The Perils of Dust when Cultivating!

Posted on March 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday we went cultivating in preparation for drilling Spring Beans. The ground was very dry on top and ‘puggy’ underneath. A rocky crust but wet enough to make pottery just below the surface! However it was great to see dust coming off the cultivator, something that just a few weeks ago I couldn’t begin to imagine.

There’s dust a-blowing on them there hills,
It blows away the torrential ills!
The tractor rushes across the field,
Preparing the ground for a great bean yield!
The dust blows onto passing traffic,
Causing language, oh so graphic!
A husband turns to his wife to say:
“I only washed the car Sunday!”

“Well you’ll just have to wash it again my dear!”
She says, in a way, he doesn’t sense her sneer!
While all the time she’s thinking, ‘Yes!”
Another weekend job for him to address!
Sunday morning he’s out in the rain,
He’s washing the car – farmers to blame!
He’s steaming like breakfast burning toast,
Forgets from where came his Sunday Roast!
“Bloody Farmers!”

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The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Deepest Hole (in all the garden!)

Posted on March 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

While doing my grand-fatherly duties recently, I was teaching granddaughter how to jump on mole-hills in the garden (as one does!). Suddenly she stopped and was peering down a hole in the lawn…

A hole appeared in the garden,
I’m sure wasn’t there yesterday,
There wasn’t any sign of digging,
We didn’t suspect fowl play!

We looked into the hole,
And saw a pinprick of light,
I fetched my powerful binoculars,
As something wasn’t quite right!

There at the deepest juncture,
Was a man gazing down at me,
Dressed in a pair of swim trunks,
He seemed to be waving you see!

He soon disappeared from sight,
Was replaced by a large kangaroo,
I passed the glasses to my granddaughter
She shouted a very loud ‘Shoo!’

There remains very little evidence,
Of this mysterious deep deep hole,
It’s the photo you see above this,
And a hill that looks left by a mole!

Shooting a Wall!

Posted on March 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday in a local town I came across a group of people taking photographs of a supermarket wall. Now I’ve been known to take some strange photos, many of which have ended up on here, but I’ve never been inclined to use the latest digital equipment on bricks and mortar…

What are they doing in St Neots?
They taking photos of bricks,
They’re using long lenses and time-lapse,
All we can hear is just clicks!
Suddenly one of them shouts,
“I found one, it’s really quite strange!”
Whether he means a brick or an insect,
I’ll never know as I walk out of range!

The Long Walk to Recovery!

Posted on March 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

While sitting in a showroom having just signed my life away for a shiny all-singing all dancing automobile, my mind wandered. I remembered how my first car used to breakdown at most inopportune moments. Without the luxury of mobile phone or recovery it would always be an interesting experience…

I shall never forget,
my first breakdown,
and the lonely walk,
from the edge of town,
To the farm,
to get a tow,
from the muck-covered tractor,
that did stink so!
And realising,
as I steered,
that my car’s seat,
was now cow-muck smeared!

There’s Something About a Lamb!

Posted on March 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We have some visitors to the farm! They were born last Sunday and were very popular with the school children last Wednesday. They have the ability to lift spirits and bring out a smile in everyone…

There’s something about a lamb
that makes your day,
When you see a lamb
you know you’ll be ok!
So I’m sending you a lamb
this Spring Friday,
Tomorrow is the weekend,
Have a great day!

For the curious: the breed of lamb is Black Welsh.

The Other Side of the Furrow!

Posted on March 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday we had 29 eight-year-old schoolchildren visiting the farm from an inner-city school in London. The sun shone, the ground under-foot was dry, lambs delighted, chicks amused and the children left the farm exhausted but happy. Having thoroughly enjoyed their company, I went to look at some ground where we hope to drill Spring Beans. This spoilt my day. On top was dry, but underneath the surface it was like un-cooked chocolate pudding. I should have given each child a dibber and a bag of seed!…

A farmer that I know,
Some beans he hoped to sow.
The field was wet,
The tractor got set,
No further did he go!

My thanks to the staff and pupils from the school that visited yesterday, please come again soon, it was wonderful to see you!

Zen and the Art of Ploughing!

Posted on March 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago I worked on a farm alongside an old man called ‘Tidley’. Despite being a rogue, he was an excellent ploughman. He’d sit on his beloved Caterpillar ploughing all day. You could hear the engine singing: “Dunk, Dunk, Dunk, Dunk, Dunk!” as constant as a metronome, for miles around. He hated seagulls, young students (me!) and hard work. Often, I would have to work twice as hard, while he slept in the shade of a tree on a warm spring day! He now has the rest of eternity to doze, in a quiet country churchyard…

“You get more spuds in a bent row!”
Tidley Wilkins used to say.
If you don’t mow in a straight line,
You’ll get more bales of hay!

If you half-fill the muck spreader,
You get more loads of muck.
If you put in half the hours,
You’ll need twice the luck!

And if things go wrong,
Be careful when you take aim!
There’ll always be a youngster,
Who’s around to take the blame!

It has been pointed out to me by fellow farmers that the picture has been reversed as the furrows face the wrong way (it’s a farmer thing). The picture came from an American site on the internet. I use 99% of own-taken photographs. I apologise to all who may be offended by this and promise to take more care in future. I should possibly enrol on a course to teach me about farming!
I think it may just be Tidley, teaching me a lesson from beyond the grave, as he did all those years ago!

A Most Mysterious Object!

Posted on March 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The water lying on the fields has subsided and the ground has mostly dried up. I took a drive around the farm yesterday to look at the crops. All seemed well until I came across a mysterious object half hidden in the grass on Gotta Field…

Looking like a space accessory,
That had fallen from the sky,
Something lying in the grass field,
If I approach it will I die?

So I decide not to walk there,
My Mitsubishi in four-wheel drive,
Clutching my mobile phone beside me,
Ready to make an exit dive!

The closer that I come to see it,
The more ominous it looks,
Realise I’ve no Risk Assessment,
Haven’t gone by all the books!

Nearly on top of it I wonder,
Who will catch me if I fall?
Suddenly I feel quite stupid,
It’s only a purple exercise ball!

The Granddaughter, The Chicks and Her Dog!

Posted on March 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Where most people have a table and chairs in their dinning room, my son-in-law, daughter and granddaughter have a paddling-pool with fourteen chicks! It is another new chapter of excitement in the seventeen-month-old’s life – soft toys that move and chirp without needing batteries! Her dog sits, stares and wonders a different thought…

My granddaughter looks at the chicks and thinks:
Fourteen soft fluffy toys!
The chicks look up at the granddaughter and think:
Mummy?

The heat lamp looks at the chicks and thinks:
Responsibility – must warm!
The chicks look up at the heat lamp and think:
Mummy?

The feed hopper looks at the chicks and thinks:
Responsibility – must feed!
The chicks look at the feed hopper and think:
Mummy?

The water trough looks at the chicks and thinks:
Responsibility – must water!
The chicks look at the water hopper and think:
Mummy?

Her dog looks at the chicks and thinks:
Fourteen fluffy snacks!
The chicks look up at her dog and think:
What on earth is that with all those sharp teeth,
THAT’S NOT OUR MUMMY!

Alice and the Six-Legged Raisin!

Posted on March 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes I have difficulty writing even my own name. At other times ideas seem to be like oil on water, spreading so fast that fingers on the keyboard have to run to keep up! This morning, from somewhere within the damp sawdust inside my head, this came rushing out.

While eating a meal,
Alice swallowed a spider.
She felt it travel,
deep down inside her!
Her older brother,
Sebastian Piers,
was always full,
of bright ideas!

“Some fizzy drinks,
might just work,
send up the spider,
on a great big burp!”
“If you stand,
on your head,
we might coax it out,
with a piece of bread!”

“If we fold your feet,
to your waist,
we’ll squeeze it out
like toothpaste!”
“With a fluffy feather,
I’ll make you sneeze,
The spider’s sure,
To come out with ease!”

Alice was tired
of playing his game,
she yawned and stretched,
and out it came!
Her mother said:
“No if’s or but,
you should always eat,
with your mouth shut!”

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: March 2014