The Rite of Passage!

Posted on December 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Back in the day, an important rite of passage was the first car. I had a second-hand Mini from Jenkins Garage in Baldock. The open road was suddenly all mine and like Toad of Toad Hall, I couldn’t wait to go ‘Poop Poop!’ These days, as with almost everything, rites of passage occur at an earlier age. My granddaughter (1yr 4months) has just taken delivery of her first car…
My granddaughter has a brand new car
It’s yellow, red and plastic,
She sits in it with monkey,
To her it’s just fantastic!

It is ecologically sound,
Doesn’t run on fuel,
No MOT or road tax,
It’s cheaper than a mule!

No congestion charge to pay,
Because of no emissions,
If PC Brock tells them to stop,
She and monkey change positions!

Wishing you all the best for 2014 and thank you for keeping me on track during 615 days of rhyming scribbles!
Hope I continue to ‘amuse-par-bouche’ in 2014
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Dangers of Fruit Punch (part two)

Posted on December 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago, in the late seventies when I was a student, the standard drink at student parties was a fruit punch. This innocent formulae generally involved tipping bottles of Hirondelle (or other uber-cheap wine), into a washing up bowl, adding a couple of segmented oranges, some orange juice and a small bottle of spirits. Central to the recipe was the hope that person’s unknown would add some alcohol or other goodies as the night wore on…

I once went to a party,
As a student some years ago,
A girl staggered up to the punch bowl,
And up, into it, she did throw!

A student approached the drinks table,
Had a beard, was talking much sh*t,
“This punch appears to be fruity,
I wonder what they put in it?”

(Part one can be found here: http://bit.ly/1cgrXKx)

The Fussy Eater (ungrateful little sod!)

Posted on December 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was recently listening to a mother who was being run ragged by her infant. She was berating the fact that he would only eat recognised brands of food. She was quite taken aback when I suggested that her son was an ungrateful little sod. My recommendation that food should be withheld until he was hungry enough to eat it, also fell on deaf ears (names have been changed!)…

I knew a child called Alfie Sands
Was allergic to eating certain brands!
Everything that came to his table
Had to come with a specific label

His poor mother spent her time
Avoiding brands that made him whine!
In an attempt to cut her bill
She bought own-brand, it made him ‘ill’

Some years later when he’d flown the nest
His shopping budget wasn’t the best
When cheaper food was procured
To his surprise he found himself cured!

What Day is it Today?

Posted on December 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Does anyone know what day of the week it is? Having Christmas festivities in midweek makes it all the more difficult to adjust the body-clock back to normal…

Christmas was like Sunday,
With a Bank Holiday Monday next,
Then I think came Tuesday,
Which made me awful vexed.
So I think yesterday was Wednesday,
Which is where I came in,
So today may be Thursday,
And I’ve already filled the bin!
Which isn’t collected ‘till Monday,
Which I think is four days away,
Or they may collect on Tuesday,
What did that notice say?
I’m back to work in the New Year,
Which I think on Wednesday may be,
But if it’s not, I’ll have forgot,
And I’ll be all at sea!

The Christmas Roll

Posted on December 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have had a houseful of friends here at Bard Towers over the Christmas period. Providing supplies for the friendly invasion has been a joint effort from all. However when it came down to ‘those seasonal extras’ there were some surprises…

A friend brought some Christmas loo-roll,
An extravagance unsurpassed,
With a household of good eaters,
We’ve got though it quite fast!
On the day after Christmas,
There was even a queue,
Some weren’t as desperate,
And said politely “after you!”
And now the holiday’s winding down,
And we are quite bereft,
Because in the smallest room,
There’s only one roll left!

Boxing Day (round two by a knockout!)

Posted on December 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I’m not sure of the modern meaning of ‘Boxing Day’. I’m not even sure of what it represents apart from as a safety cushion between the culinary and alcoholic excess of the day before and the return to reality the day after. It doesn’t really matter what it stands for as to be honest I’m still past caring…

Boxing Day is here at last,
Christmas holidays fading fast,
Wrapping paper in a cardboard box,
What’s under the tree? Kevin’s socks!
Uncle Pete is banged to rights,
Down in Surrey he’s got no lights!
No cold turkey, sprouts or spuds,
He’s surrounded by fast-flowing floods
Uncle Alex after a long walk (bracing),
Snores in front of the TV racing!
Others sit in an electronic haze,
Digital delights on Christmas days!
So here we sit Boxing Day afternoon,
An excess evacuation will be needed soon!

A Dark Christmas Eve!

Posted on December 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I remember some years ago looking at an old painting depicting a Nineteenth Century Christmas and wondering what it was really like. I need wonder no more. Following last nights storms we are on the news as: “Thousands of houses were without power last night as storms….” How many times have we heard that phrase from a smug position and not even thought ‘Poor Sods‘? No more wondering for me…

Was the night before Christmas Eve,
Around ten O’clock hour,
Suddenly darkness,
We have no power!
The wind it is howling,
Like Hounds of Hell,
The night is not cold,
That’s just as well!
The turkey is resting,
In the non-refrigerator,
There’s wracking of brains,
How’ll we’ll cook it later!
Nothing is working,
No communication ways,
So I wish you Happy Christmas,
It’s just like old days!

Baldock Bard from mobile tablet (slate with chalk!)

The Dangers of Cheap Alcohol

Posted on December 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A recent news item warned of the dangers associated with cheap alcohol, bottled in shady industrial units and sold to unsuspecting customers. It reminded me of a story my late father-in-law used to tell: During the Second World War he was a scientist in a laboratory for Royal Ordnance, discovering ever more powerful high explosives. He told about two co-scientists who were holding a party one Christmas. Wartime supplies had led to a shortfall of ingredients and as a result their mixture turned out to be lethal…

Some scientists were having a party,
They worked making TNT,
Alcohol was scarce on the high street,
But in the lab the neat stuff was free!

The two concocted a fruit punch,
Industrial alcohol glugged by the score,
With each new batch they tested,
They added just a soupçon more!

When the guests arrived at the party,
They couldn’t get in through the door,
When they looked in through the windows,
Their hosts were dead on the floor.

Two Different Styles!

Posted on December 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I’ve had a shock! I looked into the mirror this morning and an old man gawked back! But that is not all: This week I had a Victor Meldrew moment and found myself saying: “in my day it was totally different!” So I’ll soon be Zimmer-bound, completely toothless and able to block a Tesco aisle with my Geri-scooter! But again, that is not all: I was talking to someone much younger about a famous role model and discovered to my horror that we were talking about two different people from different eras who almost share a surname. Don’t worry about me, I’m off to spend my day in a wing-backed chair in front of television I no longer understand or hear…

I was looking through some very old files
When I came across a picture of Nobby Stiles,
Few front teeth and a terrible stare,
Went through footballers as if they weren’t there
Opposing players got their kicks
He played for England in ‘66
Then into management, medals were sold,
To keep his family when he grew old

Harry Styles has his life planned
As part of a successful young boy band
Sold out venues for their managed show
Screaming girls in every row!
With perfect teeth and floppy hair
Even mothers have an open-mouth stare!
No need to worry about pension projection,
He’ll only be travelling in one direction!

I Win the Title ‘Pillock of the Year’ (an Aga-saga)!

Posted on December 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was very presumptuous. I suggested to a friend that she’d wrested the title of ‘Pillock of the Year’ from me. Furthermore I went so far as to suggest that I would have to up my game in order to re-establish myself as a ‘Prize Pillock!”I didn’t have long to wait…

I only had one job to do,
And that was re-light the Aga,
The fact that it took all morning,
A drama became a saga!
I’ve done the job so many times,
Could do it in the dark,
I hadn’t done it for a while,
Was no walk in the park!
After two hours wasted,
Should have been just minutes,
The bloody switch was set to off!
I was a ‘Ninny-Ninnits!*”

*Which is apparently another name for a pillock in no less than thirteen different countries worldwide! It serves me right for not calling a real expert – Duncan from newtonagaservices@sky.com who is our Aga Guru.
Main picture from http://www.agaliving.com the place to go for all things Aga!

You don’t ever want to spend time on the floor looking into this abyss, step away and call for Duncan!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: December 2013