The Magic Instrument of Calm!

Posted on September 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Whenever we are stressed and things aren’t going our way, we who reside on this island reach for a magic instrument of calm, the kettle! From first thing in the morning to last thing at night, it is our comforter and protector from all that threatens us…

“I’ll stick the kettle on, shall I?”
Is often heard in soaps,
when bad news is the subject,
That’s dashed all faith and hopes.

Thus it is in real life,
When stress comes our way,
Just have a cup of tea,
It’ll magically go away!

You’ve been awake half the night,
Your pillow’s on the floor,
You fancy a cuppa,
So you’ll toss and turn no more!

It may just be an illusion,
When you get that soothing hit,
You seem to be much calmer,
And not so deep in the…!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18^th
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Vantage Point!

Posted on September 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

You can always tell grandparents these days, they are the ones in a town during the week with babies and toddlers in tow! This may seem like a negative. In my case it’s a great positive, having a generational gap between possible combatants increases harmony! However the space taken up by car seats is another matter…

There’s a car seat on the back seat,
‘Iso-fixed’ in place,
To not have the safest,
Would be an sheer disgrace!
There are crisps in the lining,
A child’s beaker on the seat,
The dogs are waiting hopefully,
For a discarded treat!
But when the seat is empty,
The grandchild has gone home,
It becomes a vantage point,
To allow dogs eyes to roam!

*Before anyone suggests that the picture was taken whilst I was driving, Mrs Bard was at the wheel and I used the reverse camera on my i-phone to take the picture from the passenger seat!

The Magic Shop!

Posted on September 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day in Fortuneswell, on the Island of Portland in Dorset, I came across an interesting shop window. I was instantly hooked and marveled at the clever artistry. The further I looked into the shop, the more I wanted to buy…

There’s a magic shop down Dorset way,
Will sell strange items if you pay.
They’ve got great big buckets of steam,
And chocolate tea pots fit for a Queen!
Cordless extension-leads for your DIY,
And tartan paint to confuse the eye!
They’ve large sky-hooks to lift trees and logs,
And elbow grease for the toughest jobs!
There are strong glass hammers to crack a nut,
Dyson hoover bags remove any muck!
Best of all to avoid all scandals,
Top of the window Ronnie Barker’s Fork Handles!

Thank-you to the artist for making me stare in wonder and want to buy.
If Carlsberg painted shopfronts…

Mobile Mayhem!

Posted on September 26, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This has been not a great week for mobile phones. The much-heralded i-phone 6 has been found to bend into another shape, lose signal and not respond to upgrades. My ordinary mobile that I keep for the car boot sale enquiries has also been playing up and I feared for its future…

I have an ordinary mobile phone,
That I keep for the bootsale.
I also find it useful,
Should my i-phone ever fail!
This week I found it had a fault,
As no calls were received,
Just messages from a week ago,
Which left me most aggrieved!
This morning in a fit of pique,
I turned the damn thing off,
I turned it on from frozen,
And woke it with a cough!
So narrowly has it avoided the bin,
In the nick of time,
That I promise to treat it better,
Until of course next time!

Good hedges making good neighbours!

Posted on September 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There is an old countryside saying here in the UK: “Good hedges make for good neighbours!” Yesterday I gave a neighbour a hand with trimming his hedge. Luckily we were able to get up close and personal with the cherry-picker cage on our JCB Loadall. After some Health and Safety assessment and advice we tackled the hedge…

“Buzz buzz buzz” goes the hedge trimmer,
as the tall hedge gets thinner and thinner!
Up in the cage to ease the clipping,
safer than a ladder with no chance of slipping.
The neighbour hoisted high above the ground
shouts down: “Look what I have just found!”
Rusty shears had grown into a branch,
Where someone gave up on the final tranche!
As we got further from the floor,
The thicker branches need the chainsaw!
Until most of the hedge was gone you see
And we adjourned inside for tea!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18^thWith more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Fine-Looking Villian!

Posted on September 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On Saturday evening by the coast, I captured a picture of this gull. When I showed it to those I was with, opinion was sharply divided. Those who live near the coast vilified, whereas those who lived inland had no real opinion. To me they are the only company, apart from the radio, that I get while ploughing. I think he is a rather fine-looking villain…

Sidney the Seagull looked out to sea,
He stood on a railing and said, “look at me!
I wouldn’t mind chips washed down with a drink,
Or a scampi and chips, what do you think?”
When there came no suitable reply,
He took off and bombed from the sky!

The Big Hungry Fish!

Posted on September 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Staying with friends in Portland on the South Coast of Dorset, I noticed a pair of rather attractive dishes on the bedside tables in my room. They were handmade in Greece, possibly by former Euro-currency traders, now potters, all called Zorba. Not knowing why, I took a couple of snaps and ‘Hey-Presto’ here they are…

A little fish was swimming,
in the water against the tide,
A large fish called out to him:
“Come here for a ride!”

The little fish responded:
“I think I’ll swim beneath,
Because I’m rather wary
of your great big teeth!”

“My teeth are made for smiling,
My teeth are made to grin,
I’m really not that hungry,
You’re welcome to come in!”

Just as he was speaking,
His big mouth open wide,
A hook from the surface,
Lodged itself inside!

It just goes to show,
(If you are a fish)
What you end up getting,
Is not always what you wish!

You too can stay in this charming Dorset house!: http://www.homeaway.co.uk/p1171249?cid=SM_Facebook_slideshow_T_LPROP&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=propertyslideshow

When Fish Float By!

Posted on September 22, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been in someone else’s room and suddenly found yourself in shock? I was staying with some friends at the weekend when suddenly I found myself wondering just where I was. I knew I was in a cellar-room but was the view from the window an illusion? Just how deep was the subterranean room? There were more questions than answers…

Sitting in the smallest room,
On a pristine throne,
Pondering the meaning of life,
Peaceful and all alone.
I looked up from my thought process,
The morning light was dim,
Did my eyes deceive me?
Was I out on a limb?
Fish were swimming past,
On a coral reef,
It was just a sticker,
I discovered with relief.
But it made me think,
How cruel some hosts can be,
After a night with drink!

It’s Called Progress!

Posted on September 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I unloaded thirty-eight tonnes of fertiliser (ready for next Spring) without breaking into a sweat. Twenty-five years ago fertilizer came in 50kg bags on a pallet. Unloading from the lorry was easy but loading into the spreader was by hand. Going back to my father’s day the unloading of the lorry, onto the trailer and into the spreader was all by hand. How times have changed…
Our fertilizer used to be
In twenty bags to the ton
And we loaded into the spreader
By hand one by one!
Now it comes in big bags
So easy to lift a tonne
We now just pull a lever,
Without sweat the job is done!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18^th
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

They Think It’s Over…!

Posted on September 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

At last the referendum is over, until the next time! We still have a United Kingdom, the moon is still up there, tigers didn’t escape from the zoo and blue and white is now yesterday’s colour. So back to normal chaps, as quick as you can…

Moving swiftly on,
It’s back to normal,
I knew yesterday,
I’m paranormal!

It’s time for the news,
To turn away,
And point their cameras,
Another way!

And those in Whitehall,
Will decide,
How to tell Scotland,
They lied about the bribe!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: September 2014