Just How Low Can You Go?

Posted on October 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I jumped in the car to drive the two miles to town. I’d not driven far down the road when I noticed the irritating light on the dashboard warning me of low fuel. As is normal with most cars now, Nanny had to go further and tell me how many miles I had before I came to a halt. It was less than I’d ever seen before…

The yellow light’s a-flashing,
It’s warning me to fill,
I’ve ignored its plea all week,
Now I’m feeling ill.
The pump’s another mile,
I’m pleading with the Gods!
“I won’t do this again,”
That should shorten odds!

Will I reach the pump?
Have I got my card?
Pushing this old beast by hand,
Impossible not hard.
I am getting closer,
I begin to sweat,
There are cars on the roundabout,
I’m nowhere safe, not yet!

At last I’m near the forecourt,
Waiting in a queue,
I clasp my hands in prayer,
There’s nothing else to do!
At last I’m at the pumps,
It starts to spot with rain,
It takes over seventy litres!
I’ll never do this again!
(… well, not until the next time anyway!)

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

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The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Step Away From The Bonfire (Unless you have a Derogation)!

Posted on October 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We live in changing times and have either to ‘go with the flow’ or risk alienation. I’m no fan of rules, regulation and red tape, however when a piece of legislation makes you stop and consider what you are about to do and explore alternatives, then maybe it has achieved its true purpose. Yesterday we were faced with the clear-up after the St Jude storm. We normally put fallen branches into the wood where it can rot down and become a home for bugs, beetles and other creepy-crawlies. However in this instance there was too much of the stuff and so we needed a bonfire. Official permission, in the form of derogation, has to be applied for before lighting up (along with a health and safety risk assessment)…

Yesterday morning I filled out a form,
In order to clear up after the storm.
We have to apply for a derogation,
From restrictions on burning across the nation.
I humffed in the office I must admit,
“These bloody forms, they’re all sh*t!”
But when I had considered what they are for,
My position started changing from before,
And little by little a change could be seen,
(My hands started first by turning green!)
The ubiquitous forms had made me consider,
The effect of my actions on wood, copse and river.
So having justified the reason in the end,
I felt self-righteous when I pressed ‘send’!
So now we can chain-saw to our hearts content,
Once I‘ve completed my risk assessment!

A Dog’s Life!

Posted on October 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have two terriers who make a pretty good job of ruling our lives. I would like to say they earn their keep as farm dogs, ratting and mouseing all day long, but I’d be lying. They make the most of their ‘down-time’ to such an extent that there is no longer any pretence at having any ‘up-time’ at all! When I come back to this world I want to return as a dog, that is, a dog that lives here with me…

It’s a dog’s life,
I’ve always said,
They do as they wish,
Then they hog the bed!

They get up in the morning,
Breakfast claim,
Rush off down the garden,
Less keen in the rain!

Then it’s back to the Aga,
Or sneak off up to bed,
That it’s a dog’s life,
Nothing more to be said!

The Perfect Storm!

Posted on October 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

In these ‘forecast the worst – hope for the best’ health and safety-ridden days, potential disaster is pounced upon by 24hr media and official sources! For the past few days a storm of biblical proportions has been forecast. Prime Minister Canute has held a meeting to discuss how to save the country from its effects and local authorities rush around acting out the results of thousands of hours of Disaster Planning Contingency meetings. Yet again, Nature simply reminds us who is boss…

The forecasters gave out warnings,
Preachers said we’d sinned,
We battened down the hatches,
Waiting for disastrous wind!

We spent the night in the cellar,
The dogs thought we were mad,
I finished off the sloe gin,
This morning I feel bad!

The trains have all been cancelled,
The country is locked down,
If you have a meeting,
You won’t get up to Town!

TV’s in its element,
Reporters in the dark,
Looks like they’re in peril,
They’re in a local park!

It’s ‘The Perfect Storm’,
Threatened wind and rain
The reason it was perfect,
Was less violent when it came!

Novel Nautical Navigation Accessories (socks!)

Posted on October 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I spent the weekend on a boat. In keeping with an attempt to be nautical rather than agricultural, I wore a special pair of socks that friends Susan and Alex had supplied. Immediately I discovered a problem with a novel solution…

Having grown up so far from the sea,
Certain questions have always puzzled me!
Which side is green and which is red?
And why is the Loo always called the ‘Head’?

I stood out on the front of the ship,
Looked back to see which Nav-light lit?
Green on my left, red on my right,
Then about-turn to see which sock was right!
Hopping about, one foot in the air,
I got it wrong, close to despair!
So I gave up and with clever deductions,
I did the obvious – I read the instructions!
…and finally put the right sock on the right foot (I think!)
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Agricultural Time Traveler (third class!)

Posted on October 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

How many of you remember the ‘Back to the Future’ films 1985, 1989 & 1990? How many of you wanted to hop into that DeLorean car, get the ‘Embarrassment Eraser’ out and give parts of your life a good rub? I can remember a constant phrase of my youth seemed to be “if I had only known then…” One aspect of the films that I hadn’t registered was that the date on the time machine console just happened to be my 30th birthday, October 26^th1985! Unfortunately I received no credit, but there again the only part I had played was being born on that date many years before…

If I could travel back in time,
I probably wouldn’t be writing rhyme!
I’d have grown the very best crops,
Invented combine-harvested hops!
I’m sure I’d have won an award by now,
Stood on a stage and taken a bow!
I might have passed many exams,
Had a flock of sheep, breeding rams!
I could have run ten-thousand metres,
Or competed against true world beaters!
But here I am back from the past,
My DeLorean’s rusty and no longer fast!
But one thing I discovered, it’s better to be,
Satisfied with life than un-ha-pp-y!
On my next trip back, just one more time,
I’ll get help in making my words rhyme!
If our lifetime-gearboxes had reverse,
We’d probably end up making things much worse.
So I’ll wish myself a Happy Birthday,
Since you ask… threw the keys away!

Michael J Fox (who played Marti McFly in the Back to the Future trilogy is now 52 years old and actively campaigns on behalf of those who suffer with Parkinson’s Disease following his own diagnosis in 1990.

Loo Roll Blues!

Posted on October 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been caught in a compromising position? You’ve snuck off for some private ‘me-time’ and events transpire to humiliate. The basic idea for the following comes from a friend who happened to witness his trouser-less neighbour through the French Windows (Not a pretty sight by all accounts)! The moral of the story must be: Always check before taking your seat at any performance…

I went to the smallest room in the house,
Concealed magazine, quiet as a mouse!
I sat upon the throne obliquely,
Peace and quiet with Farmers Weekly!

After a while, can’t say how long,
I began to sense something was wrong.
I swore and almost lost control
Not enough paper left on the roll!

Then I remembered some elsewhere,
With legs restricted by underwear,
I hopped like a bunny through the door,
Ended up in a heap upon the floor!

At that moment heard the phone ring,
It wouldn’t stop for anything!
I crawled like a toddler to the phone,
Right by the window to my neighbours home!

I told the call centre I was indisposed,
Didn’t dare say I had no clothes!
At the glass front door just in case,
I quickened my crawl towards the staircase!

Halfway up I entered Hell,
Down the stairs I bounced and fell.
At the bottom my wife shouted ‘What?’
She’d been to fetch loo roll from the shop!

A Tail of Three Monkeys!

Posted on October 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

My granddaughter Marsya has a monkey that is her constant companion. In order to preserve the bloodline there are also two spares! If the three monkeys ever meet they have to be forcibly separated. They tend to become vicious and attempt to discredit the other in an effort to become ‘The One!’ As they say in films, ‘It’s Complicated’…
Spare Monkey lies upon the floor,
He’s just been dropped his head is sore!
He thinks he may be on his way,
To join them all on holiday!
But we all know that won’t be,
There’s only room for one monkey!
Other Spare Monkey sits upon the chair,
Sulking because she’s not there,
He knows that she’s on holiday.
Why he was left no one will say,
So he sits with an angry face,
Because he was left out from the case!
Main Monkey sits in his rightful place,
Just an inch from Marsya’s face!
The other monkeys can go swing,
They are spares, he’s the thing!
However he tells them it’s not all fun,
“You have to work hard to be Number One!”

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am on Saturday
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

Love thy Neighbour, Hate his Bonfire!

Posted on October 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week a man I vaguely know, I shall call him Bert, had a bonfire at the bottom of his garden in a local town. He was justly proud of the leaping flames, the warm hands and the saving of fossil fuels (and thus by default the planet) by sending less weight in the dustcart. However (in his words, not mine) his sandal-wearing, environmentally aware, non-deodorant using, hairdresser-avoiding, hairy-armpitted neighbour, apparently viewed his actions slightly differently…

Neighbour Ms Brown needs to calm down,
Or she’ll self-ignite!
She’s just so upset with  scorched winceyette,
“Because it’s not right!”

She’s disturbing the peace will call the police,
Because of his fire.
He’s keeping warm while she’s in full swarm,
“Shall I add a tyre?”

She will self-immolate  she’s been very tense of late,
“Global Warming,” she cries!
His rubbish now burnt he has now learnt,
To keep smoke from his eyes!

A ‘friend of the earth’ nosey council jobs-worth,
Gives him a warning!
He’ll take no heed of official tumbleweed,
Will now burn early morning!

For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Dirty Panda goes to the Supermarket!

Posted on October 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was in a supermarket queuing for the checkouts. In front of me in the queue was a toddler and her mother. The little girl was sitting in the trolley clutching a furry panda that fell to the floor. I picked it up for her and earned a suspicious look from her mother and a snatch-back from the child. I simply shrugged my shoulders and looked the other way. What has the world come to I wondered, next time it stays on the supermarket floor…

Alice had a panda,
(She’s three!)
Her favourite toy,
Anne Me!

They went to the zoo,
Guess who went too?
Anne Me!

They went out for tea,
Guess who made three?
Anne Me!

They went to the coast,
Who liked it the most?
Anne Me!

They went to the shops,
Excitement non-stops,
Anne Me!

She fell from her hand,
Picked up by A MAN!
T’was just after three,
Now she’s dirty you see!
Silly old, dirty Anne Me!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk