Alice and the Seasonal Market!

Posted on November 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I wandered through a ‘seasonal’ street market. Quite which season it represented, I wasn’t sure, but lots of townsfolk seemed to be having fun. In the midst of all this gaiety I watched a mother tussle with her young daughter over a balloon. I felt for the mother who seemed to be destined for the losing side whatever the score…

Alice went to the street fair,
Held her patient-mother’s hand,
There were lots of stalls and candy floss,
And a Salvation Army band!

It was almost too early for Christmas,
Most of the stalls were such,
But Alice wanted a helium balloon,
For her small hands to clutch!

Her mother bought her a mince pie,
And a warming drink,
But didn’t buy a helium balloon,
Which made ‘dear’ Alice think.

Another girl with a red balloon,
Got in Alice’s way,
She sneakily kicked her on the shin,
The red balloon flew away!

Alice’s mother gave in to her,
The balloon emptied her purse,
Stood horrified as away it flied,
Which just made Alice worse!

With an apology to all Alice’s who are warm, loving and caring people and nothing like the Alice portrayed here! This is a work of fiction, no animals were hurt in the production process, this is a serving suggestion only.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Chocolate and Gin! (Or how to cure Man-Flu)

Posted on November 14, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening, Mrs Bard and I were in Waitrose. Much to Mrs Bard’s annoyance, I was sniffling. She made an instant diagnosis that sent a shiver down my spine – I had ‘influenza-terrible-pour-homme’. As she stood in front of a shelf groaning under the weight of remedies she ventured to suggest, to no one in particular, “if they made a cure for Man-Flu, they’d make millions!” As quick as a flash a member of staff who was stacking shelves, offered a solution…!

If you’ve got a touch of Man-Flu,
Your nose running faster than a Mo,
Don’t bother with traditional medicine,
Elsewhere in the shop you must go!

Buy a giant bar of chocolate,
One will do to begin,
Then it’s off to the drinks display,
To grab a litre bottle of gin!

Chocolate and gin, chocolate and gin!
Until you forget which room you are in!
In the morning no more flu,
A giant hangover, has cured you!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Old Cock Pheasant!

Posted on November 14, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I opened the curtains this morning and there strolling across the lawn was a cock pheasant. He didn’t seem at all flustered at seeing me, I suppose he knew that I was unlikely to be carrying a gun while wearing pyjamas! We passed the time of day until he just wandered off, bored with human contact…

An old cock pheasant,
Once said to me,
“Life’s quite easy,
Being twenty-three!”

“I’ve had many wives,
They come and they go,
The last on was `Penelope,
Lost her in the snow!”

“Now I just stroll,
I don’t really worry,
It’s not that I’m in,
A rush or a hurry!”

“I nearly had my chips,
Met a fox in the rough,
I just said to him,
‘You’ll find me rather tough!’”

“I must be getting on,
Can’t stand and chat all day!”
And with those words,
The pheasant just strolled away!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Jolly Sailor!

Posted on November 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Each week here in the UK, 26 pubs call time and shut their doors never to reopen. In some areas they become dwellings. Occasionally the name of the new house becomes the sole legacy of its former use. Recently I drove past an abandoned pub, complete with sign swinging on rusty hinges. It was derelict and called the Jolly Sailor…

Salty Sutton was a jolly sailor,
Sailed the Seven Seas,
But the greatest achievement in his life,
Was to down a pint with ease!
One time on leave from a tanker ship,
He returned to his old town,
No one had thought to tell him,
His local had closed down.
He went that night to another pub,
“You bastards!” he did cry,
“I turned my back for just six months,
And you drank my local dry!”
He stormed off to the dockside,
By now he’d had his fill,
And signed on for the nearest ship,
Heading for Brazil.
Nobody’s ever heard,
Of Salty Sutton since,
There’s talk he shares an apartment,
With a Brazillian chap called Vince!
The pub stands quiet and empty,
Still the doors a-shut-un!
Some say it’s due to an evil curse,
Evoked by Sailor Sutton!

The Emergency Toolbox!

Posted on November 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you have an emergency toolbox? Have you checked its contents recently? Over the weekend there was a flood in the airing cupboard. I’m afraid to admit that panic set in as I hadn’t heard a Met Office flood warning, seen evidence of animal collection two-by-two or noticed less pressure in the shower. I reached for my emergency toolbox. There in the corner, next to the spanner-that-fits-nothing, the bolty-thing that came from the delivery of a washing machine years ago and the famous wallplugs-of-many-colours, sat Alex and Matt waiting patiently to help….

You’re having an emergency,
There’s water on the floor,
Don’t go around the bend,
Phone a friend,
That’s what friends are for!

We Shall Remember Them…

Posted on November 8, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I farm next to a tiny village near Baldock. During the First World War a car arrived in the village (a very rare ocurrence in those days). An army officer stood in the back and told the assembled throng of young men, “Follow me to Weston” (the next village). Four of those who followed that car from our village never returned and you can see their names on the memorial to those who have no known grave at Theipval…
On the war memorial in the tiny church at Clothall…
And in our farm’s wages book from 1914…
We Shall Remember Them

I See No Zulus Sarge!

Posted on November 8, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s the time of year when ‘Hindsight-experts’ crawl out of the woodwork to examine the past from the safety of their peacetime armchairs. Recently a shop window display caught my eye. It seemed to be straight out of the 1964 film ‘Zulu’ and cut a rather sad and lonely figure in these strange and uncertain times…

“I see no Zulus, Sarge!
Are they out beyond that ridge?
I’m stuck here in this window,
Colder than a fridge!”

“My helmet’s not for sale,
My jacket is all dusty,
The sun has baked my ruddy face,
And my bayonet’s gone rusty!”

“I’m spending all my days,
Staring at the rain,
They promised that I’d meet,
A younger Michael Caine!”

“I see no Zulus, Sarge!
And I wonder why,
Was it really worth it?
Did we have to die?”

Reinforcing Stereotypical Preconceptions!

Posted on November 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s strange that when we travel abroad we search for scenes that suit our preconceptions. Recently I had to travel abroad. I have never been behind the former Iron Curtain and so was not surprised to see a stereotypical image. This justified my preconceptions and I had to take a photo, I think it suited my purposes well…

There’s dereliction in the suburbs,
Was looking for horse and cart!
When I spied an derelict building,
Certainly not a work of art!

The translator was upset,
With my phone I took a shot,
She told me, “not representative,”
A phrase I very soon forgot.

But when I returned to my country,
It was with embarrassment I fear,
That when I looked around about me,
I found those buildings over here!

Recycling Distraction-Crime! (bovver at the bins!)

Posted on November 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I visited a recycling point with friend Tony (from the West Midlands so he knows about such things in life!). I’m well aware that I don’t get out too often, have led a sheltered life and that the joys that many townsfolk take for granted are often unavailable to us country bumpkins. Luckily Tony was able to give me worthwhile instruction on the pre-loading sorting before we started. We became so proficient that a lady joined us…

Tony and I were loading the hopper,
I was under instruction so I did it proper,
I was shown how to sort and bin it,
And how not to trap my throwing hand in it!
Along came a lady with full carrier bags,
Just as we recycled some free tourist mags,
She smiled at Tone and nodded her head,
As he recycled part of a bed!
She must have been impressed with his stacking the bin,
As she left him a bag-full to sort and put in!
He stood there too stunned for any reaction,
She’d got away with recycling distraction!

Mastering the Wind and Waves!

Posted on November 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever watched a sport where you have not the faintest idea what is happening? Last weekend I watched Jamie Drummond, a Freestyle Windsurfer, in action at a competition in Weymouth, Dorset. Despite having driven from Vassaliki, Greece, where he is based with water-sport holiday company Ocean Elements (http://www.ocean-elements.com), he gave a masterful performance in 50 knot winds to deservedly be placed first equal. I heard him use phrases like ‘Spock’ and ‘Kono’ but despite becoming an instant expert in a baffling sport, have to admit I’m none the wiser…

Jamie Drummond is riding the waves,
The wind is howling (or sick!)
He’s managed to fall numerous times,
As he performs his latest trick!
Did I just see a ‘Burner’?
Perhaps a Shaka or Loop?
His Ponch must be worth many prizes,
While he pulls off a new Betty Boop!
If I were to take to the water,
I’d sink like a drunken waiter!
So for all concerned, I have learned,
It’s best that I’m a spectator!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: November 2013

Alice and the Seasonal Market!

Chocolate and Gin! (Or how to cure Man-Flu)

The Old Cock Pheasant!

The Jolly Sailor!

The Emergency Toolbox!

We Shall Remember Them…

I See No Zulus Sarge!

Reinforcing Stereotypical Preconceptions!

Recycling Distraction-Crime! (bovver at the bins!)

Mastering the Wind and Waves!