A Day in the Life of Rosie!

Posted on May 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Friends Matt and Hazel have a small dog called Rosie. People who don’t have a dog will not understand how they can completely take over your life. They are control on four legs, no service is quite good enough. Dog owners have been known to beg for the slightest praise…

Translation by Rover, a wise old sheepdog:
“I have two humans who live with me,
Human(m) and Human(f).
Once they have prepared my breakfast,
they are free to eat theirs.

Human(f) then leaves my house,
Human(m) sometimes says in a strange voice:
“mummy’s gone to work now!”
I don’t know what he means.
I think she might have gone somewhere to buy my food.
I allow them to fetch food for themselves too,
From what I think is called a shop,
But why should I care where it comes from,
so long as it comes and is on time!

We then leave in the Rosie transporter for ‘work’,
I let Human(m) drive as I can’t reach the pedals.
Sometimes at working I see friends:
Alfie and his human,
and sometimes Basil and Rowan,
who bring one of their humans for a walk.

I have recently learnt to tell the time:
Daytime,
Breakfast time,
Lunchtime,
Suppertime,
Night time,
Bed time.

All humans are back in my house before supper,
as they must prepare my meal,
then I let them eat so long as I have offerings to taste.

Then it’s bedtime.
I let my humans share my bed,
but I am very tired as it’s exhausting looking after two humans,
and so they’d better not disturb my sleep!

I dream about new and exciting ways to control my humans.
Tomorrow is another day!”

Dedicated to Paula, Basil and Rowan’s Human(f), a true dog-lover who has been very poorly recently, Everyone wishes you well – Get Well Soon.

© Baldock Bard 2014
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The Bank Holiday Crush!

Posted on May 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Bank Holiday scene 1929

Yesterday was a Bank Holiday here in the UK. Not many years ago this meant that you couldn’t even buy a pint of milk on this day (it was delivered to the door anyway!). Nowadays there would be panic and civil unrest if you were unable to buy a car, plumbing tools, a fluffy toy or do the weeks shopping…

We had a Bank Holiday Monday
The banks were closed yesterday
But all the stores
opened their doors
And welcome shoppers to pay!

It used to be a chance to visit the sea,
No work for 24 hours you see!
A picnic would be made
(With lemonade!)
Content and happy they’d be!

Now it’s all rush rush rush
Afraid we’ll all miss the bus
We’ve not enough time
To notice sublime
As we’re borne along with the crush!

Will They Come?

Posted on May 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you remember the old film starring Kevin Costner as a farmer who builds a baseball stadium in the middle of a field of maize (corn in the US)? He seemed to spend much time wandering about, not actually building his dream but listening to a voice in his head saying: “They will come!” I know how he felt. Every Saturday before the car boot sale a little voice whispers to me “Will they come?” Last week it poured with rain and some came but we couldn’t open, so questions and doubts abound this morning. However it is now out of my hands and all I need when I drive over the hill for the 536^th Saturday and see a queue of cars and vans is to say: “They have come!”…

It’s five-fifteen,
On a bright frosty morning,
I look outside,
The weather out there looks fine!
All’s in place,
There’s nothing else to do now,
Apart from wait,
And check the adverts published online!

So in an hour,
I’ll leave the house,
Go down the road,
See the queue,
Prepare the loos,
Open the gates,
And hopefully say…
“They have come!”
And they came! (updated later pictured at 10am)

Tempting Tasty Cream Cakes!

Posted on May 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I have a weakness for the baker’s shelves. As I get older I find it nigh on impossible to pass the baker’s shop in Baldock without sneaking in for a crafty iced donut or bun. However I console myself with the fact that I only pass the shop once or twice a week, unlike some…

Slim Jim Jones likes sweet cakes,
From the baker not branded makes,
Every time he walks by,
He has to go inside and buy!

His trousers started getting tight,
Heartburn stalked his chest at night,
His wife started calling him ‘Jumbo Jim’
He could no longer be called slim!

His mother even asked one day,
Was there news of a child on the way?
The next stage was a pavement scooter,
With flying pendant and squeaky hooter!

Now he sleeps in an empty bed,
Looks like a rhino with a pumpkin head,
His wife wouldn’t stay, he tried to make her,
She’s gone to live with a cream-cake baker!

Lost in the Suburbs and Far From Home!

Posted on May 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I went to a garden centre the other day and not being too interested in plants I wandered about looking for something to amuse. I had no idea that garden ornaments came in such shapes and sizes. In the middle of one display I even came across a visitor from a distant land…

I’m looking for directions,
I think I’m lost you see,
I took to the water far away,
Kind of drifted in the sea.

I think it’s time for dinner,
I’ve had no fish today,
I went into the restaurant,
All the staff just ran away!

I thought I’d take a nap,
In this display of plants,
A woman said ‘sacré bleu’
I think this may be France!

So I need to go back home,
To give them all a warning,
There’s no fun in a temperate clime,
Beware of Global Warming!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: May 2014

A Day in the Life of Rosie!

The Bank Holiday Crush!

Will They Come?

Tempting Tasty Cream Cakes!

Lost in the Suburbs and Far From Home!