The ‘Musical’ Toy!

Posted on August 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday my daughter was very brave, I was child monitor for the day! Even though I say it myself, I was very well behaved. Just one occasion where a chocolate biscuit was used as a bribe, she tasted my attempt at cooking lunch and ate most of it and we shopped for everyone supper without including chips! However it was when my charge had left that the ‘fun’ started…

Looking after granddaughter yesterday,
She had many toys out to play,
When she’d gone I tidied up,
and had just sat down with a ‘relieving cup’,
When all of a sudden music was heard,
From deep in the basket, quite absurd!
What was making this dreadful noise?
How could anyone sell such tuneless toys?
There was silence when I started to look,
Was it a toy or a musical book?
I emptied the basket out to no avail,
Under the pile it started to wail.
I made a grab down nearest the wall
It was the first thing I found, a ‘musical’ ball!
So if a friend you wish to annoy,
Buy their child a musical toy!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
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Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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The Bucket of Coffee!

Posted on August 16, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It would seem that recently some words have changed their meaning. Take the word ‘large’ for instance. It used to be just greater than small. In the past if you ordered a large portion of chips, it would probably have been less than half as much again as a small. With the increase in food/drink outlets ‘large’ seems to have taken on a new meaning…

I stopped for a coffee last Thursday,
Was in desperate need of a hit,
I couldn’t see the wood for the trees,
And was descending deep in the sh*t!
I asked for a large black coffee,
Something to wake me right up,
When it came I couldn’t believe it,
Was a bucket disguised as a cup!
But the time I had emptied the contents,
Was flying as high as a kite,
I was wired like a three-pin wall-socket,
Didn’t sleep at all the next night!
I’ll restrict the use of the ‘L’ word,
From now on I’ll ask for a ‘small’
And so I’m not taken for a glutton,
I won’t ask for a ‘large’ at all!

The Tractor Drivers Mate!

Posted on August 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s those little improvements in life that you seldom notice that make the greatest impact. Spending hours on the tractor at the moment makes tractor drivers reliant on a vacuum flask. They have improved beyond all recognition: Gone are the cold dregs at teatime, the insipid taste of stale drink or the death-rattle of a dropped flask. The modern flasks are such an improvement it’s hard to remember the old times…

Beside me on the tractor,
Keeping me company all day long,
My vacuum flask is silver,
And it’s very strong!
I used to go through flasks,
Almost by the week,
They’d break if you dropped them,
The glass inside was weak.
And then you’d have to shake them,
Just to check they’d broke,
you’d get a coffee/glass rattle
Like a percussion shakey-bloke!
But now they never let you down,
Indestructible is their name,
They hold so much coffee,
Got to stop the tractor again!

Plough Followers!

Posted on August 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I spent yesterday ploughing a field at the far end of the farm. It wasn’t long before I had company – a flock of seagulls. Many years ago I worked with a ploughman who hated them and would have ploughed them all in if he could. I like to see them, their variety alleviates the boredom of up and down, up and down, hour after hour at 4mph…

Watching seagulls follow the plough,
I sat back to wonder how,
They found the field with no communication,
Or indeed satellite navigation!
They squawk so I can’t say they tweet,
Which as a line would be quite neat!
They don’t have fingers to give you ‘the bird’,
And have no text to spread the word.
All I can say (and I could be wrong),
It took just minutes before they came along.
They don’t stare or perch in trees,
but steal seaside chips from OAP’s!
Some maintain they’re airborne rats,
Who frighten children, dogs and cats!
But all of this is forgotten now,
As I watch seagulls chase the plough!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Give a man a Fish (and feed him for a day!)…

Posted on August 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I am fed up with time-wasting sales calls. However at least they can be dealt with in the appropriate manner. What is more disturbing is the rise in offensive E-mail phishing.
Recently I had no less than seven results for a blood test I’d never had. The ‘doctors’ (Dr Livingston Samuel, Dr Avery Carly, Dr Griffin Sylvia, Dr Puckett Palmer, Dr Boyd Mamie, Dr Welch Houston and Dr Harmon Claudia), all suggested I had cancer. Had I been awaiting real results, this news might have caused real trauma and stress. It is time to stop the callous bastards behind these scams. Unfortunately there is no political will to act because we have such slovenly and useless politicians. Somewhere, money is being well spent in training computer skills…

Give a man a fish,
and feed him for a day,
He may just stay moderate,
not fight the USA!

But teach him how to phish,
With all computer skills,
You’ll feed him for a lifetime,
as he sells fake erectile pills!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Back To Smarties!

Posted on August 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I bought a tube of Smarties for what must be the first time since my daughter was at primary school. In the intervening twenty-odd years much has changed. Gone is the round tube with its collectable coloured and lettered plastic top. As for the contents of the new unimaginative colapsible hexagonal package…

Whatever’s happened to Smarties
I heard myself refrain
They say they’re the best taste
Yet they don’t taste the same

Their taste is unexciting
Colour no longer six
They are almost bad enough
To be sold from ‘Pick and Mix’

I know that I’m an oldie
And oldies must complain
But bring back original Smarties
This change is just a shame!

Remains of the (American) Day!

Posted on August 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Today the UK has been hit by the remains of Hurricane Bertha. An American friend e-mailed a photo taken in Portland US yesterday which showed a multi-forked lightening strike near a well-known local monument. We battened down the hatches in preparation for some American left-overs…

The remains of Hurricane Bertha
Have been around today
Rain and hail with lightening
Strong winds have made trees sway!
But this time lacked Michael Fish
(On Utube you can play)
In Ninety-Seven he forecasted:
“No hurricane on its way!”
Hurricane Bertha picture from Portland. Maine, USA. Unknown Photographer.

Karma Gets Its Man!

Posted on August 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes it amazes me the sights you see in town. Just because someone has a shiny new car with personalised plate, it seems to give them authority over us mere onlookers! Sometimes however Karma catches up with them…

I’ve a fancy soft-top car,
I call everybody ‘Mate’
I parked it on the pavement
I was running late!
It blocked the entrance to a shop
Ambulance couldn’t get through
And when I finally returned
The tow truck had been too!

Charlotte and the Waves!

Posted on August 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning, while we were all tucked up safely in our warm beds, friend Charlotte stepped into the sea near Dover. Just after 8pm last night she briefly stepped onto French soil. This is a massive achievement that most mortals would not even contemplate. The word ‘respect’ seems inadequate…

Dolly the horse spoke to Buzz the Spaniel,
“My mummy’s just swum the English Channel”
Buzz, not wishing to sound absurd,
“Are you sure that ‘Channel’ is a word?”
Dolly replied “it’s like a pond,
That stretches to Hatfield and beyond,
You enter the water at Dover Beach,
And swim until France you reach!
She’ll be back home very soon,
Can’t wait to see her I’m over the moon!
I’ll wait until there is no crowd,
Giver her a bite and tell her I’m proud!”

If you are able, please help to top up the fantastic amount that Charlotte has raised for charity. Please visit www.chchch.co.uk and give what you can spare in honour of this massive achievement. http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/CharlotteBenton

Old Age Awaits us All!

Posted on August 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

While waiting in a car park the other day I was enjoying a spot of people-spotting. An old lady was making her way along the pavement. I realised that as a society we ignore the elderly and treat them like pariahs rather than former wealth-creators. Invisibility is their only reward…

I sit on the bed to put on my socks
I can no longer touch my toes
My toenails are now like rhino horn
That’s how old age goes

I need my specs to find my specs
The truth the mirror shows
I hope my eyesight doesn’t improve
That’s how old age goes!

My legs are next to useless
Now a burden I suppose
Some used to find them attractive
That’s how old age goes

My teeth I drown in a mug at night
Iced over when it snows
Can’t afford to pay for heating
That’s how old age goes!

My friends have predeceased me
I’ve buried all my foes
I’ve no one left who knows me
That’s how old age goes!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: August 2014