The Waiting Game – An Occupational Hazard!

Posted on September 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Someone has pressed the pause button and the farm is silent. We ought to be out drilling wheat but every time it looks like we can get onto the fields, it starts to rain again! Farmer’s are used to this, it’s called ‘Sods Law’ otherwise known as ‘if you can’t stand the disappointment, get out of the field!’…

We’ve had enough rain,
To fill the ponds,
We’ve had enough rain to last.
The tractors haven’t moved a yard,
We’re getting nowhere fast.
The seed remains
In the half-tonne bags,
Sitting in the shed.
Folk who see it sitting there
Say “that’s not a fine seedbed!”
And so we wait,
And wait some more,
To get back on the land.
And then we’ll plant,
Our winter wheat,
And all will go as planned!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Bobby Dazzler!

Posted on September 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s not often these days (certainly this far from the Capital) that you see anyone who might be termed ‘dapper’. The ability to dress up with any degree of smartness just to walk down to the town has largely disappeared. However yesterday morning while waiting at the traffic lights, I had to grab my iPhone as I knew you’d never believe what I saw. Dapper is alive, well and living in Baldock…

When driving by the station,
As commuters dash,
To the train for London,
Avoiding puddles that may splash!
I didn’t expect a bowler hat,
Those days have surely gone,
But what a scruffy bunch they are,
Daves and Janes (and Ron!)

Driving back through Baldock,
While waiting at the lights,
I had to grab my smart phone,
To put this all to rights!
There was Mister Dapper,
He even doffed his hat,
It restored my faith in characters,
They’ve not all gone to fat!

His shoes were brightly polished,
His gloves were calf-skin clean,
His overcoat hit just the note,
Was he going to meet the Queen?
Without such characters in the world,
A sadder place for all,
So here’s to Mister Dapper,
An example to us all!

The Pen-Stealing Fairies!

Posted on September 16, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Some years ago a local car dealer told me how a simple pen had sold a car. Apparently a couple had picked up a pen with his dealership details at a hotel in the Lake District. They had returned from holiday to their home in Scotland. The following year they called in to his showroom on their way to a holiday in France and bought a car (which they collected on the way home). Armed with an example of the power of pen-vertising, I followed his example…

Those naughty pen-stealing fairies,
Have gone and struck again,
I can’t find a single one,
With which to sign my name!

I once bought a thousand,
Embossed for the car boot sale,
I thought my cunning plan,
Would never ever fail!

I gave them to the sellers,
I gave one to the vet,
Hoping it was unlikely,
The sales they should forget!

I discovered recently,
I’m really quite bereft,
That after all this time,
I have only one pen left!

Where the fairies hide them,
I only wish I knew,
But while they’re hiding mine,
They’re not bothering you!

Apologising for Weather!

Posted on September 14, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Last night I popped down to Baldock to see the damage the heavy rain had caused at the boot sale field. In the dark there was a sizeable lake by the entrance. I continued on to the town and consoled myself with a takeaway! The streets looked as if they’d been paved with marble… very wet marble! This morning it’s up at the crack of a very wet dawn to console customers who arrive at the gates in the rain and discover an abandoned boat sale!…

It’s raining cats and dogs,
And little bright green frogs,
Why can’t it rain mid-week,
Less havoc could it wreak!

It’s been raining all night long,
That’s typical and so wrong,
I’ll be termed a fail,
That there’ll be no boot sale!

The ducks and geese are happy,
Their feet go flippy-flappy!
All across the ground,
There are new ponds to be found!

So I am off in the dark,
By the car boot gates to park,
And spend the next two hours,
Apologising for showers!

New Neville, The Trainee Estate Agent!

Posted on September 13, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

According to reports in the media, as many as 77,000 new estate agents emerged out of their moulds last year. Some are asking whether this is a sign of the noughty-teens when estate agencies claim the high street from the charity shops. Others are asking if this is the beginning of boom times for purveyors of fine clothing (cheap suits for starter homes, tweed for country properties!). So watch out, an army of Kevins is bearing down on a High Street near you…

Neville is an estate agent,
Mummy is impressed,
He leaves home at 8am,
She makes sure that he’s well dressed!

He meets a couple at a maisonette,
“Ideal first family home,”
The rooms are really quite compact,
No room to swing a gnome!

His next couple view a semi-detached,
With excellent transport links,
Dissection due by the HS2,
“They won’t like that,” he thinks!

After lunch it’s a ‘garden flat’,
Round the corner from the park,
He tries to boast, “it’s as warm as toast!”
When really it’s damp and dark!

The final viewing of the day,
‘A property with real scope’
(it’s derelict, rats to evict),
“Quick or you’ll miss the boat!”

And so it’s home to Mummy,
‘A much sought-after location!’
She’s ‘conveniently located’ with supper plated,
She’s even cooked him bacon!

Thank heavens for estate agents!
While people are poking fun at them, farmers are in the clear!

The Cold Calling Computer Helpline!

Posted on September 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

According to a phone call from abroad yesterday, I am desperately in need of help with my windows. Now I assume the caller, who called herself ‘Jorranna’, wasn’t actually interested in double glazing issues or my ancient sashes. She was however very keen to talk to me about a problem I was apparently experiencing with Microsoft’s finest (or at least that’s how I translated her request). Eager to hear what my problems were, I listened intently…

Jorranna called yesterday,
she said she wanted to talk,
“Were my Rindows causing me problems?”
(she was certainly not from Dundalk!)

I asked her name once again,
“Jorranna” she eventually replied,
I asked her if she was local,
“rocal to rare?” she reluctantly sighed!

“Rot do you do ren Rindows wrong?”
I said “give computer a smack!”
She said “I solve all your probrems,”
(She’d be clever ‘cos I drive a Mac!)

I then asked if she minded waiting,
while I re-booted the machine causing strife,
I returned to the phone sometime later,
Jorranna had gone from my life!

If you get a call from Jorranna, please tell her the Bard is waiting for her to ring back as his windows are causing problems and need a thorough cleaning!

Come Dine With Gordana!

Posted on September 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the years, the car boot sale has attracted all sorts of visitors. It has seen its fair share of artists. They can be found either looking for inspiration from the beautiful gently rolling hills or choosing materials from the array of different stalls. One such artist is Gordana from Stevenage…

Gordana’s an artist you see,
Been a regular since ’93.
She’s sunflower mad,
That can’t be all bad,
Sounds perfectly fine to me!

She lives beside the A1,
In the ‘Sunflower House’, what fun!
Tonight famous she’ll be,
On ‘Come Dine With Me!’
Will she win the large tray’d cash sum?

Watch Gordana on Channel Four’s Come Dine With Me, this evening, September 11^th at 5pm.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

A Dirty Start to the Week!

Posted on September 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I wonder if your job has a side that you dread at a certain time of the day or week? Perhaps you dread that ‘urgent’ e-mail on a Friday afternoon just as you’re about to slide off home for the weekend? Or perhaps the sudden sales trip that’s announced just before your child’s appearance in the school play or sports event? Here on the farm it is a dusty job right at the beginning of the day. Yesterday John and I were shovelling the last of the beans from a bin at 7am…

Two dishevelled creatures,
From the barn alight,
With de-shovelled stature,
First-thing Monday isn’t right!
The noise has been alarming,
The dust atrocious too,
They’re dripping sweat from every pore,
Hair-style comes from Peru!
But they are a-grinning,
There must be something wrong?
Broad smiles cross their faces,
All the beans are gone!

Two Very Different Displays!

Posted on September 9, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Sellers at the boot sale have many different styles of display. Some ‘Chuck-it and Luck-it’ and others take so much time over an immaculate display that you wonder if they’ll get it done before the end of the sale! This week we had two great examples, both successful in their own way. I’ll leave it up to you to choose…

They’re as keen as mustard at the boot sale,
Someone’s turned up with a truck,
Buyers all over him like house-flies,
He just can’t believe all his luck!
“How much is this?” they’re all shouting,
“What do you want for that?”
I enquire if he wants some assistance,
He shrugs and continues to chat!
Over in the corner a couple,
Have erected a screen for the wind,
They’re carefully placing possessions,
When hurry is suggested they grinned!
A crowd gathered by to watch them,
There was even a space for a broom!
When they finished the crowd applauded,
On the field they’d created a room!

We Have Bean Away!

Posted on September 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

In most years we store nearly all the crops in the barn until the co-operative (Fengrain) has sold them. This year everything seems to be topsy-turvy! We seemed to have harvested all the crops in the wrong order and now we are loading beans which is normally a winter job! The lorry driver commented, “last year when I collected beans it was -10 degrees, this year it’s touching +30!”…

Out of the bin,
roll the beans,
rattle into the conveyor.
Then along towards,
the elevator,
in a rolling bean-filled layer!
Up they rise,
to the top,
of the shed until the spout!
Where all at once,
gravity takes hold,
and with a fairground-rush they’re out!
Down into the truck,
with a mighty roar,
that deafens all who’re near.
Until the siren,
screams “LORRY FULL,
that’s thirty tonnes, yer hear!”
All that’s left,
is to roll over the sheet,
to protect the valuable load.
Oh! And then the paperwork,
bloody paperwork,
and then they’re off the farm by road!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: September 2013