The Furniture Showroom!

Posted on May 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I went to look for a new chair the other day. The showroom was big enough to use as an aircraft hanger and as empty of life as a post-alien abduction in Biggleswade…

There are hundreds of sofas,
And it’s always the sales,
There are enough kitchen tables,
To supply all of Wales.
Enough cushions,
To soften the fall,
But no telephone tables,
To go in the hall!
There are recliners,
relaxers and kitchen chairs,
Sofas sold singularly,
And some sold in pairs!
But after speaking to the salesman,
And losing my voice,
There is one criticism,
Just too much choice!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
New! – Video from the bootsale 17/5/14!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbIERPYokho
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Mrs Pheasant, Her Brood and the Farmer!

Posted on May 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was mowing long grass the other evening with my ride-on mower when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted something moving. I hastily stopped the mower, grabbed the camera from my pocket, aimed and fired! There was a hen pheasant and her fifteen chicks…

Mrs Pheasant said:
“Please Mr Farmer, Stop, Stop, Stop!
My chicks are hidden in this crop,
If you touch them you’ll be in disgrace
I’ll fly up and scratch your face!”

Mr Farmer replied:
“Don’t you worry Mrs Pheasant, just stay at ease,
I want a photo, will you all say ‘cheese’?
Then I’ll leave you and be on my way,
And not be back ‘till next Friday!”

So today I’ll go and take a peek,
And see how much they’ve grown in a week,
And if they are hidden I’ll leave them well alone,
Sod the grass it will remain un-mown!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
New! – Video from the bootsale 17/5/14!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbIERPYokho

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Hidden World of Refrigerator Maintenance!

Posted on May 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Our refrigerator stopped working, or rather it started behaving like a broken oven. We called in Alex who has the magic and can resurrect most mechanical fails. Despite looking from many different angles and making multiple measurements, calculations and life-saving chants, he was unable to save the appliance…

When mending a fridge,
You must take care,
Not to slam the door,
Or get it caught in your hair!
You must be polite,
Possibly do some pleading,
If that doesn’t work,
Do some manual reading!
Is there illumination?
When the door’s ajar,
If it’s intermittent,
Reach for Pinot Noir!
If there’s no motor hum,
Coming from the back,
Lie down on the floor,
Give it a mighty thwack!
If it’s still not working,
There’s little you can do,
Except admit defeat,
You’ll be after one that’s new!

The Bard and The Chinese Shoe Factory!

Posted on May 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning I received an E-mail from a Chinese manufacturer of quality shoes. The plea, from a very well-mannered Mr Triumph, suggested that I may be interested in sizes from 32-46. Furthermore I was assured that their styles were nice, they were very good shoe producer and that they were right there waiting to hear from me. As it is impolite to be impolite I prepared this for them, and wish them well in the expanding Baldock shoe sector…
Far away in China,
Never showing up in news,
A very fine factory,
Making lots of shoes.
One day a marketing gentleman,
Happened by the gates,
“I give you world exposure
Thanks to Mr Gates!”
So in the Brio factory,
Mr Triumph (head of shoes),
Started e-mailing worldwide,
A clever marketing ruse.
One of these e-mails,
Happened to go astray,
And landed on my desktop,
Early yesterday.
I was most impressed,
By the footware shown,
That I thought I’d order some,
To wear around the home!
The dogs think I’ve gone barmy,
Mrs Bard is quite upset,
My granddaughter asked her mother,
“Will you take Granddad to the vet?”
So Mr Triumph,
Some shoes are on the Bard,
I’ve ordered some for the tractor,
And some for round the yard!
Good luck with your endeavours,
I hope for you the sun will shine,
Good luck to all at Brio,
Your shoes do sure look fine!
The nice Mr Triumph can be found at:
Brio Shoes Co., Ltd.
No. 303, Jiahe Road, Amoy, China
If you are passing, look him up and say that the Baldock Bard says ‘Hello!’

The Storm and the Swan!

Posted on May 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other evening I watched a swan battle her way upstream against the current and in torrential rain. It struck me that although she looked very serene, her life was essentially one of hardship compared to us supposed superior humans. Then I began to wonder if in fact it was the other way round and it was us that should be pitied…

Mrs Swan thought it the norm,
To paddle through a thunderstorm,
Her sole task without complaint,
Protect six cygnets without restraint.

Mr Swan was not however,
Prepared to paddle in any weather,
He would always make a fuss,
Inclement weather made him cuss!

None of the kids dared complain,
For the lack of the latest computer game,
Their only schooling was construed,
To be serene and look for food!

They look at humans and wonder why,
We have a need to sulk or cry:
“Why do they hold themselves aloft?
Look at their lives they must be soft!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Fergus, the Largest Duck in all the World!

Posted on May 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

To our ducks on the pond, new-arrival Fergus is the largest duck in all the world. He arrived the other evening from Langford, Bedfordshire, where he used to live with his wife Sydney and her sister Bridget (both named after the structure in Sydney Harbour). The ducks on our pond were speechless when he arrived, but soon succumbed to his charms…

Fergus was unhappy,
His wife had passed away,
And he was ever so lonely,
Miserable every day.
We drove up to Langford,
When contacted by phone,
Said Fergus’s Mum and Dad:
“He’s pining on his own.”
So now he’s on our pond,
With our motley crew,
There’s Balduck, an Indian Runner,
And a white duck from Norfolk too!
They welcomed their new friend,
The girls said “Want a ride?”
You’re the largest duck we’ve ever seen,
Come swim by our side!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Wise Old Barn Owl!

Posted on May 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Just after seven o’clock this morning as I was getting dressed, Mrs Bard shouted, “Quick, bring your camera!” Hurriedly I grappled with my jeans, grabbed my camera, found the battery and rushed outside. There on a tree was one of the barn owls, illuminated by sunlight with a dark sky behind him. Just as I attempted to focus the camera, the sun went in. However for me the shots were good. But they were not that good. You see we have a great friend who takes absolutely fantastic photos. He waits around for hours to get the money shot and has a lens longer than the M1 Motorway, but you know me, I have the attention span of a distracted goldfish…

The barn owl sits on the tree branch,
Considering the economic conditions in France.
He snorts with laughter at the state of play,
And the under-fed pigeons on the Champs-Élysées!
But most of all he yawns and he thinks,
It’s seven o’clock, must be time for forty winks!

The Celestial Display!

Posted on May 22, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Last night ‘Him Upstairs’ got his favourite paint-by-numbers set from the drawer and painted the sky. It is at times like this when you can only stand back and gaze in awe of something that no man can claim as his own…

Red sky at night,
An utter delight.
We stood in awe,
At the back door.
No man could say,
“It was child’s play!”
As the complex light,
Heralded the night.
We went inside,
Well satisfied!

Shopping Level: Fail!

Posted on May 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Some things in life appear simple but in reality are very difficult to accomplish. Take shopping. Mrs Bard whizzes around the shops and even though she has no list, she buys everything we’ll need. I find it slightly harder as I am easily sidetracked and forget what I have gone to the shop for…

“I’ll go shopping,” I heard myself say,
“There’s not much we need today!”
So off I went clutching bags for life,
To take some pressure from my wife!
Now in the past I’ve been known,
To bring unwanted shopping home,
I get to the store with the best intentions,
Then distracted by consumer inventions!
But this time I’d made a list,
So no groceries could be missed.
Up the aisles I pushed my trolley,
Getting sidetracked would be a folly.
Standing in the checkout queue,
Special offers hove into view!
I reached home thinking ‘success,’
“I’ve done the shopping at M&S!”
I now know how a good husband makes,
He knows to hide the chocolate teacakes!
“You can’t even accomplish a task with ease,
You’ve gone and forgotten the bloody cheese!”

The Confused Trout Avoid Keep Net!

Posted on May 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Friend Tony went fishing for trout at the weekend in a Dorset river courtesy of some ‘Benefactors from Kent!’ Unfortunately his keep net remained unused. I don’t think the South-Western fish recognised his Midland-esque flies…

Tony went down to the river to fish,
He took with him knife, fork and a dish,
Wore his best tweeds with hat and wader,
Took to the waters looking like Darth Vader!

Loosened his flies and flexed his rod,
Cast his line and prayed to God!
Sadly he slipped with a great big splash,
Soaked to the skin, his wallet and cash!

Unfortunately for him the fish didn’t bite,
No fish to be caught for supper that night!
But all was not lost as the river rose,
He’d purchased a back-up from Waitrose!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: May 2014