The Missing Keys!

Posted on August 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day my keys went missing. At the same time I was looking after my twenty-two-month-old granddaughter. At first I refused to believe that the two events were linked. However as time passed she became the prime suspect…

I’ve lost my keys,
Where can they be?
I’m sure I had,
Them here with me!

I came indoors,
I had them then,
I went back out,
To feed the hen!

I went upstairs,
Granddaughter to bed,
For morning nap,
and story read!

I cleared her toys,
From the floor,
Didn’t have keys,
Anymore!

Made a coffee,
Tried to think,
Even looked,
In the sink!

From the basket,
Musical noise!
She’d hidden keys,
beneath her toys!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Orphan Jar!

Posted on August 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you find that guests leave the most extraordinary items behind after a visit? We had some friends to stay who brought their own coffee with them as we have only full-strength on offer. When they had gone, we discovered an orphan in the kitchen…

The cases were packed,
And put in the car,
Off on their journey.
To destination far!

Back in the kitchen,
“Don’t forget me!”
A now-orphaned jar,
of decaff-coffee!

“Don’t leave me here,
Please just wait,
They don’t like my sort
I’m left to my fate!”

Then from the corner,
A small voice like her,
“Come here and join me,”
said the artificial sweet-ner!

I never complain when guests leave things behind as it means they had a good time and will be returning! (even when their host has soaked them with water! see:http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=5905)

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

JCB Loadall Ice Bucket Challenge!

Posted on August 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening on the farm we did an Ice Bucket Challenge. Using a JCB Loadall and bucket we took up the challenge set by a JCB dealer in the USA! It is a sign of our times that trends grow (and recede) in the flash of an eye. Who knows what will be popular next week…

Have you done an Ice Bucket Challenge,
And been soaked to the skin?
Have you then thought of others,
You’d like to see wet (with a grin!)
Last night four adventurous souls,
Stood in a field on the farm,
The JCB bucket was brimmed,
Which was rather a cause for alarm!
Suddenly the water was tumbling
As out of the bucket it poured
Thank heavens it was for charity
A complete soaking ensured!

Congratulations to Siân, Sian, Rhodri and Laura for their bravery!
To see full video, go to Facebook: Simon Holtom

The Freight Train!

Posted on August 26, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

What do you think of as you sit at a level crossing? Is your imagination at all touched by the train as it passes? The other day I sat waiting for a freight train to cross and my idiot mind ran amuck…

The long freight train goes ‘Clickety-clack’
As it winds its way down the long straight track,
Today it carries many tons of gravel,
From the quarry it will slowly travel.
I often wonder if the driver prefers,
Carrying freight as opposed to hims and hers!
There’s no need to shout “Mind the doors!”
Or put up with “Driver!” from commuter bores.
As it crossed the crossing I had to refrain,
From asking if I could drive the train!

Alternative Medicine!

Posted on August 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Has anyone suggested an alternative treatment to a condition you have? Perhaps someone has passed on a treatment that their grandmother swore by, like rubbing a wart-affected finger on a pig’s back on the first Tuesday of the month? I am using such a treatment with mixed results…

I woke up in the middle of the night,
A pain in my back wasn’t right.
I tried to turn without a squawk,
I was lying on a champagne cork!
Now you might think sympathy I beg,
But I’ve been getting cramp in my leg.
“Clutch a champagne cork in your sleep
Your nights rest will be complete!”
If you want your cramp to go away
Open some champagne this Bank Holiday!

Does it work?
No idea, although I awake still clutching the cork like a lifebelt from the Titanic!

The Reluctant Riser!

Posted on August 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning I wanted to turn off the alarm, turn over and go back to sleep. It has been a busy fortnight harvesting and cultivating and my get-up-and-go was lying broken under the warm duvet. I lay there, realised that a couple of thousand people are relying on me to open two green gates and leapt out of bed…

Five-past five Saturday morning,
I stretch out my arm,
and attempt to curtail,
the bleedin’ alarm.
Still sleeping peacefully,
two dogs and my wife,
I want to turn over,
Continue dream life!

Dream life is peaceful,
Dream life is calm,
but dream life is stolen,
by the alarm.
In dream life you’re perfect,
incredibly wealthy,
in real life more important,
to be fit and healthy!

So up with the lark,
It’s dawn anyway,
out to the world,
To salute a new day!
New people to meet,
Some dark and some pale,
Laughter and fun,
at the Baldock Boot Sale.

Harvest Home 2014!

Posted on August 22, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

So that was Harvest 2014! A mixed bag in anyone’s books. On this farm wonderfully early with average yields. However in some fields: disastrous outputs caused by choking of the wheat by a weed called Blackgrass. As our weed-killing armoury is restricted further and further by legislation in the UK, but not always abroad, we will have to consider the way forward very carefully. However harvest is over, time to prepare for the next one…

Harvest is over
We all shed a sigh,
Life shifts down a gear
No more dust in the eye!

The earliest harvest,
I’ve known for some years.
We got it all in,
Despite rainy fears.

The final disaster,
A blocked-up conveyor,
Beans spilt everywhere,
Irritating delayer!

But all is not finished,
For any farm men,
As now we prepare,
To start planting again!

The Last Lap of Harvest 2014!

Posted on August 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We are racing the weather fronts again, as we dash to get all the beans from the field into the shed. In the store the beans are so noisy on their journey that noise-cancelling headphones are the order of the day (and Health & Safety requirement!). But from the road the scene is one of tranquility and harmony as the sun sets on another harvest…

There’s something about a combine,
That draws the ‘ooh’s and the aaah’s!’
Commuters back from the office,
Drive past in their company cars!

They don’t see the dust,
They don’t hear the noise,
But swoon at the machinery,
Like grown-up little boys!

Unwelcome Visitors!

Posted on August 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We have been plagued with very large wasps for the last few weeks. The unwanted lodgers had moved in to the farmhouse via the high outside attic door. Despite several reminders to ‘sort the situation’, it remained unsorted until an ultimatum was posted. Swift action followed…

For quite some time (two months or more),
Large wasps have buzzed through the attic door.
Now being rather a coward of late,
I’ve been loath to investigate.
But recently we’ve had these pests,
Join us at mealtimes as unwanted guests.
Slowly they’d buzz around the room,
Chased by newspaper, magazine or broom!
“If you don’t do something about them today,
Then in the house alone you’ll stay!”
When this wifely threat in my ear rings,
I got on to Bugs ‘N’ Things!
Out they came, the nest attacked,
Very soon hornets bags were packed!
If you have unwanted guests give them a ring,
It’s much less painful than a Hornet sting!

Bugs ‘N’ Things operate in Bedfordshire, Hertfordshire, Essex, Northamptonshire, Buckinghamshire, Oxfordshire, Leicestershire and across London. http://www.bugsnthings.co.uk

The Four-Legged Thief!

Posted on August 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I’m afraid I have to admit that my terrier is a thief. Unfortunately if she were dragged in front of the judiciary the newspapers would report that: ‘the defendant showed no remorse’. Maybe it is in her upbringing and I am at fault, or maybe because she comes from the Fens…

Where oh where can my sandwiches be?
I made them fresh with chicken you see.
I then added a layer of salad cream,
They have vanished, must have been a dream

Where oh where can my biscuits be?
I was to have mid-morning with my flask of tea,
A couple were chocolate and three were plain,
I don’t suppose I’ll see them again!

Where oh where has that terrier gone?
I’ve been in the garden and shouted “Come on!”
Then I spy an abandoned packet of crisps
and there she sits licking her lips!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: August 2014