Another Wet Saturday Morning in Baldock!

Posted on July 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s always difficult to know whether to open the bootsale when the forecast is bad. What if they are wrong and it ends up as a sunny morning? What if I open and everyone’s goods get wet? Will the buyers come? I’m wrong if I do…

I’m wrong if I open and wrong if I don’t,
What if they come or what if they won’t?
I’ll open the gates and to hell with the rain,
It’s now falling hard will they come back again?
The sky over Baldock is black with clouds white,
Some folk are wrong when others are right!
Most customers have gone and here comes the sun,
I wore my new T Shirt and the colours have run.
So it’s back to the farm and the end of the rhyme,
You can’t please all people all of the time!

Two young ladies from the TV production company betty, turned up at the Baldock Bootsale this morning. They are looking for people to appear in the third series of the hit TV show ‘Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners’. If you think you fit the bill and would like to appear, get in touch with them on 02079070892 or e-mail clean@betty.co.uk

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Matt the Happy Fisherman!

Posted on July 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I came across a remarkable scene. Friend Matt was lying stretched out in his small dingy, megaphone in hand, talking to the fish in the river. I quietly snuck away and called for help, I had no idea that communication with fish was possible…

A fisherman I know has a birthday today,
He’s tall and quiet, not much to say!
He has a skill that may astonish:
He is able to talk to fish!
Out in his boat with a megaphone,
They seem unable to use the phone!
He shouts quite loud so it appears,
Because of course they have no ears!
He splashes the water to take a look,
“Get ready my beauties to take my hook!”
Of fish on his plate there’s a lack,
Because of course he throws them back.
After spending many hours with hook and bait,
An Indian take-away is on his plate!

Happy Birthday to Matt, ‘The Happy Fisherman!’

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Dating Woes of a Common Maidenfly!

Posted on July 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I took a photo the other day of what I thought was a mini-dragonfly. Typically I was wrong, it was a Maiden Fly! I knew nothing about them until a search engine told me they were useless at dating…

Once a Maiden Fly,
On a leaf did alight,
She sat there for a while,
She wasn’t very bright!
She thought to herself,
I’ve gotta find a mate,
I could go find a bar,
Before it gets too late!
I could go abroad,
With a group from work,
Magaluf or Ibiza,
Would be a fancy perk!
She spent so much time,
Deciding where to go,
She ended up a maiden,
And was snapped up by a crow!

Busy Diggers!

Posted on July 16, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There has never been a better time to own a digger! Everywhere you look buildings are being torn down to make way for new homes. However nobody seems to have given much thought to where the incomers will work, where their children will learn, or how the services (gas water electricity) will cope with the extra demand. It doesn’t seem to matter so long as the diggers are busy…

Out with the old
In with the new
that old warehouse
is spoiling the view!

We’ll erect a new houses
or a nice block of flats
charge fantastic rents
to foreign ex-pats!

And then in a while
to a different town
start building again
and rip this lot down!

Putting Baldock on the Map!

Posted on July 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I always used to believe that there was only one Baldock in the world. Not being high on the list of my discoveries in life, it floated in and out of sight for years. The other day a search for a weather forecast produced a list of available Baldocks! I was shocked at the number and variety of locations that shared the name. The same night it appeared on our local forecast (a very rare event), a sign that I should search…

We used to say “where’s Willy?”
And look in a crowd so hard,
Have you ever wondered where Baldock is?
And how close to your back yard?

There’s Baldock, a town in England,
And one in South Carolina,
An island and lake in Manitoba,
Not where you’d find a miner!

There’s a Baldock Airport in Kansas,
With a chapel in Kentucky,
A ditch and stream flow through Oregon,
Next to a Baldock tree?

There’s an historical post office in Kentucky,
But the furthest away I can tell,
Is about six hundred miles north of Perth,
And they call it Baldock Well!

Football Crazy Football Mad!

Posted on July 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Like millions of households last night we watched the World Cup Final. The football became a backdrop to a wonderful evening of good food, good company and good wine! In fact a perfect evening where the only volume control was on the TV…

With friends last night I sat down to see,
The World Cup Final upon TV!
I’m not a real football fan,
Overpaid prima-donnas to a man!
Everyone had watched the Brazilian game,
And was expecting Germany to play the same!
Diving, skiving, seeing players floored,
I’m afraid even the dog was bored.
However the goal, when it finally came,
Reminded us sometimes it’s a beautiful game!

Some Folks Are Never Satisfied!

Posted on July 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

One of the joys of life is that we have no idea what is on the menu for tomorrow. This is probably a very good thing! Yesterday morning I thought I was ahead of the game and started to have a relaxing Friday. Little did I know…

Sitting in the office, contemplating playing Patience,
When there was a call, my father was now a patient.
Was about to leave, make a rush to A&E,
When I notice my beloved I-Phone, had no signal I could see.
I spoke to ‘customer service’ my patience sorely tested,
Wishing I’d checked before, not left my phone untested!
Arrived at the hospital, to hear lots of complaining,
About time wasted waiting, even though outside it’s raining!
A disgruntled poorly patient complains for all to hear,
“I’m not going in any waiting room this side of next year!”
I suggested that he enjoyed, this remarkable stroke of luck,
That he wasn’t in America, where first they ask for buck!
And then and only then, would treatment start,
Where here they are already, monitoring his heart!
So here’s to the NHS, of which we oft complain,
If you don’t like it, tough, you should go and catch a plane!

Written in the A&E department of a local hospital where all I could hear was complaining, while all around doctors and nurses dashed too and fro treating the sick. We should be thankful for the availability of treatment for all, provided by the NHS.

The Loneliness of the Long Distance Swimmer!

Posted on July 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

When most people want to visit France their travel arrangements are straightforward. Options include plane, train or automobile. Not friend Charlotte! For the last year she has been in training to swim the English Chanel from Dover to Calais. What started as a bullet point on her bucket list is about to come to fruition in the next few weeks. Last night I watched as she did some drink training off a narrow boat in the River Great Ouse in Cambridgeshire. Her mother, Sheila, swung the bottle on a rope while onlookers watched the almost comical act that is so vital during the many lonely hours of a channel swim…
Charlotte is on her way to France,
stroke by stroke will she advance.
She’s swum many hours in Dover Harbour,
The thought of waves doesn’t dampen her ardour!
Her little yellow cap bobs on the water,
Her mother throws drink at her daughter!
Very soon it’ll be for real,
Dover Beach might seem surreal,
And ‘plop’ into the water she’ll dive,
The last touch of land ‘till the other side.
Many hours later she’ll be a winner,
And know the loneliness of the long distance swimmer!
If you want to know how and why go to: http://www.chchch.co.uk
If you would like to donate to her worthy causes and help her on her way: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/CharlotteBenton
GO CHARLOTTE!

Ode to Chocolate!

Posted on July 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Of all the food I like to eat,
Chocolate is a special treat!
Good in pud or in a bar,
It’s my favourite food by far!
This simple thought makes me smile
As I mosey down the Chocolate aisle.

May you live in interesting times!

Posted on July 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It is alleged that Confucius said ‘May you live in interesting times.’ Nobody said whether this was a threat or a promise! Last night Mrs Bard and I changed TV channel just in time to see Germany score a World Cup goal against Brazil. Ten minutes later, having watched a further four hit the back of the Brazilian net, we sat open-mouthed and stunned. How many of you checked the score this morning to check you hadn’t been dreaming…

Brazil one, Germany seven,
(Could very well have been eleven!)
“May you live in interesting times!”
Disbelief can disrupt sometimes.
The shock defeat of the age,
Will footballers go back to minimum wage?
Will everything we know be different now?
Leave us shocked and wondering how.
Will politicians start to tell the truth
And everything work via Bluetooth?
Will traffic wardens forget to fine,
Supermarkets saying: “pay next time!”
Who knows what the future might bring,
We may even see Charles as King?
Thoughts of change makes me feel ill,
What if England could beat Brazil?

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: July 2014