Plenty of Wind (and Turbines!)

Posted on September 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I recently visited the North Wales coast. As we were being pushed along the promenade at Colwyn Bay in our bath chairs, Mrs Bard leaned over to me: “Hector?” (for that is genuinely my name), “What are those tall white things on the horizon? Why are they there? Do boats run into them?” I adjusted my monocle and could faintly see a windmill. As my eyes adjusted to the glare from the sea I realised I was looking at Nimby Hell. There seemed to be hundreds of turbines, as far as my poor eyes could see. I searched hurriedly, for an answer. “Those, my dear, are wind generators, they generate wind to cool the resort!” She must have liked my answer as she looked up to the sky and made the tutting sound I hear so often these days…

A short-sighted old salt called Joe,
Out to sea in his coaster did go.
He missed the pier,
Which from fog did appear,
But gave a turbine,
A glancing blow!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Zen and the Simple Theory of Tractor Maintenance!

Posted on September 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago a fitter for a local tractor dealer explained his ‘Simple Theory of Tractor Maintenance’: “Tractors only break down,” he said, “when you use them. If you are concerned about breakdowns, leave them in the shed.” Yesterday our trusty JCB Fastrac was feeling under the weather…

Oh dear me!
What can we do,
The tractor’s broken,
And we’re all blue!
It started when,
John went to plough,
The computer’s sick,
We don’t know how!
It started to flash,
A sequence of twenty,
Trouble we thought,
We’ve got a-plenty!
So on the phone,
To the local dealer,
Who we always call,
‘Our Faith Healer!’
We tried to describe,
What was wrong,
Our attempts to explain,
Agony prolong!
But then they came,
Of course they knew,
Replaced a part,
Happiness anew!
Worried about breakdowns?
Listen to Fred,
Simple answer,
Don’t leave the shed!

Oliver Landpower are our tractor gurus.
Find ‘Big Boys Toys’ aplenty at http://www.atoliver.co.uk/landpower/

A Farmer Went to an Art Gallery!

Posted on September 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday Mrs Bard took me to an art gallery. Now before you get the wrong idea and make a joke that begins: ‘A farmer went into an art gallery’, I have to point out that this was no ordinary gallery. In fact so far removed from the very notion of what springs to mind with the phrase, that it was like visiting a friend’s country house where the artwork on the wall just happens to be for sale. Oh and they serve an absolutely wicked coffee cake in their fantastic coffee shop…

A farmer went into an art gallery
It sounds just like a joke
But some sons of the soil
Appreciate pastel and oil
Unlike Neanderthal Bloke

A farmer went into an art gallery
He’d been promised coffee cake!
What he found there
Was beyond compare
A first class gold-star bake

A farmer left an art gallery
Bought a painting from there to take
Where it will go
He doesn’t know
But it’ll remind him of coffee cake!
If you are in North Wales and want either the best coffee cake money can buy or view/buy some of the most wonderful art in majestic surroundings, I urge you to visit Ffin Y Parc (see www.welshart.net or put LL26 0PT into your trusty sat-nav).

Stage Coach!

Posted on September 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I watched a gaggle of elderly ladies board a coach. I was expecting a quiet and genteel scene befitting of their advancing years. However when I considered the scene my thoughts went from almost pity to admiration. Here was a group leading the fight against the inevitable wing-backed chair in front of the over-loud television. They were seeing things, doing things and providing a vanguard for the future us…

Ethel along with her sister Flo,
Board a coach and off they go!
Today ‘Castles and Mountains’ it may be,
Tomorrow across the Irish sea!
They always try to book with Stan,
Because they say, “He’s such a nice man!”
When they arrive at the latest attraction,
It comforting to have the same reaction!
“Be back in an hour,” Stan will agree,
There’s time for the gift shop, time for tea.
When full of youth it was a treat,
To rush with your friends to bag the back seat!
Now in ‘Golden Years’, their pace is slow,
Right up front they like to go!
Out come the needles and with a tit, tit, tit,
Aged fingers on auto-knit!
Grand-nephews and nieces with silent oaths,
Unwrap with horror coach-made clothes!

One day soon they’ll be tied to a chair,
There’ll be no time to sit and stare,
They’ll spend their days and entertain,
With stories from the road again!
So neither sad nor sorry be,
The coach keeps them mobile and full of tea!

Hot Spots Before the Cereal Bowl!

Posted on September 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

At this time of year it’s not just about getting the new crop in the ground. We have to keep an eye on the storage of the crop we harvested last month. Some of the wheat has left the farm and is probably well on it’s way towards your cereal bowl. The remainder is in a large heap on the floor of the barn…

I climbed the heap yesterday morning,
And sat upon the top,
Wiped the sweat from my brow,
Could have used a mop!

Then with a curdling scream,
(milked it for all it’s worth!)
I plunged the spear into the heap,
Went easier than in earth!
I pressed some buttons on the front,
The machine with a flashing light,
It gave me moisture and temperature,
Confirmed the wheat was alright!

But there was a different patch,
Where the temperature was quite hot,
So in went a fan driven sucky-thing!
To remove the bad warm spot!
I left it sucking for half a day,
And when I at last returned,
The temperature of the spot was down,
Another lesson learned!

So if your breakfast cereal,
Seems a little hard,
It’s not my fault, I’m telling you,
Didn’t come from my farm yard!

At the Pumps!

Posted on September 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

At this busy time of year on the farm it’s vital that the diesel tank is full. When time is of the essence, a thirsty tractor arriving at the diesel tank only to find it empty is a disaster. However like most things that you see every day, the tank blends into the bakground and sometimes becomes invisible! The fuel companies that we use are well used to tardy farmers and shuffle deliveries around when needed, however on this occasion, wet weather and a lull in cultivations meant that I judged it just about right…

Very early yesterday morning,
There’s a lorry in the yard,
Making a most important delivery,
Without fuel our job would be marred.
In the most briefest period,
Four thousand litres in the tank,
Enough I hope to finish the land-work,
(Pay the bill, money from the bank!)
So when you’re next at the service station,
50 litres you’ve just pumped,
Thank heaven’s you don’t drive a tractor,
with 400 litres you’d be stumped!

Isn’t it strange? 530 blogs in 19 months with not a single mention of a tanker lorry and then two stories about tankers (one collecting, one delivering) back to back! (see yesterdays for Rural Overflows!) Many thanks to all at Watson’s and North Herts Farmers for keeping us in the furrow!

Rural Overflows!

Posted on September 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There are many advantages of living in the countryside. Naturally there are also disadvantages that the estate agents never mention. Perhaps the greatest of these can be found hiding at the bottom of many rural gardens and it’s not a fairy! Many country dwellers can only dream of the convenience and ease of that Utopian delight that urban dwellers take for granted, mains drainage…

There’s something growling at the bottom of the garden,
It’s oozing some horrific sludge,
The draining rods have failed to clear it,
The smelly unmentionables refuse to budge!

But I know some modern-day warriors,
Their blue tanker-chariot leads the fight,
Even though it’s now raining,
They will put the situation right!

“Honeywagon to the rescue!”
Lead the charge with extended hose!
Advancing with some powerful sucking,
All the effluent suddenly goes!

So if you live in an urban jungle,
You’ll never meet these noble men,
Who rescue countryfolk from ex-stink-tion,
Then with a flush they’re gone again!

With greatest of thanks to the Honeywagon Company for their tireless battle on our behalf against the overflow! The Honeywagon Company can be found at http://www.honeywagon.co.uk

The Local ATM gets the Botox Treatment!

Posted on September 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I visited the foyer of my bank yesterday morning to take out some cash. Facing me was a new machine that had lights, a large screen and an evil stare. I looked around to check that the coast was clear (50 miles away the coast at Southend was bathed in bright sunshine!) and advanced towards the alien-being brandishing my card. Half expecting the late Jeremy Beadle to spring out at me, I pushed my card into the little green mouth. It worked just like the old one! Cash received I turned, looked the security camera and gave its cycloptic eye my best ‘devil-may-care mk1’ shrug. Piece of cake…

There’s a new ATM at the bank,
It’s one of the latest kind,
It has wing-mirrors,
so when it delivers,
You can see who’s lurking behind!

What will it do in the future?
Will it also check our weight?
You’ve gained a pound,
put it on all round,
Your life insurance invalidate!

And when you do your shopping,
Don’t think that you can cheat!
The machine hits back,
you can’t buy crap,
It monitors what you can eat!

So when you next visit the ATM,
Smile and compliments pay,
Because you don’t know,
how far it’ll go,
And get you in trouble some day!

Our Very Own Aga Saga!

Posted on September 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many farmhouses here in the UK have an AGA range. Not only can they cook food, boil water and heat the house but they can also resuscitate lambs, dry wet clothes and warm tired aching feet! They come in either two oven or four oven models. Like anything, they are wonderful when going well. However, despite their simplicity, they need annual servicing and an expert if they fail. We have such a person, Duncan, and he rescues us when the 40-year-old AGA has problems…

The Aga sits contented,
Ours is coloured blue,
The kettle is on standby,
Cup of tea for you?
It comes complete with terrier,
(Not on the spare parts list),
When the Aga’s not alight,
It is sorely missed!

But what is this – it’s stone cold?
The dogs at once complain.
Where can I dry my soaking coat,
When in from pouring rain!
Rush to the phone – emergency,
Duncan can you come?
The Aga’s lost all it’s heat,
The dogs are looking glum!

Coming down the drive,
The sight of Duncan’s van,
Kitchen-range recovery,
Can he fix it? Yes he can!
He pokes, scrapes and prods,
The burner into life,
And all at once it’s better,
Again he’s saved our life!
Duncan Newton is an independant Aga expert covering Herts, Beds, Bucks, Essex and Cambs and can be reached at Newton Aga Services newtonagaservices@sky.com or 07971 064 282

Pirates Ahoy! Shiver Me Timbers Crackle Me Toes!

Posted on September 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A confused trainee-pirate at the car boot sale with a carrot on her shoulder!

Anyone talking to me today will possibly be confused (particularly if they are from a call centre attempting to sell me anything apart from a pistol or a gangplank!) Every year on this day millions of people around the world celebrate those fun-loving rogues of the sea…

It’s International Talk Like a Pirate Day,
Just when you thought it was safe to play,
Everyone around you says, “ooh-aaaaah!”
Whether they’re in the street or you’re in your car!

“Shiver me timbers!” They all shout,
While putting the Admiralty soldiers to rout!
‘Walk the plank’ doesn’t sound so good,
When said at Tesco’s in Boreham Wood.

I’ve searched for treasure on the map,
Didn’t half look silly at Watford Gap!
I was looking for a chest-type thing,
The only treasure I found was in Burger King!

I went to the cafeteria in search of victuals,
Apparently my sword broke all the rules!
“That’s a hornpipe in your pocket?” cashier to me,
“Or you’re just extremely pleased to see!

If your morning starts with real dense fog,
“Aaaah! Last night! – Too much grog!
So “Ahoy me beauty!” you must say,
For today’s ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day’!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Monthly Archives: September 2013