Winning the Pools! (installing a ‘new best friend’ magnet in the garden!)

Posted on April 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Some friends are having a swimming pool dug in their garden. This is ideal as it gives even distant friends the chance to enjoy a swim without paying to visit the local ‘Municipal’. I have tried to warn Mr and Mrs X, without success and therefore wish them luck…

It’s great to have a pool in the garden
Especially before it’s erected!
The sun always shines in the brochures
But not in the place you selected!

You get in a JCB digger
Excavated earth forms a very large hill
At last you’re ready for water
It takes twenty-eight days just to fill!

In a shed sits the pump and a boiler
And power station complexity pipe
Filtration, backwash and through flow
It gurgles and belches all night!

The water, a dominant mistress
To be nurtured and kept in trim
It takes all of your hours in attendance
You haven’t the time just to swim!

You’ve added chlorine and acid a plenty
Algicide and vacuumed it clean
Along comes the thunder and lightning
The pool turns a bright shade of green!

The neighbours become very friendly
They come round to see you each day
Your children seem very popular
New ‘friends’ (clutching towels) come to ‘play’!

The electricity meter’s in meltdown
Your bank account’s begun to slip
You’re back’s not recovered from digging
All forgotten when you take your first dip!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Paper, Paper, Everywhere!

Posted on April 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Back in the Eighties when I bought my first computer I was advised to buy a printer ‘before they become obsolete!’ The salesman suggested that ‘in the near future’ offices would be paper-free environments. How I wish I could meet him now. There seems to be more paper than ever and in most cases companies are reluctant to E-mail bills. This leads to an Everest in my office, complete with avalanche warnings…

Paperless office? Unfortunately not here!
Print has used a few trees I fear,
All your bills you must store,
Seven years boxed up (sometimes more!)
Then at last you can get shot,
Although with fire you may not!
So let’s hear it for the office shredder,
It’s a great noisy cutting hamster-bedder!
Lists of rules from the Environment A-gen-cy,
Regularly get soaked by hamster pee!
Ejected, unwanted and disgraced,
It ought to be simply: cut and paste!

Ducks Shout from the Roof-Tops!

Posted on April 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening two ducks were sat on the roof opposite the house. Nothing seemed to bother them as they sat looking down on the world. Kevin didn’t seem to bothered that he had no i-Phone and Kaylee wasn’t looking to go clubbing…

Mr and Mrs Duck are sitting on the roof
Watching the world go by
Mr Duck is acting aloof,
Can’t be bothered to fly!

“Look at those people down there!”
Darren says to Ducky-wucky his wife,
“They spend their time rushing about,
I’m not sure I fancy their life!”

“We have to find our food every day,
We don’t go to Tesco or Aldi,
We’ve no credit card or savings,
Everything we eat is all free!”

“No worry about our pensions,
Old age spent in the sun,
Our only real worry is simple:
A farmer carrying a gun!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Highway Repair Syndrome!

Posted on April 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I was due at an important meeting in a city some miles away. I thought I’d left plenty of time, which I had, until I arrived at a point where I could see my destination. It was then that my progress ground to a halt. The ‘Muck-Up Fairy’ had hitched a lift and arranged a hold-up…

I’m in a Q.U.E.U.E.
No workers can I see!
Damn my rights,
Just traffic lights,
I’m dying for a pee!

The cars now start to move,
Shows a slight improve,
I get to the head,
The lights turn red,
Sod’s Law I can now prove!

I run fast down the stairs,
As if I’m chased by bears,
“Where’s the race?
Red in the face!”
Cancelled meeting unawares!

If Carlsberg did Health and Safety Advisors!

Posted on April 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I had a visit from an advisor concerning Health and Safety. Normally anyone concerned with this most serious of subjects is to be found wearing an expanse of tweed, a mop of greying hair and an accusatory finger that wags at the smallest risk. I was relieved and impressed…

Liz arrived on the farm to check it out,
To advise on compliance if any doubt.
Risk assessment is her forte,
Whether guards astray or non-compliance-naughty.
There were a few signs that should have been there,
To highlight fragile roofs up in the air.
She saw all the things the schoolchildren see,
And outlined any risks that there could be.
So if your assesments are not up to scratch,
You’d better invite Liz to look over your patch!

Liz is available through the National Farmers Union to assess Health and Safety and can be contacted through the Wellingborough office (01933 303 232). We all wish her the very best when she is married later this month.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Contented Water Snail!

Posted on April 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was down by the river the other day when a boat passed. Nothing at all unusual in that you might say, however this was the floating home of its owner. A dog in a life jacket ran along the roof as it gently meandered along at a sedate four miles per hour. I began to wonder who had the right lifestyle, him or me…

Floating down the river,
With time on his hands,
It doesn’t matter when he arrives,
He hasn’t any plans.
His dog runs up and down,
Barking at the geese,
He has no land-side bonds,
Except a distant niece!
This week he’s on the river,
Next week the canals he’ll sail,
He’s happy and contented,
A live-aboard water snail!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Esmerelda, The Lost Hen of the Him-a-Layers!

Posted on April 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We had a school party visit the farm yesterday. Unfortunately one of our resident hens had decided to go feral and refused to go into the hen house on Sunday evening. We feared the worst, expecting to find body parts, following the close attention of Mr Fox. However during the school visit there was a sudden clucking from unexpected quarters and Esmerelda the Escapologist made a grand entrance…

The Lost Hen of the Him-a-Layers,
Is hiding out of sight,
Ready to give schoolchildren,
Something of a fright!
She creeps up behind them,
And with a deep deep voice,
Says “I’m a Him-a-Layer,
To meet you is quite nice!”

She then runs around the corner,
And hides up once again,
She enjoys playing hide-and-seek,
She’s a game-playing kind of hen!
Next time she might wear a party hat,
And play a green Kazzoo,
And march around the farmyard,
Hoping to impress you!

There is only one little problem,
Eggs she’s supposed to lay,
They all end up scrambled,
‘Cos all she wants to do is play!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: April 2014