The Offensive Weapon! (nearly armed and dangerous in Stevenage!)

Posted on November 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was shopping with Mrs Bard in a supermarket in Stevenage Old Town. When we reached the checkout there was a problem with one of our purchases. The till suggested that it had been removed from sale. An embarrassed supervisor finally explained that she was extremely sorry to inform us that we were unable to buy… a corkscrew.

The armed police have been called,
To an incident in the town,
A man is threatening to open,
A bottle and pass it round!

“Please take up positions,
On rooftops, in doorways,
He is armed with a corkscrew,
And dangerous in many ways!”

The negotiator is arriving,
Be here in a short time,
We expect a successful outcome,
He’s bought a spare bottle of wine!

While poking fun at regulations and our ridiculous ‘Elf and safety’ rules, this is not ridiculing, in any way, the wonderful and helpful staff at Waitrose in Stevenage. They deserve praise for their composure in the face of such stupidity.

Mr Blair Drummond (Chairman of the Corkscrew Safety Council) wrote in reply to this posting:
“You evidently need to apply for a CSC (Corn Screw Certificate), rather like a FAC (Fire Arms Certificate). You will need to have no criminal record; be judged mentally stable; be a member of a Home Office-approved corkscrew club; have undergone a minimum probationary period under supervision to ensure you are competent to handle a corkscrew, are proven to be safe when so doing, and know which is the dangerous end; keep up-to-date records of your corkscrew usage so that police can verify you are using it; and have a suitable BS-approved secure facility for storing your corkscrew(s) that has passed police inspection. Your training will teach you that you never carry a loaded corkscrew unless you are at / in a approved corkscrewing location, and if it is loaded, it is pointing in a safe direction. NEVER EVER point a corkscrew at any person unless you plan to pour them a glass. ALWAYS check that the corkscrew is unloaded (don’t take someone’s word for it) before loading. REMEMBER that a corkscrew is not suitable for screwtops.”

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Superb Passenger Assistance! (this way to the trains!)

Posted on November 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I recently took my father to Paddington Station to catch a train to the West Country. Parking in London these days is impossible and if found, requires you to take on a debt equal to that of a medium-sized dictatorship. Train operators, Great Western, have a wonderful system where you can park, drop off your elderly relative and they are taken direct to the train, at no extra cost, on a buggy (only if they have a ticket and are going to travel, it’s not No-Charge Daddy-Daycare)…

Beep-Beep-Beep
Goes the electric car,
As it trundles its way,
Towards a platform afar.

Old Mrs Jones,
is off to Swansea,
Can’t walk far,
She has a dodgy knee!

The driver has put,
Her cases aboard,
Provides chauffeur service
Old folk can afford!

My old man,
He’s off to Devon,
He’s not complaining,
Thinks it’s passenger heaven!

The Baldock Bard Award is for companies or organisations that ‘we love to hate’, and is awarded to them when they surprise with service beyond the realms of expectation!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Multi-Storey Misery!

Posted on November 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I hate multi-storey car parks. While I understand the point of a concrete stacking system, it is the physical problems that have to be overcome in their use that irritates me. Perhaps it’s simply down to the fact that I seem to always be the one to drop passengers at the entrance only to be frowned upon when I join them later than expected…

Up and up and up I go,
Looking for a space,
What are all these cars doing here?
It’s really a disgrace!

The corners are too tight,
I fear I’ll scrape a wing,
I’m now so high I’m in the sky,
Can see fifty miles to Tring!

At last I spy a space,
And rush before it’s taken,
But the traffic flow says NO GO!
And I feel my anger quaken!

At last many spaces,
Not a single car in sight,
It’s raining on the rooftop,
I guess it serves me right!

“What ever took you so long?”
They ask when I’m back to earth,
“The lift never came I stood in the rain!”
They just double up with mirth

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Encompass Ride to My Rescue! (Never fear the cavalry’s here!)

Posted on November 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

In life there are times to compromise and there are times to bite the bullet. It is a well-known fact that over 75% of creative people use, or would like to use, an Apple product of some description. This small offering has been conceived on an iPhone and then birthed on a MacBook Pro. However when misfortune strikes a Mac you have to look further than your neighbour’s spotty teenage son. Often you’ll find he has not enough knowledge to be useful, but just enough to destroy a PC! I am very lucky to have a group of Macxperts just two miles away…

I had a little MacBook,
Nothing would compare,
But a silver iMac,
Or a MacBook Air!

I used it for the boot sales,
I used it for the farm,
I used it for this daily blog
Was just like my right arm!

One day it was working,
The next day it was not,
It had fallen on the floor,
Didn’t survive the four foot drop!

The next door neighbour’s son,
Wouldn’t be going to touch it,
He’d had a go at their PC,
And dropped them in the sh*t!

So I went along to Encompass,
Macxperts, you know,
They configured me a new machine,
Now I find I’m systems ‘Go!’

Encompass can be found at http://encompassuk.com
or at Unit 1, Weston Barns, Weston, Herts, SG4 7AX
Take it from me, they’re great at all things Mac and more!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

It is My Dog’s Fault! (I’m so tired!)

Posted on November 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I sat in front of Mrs Bard’s computer this morning and my mind went blank. It was a horrible sensation, almost like being weightless (I think!). I couldn’t find anything even mildly inspiring to put onto the blank page so I just let my fingers run and hoped for the best…

I’ve no idea what to say,
I have a blank page here today!
Original ideas I had no end,
My mind’s now blank, none to send!
I look through all I’ve done before,
Like used confetti on the floor.
I search for a picture that is right,
Find one of my dog I took last night!
I was trying at last to get into bed,
When all at once I spied a head,
He looked at me big brown eyes,
“I’m tired too, please sympathise!”
I ended up with knees on my chest,
My sleep last night not the best.
But at least I’m out of this tight hole,
And have a page of hyperbole!
All that’s left is for me to say,
Enjoy yourself and have a good day!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

History Replanted!

Posted on November 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

This weekend saw the 50th anniversary of the assassination of President John F Kennedy. Of particular note was the minute by minute following of the action by BBC Radio 2. However some places seemed to have scrubbed history some time ago…

Where was I when JFK was shot?
I really cannot remember,
All I know from those years ago,
I was eight and it was November!

They dedicated a garden,
In the centre of Letchworth town,
A change of mind at Millenium,
Saw the garden turn all brown!

So now it’s Millenium Garden,
Replaced the Kennedy name,
It’s not bad, just rather sad,
The town’s just not the same.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Fish on a Friday!

Posted on November 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We live in stressful times. We all suffer from stress of some sort or another, but we hide it well. Sometimes when stress takes its ultimate path, people are heard to say: “He/she seemed always to be so calm, unconcerned and in control.” I have discovered the answer, Fish on a Friday…

I park the car and ignore the pay and display!
I walk along the river bank with everything I’ll need.
I discover a nicely mown patch of grass underneath a tree that is warm and sunny.
This is Fish on a Friday!

First things first, means unfurling the large umbrella and assembling the very comfy chair!
Then assemble the ultra-light carbon-fibre rod along with reel, line and extra-large float.
But no hook! (We don’t want to catch anything)
I immerse the keep net into the water to chill cans of my favourite drink.
Then it’s time to cast my rod which will see the float nicely placed in the middle of the river.

It is time for the bait.
I mull over what to use first.
Shall I go for the irritating foreign call-centre voices on the phone who say “Hello! My name is Brian (when it’s obviously not!) how are you today?”
Or shall I choose MPs of all parties? These are somewhat tricky, as although they have shown willingness to be chosen, they tend to resist when it comes to the vote and have to be drop-kicked (between the legs) into the water and held under until the fish start to bite.
I chose instead to go for officials, many in fluorescent coats, carrying clipboards and using such idiot bollox-talk such as “we shall engage with our stakeholders!”
They bob up and down in the water and I throw in a couple of councillors, a traffic warden and three bankers for good measure!

Before I came out, I visited one of those ‘nail parlours‘ that seem to be springing up in every town. Instead of having the stars and stripes painted onto my talons, I had eyes painted onto my eyelids so it looks like I’m awake while dozing!
I then stretch out in the comfy chair, raise a tin to my mouth and eventually fall asleep in the warm sun.
Passers-by on the other bank point at me and say, “Lucky bastard has time to Fish on a Friday!”

Here’s hoping you have a stress-free Friday and a wonderful weekend with those you love. Happy Fishing!

The Evening Star!

Posted on November 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

As dusk fell the other evening, I went out to the car. Looking up at the darkening sky I spotted, all on its own, the Evening Star…

I wondered…

How many of you looked up to the sky and saw that star?
Not many I suppose…

Those in town, hurrying home from work.
They can’t see because of light pollution. They saw nothing.
Those out at sea, bring goods from afar on ships.
They see, but not if below having their supper!
Shepherds strolling back from the hill towards the village.
They see, but not if they are home in the bath soothing aching limbs!
Nomads riding camels across the desserts.
They see, but not if they have pitched their tents for the night!

I wasn’t in town having my supper in the bath or pitching my tent!
…I saw!

The Naked Weeping Willow!

Posted on November 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Recent high winds have changed the landscape in many places where trees have fallen. On the farm we have been mostly lucky and have suffered few losses. However it has heightened our awareness of the danger posed by some tall trees. Recently we have taken remedial action, not just to save a tall and imposing tree, but also to protect buildings and possibly life too. The willow will recover quickly as it is a very fast growing species…

If our willow had hands,
It would be covering its privates,
Like a man caught naked!

If our willow had legs,
It would be running away,
Like a man caught naked!

If our willow had hair,
Its head would be chilly,
Like a man caught naked!

If our willow had a mouth,
It would be screaming for clothes,
Like a man caught naked!

But all it does is weep,
…Like a man caught naked!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Forty-year-old Sandwiches!

Posted on November 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago I spent a school summer holiday working for an agricultural engineer called Willie Williamson, in Baldock. I’d cycle the two miles from home with special sandwiches, that my mother had made, in my duffel bag. Recently I joined a group of villagers on a working party to tidy up the churchyard. We’d been asked to bring food to share. I decided to replicate history…

I made some sandwiches,
My mother used to make,
To go in my lunchbox,
Beside a slice of cake!
She’d take some bread,
Spread on some Dairylea,
The add sliced cucumber,
Was good enough for me!
Si replicated,
This forty-year-old snack,
And at the end of the day,
There were none to take back!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: November 2013

The Offensive Weapon! (nearly armed and dangerous in Stevenage!)

Superb Passenger Assistance! (this way to the trains!)

Multi-Storey Misery!

Encompass Ride to My Rescue! (Never fear the cavalry’s here!)

It is My Dog’s Fault! (I’m so tired!)

History Replanted!

Fish on a Friday!

The Evening Star!

The Naked Weeping Willow!

Forty-year-old Sandwiches!