Two Years On! The Devil (is in the detail)

Posted on February 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Today is the second anniversary of my blog, or so I thought. However as the first original verse was posted on February 29^th2012, the first true birthday will be in two years time on the 29^th February 2016. Today’s posting also happens to be the 666^th daily post (I’ve had the odd Sunday off to recharge batteries!). However the loss of an important part of my equipment has made this morning’s posting almost impossible. As they say, the devil is in the detail…

I spent the day yesterday,
With everything quite blurred,
I lost my glasses loading hay,
I know that sounds absurd!

So if you see a horse,
And he’s wearing glasses,
You will know that of course,
He’s off to evening classes!

Today I cannot drive,
So there’s no chance of retail,
Until my specs arrive,
The devil’s in the detail.

Thank you the 75,000+ readers from over seventy-five countries who have visited my blog over the last two years. I hope you enjoyed your visit and we’ll see you again soon!
Keep well and enjoy your life!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Never-Ending Lift!

Posted on February 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was in a lift at a hospital. I left my car so high in the multi-storey car park that I was expecting to look down on the International Space Station. I normally take the stairs (to make up for the time spent sack-like at my desk!), however I decided to take the lift. As I travelled down using up zero calories I remembered a lift at another hospital…

Mrs Bard and I had been to see,
Old Bill, who used to work for me.
His ward was near the very top floor,
We could see the car-park from near the door.
“Look there’s Jane,” said Mrs Bard from the window,
She was visiting Bill (his close friend, a widow).
“I can see her getting out of her car,
It looks like a Matchbox toy from afar!”
We went to await her arrival by lift,
It came up full, if you get my drift!
Every time the lift did appear,
We saw her waving from the rear.
The doors would screech under the strain,
And she’d go back to the ground again!
Three times we heard her politely cough,
At the fourth she finally got off.
Thereafter she used to use the stairs,
To save herself from ill-tempered glares!

The Steak-House Date!

Posted on February 26, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day, being closer to pensionable rather than school age, Mrs Bard and I had a mid-afternoon lunch at what used to be called a steakhouse. It was flattering being the youngest diners in the place! Some of the men were obviously enjoying a rare cooked meal judging by the angle of attack on their plates. A couple in the corner had left it dangerously late for a first date…

Albert Addcombe (sixty-eight),
Went to a steak-house on a first date.
Betty Briggs who’s sixty-one,
Was hoping for a bit more fun!

Albert carefully parked the car,
And headed straight for the salad bar!
Betty, restrained, chose a smallish plate,
While Albert grabbed enough to suffocate!

His giant main course was eaten at speed,
He ate most of hers such was his greed.
And swilled it down with a gallon of lager,
Betty watched with horror this cement-mixer saga!

Then the waitress asked if he could,
Manage to eat anything for pud!
Looking his date square in the eye,
“I think I could manage a little pie!”

The pie arrived like a wagon wheel,
Covered in cream (squirty not real!)
Albert, being one not to be beaten,
Didn’t stop until it was eaten!

Out in the car park “Enjoy the date?”
His Vesuvian belch sealed his fate.
“Come my dear you can drive me home!”
Alas Albert Addcombe was standing alone!

Percy – The Problematic Pensioner Pirate!

Posted on February 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was in a local supermarket recently when a pensioner on a mobility scooter wouldn’t let anyone pass in the aisle. I overheard a bystander call him an ‘effin pirate! The thought of a retired pirate riding an invalid scooter around his local supermarket had me enthralled…

Percy was a pirate,
Once sailed the Seven seas.
He now suffers tennis elbow,
And rheumatic knees!
When supermarket shopping,
Astride his faithful scooter,
If landlubbers blocked his path,
Be deafened by his hooter!

With a cry of oooooh and a shout of aaaaagh!
He rampaged around the aisles,
The oooooh came from his elbow,
The aaaaah came from his piles!
Now he has been banished,
Forced to ‘walk the plank’,
The supermarket’s now peaceful,
But there’s hell down at the bank!

Guests That Will Not Leave (and begin to smell after three days!)

Posted on February 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Benjamin Franklin, one of the Founding Fathers of the United States is quoted as saying: “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” Our geese would heartily agree with the sentiment behind this 280 year-old saying. You see, they’ve had guests to stay. The arrival of Canadian cousins three weeks ago was the cause of much celebration, honking and sharing of food. However the expectation was that the visitors would take a very broad hint and accept a lift to the airport before now…

Two Canada Geese arrived to stay,
With their cousins on the farm.
They didn’t bring a bottle of wine,
The Whites noticed with alarm!
They stayed a week and ate much food,
Then they stayed some more,
By the end of yet another week,
Family relations were quite sore!

The Whites are normally perfect hosts,
(said through gritted teeth),
“Is your flight booked for this week?
We’ll book a taxi with Keith!”
The guests thought they were teasing them,
“You Brits are just so strange,
We are here ‘till Autumn,
No travel to arrange!”

The Whites no longer notice the ‘guests’,
As they grumble so,
Somewhere they’ve read a saying,
About fish that will not go!
The Canuks are not for turning,
They are still here today,
What they’ve not told their cousins,
They only live ten miles away!

The Dishwasher Fairy!

Posted on February 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There are times when our dishwasher is prone to making weird noises. Mrs Bard sometimes asks me what is causing the racket. Not having done the washing machine repair module as part of my degree course (mummy kept me home that day with a cold), I have to declare ignorance. This does not go down well at all. The other day, when I was in exploratory mode, attempting use diagnostic skills I don’t have, I had rather a nasty shock…

The dishwasher was making a terrible noise,
As if filled with spanners or ten children’s toys!
The light was on ‘Low Dishwasher Salt’,
Was this the reason it had ground to a halt?
I opened the door, worried and wary,
When out backwards crawled a dishwasher-fairy!
“You useless man!” she shouted at me,
“Can’t you load a machine, it’s easy you see!”
I stepped well back to avoid her eruptions,
“Typical man, you don’t read the instructions!”
Finally, I’m afraid, I could take it no more,
I shoved her back in and slammed shut the door!
I turned on the power-wash, rinse and the drain
The machine farted and belched, never saw her again!
Now the noise has become really quite scary
I think she must be, one angry dishwasher fairy!

February (an unsettling month on the farm)

Posted on February 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Years ago an old farmer warned me about February: “February is always the worst time on a farm. It’s cold with a chance of snow, the cowman is on the verge of leaving, the muck heap is close to full, forage stocks may or may not last until the grass is ready and spring seems further away than ever!” I often wonder what he’d have made of this month in the UK, especially in Somerset…

It’s been mild
Winter never came
Day on day
Nothing much but rain
Not long now
Spring will arrive
Days will be much longer
Daffodils line the drive

The cameras will leave Somerset
The news will move elsewhere
The public’s thirst sated
Still water everywhere
We shall not forget them
As we store up loads of hay
Ready to feed their livestock
And reassure them they’re OK

If you wish to donate forage, please get in touch with your local NFU or YFC branch.
If you wish to donate please go to: http://www.justgiving.com/fcn/donate
Follow #forageaid on Twitter for the latest news.
Many thanks to all those hauliers who have donated their time, trucks and diesel to help get forage to where it is needed.

Blockbuster – (Consigned to history)

Posted on February 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Recently I passed Blockbuster’s empty store in Letchworth. The last time I had been in there it was full of people all looking for something to entertain them on a Saturday night. Thinking about it, I hadn’t been into the store for at least fifteen years, possibly more, as I preferred our local corner shops that had a less mind-boggling selection. I suddenly realised that my granddaughter might possibly ask ‘What was a Blockbuster card?’ or ‘What was a video?’ at some point in the future and I’d be hard pressed to explain…

“Grandpa, what is this?
I found it in a drawer,
It looks very old,
I haven’t seen it there before!”
“The card was proof of membership,
For a video store in town,
Just next to the shopping centre,
But in 2013 it closed down”.

“What was video rental?
Never heard of that before,
Was it like a download app,
Available from online store?”
“It simply was a place to go,
It had movies there to rent.
A video cassette was very large,
The tape sometimes was bent!”

I went up into the attic,
To a box all covered in dust.
Pulled out a video cassette,
The tape was covered in rust.
Further back a video player,
A vast aluminium non-ruster.
I plugged the lead into the mains,
It had gone the same way as Blockbuster!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Alex’s Good Luck Karma!

Posted on February 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

A friend’s son, Alex, is studying at a West-Country university. On Wednesday he is going for an interview to change his course and chosen career. He wants to be a nurse. I’m in awe of nurses as I am a medical wimp! I gag at the first sign of vomit and faint at the sight of blood. Anyone who decides to work to heal the sick gets my vote and best wishes…

If you are reading this on aircraft, boat or train,
Send Alex best wishes from your subconscious brain!
So let’s see if there’s,
Such a thing as Karma,
Something I believe in,
As I am a farmer!
I’m sure he’ll be successful without any fuss,
“Good Luck Alex from every one of us!”

A question for you – If in wishing luck to an actor you say “break a leg!” what do you say to someone who is a nurse? Answers please (on a postcard?!) to baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Dangers of Unknown Household Geography!

Posted on February 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Recently Mrs Bard and I went to stay with friends in a beautiful barn conversion. Leading a sheltered life, I had forgotten one of the great disadvantages of staying away from home: unknown household geography. Once when staying in a hotel in France I’d woken in the night and mistaken the wardrobe for the bathroom with near disastrous consequences…

Lying in bed in the early hours
Alcohol filtration sleeping sours
Through muddled brain I find the door
Where the handle is I’m not too sure!
Out on the landing a little light
Was that the bathroom on the right?
Once inside when relief is done
How loud is the flush when it’s just past one!

Dear Father-in-law many years ago
Did from the bathroom into wrong room go
Of the hosts beloved wife it was always said
Never got over becoming three in a bed!
Back on the landing doors there are four
All look the same at half past four!
I did ‘Eenny Meeny Miny Moe’
And into the third I did go!

Luckily for all I was right
Fell into bed and slept all night
So it proves when you stay away
Know where the loo is and you’ll be ok!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: February 2014