Rosie Sitting!

Posted on October 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I are Rosie-sitting for some friends who’ve gone on holiday. The other night I awoke to find her standing on Mrs Bard’s slumbering form re-enacting the famous pose from The Lion King. We have now hidden the dvd remote so we can’t be accused of corrupting one so young…

Rosie the Terrier has come to stay,
While her humans have gone away!
They have gone on an aeroplane,
To an island just off Spain!
She has grabbed a comfy chair,
You can move her if you dare!
When she arrived her eating was slow,
Add two other terriers now watch her go!
She’s not used to country sounds,
An owl hoots, behind the door she bounds!
When asleep you should hear her snore,
She’s a deeper ‘voice’ than a wild boar!
If a stranger comes around,
Rosie barks like an enormous hound!
Come next week when her humans show,
We’ll be real sorry to see her go!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Deep in the Fertilizer!

Posted on October 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a law that applies to much of what we do in life. It’s called ‘Sod’s Law of Probability’ and it states that: ‘If something can go wrong, it will go wrong!’ Yesterday morning bright and early, I took delivery of a load of fertilizer in one-tonne bags. I didn’t spear a bag with the JCB Loadall, I didn’t drop a single bag and the pile is still standing (3 miracles in a row!). However the driver of the lorry was having a different day. Having told me that he was ahead of schedule, his problems started…

I unloaded the bags,
And stacked them away,
Without a problem,
T’was a lucky Wednesday!
“Do you have wind?”
The driver enquired,
I wasn’t upset,
His wheel was flat-tyred!
“It looks like a flat,”
I offered advice,
Fine in a town,
On a farm isn’t nice!
I unraveled the pipe,
Started the compressor,
“I’ll need 140lbs!”
He said, meaning pressure!
When the flat tyre,
was up from the ground,
He bid me farewell,
With a slight hissing sound!
I hope he arrived safely,
At his next port of call,
Having taken Sod’s Law
Far beyond the farm wall!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Joy of (someone else’s) Pigs!

Posted on October 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I took my granddaughter to a proper farm! OK, I jest, we left our farm to visit to a farm in a local town that has animals. I’ve always been critical of these ‘farms’ in the past, however I now have to retract everything I’ve ever said about them as I had great fun. It was wonderful, for instance, to see pigs (the last pig left our farm over twenty years ago!), without the attached work, attendant smelly clothes and weekend duties! However some visitors were not so used to the antics they bring to the farmyard…

Pepa the pig reared up in her stall,
An horrific squeal she let out!
A passing visitor almost collapsed,
in an effort to get the hell out!
With foam at her mouth, evil sharp teeth displayed,
Pepa looked frightening large and obese,
But once she had food, she was docile and calm,
And the piggery returned to peace!

http://www.standalonefarm.com gets my vote as the perfect place to take children of any age (and adults too)!

In Praise of the Humble Cucumber!

Posted on October 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Some years ago, Mrs Bard grew some cucumbers in our small greenhouse. She lovingly watered, fed and cared for them. When they were ready to pick, one by one they disappeared. When there was just one remaining she kept watch at the window. She was about to give up her vigil when she spied the culprit. Our cat had crept into the greenhouse and was chomping on the remaining cucumber. If it happens now we blame our granddaughter who is equally as fond of them as the cat all those years ago…

There’s nothing like cucumber,
If you’re standing in a queue,
Maybe at the airport,
On the way to Timbucktoo!

They also enjoy cucumber,
In Sandwich down in Kent,
They are so very fond of it,
They say it’s heaven sent!

You’ll always find cucumber,
When you have tea at the Ritz,
It goes so well with Earl Grey,
Better than any biscuits!

Let’s hear it for the cucumber,
It makes a salad green,
Between two sheets of soft white bread
It’s fit for a noble Queen!

Carpe Diem!

Posted on October 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I had another birthday. Thinking about this, I suddenly thought how much our being here depends on luck, fortune and circumstance. Had our mothers decided; ‘not tonight dear!’ or if our fathers had been late back from work and too tired, then we’d probably have missed out! Another thought involved chances taken and lost over the years…

You don’t know the good times ‘till they’re gone,
Maybe these are good times?
We could be wrong!
Carpe Diem,
Seize the day!
Tomorrow Today,
Will be Yesterday!
We don’t know the good times ‘till they’re gone!

With my very best wishes for a Very Happy Monday!

Ayesha and Marlee – The Wedding!

Posted on October 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There comes a time in life when all sorts of events serve to highlight the ageing process. One particular event is the marriage of your children’s friends. You know their age, however there is a part of your shrinking brain that still sees them as the age you first knew them! Yesterday (ten-year-old!) Ayesha was married to Marlee on the island of Malta…

Ayesha Visram,
went forth to the altar,
With fiancée Marlee,
on the Island of Malta.
They were wed,
At the Raddison Blu,
Looking over the sea,
Where they said “Yes I do!”

Miss Visram’s missed school,
For her wedding day,
The children all miss her,
As she is away.
Soon after half-term,
She’ll return heaven-sent,
They’ll find that Miss Visram,
Is now Mrs Dent!

Many congratulations to Ayesha and Marlee.
May happiness, love and joy be yours always.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Wheelmarks Across The Land!

Posted on October 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I had a phone call from a neighbour reporting a worrying incident. Apparently someone had driven across some recently-drilled wheat in a straight line until they reached the top of the hill, at which point they chose a diagonal line towards a hole in the hedge. They then turned the vehicle around and returned. I had to agree that this was strange behavior…

“Someone’s driven across your field,
In a Four-by-Four!
They got in through a hole in the hedge,
No wheel marks were there before!”
T’was very muddy where they turned,
At the top of the field,
Will the crop recover,
Or will you lose some yield!”

“That sounds terrible,”
I had to agree,
Didn’t have the heart to say,
The driver – that was me!
During the call,
I withheld a laugh,
I had only been reinstating,
An in-crop local path!

The Joys of Tillage!

Posted on October 22, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was speaking to a neighbouring farmer the other night and he said, “There’s something very satisfying about tilling the soil.” I have to admit that up to that moment I’d never considered cultivation as being ‘satisfying’ as we’re normally up against the clock or the weather and have no time to consider its merits…

I was ploughing the other day,
Before the Hurricane came our way.
For a while I listened to Radio Two,
Then looked around for something to do!
I wasn’t entirely concentrating
In places it looked like rotavating!
The real problem was that it showed,
The very worst ploughing can be seen from the road!

The Bird Watchers!

Posted on October 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was enjoying a quiet walk around the farm the other day with my dog. I was calling my faithful hound when suddenly somebody shouted, ‘ssssssssh!’ It was a twitcher and apparently I’m supposed to be deadly quiet when walking on my own land well away from the footpath. This is in case some busy-body trespasser is watching tweety-birds. Needless to say I was not amused and suggested a storage place for his tripod…

Porky and Panda are Twitchers,
They search for the rarest bird,
They’re sometimes economical with the truth,
Use Photoshop I’ve heard!
However last week they scored a hit,
Saw a bird that’s oh-so rare,
Nobody believes they saw it,
“It’s the truth, I saw it, I swear!”
So now they carry a camera,
Tripods, binoculars too,
And if you challenge their sightings,
They’ll tell you noisily to ‘Shoo!”

The photo is merely a serving suggestion, not in any way related to bird-watching, but a couple of innocent surveyors mapping out the route of a new motorway near Slough.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Free Gift!

Posted on October 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was shopping yesterday when a magazine caught my eye. Inside the plastic covering was a wonderful FREE GIFT! Despite being the worlds worst cook I just had to buy it. When I returned home I complained that the spatula had made me do it…

I bought my wife a spatula,
The magazine with it was free,
She was impressed with the recipes,
The utensil was just for me!

I wanted to use the spatula,
To clear cake mix from the bowl,
The finished cake was much smaller,
Had become a mini Swiss Roll!

When my mother used to do baking,
I’d always stay very near,
In order not to waste mixture,
It would end up from mouth to ear!

What will happen in future?
With no free gift on the net,
We’ll have to use our fingers,
In a way we might yet forget!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: October 2014