The Missing Tractor!

Posted on October 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A few weeks ago I came across an old Massey-Ferguson tractor chained to a lamppost. It reminded me of foolish ways when I was young: Many years ago when I was just 15 and had just passed my tractor driving test, I ‘borrowed’ a tractor from the farm. I had a friend to stay and decided to use my newly-acquired qualification to transport us both to the local pub. Needless to sat the excursion ended badly…

“Let’s take some transport up to the pub!”
I said to my friend from town,
We can drive there via the lanes,
Much quicker than walking around.

We took the tractor from the shed,
As cool as cool can be,
Five minutes later we were sat in the pub,
The time was 7:03!

Within two hours we’d sunk some pints,
and were heading for the floor,
I said to my friend who was slurring his words
“We’ve enough time for a few more!”

On the way out we clung to the door,
So we didn’t fall outside,
We walked down the lane in a dreadful state
We’d only forgotten our ride!

We arrived at the farm covered in mud,
Our head and knees were sore,
We’d fallen in a ditch in a field,
We couldn’t drink any more!

The following day having suffered all night
At breakfast my old man said:
“I cannot believe the tractor has gone,
I’m sure I left it locked in the shed?”

I looked at my friend he’d turned white,
I remembered in a flash where it be,
So despite feeling bad I ran to the pub,
There it sat: unlocked, with the key!

The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The End of Term at the Boot Sale!

Posted on October 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

For the last twenty-one years the last Saturday of the car boot sale season has felt like the end of term at a school. Like a school we shall have leavers who we won’t see again and next ‘term’ we shall enjoy meeting new customers. In this business the main asset are the people. Someone once said to me, “you take it too personally!” Damn right I do it’s personal…

It’s the end of term at the bootsale,
One last chance to buy or to sell,
Because next week it’ll be empty,
No buyers will be here as well!

It’s the end of term at the bootsale,
The stalls will be packed away,
Boxes returned to the garage
To see daylight some other day!

It’s the end of term at the bootsale,
The field will soon be clear.
The people will all have parted,
“Goodbye! We’ll see you next year!”

It’s the end of term at the bootsale,
The animals will wonder what’s wrong,
The hares will say to each other,
“I wonder where they have all gone?”

It’s the end of term at the bootsale,
Farmer Giles closes the gate,
Next week he’ll enjoy a lie-in,
No more chance that he will be late!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am
This morning for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

Red in the Morning, Shepherd’s Warning!

Posted on October 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

This has been a year of stunning red sunsets and wet weekends! Why can’t we confine precipitation to weekday nights and have dry Saturdays and Sundays? (not to mention Bank Holidays!) Of course that would be too utopian and dissent would soon follow! A couple of mornings ago nature put on a wonderful light show. It was so spectacular I had to phone-a-shepherd to seek an explanation…

The other morning,
Out of the blue,
The sky turned red!

Suspecting an alien
invasion of Baldock,
or at the very least,
a celestial
disturbance
or simply
a manifestation
of an ancient
weathered rhyme,
I rang a shepherd,
that I happen to know.

He said
it was probably,
just a warning!

Of what,
he declined to say!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am
Tomorrow Morning
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

Sammy the Lazy Seagull!

Posted on October 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A recent report suggested that seagulls were becoming a menace in seaside resorts. It would seem that they are no longer sea-faring folk but have opted for an easier life. Strange how nature sometimes mirrors our own behaviour…

Sammy Seagull’s father used to say:
“Follow the trawler every day,
That’s how you get the freshest fish,
To make an amazing dinner dish!”

Sammy however was a lazy sod,
Couldn’t be bothered to fly for cod,
He just waited at the edge of town,
Where tourist coaches turned around!

While pensioners went to the takeaway,
He’d sit by the benches then ‘Whey-hey!’
Chips with cod coated in batter,
No trawler around didn’t matter!

Autumn arrives where’s Sammy now?
Flown inland to follow the plough!
The farmer ploughs and the furrow turns,
Exposing thousands of wriggly worms!

In cold bleak winter, frozen pip,
Sammy lives by the landfill tip,
On the hour to feed the brood,
The dustcart brings yet more food!

Sammy’s the fattest gull around,
He’s almost too large to leave the ground!
Meanwhile his father, knackered and thin,
Waits at the harbour for his boat to come in!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am on Saturday
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

The Nighttime Duvet Poacher!

Posted on October 16, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

By mistake last night I left the stair door open. Early this morning I was made fully aware of the folly of my ways in the cruellest way possible. The Duvet Poacher had arrived…

It’s four in the morning,
My brain has a warning,
My feet are like blocks of ice!
The duvet is gone,
I’m shivering on,
The top of the mattress – not nice!

I feel in the dark,
come across something sharp,
Teeth and a body all snug!
Wrapped up in the duvet,
Like a sausage roll trouvé,
I’m thrilled she’s as warm as a bug!

I try to get clothing,
A battle foreboding,
She growls as I pull on her nest!
Tomorrow night,
By the Aga alight,
On a dog bed I’m determined to rest!

…Let’s see how she likes that!

Trimming the Ears on the Topiary Donkey!

Posted on October 15, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a demanding piece of topiary in the farmhouse garden that is supposed to be a man on a donkey wearing a Russian-type fur hat! It is a nightmare to clip. One wrong thrust with the shears, and six generations of careful grooming (and slipshod un-artistic clipping by the seventh – me!), goes down the pan! I fear it is beginning to look like a large Siberian riding Mickey Mouse (however it is open to artistic interpretation)…
The donkey goes:
“Clip Clop,
Clip Clop,
Clip Clop!”
The shears go:
“Clip Clip,
Clip Clip,
Clip Clip – Damn!”

It’s topiary time in the garden,
Time for a pre-winter trim,
I’m being careful with the big ears,
Not hacking away on a whim!
Why has the man a fur hat?
Was it so cold years ago?
It must have been different to nowadays,
That’s Global Warming for you don’t you know!
I clip and stand back from my subject,
The ears are looking quite strange,
One wrong clip and they’ll just be compost,
Looks like a spot of the mange!
I feel many eyes a-watching,
They’ve come from the churchyard to see,
Grand-dad is leaning on his crutches,
Laughing to bust over me!
My mother, Lord bless her, is frowning,
She wants to grab hold of the shears,
Her ghostly hands just run through them,
Whoops! There goes a piece of the ears!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am on Saturday
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

The Stressful Life of a Goose!

Posted on October 14, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was reading an article about stress. It would seem that the more that technology ‘helps’ us cope with life, the more stressed we get. I have to admit, I was a little stressed this morning. As usual I had no idea what I was going to write here, until I went to feed the geese. Problem solved…

Our thirteen geese,
Have never been to Greece!
They’ve never been away for the night!

They don’t know about the Euro,
The Dollar or the Pound,
They just look for food,
Hidden on the ground!

Their life is simple,
Don’t worry ‘bout a pimple!
It doesn’t keep them tossing all night long!

They don’t know about computers,
Mortgages or stocks,
Their only concern,
Is a mean hungry fox!
(and they think that thirteen is a lucky number!)

Goosey Thoughts on a Wet Saturday Morning!

Posted on October 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I’ve been sitting in my car in the darkness of an early and wet Saturday morning on the side of a main road. Due to heavy rain I’ve had to cancel the car boot sale and I’m sitting here in the early morning light turning eager customers away! Every so often a large truck speeds past sending a tsunami of water over the car. So far I’ve turned seven customers away. I wish I were a goose…

I wish I were a goose,
Floating down the river,
Thinking lots of goosey thoughts,
Through the water sliver.
I wouldn’t care if it’s raining,
Wouldn’t need a hat or coat!
I enjoy all sorts of food,
But salad floats my boat!
If I were a goose,
I’d be elsewhere today,
But the way my luck is going,
I’d end up as pâté!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Bunce the Cat and the Temporary Feeder!

Posted on October 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

My daughter and family are on holiday and I have been left in charge! My major responsibility is the care of their cat, Bunce. Thank heavens he can’t report back as I’d be in trouble. However he voices his disappointment just by glancing at me. I know when I’m in trouble and this time it’s deep…

I’m looking after Bunce the cat,
I’m not sure what he thinks of that,
He’s always home at feeding time,
If I am late I’ve committed a crime!
He goes to ‘work’ every day,
When lesser cats just want to play.
He patrols the farm grain store,
Mice aren’t seen there anymore!
But when the tin is opened at night,
He purrs so loudly, all is right!
Then with stealth he’s through your feet,
And hides in a bedroom for a good nights sleep!

‘Bunce’ is named after the makers of our snowplough as he was rescued in a blizzard from a house where he was unloved and un-cared for. At some point he had an altercation with a car and so has a rather strange look about him. However he is now full of purrs and leading a very contented life (except when under the jurisdiction of the ‘Temporary Feeder’).

The Understandable Misunderstanding!

Posted on October 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week I had to carry out an important task after a field had been sown with wheat. I had to mark out a footpath. Until the wheat breaks the surface we do this on the bare earth by driving across the field so the wheel-marks denote the footpath. Unfortunately to casual observers this can create an understandable misunderstanding…

A concerned friend was on the phone:
“Are you anywhere near your home?”
When I said ‘no’ he did yield:
“There’s a 4×4 driving on your field!
Now it’s stopped by the track,
I wonder if it is going back?”
I said ‘thanks, I will go and see,’
Didn’t let on that it was me!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: October 2013