Cyril the Squirrel

Posted on January 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was watching a cheeky squirrel in a barn opposite the house. Very carefully I opened the window, aimed and shot it with my Canon. I was quite pleased with the result. Others, however, suggested that I was going soft in the head and should be put out to grass…

Cyril the Squirrel has a very long tail,
He likes eating oats that should be for sale,
If inspectors knew, hell would be to pay,
He doesn’t give a damn, he just says ‘Yay!’

Up strode the farmer with his ferocious gun,
“You can’t stop me, eating oats is fun!”
Both barrels leveled at Cyril’s grey head,
But the farmer missed, shot the barn instead!

Cyril didn’t need telling once or even twice,
Took off across the yard, “That wasn’t very nice!”
The farmer reloaded and fired once again,
Hit the old water butt that was full of rain!

Cyril climbed the oak tree opposite the wood,
He’d outrun the farmer, knew that he could!
Bang went the gun, missed Cyril by a twitch,
Back fell the farmer who landed in the ditch!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Row, Row, Row your Boat!

Posted on January 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

One of my Granddaughters favourite books has a button that you press to play a tune while you sing the words:
Row,row, row the boat,
Gently down the stream,
If you see a crocodile
Don’t forget to scream!
Yesterday I went to look around the farm. As we are on the top of a hill I didn’t expect to see flooding. However we have had almost half our annual rainfall in one month. The land has had as much water as it can take, the ditches are full to overflowing and it has nowhere else to go. Just when farmers needed a good harvest to keep their heads above water! Looking at a small lake I was reminded that there are many many farmers whose fields are completely underwater. So as I waded through the water, knowing there was nothing I could do, I started to sing…

Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the ditch,
When you see your flooded fields,
You know life is a bitch!

Wash, wash, wash your boat,
On a bright June day,
There is now a hosepipe ban,
Put that hose away!

‘Always look on the bright side of life,
der dum, der dum, der dum, der dum…’ Eric Idle

Surviving The Holidays!

Posted on January 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was on the phone to Mick at L&H Transport yesterday, arranging for a lorry to collect a load of oats this morning. We both congratulated each other on surviving to see yet another New Year! Having completed the arrangements I looked from the window to see others who were counting their blessings…

It was back to work Monday morning,
The holidays were truly over,
Arranging a collection of grain,
And wearing an old work pullover!

I spied a solemn procession,
Came around honking, looking for hay,
“We really have been very lucky,
We’ve managed to survive Christmas Day!”

“Our Friend was rather unfortunate,
She went to stay with a cousin,
Was shown her room Christmas Eve,
Didn’t realise it was an oven!”

“When folks saw her next she was naked,
On her back with feet in the air!
I’d like to tell where the orange was,
But with children around, I don’t dare!”

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Pylons are Coming!

Posted on January 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

According to a weekend newspaper, the dreaded pylons are on the march. Thanks to successful pressure from Home Counties Nimbys, wind turbines have proliferated in areas where there is little need for electricity. As a result the power has to be transported from turbines in areas of outstanding natural beauty by pylon to the homes of those very people who denounced turbines in their own backyard as spoilers of their countryside. It just seems to highlight the selfishness and stupidity of our age…

The Nimbys will protest again,
Not about flooding or persistent rain,
The view from their window may well change,
At the Old Vicarage and at The Grange!

They voted and marched against windmills,
Forced their building onto distant hills,
Now their houses need more power,
At the pylons they’ll frown and glower.

They’re against wave-power because of birds
Fields of cells are quite absurd!
Wind turbines bring them out in hives,
No local generation policy now survives.

Those who voted against local generation,
Are guilty of visual-pollution desecration,
Recently when the lights were out,
Those same people at the engineers did shout.

So bring on the darkness, serve them right,
They’ll see how early it’s dark at night!
In the dark the pylons, a demonic dance,
As yet more electric comes from France!!

The Sympathy Reservoir Springs a Leak

Posted on January 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

For some days now high tides, damaged sea walls and flooding have filled our screens. Correspondants have carefully chosen to report from those sea walls that have the greatest ‘splash factor’. Cars and vans have been filmed on smart phones floating away in swirling water. Helicopters have been hired to show new lakes on agricultural land. However there are signs of restlessness in the cheap seats. Very soon the gaze of the media will shift and editors will sigh with relief that new disasters are available. Meanwhile the misery for others will not have gone away so easily…

Water, water, everywhere,
It’s on the news right now,
Typical farmers complaining,
Have you seen a swimming cow?
One farmer has a massive lake
Where his crops once were,
The river is somewhere down in there,
It’s causing quite a stir.

A local pub has has water,
It’s lapping at the bar,
The publican faces ruin,
(It’s time for news from afar).
An old lady has been rescued,
She’s in an inflatable in the street,
Some kids splash by on scooters,
Her misery is complete.

“The council this, the council that!”
The council caused this rain!
They shouldn’t have given permission,
To build on a flood plain!”
Viewers screens are flooded,
Their patience down the drain,
They’ll move on, sympathy gone,
‘Not Me!’ syndrome again.

Postman Bob’s Final Countryside Round

Posted on January 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you know your postie’s name? Chances are that if you live in a town or city he delivers while you are away at work. Here in the sticks we are far more likely to share a quick word with her or him as we tend to work close to home. Today we lose our postman Bob. Some invisible layer of overpaid management has decreed that he is not senior enough to be in charge of this rural round. I know we will get used to having a different deliverer, but that won’t stop us missing ‘Our Bob’.

So it’s fond adieu,
It’s the final day,
Of Bob delivering,
Around our way.
We who are,
Countryside clan,
Will miss the humour
From his little red van!
So thank-you Bob,
For making us laugh,
As now you head up,
A different path!
And as for ladies,
If you please,
They’re bound to miss,
Your knobbly knees!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Empty Plate? Piece of Cake!

Posted on January 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

All our Christmas/New-Year guests have returned to their differing parts of the country (along with dogs!) and the house is now very quiet! Most things were to our guests liking, however one concern was raised…

One of our guests,
Mini-scene did make,
When she discovered,
No Christmas Cake!
We hadn’t had drink,
Nor were we pissed,
We’d just left it off,
Our shopping list!

We went to Stevenage,
And there in store,
Discounted cakes,
Not seen before!
So I’m ecstatic,
(she won’t agree),
As all this cake,
Is just for me!
(And it was absolutely fabulous, thank-you Mr Waitrose!)
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

That Monday Morning Feeling (on a Thursday!)

Posted on January 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning, in a positive frame of mind, I turned on the news. Commuters going back to work and complaining about fare rises formed such a large part of the content that I pressed the red button within seconds. Then I realised that it was a sign. Christmas is back in the box, it’s back to reality and the rubbish needs to go out…

It feels like Monday morning,
All Christmas magic stripped away,
We’re back to work,
Not even a smirk,
Months ’till the next holiday!

The Christmas tree to the garden,
The wrapping paper to the loft,
Empty bottles in,
The recycling bin,
From food waste a turkey waft!

So here’s to 2014,
Resolutions wearing thin!
What the year will be,
We wait and see,
Now last year’s in the bin!

The Impact of Last Years Words!

Posted on January 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

As with any year, words played a great part in 2013. However one person showed how important it is to have even a smattering of understanding when there is a translator doing the talking…

Imagine if…
During an important meeting,
Where let’s say, missiles are the topic,
The translator translating to a president the words of the president opposite,
Suddenly whispers:
“Oh, and by the way, he likes the way you’ve done your hair this morning and asks if you fancy going up to his suite for a coffee later?”
When in truth the president the other side of the table had said:
“I can see no way forward in reducing medium range missiles as you won’t reduce your long range rockets”
Or…
The unsuccessful job applicant who uses a free internet translation service that turns ‘yours sincerely’ into ‘your mother has the knees of a chicken and your sister the tongue of a snake!’
Or…
If Thamsanqa Jantjie, when ‘signing’ at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela had translated President Obamas speech as “Blah, Blah, Blah, Elephant, Giraffe, tiger, Lion!”
I think Mandela would have smiled.
If reports of his sense of humour are true, perhaps he smiled anyway!
Here’s wishing you and yours health and happiness in 2014…
…and watch those words!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: January 2014