The Art Installation!

Posted on July 8, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I’ve always been very critical of what I have sometimes referred to in the past as ‘non-Art’. Unmade beds and cross-sectioned animals in formaldehyde did nothing to inflate my boat, let alone float it. Therefore when I was invited to the unveiling of an ‘installation’ on Saturday evening by the famous Ukranian artist Ivalotof Pistak, I was tempted to stay at home and rearrange my stamp collection. However sense prevailed and I was entranced as the artist turned an ordinary tree into a magical ‘shrine of light’…

We sat in a circle around a tree,
When music started (out of key).
And in front of us on the third refrain,
Stood a famous artist from Ukraine.

She started to howl,
She started to shake,
And very soon installation make!
Coloured ropes and balloons with light,
Illuminated tree by fall of night!

The audience clapped,
The audience cheered,
And just like that,
She disappeared!

Come the morning,
For all to see,
‘Twas back to being,
An ordinary tree!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Big Yellow Man with Sore Shoulders!

Posted on July 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

After a glorious Friday it looks like Saturday is going to be a perfect summer’s day as well! Hello water shortage, hello hose-pipe ban! I see mass stupidity gathering on the horizon as self-appointed guardians rush to protect us from ourselves…

I wonder how many,
Are felling quite sore,
On parts of their bodies,
Not exposed before!
Perhaps it’s their back,
Or even their chest,
We won’t travel any further,
That would be best!
The back my neck,
Is a little warmed,
So please wear sunscreen,
You have been warned!

Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy summer while it is here!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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A Perfect Summer’s Morn!

Posted on July 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is something very wrong about this morning. It’s seven o’clock on the first Friday in July and there isn’t a cloud in the sky. Not even a hint of Santa’s beard, or a single strand of goat hair, nothing. Now I realize that those of you who live in sunny climes will be wondering what I’m on about, but for the whole of this summer we have yet to enjoy what one may term ‘a summer’s day.’ At the car boot sale a fortnight ago it was like November (see picture below of a frozen Michelle on 22^nd June!) So this morning is special, “Hello Summer! What took you so long…”
I know I should be writing,
A verse for you all to enjoy,
But the weather outside is glorious,
hardly seen since I was a boy!

I hear the mower calling,
The barbecue is shouting too,
Can’t remember if there’s charcoal,
I suppose that wood would do!

I’ll have to find the garden chairs,
and cushions to prevent a numb-er,
If you’re passing do drop by,
And share our day of summer!

Here’s wishing you and yours a great weekend, may the sunshine continue (and Happy Birthday to friend Blair who is joining us for a barbecue later…. now where did I put those chairs!)

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Fluorescent Fred and his One Man Shed!

Posted on July 4, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There are road works on the A11, Norwich Road, near Thetford. At last someone has seen sense and decided to upgrade the nightmare-road of my childhood holidays! We all love the golden beaches of North Norfolk and the waterways of the Broads, but getting there has always involved holiday-journey-traffic-jam hell! The journey through Thetford Forest was also a perfect excuse to frighten younger siblings with tales of ghouls and goblins, earning a much-contested but well-deserved slap from the front seat! All this, along with driver’s angst, will soon be a distant memory when the road works are completed and the banksman ‘Fluorescent Fred’ has moved on to works anew…

Tango’d up to the nines in fluorescent,
Brighter plumage than a cock-pheasant!
Fred guides trucks and diggers across the road,
Making sure they don’t spill their load!
His one-man shed is dry and shady,
To the heavy plant, he’s a lollipop lady!

Dedicated to all banksmen, the unsung heroes of roadworks, whose vital work goes largely unnoticed by passing motorists. And of course to ‘Fred’ in his unique one-man-shed on the A11 at Elveden near Thetford. If you’re passing, give him a wave or a toot, and show him the love!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Wax On Wax Off!

Posted on July 3, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was busy waxing the car yesterday when a neighbour stopped to enquire about my health. He asked if the tablets I was prescribed were strong enough and had I thought about taking double-dose? Confused, I explained that I didn’t need to take any medication. Before he left he suggested ‘that is a matter of opinion’ as apparently he’d never seen me wax the car before, I have no idea what he meant…

“Wax on, Wax off.”
Was the memorable quote,
from the eighties film,
The Karate Kid.
Where the master says
To his pupil:
“Wax on, Wax off!
Wax on right hand,
Wax off Left hand,
Breathe in through mouth,
Out through nose,
Don’t forget to breathe
Very important.”

Now I am much older,
It’s wax on, both hands,
Take a break!
Wax off, both hands,
Take a break!
Thankfully I’ve still,
Not forgotten to breathe,
Yet!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Chinese Burns!

Posted on July 2, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a great fear amongst farmers at this time of year, of a fire that sets crops alight and cannot be easily extinguished. I have attended enough field fires in my time to know that the arrival of the fire brigade is sometimes not the end of the flames as forest fires show. I remember driving into a burning field and ploughing a wide firebreak through the smoke. On exiting the dense smoke I caught sight of a fireman leaping out of the way to avoid the tractor and plough. Luckily the fire was extinguished by the plough and crops were saved. That was from a bearing on a baling machine overheating. These days it is more likely to be caused by the letting off of a Chinese Lantern by a wedding party. As a founder of the Killjoy Party (farm division) I’d like to see them banned for use over land…

There’s a big fire up in Smethwick,
Chinese Lanterns are to blame,
One was seen on cctv,
Before a burst of flame.
100,000 tonnes of plastic,
Flames seen for miles around,
Bride and grooms celebration,
Cost £6m pound!

My crops are starting to ripen,
I can’t afford the loss,
So please curtail these bloody lanterns,
Or I’ll get mighty cross!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Aprollocks in June!

Posted on July 1, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was looking through Great-Grandfather Bard’s diary and came across an entry for 31^st May 1878. ‘Rayne and hayle all day, Father used to singe at this time of yeare’:

‘In merrye olde England in Maye
My Trussock would sing every daye
“one brantag while scrollocking in June,
means aprollock wone be ‘ere too soon”’

Translation:
Trussock: Young servant girl, occasionally used to mean young goat or gerbil.
Brantag: A sittingroom fire lit in the early afternoon sometimes used to suggest a cold afternoon.
Scrollocking: The sound of hail on the cattle yard roof.
Apollock: A perfect hay-making day, warm sun with a slight breeze that dries the hay quickly.

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: July 2013

The Art Installation!

The Big Yellow Man with Sore Shoulders!

A Perfect Summer’s Morn!

Fluorescent Fred and his One Man Shed!

Wax On Wax Off!

Chinese Burns!

Aprollocks in June!