Stuck Behind a Tractor!

Posted on February 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

A new poster has just gone up next to the railway station in Baldock. It would seem to suggest that if you are late home because you stopped off for a burger, all you have to say is: “I got stuck behind a tractor!” and you’ll be instantly forgiven. Unfortunately, as a farmer, I have to admit that some drivers of agricultural leviathans are less than courteous on the road. However from my own experience, when I’ve pulled in at the earliest opportunity to let traffic pass, the number of times I’ve been acknowledged for letting traffic by can be counted on one hand (or one finger of one hand!). Plus ca change…

Coming down the road
Is a long long line of traffic
It can be seen from space
It’s almost photographic!
At the head of this river
A tractor and a trailer
The driver is oblivious
Even to a very loud-hailer

But all of a sudden
He puts on his brakes
He’s spotted his metal tail
And very few overtakes
He puts up his hand
At every car that passes
Most drivers are gesturing
“Where’s yer effin glasses?”

So next time you are late
You’ve sneaked a burger in
Don’t blame the Baldock Bard
As he sits on tons of tin
When he pulls aside
And you can go on through
You’ll notice he is smiling
Because he ‘s had a burger too!

‪#forageaid ‪#SomersetFloods
Farmers from across the country are supporting farmers in Somerset by donating forage. Including a group of farmers preparing to drive 225 miles by tractor from Yorkshire to Somerset with supplies.

‪Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Valentine’s Day Gift for Somerset Farmers

Posted on February 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Valentine’s Day. Up and down the country farmers are donating forage for those farmers in Somerset who desperately need help. The Young Farmers Clubs are central in helping to organize this relief effort aided by the National Farmers Union and other farmers groups. Haulage companies have given their services for free and farmers are taking fodder to central points for collection. At present those organising the distribution in Somerset have asked for a halt to deliveries, so we wait our turn. Community spirit is alive and well in the countryside this Valentine’s day…
Roses are red
Violets are Blue
Hay is the gift
We’ll send to you
It won’t arrive
For Valentine’s day
But it will be there
Whenever you say
So meantime it’s stored
On the farm in the queue
Just wanted to say
We’ll not forget you.

If you’d like to donate forage, please get in touch with your local YFC or NFU and they can point you in the right direction. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Bards Little Rechargeable Helper (My Sucky-Yucky Queen!)

Posted on February 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

When I went to light the wood-burner yesterday evening I made a mess on the carpet. Wishing to avoid any finger-pointing at my wood-carrying prowess, I reached for the new rechargeable vacuum cleaner. Unfortunately it also highlighted my limited lifestyle when I realised how excited I’d become over such a small household item. Note to self: get a life…

I have a little helper
Dyson is her name
It means I sweep the carpets
When I’m not out in the rain!

I wish that I could take her
Out onto the farm
But alas darling Mrs Bard
Would break my bloody arm!

I swept in the sitting room
Where I’d dropped a log
Then I used the sweeper
To sweep hairs from our dog!

I vacuumed granddaughter’s monkey
Now it looks like new
It’s amazing what the Dyson
In experienced hands can do!

Then a satisfying moment
Emptying by the door
Alas the bin is missed
Dust ends up on the floor!

In my world of vacuum cleaners
She’s the best that’s ever been
In fact she’s so successful
She’s my sucky-yucky Queen!

In Memory of my Son, David

Posted on February 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was unsure what to put his morning, 12^th of February. Eleven years ago Mrs Bard and I lost our son, David (pictured above surfing in North Wales) in a car crash while at university aged 22. This year his younger sister turned 30. The only thing that got us all through such a devastating loss was the love shown by friends. They show it still and this posting is as much for them as it is for David. I have chosen two verses about love by the same poet…

Katrina’s Sundial
Hours fly,
Flowers die:
New days,
New ways:
Pass by!
Love stays.

For Katrina’s Sundial
Time is too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But for those who love, time is  Eternity.

Henry Van Dyke, American author, academic and clergyman (1852 – 1933)

There are two things I’d like you to do today:

First of all I’d like you to give any teenager or young person that you know a simple piece of advice that may just end up saving their lives: If they are in a car and not happy with the way it is being driven or they suspect the driver may have been drinking or is stoned, say: “I think I’m going to be sick”. This may mean a long walk home, but it’s better than not reaching home at all.

Secondly I want you to ring, text, Skype, Twitter, Facebook, MSN (or better still the old-fashioned face to face), your child (or anyone who is very precious to you) and say two words: “Love You”. These are the last two words I ever said to my son. How I wish I could utter them again, so I’m asking you to do it. Not for me, not for David, but for you.

Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Disruptive Sock Fairies!

Posted on February 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I’m never in control first thing in the morning. A bumbling caffeine-deprived monster who is capable of frightening small children and animals, I’m best left alone! Nothing quite seems to make sense at this time of day and anything out of the ordinary serves to confuse. So three socks were destined to leave me in shock…

Those disruptive sock fairies,
Have been at it once again,
They normally hide just one,
Making pairing such a pain.
But this very morning,
Their cunningness surpassed,
They only added an extra sock,
To confuse a sleepy task!
What were they thinking of?
Perhaps I’ll never know,
But if it’s a sign of what the day will bring,
Back to bed I ought to go!

At the Starting Gate with Chemmy Alcott!

Posted on February 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Politics aside, I really enjoy the Olympics and particularly the Winter Games. If I were to sum up my prowess with a couple of planks on my legs, I’d describe myself as ‘Gas mark 2’, sub-section ‘scared’! However when watching the Olympic racers I become a wizard on skis, bending and twisting with ease at every control gate. However this morning when I turned on the television having only just surfaced, I wasn’t ready to race with GB’s Chemmy Alcott on the Women’s Super-Combined Downhill…

I am in the starting hut,
Still wearing my pyjamas!
The starting bleeps are bleeping,
Most frightening of panoramas!
The camera shows the drop,
I’m not ready to go down there,
No coffee in my system,
I haven’t brushed my hair!
Chemmy’s off, she’s flying,
At times she’s in the air,
The speeds that she is reaching
I’m glad that I’m not there!
Phew! She’s reached the finishing line,
Without any injury.
Some say that women are weaker than men,
Here the weaker sex is me!
With thanks to the BBC for excellent coverage

and humble thanks to
Chemmy Alcott for showing such bravery and dedication over the years.
We are very proud of you.

Water Lane – Water Road – Water Field – Water Water!

Posted on February 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There is water everywhere, on roads, on fields and in houses. I’ve even seen a flood on a hill! On the farm our squad of resident geese are confused. Despite having held a hastily convened meeting, they still have no idea where their new pond has come from. One day there was a grass field, the next morning there was a pop-up pond. Having tried it for size and depth they have gone back to their more permanent home…
The geese are confused,
They really don’t know why,
A pop-up pond’s appeared,
After rain fell from the sky.
They don’t know about drainage,
On flooding they’re not clear,
The only thing they know,
Is Lord Smith is not here!
There are no signs to warn them,
By chance they cannot read,
They don’t even have 24hr news,
To keep them up to speed!
They’ve not rung the Environment Agency,
Nor Number Ten,
They are just looking for,
Normality once again!
So if you see a bewildered goose,
Point him in our direction,
He will have made a mistake
In his sat-nav address selection!
For world-wide readers – Lord Smith is the supposed head of the Environment Agency (a government quango that apparently manages our rivers!)

Granddad on Parade!

Posted on February 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I ache in places I forgot existed. I have been brought to my knees by a sixteen-month-old slave-driver. When she shouts for me, I not only have to jump, but also ask how high! She wants stories-on-demand and despite access to three of the world’s most highly trained dogs, still shouts for more! It has been the most wonderful week which like all good things, is coming to an end…

Hickory dickory dock!
Granddad is watching the clock
I’ve been on the floor
Three hours or more
Now I am feeling a crock!

I am now such a crock
You should see me put on a sock!
I’ve read nursery rhymes
So many times
That now I am in deep shock!
I bought a CCTV
So her sleeping I could see
She knocked it down
By throwing a clown
All I could see was a tree!

Tomorrow she’s going back home
Leaving her poor grandparents alone
It’ll be quiet
Where once was a riot
We’ll replace her with a gnome!

Hickory dickory dock!
Her parents plane lands at 3 o’clock
Another week’s skiing
We’d be agreeing!
We’d have her again like a shot!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Trolley Rider!

Posted on February 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Having taken the Granddaughter shopping this afternoon I have re-learnt a lesson from long ago; shelf-pickers ride in the trolley! It is best not to get too close to the shelves…

The discerning trolley-rider knows,
How to make mum spend at Waitrose!
Down the aisle, to and fro,
Pick off shelves, she won’t know!

Then at the till you snivel and winge,
So she doesn’t notice the extra things!
When we’re home, she starts stropping,
“How did these things get in my shopping?”

The child sits there, thinks: ‘serves her right!
It’s not my fault you’re so uptight!
Perhaps next time you’ll let me choose,
It can’t be worse, you’ve nothing to lose!’

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Longest Forkin’ Fork!

Posted on February 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day son-in-law John and I had need to distance ourselves from our work. So we went into the workshop and created the longest handled fork in the county, if not the world…

Needing to get ourselves out of a very deep hole,
We put a fork on an extremely long pole.
We called it Stanislaw, or just plain Stan,
We’d soon be clear if all went to plan!
We pushed, we pulled, moaned and grunted,
In search of a solution, high and low we hunted.
With our very long fork we shifted all the rubble,
with an ‘oh’ and an ‘aah’, we were soon out of trouble.
And we made a flag that we unfurled,
We’ve got the longest forkin’ fork, in the whole forkin’ world!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: February 2014