used Panasonic would deal with all those things it does, I snapped off a couple of shots. It was only when I returned to the office that I truly believed the beauty of the scene, however the farmer in me posed the question – who left the gate open…?

Was it Tommy from the cottage walking his dog?
Or John with his chainsaw, after sawing a log?
Was it some deer that had been, on grass just grazing?
Or some hesitant ramblers, who were lost from near Nazeing?
Was it daughter Siân, with my baby grand-daughter?
Or a cat after songbirds, intent on some slaughter?
Was it a rabbit dandelioning away from its burrow?
Or a raptor on a mission, chasing a sparrow?
Was it a fox with a mouth full, of my missing hen?
Or the hounds with the hunt, who have lost it again?
Was it Charlotte on Dolly, out for a ride?
Or a poacher with a pheasant, hung from his side?
I really don’t know who it could be,
Of one thing I’m certain,
it was most probably me!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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