The World Needs Experts (like a fish needs a hair straightener)

Posted on June 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been doing a job when a voice from behind you says: “I wouldn’t have done it like that!” At present every politician who has ever held office is complaining about a former Prime Minister’s comments regarding Iraq. Now I have never been a fan of the former PM, but his comments have given others a golden opportunity to say: “I wouldn’t have done it like that” from over his shoulder…

The men look over the shoulder,
Of the one doing the job,
They’re busy with advice,
While he wishes they’d just shut their gob!
“Why don’t you,” and “If I were you,”
The phrases that they most use,
Not noticing that the man doing,
Takes no notice of their views!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Dolly the Extremist Horse!

Posted on June 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I walked across the field the other day and was shocked to the very core. Dolly, who lives on the farm, was wearing some sort of veil and all-over body covering. Concerned that she might arouse the attention of the Home Secretary or the Education Minister, I made my excuses and left…

Dolly’s been radicalised,
Dolly’s gone to far,
But I think we’re safe,
She won’t fit in a car!

She’s bound to make a protest,
That she’s not allowed free rein,
She’s on a low-grass diet,
That encourages her to complain!

She wasn’t radicalized in the classroom,
(Doesn’t go to school of course),
The Prime Minister isn’t interested,
She’s just a Trojan Horse!

The Fox and our Hens

Posted on June 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We have become very attached to our chickens. They all have different personalities and are named! (from left above: Happy Hen, Nosey Hen, Overfriendly Hen, Grey Hen and Upthedrive Hen). So perhaps it’s or fault that a fox-strike affects us so much. Early this morning I was awoken by the sound of slaughter…

I’m not normally violent,
It’s just not me,
But last night a fox,
Went on a killing spree.
The henhouse is protected,
By an electronic gate,
Which suffered a malfunction,
Leaving them to their fate.
I was in bed,
Prior to an early morning,
When I heard hens scream,
A nasty eerie warning.
I rushed outside,
Torch in hand,
Not wishing to see,
What the fox had planned.
There was the fox,
in the middle of slaughter,
I didn’t have a gun,
But I knew I ought-a.
While he was killing,
I stood there fumin’
The only others who kill like that,
I’m afraid to say are human.

Thirty Days of Heaven (or Hell!)

Posted on June 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Twenty-three English footballers are in Brazil to play in the World Cup. Tomorrow evening the streets will become deserted as many watch them play their first match against Italy. The hopes of a Nation are resting, blah, blah, blah, however…

It’s football, football, football,
Football all the way,
World Cup fever’s here again,
Final: 30 days away!
No other sport will exist,
Some will moan and say,
“Not more ‘effin football,”
How badly can they play!
However things could be different,
If England win (let’s say!),
The Nation will be rejoicing,
And all will shout “Hooray!”
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

‘Almost’ is a terrifying word!

Posted on June 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Almost is a strange and terrifying word. It occurred to me the other day that you never get to meet anyone who has ‘almost’ done something because nobody is willing to admit failure. A journalist never interviews someone who has ‘almost’ walked the breadth of America backwards or ‘almost’ won an award or race. I suppose we never tell our ‘almosts’ because there’s no interest in a non-medal podium finish…

I almost won a poetry competition some years ago,
But was beaten by a seven-year-old girl’s verse about her hamster!
I almost bought a valuable ‘Lalique’ vase for 50p at the Car Boot Sale,
But replaced it because it looked too ordinary!
I almost won the lottery,
But missed it by five numbers!
I almost competed in Modern Pentathlon in my teens,
But didn’t like getting my hair wet!
I almost achieved an ‘A’ at Maths ‘O’ Level,
But missed it by seven grades four times!
I almost grew an earth-shattering new crop on the farm,
But I couldn’t see how it would fit into my rotations!
I almost installed money-saving solar panels on every roof,
But didn’t because they looked too expensive!

I almost took an award-winning wildlife photograph yesterday,
But the raptor wouldn’t stay still and flew off!
I suppose that’s ‘Just Life!’
How many ‘almosts’ have you had?

The Morning’s Delight!

Posted on June 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Letting the dogs out on this wonderful sunny morning, dressed just in pyjamas, I wandered down the garden. On a wall is a climbing rose and even though I see it most mornings, on a morning such as this, it compliments the weather perfectly. So I thought I’d share it with you. Have a wonderful day…

There’s nothing like a rose,
On a warm summer’s day,
Its beauty and perfume,
Have chased the clouds away.
It’s such a wonderful sight,
When the sun begins to climb,
As I wander down the garden,
It gets me every time!

The Racehorse Transporters!

Posted on June 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My old man always warned me to beware of fast women and slow horses (or it could have been the other way around?) I’ve never understood the attraction of horse-racing, that is not to say I’m against it, but it just doesn’t hold my limited attention span! The other day I drove past a small purple racehorse transporter, it set my mind a-wondering…

In the back of the lorry,
Munching at hay,
A runner at Lingfield,
Two thirty today!
Sitting in front,
Of this tireless campaigner,
The girl groom’s asleep,
Beside her the trainer.
Perched on a cushion,
A book in his face,
The jockey is silent,
His mind on the race.
They all know it’s hopeless,
The horse is not fast,
The owner will be livid,
When the horse comes in last!

The Pavement Robbers!

Posted on June 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week I was in the City of Ely with the family. We were wandering along a pavement when we were accosted by three highway robbers disguised as ducks! They blocked the pavement and approached my Granddaughter…

“Stand and deliver!
Your crumbs or your life!
You’ve eatables aboard,
To feed me and the wife!
So let’s see what you’ve got,
Hidden in that pushchair,
Don’t you dare make a false move,
‘Cos we are here to scare!
Give us up a breadstick,
We’d even accept a sweet,
Any you can be on your way,
Unhindered down our street!”

Depression in an Automobile!

Posted on June 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My wifes’ car is begin particularly instructive at the moment. Yesterday it suddenly announced that I needed further instruction before we set off on a journey. My challenge was to depress the brake pedal, quite a task when it’s a non-thinking inanimate object…

‘Depress brake pedal to start’ it read,
“Your mother was a Swedish drain cover,” I said,
“Your father was an old North Sea ferry,
Your sister part of a vat, used for sherry!
Your cousins were the wheels on a railway wagon,
Your Grandpa a cart, melted by a dragon!”
Still it was not feeling depressed
So I gave up, I’d tried my best!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
New! – Video from the bootsale 17/5/14!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbIERPYokho
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Pavement Racer!

Posted on June 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I was strolling through a town centre when I heard the unmistakable sound of protesting tyres. Pedestrians leapt for their lives as the turbo-charged grandma came into view. Her walker, aerodynamic and sleek was being pushed to the very limit as she sped through the pedestrian centre; here was a pensioner on a mission…

Nan’s a pavement racer,
She races into town,
Her wheels squeal on the corners,
As she takes pedestrians down!

PCSO’s can’t catch her,
Constables have tried,
A traffic warden once said to halt,
Was taken for a ride!

She’s the scourge of Sainsbury’s
And of Tesco too,
Get in her way and she may,
Make mincemeat of you!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: June 2014