Monthly Archives: November 2014

Tea Tasting!

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T TastingEarlier this week on Sky News Sunrise, a tea taster, resplendent in a special tea-taster’s apron, was talking to Eamonn Holmes. Apparently the tasters tongue is insured for £1m (should give Eamonn something to consider!). According to Master Blender Sebastian Michaelis (who works for Tetley), there are four qualities he looks for in a tea: zing, colour, sparkle and body. Yesterday I shoveled thirty tons of oats, forgetting that twenty years ago it was manageable, but since I’m now well past my prime…

Oh good heavens I ache all over,
Like a MOT-failed Vauxhall Nova!
After shoveling oats I’ve lost my zing
My colour’s wasted, not charming!
I lost my sparkle years ago,
As for my body – you don’t want to know!
All I need to reconstitute me,
Is a revitalising cup of tasty tea!

…or multiple organ/body-part transplants!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Black Friday (on a Thursday in Letchworth!)

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Lidl LWe seem to be growing ever-fonder of American imports. It will only be a matter of time before we too celebrate Thanksgiving! This year Black Friday has arrived in style. It seems that every second e-mail is inviting us to enjoy the sort of discounts that used to be reserved for the January Sales. Yesterday a local town was gridlocked as a discount store re-opened its doors after extension and refurbishment…

Lidl is back in Letchworth!
All roads led to the store.
The welcome back was overwhelming,
Queues stretched to the door!
Santa in the car park,
Bacon rolls for the day,
A Town Crier in full uniform,
Shouting “Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah!”
Despite the packed out aisles,
Grabbing bargains without fail,
Good-humoured staff manned the checkouts,
At the Lidl Grand-Prix sale!
Lidl L2As a farmer it’s good to see this, not only in the pictures, but reflected in the aisles.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
 Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Under The Weather!

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GermsFor the past few days I’ve been under the weather and it has not been pleasant. Symptoms have been so varied that diagnosis has been nigh on impossible. However, thanks to on-line-help, I feel I may be getting closer to the truth. Being a farmer provides many more options…

I felt so bad, was then I knew,
I was suffering from Man Flu!
Symptoms have ranged from bad to worse,
Until they even affected my verse!
Then my wife called me a pig,
T’was Swine Flu ‘cos my nose is big!
I quite fancied a Chinese meal,
Must be Asian flu that I feel.
From my throat a feather grew,
Was then I diagnosed I had Bird Flu!
But then I realised because I’m old,
It’s nothing more than the Common Cold!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Husky Voices!

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HuskiesThe other day I came across four bored Huskies in a local market square. It was a mild day and they were suffering from irritable howl syndrome. Their leader spoke for them all…

Four bored huskies,
Waiting on the square,
“Where has our human gone,
Can’t see him anywhere!
We are all rebellious,
Impatient we all grow,
Because the weather is too warm,
No sign of ice or snow!
Just over there,
Is a shop that sells warm bread,
Can’t see a sign,
Of a store that sells a sled!
We are having,
Impatience overload,
May just take this bench
For a run down the road!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

 

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The Farmer’s Frosty Morning Friend!

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Jump LeadsYesterday morning was one of the coldest so far this winter. The tractor that was parked in the barn, blocking all other machines, refused to start. I felt the same and was tempted to attach the jump leads to my terminals to kick-start my day! However it looked somewhat painful so I connected them to the tractor battery and prayed…

Rhur-rhur-rhur-click-click-click!
The tractor won’t start and I feel sick.
The frost outside is hard and white,
Should have charged the battery overnight.
I attach the leads and cross my fingers,
and rue the doubt that still lingers.
Up into the cab and turn the key,
The engine roars that’ll suit me!
A good set of jump leads – the farmer’s friend,
If only life’s problems were as easy to mend!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Milky Bar Kid!

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Milky Bar KidGrandparents are put upon this earth for one purpose. They may be old, they may creak and need constant repeats when spoken to, but their real purpose is known by grandchildren the world over. They were invented to spoil grandchildren.  Unfortunately some mothers think they are the first generation to produce children…

The grandparents bribe of choice,
Up and down the land,
A bar of white chocolate,
No evidence on hand!
“Did you have a nice time,
With Grandpa here today,
Would you like to come back,
Tomorrow morning to play?”

Grandpa loosens his collar,
Beads of sweat upon his brow,
Praying that his grandchild,
Doesn’t tell her mother how,
She had a bar after breakfast,
And two this afternoon,
The advantage of white chocolate,
“Your mum might be back soon!”

It’s all a case of forgetfulness,
Today’s mothers have erased,
Memories of their childhood,
In their Milky Bar Kid days!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Mr Shovel and Mrs Brush!

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Shovel & BrushYesterday I treated myself to a new plastic shovel. The old one was badly worn and as there were only two loads of wheat left to go, I had much shoveling in front of me! What a pleasure it was to use a new implement! It just shows how much excitement is in my life…

When Mr Shovel was shoveling wheat,
He confessed his life was not complete,
What he needed was a lady love,
A sole-mate when no wheat to shove!

I went into the shed next door,
Forgetting a purchase I’d made before,
I was excited with what was there,
A lady broom with purple hair!

Mr Shovel spied the broom,
Pushed me aside, “Give me room!”
And bowing his handle away from me,
Said “Hello Gorgeous, marry me!”

They were wed after a break,
The service conducted by a Tarmac rake!
Who said “do you take this brush for a wife?”
The shovel said, “Do I? You bet your life!”

For quite a few months they swept together,
Clearing the floors and oh! so clever,
Then one day (after romantic mush!),
They gave birth to a dustpan and brush!
…and they lived happily ever after!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Magic Gloves!

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Magic GlovesIn a shop recently, I came across a pair of magic gloves. As they were far too small for me (even though I would have loved a pair of magic gloves), I bought them for my granddaughter. I’m not sure what type of magic is involved I wait to see…

I’ve a pair of magic gloves!
I wear them every day,
On a frosty morning,
Cold hands go away!
I wore them in the playground,
I wore them in the street,
All my friends were envious,
They said my gloves were neat!

…I’ve also got a bright red scarf,
I only wear it for a laugh!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Chocolate Heist!

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Chocolate plateFor millions of us, reports that supplies of chocolate may be threatened by the year 2020 has come as a severe shock. This could well lead to civil unrest as the silent majority take to the streets, hijacking confectionery vans and removing sweets from toddlers. Jewellery shop owners will heave a sigh of relief as sweet shops install bullet-proof windows, grids on the doors and employ security guards…

I’ve heard there’s to be a delivery,
At the back of the chocolate shop,
We’ve got ourselves a cunning plan,
To force the delivery to stop!

The armored van will turn up early,
The guards will open up the door,
We will rush in and tie them up,
Leave them trussed upon the floor!

Then we will grab the chocolate,
Put it all in a great big bag,
Rush right out of the sweet shop,
To the getaway Jag!

There is just one small problem,
When our hideout we reach,
There will be no chocolate left
And I’ll be left like a whale on the beach!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Trouble in my Attic!

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Loft LadderI’ve been having trouble with my waterworks. This has forced me to spend time in solitary confinement in the attic. However remembering stuff when you are aged and have a leak is not easy…

I went up to the attic to fix a leak,
To complete a job that had waited a week.
When I arrived at the dripping site,
I’d forgotten the tools to put things right!
I climbed down the ladder onto the landing,
There were no tools where I was standing.
So down the stairs once again,
Outside by now it was pouring with rain.
I needed a coffee to quench my thirst,
But checked my emails on the laptop first.
A special offer caught my eye,
So onto a website (a toolbox to buy!)
Back to the kitchen where the door needed oiling,
Someone had left the kettle boiling!
Then upstairs to relieve my aching bladder,
Who left this tall extending ladder?
Went to flush the WC,
There was no water, oh dearie me!
Luckily the ladder was already in place
So I could go up to the dark loft space!
Tripped over the stopcock that was shut,
Whoever turned it off must be a mutt!
I told myself it couldn’t be me,
Because of my perfect memory!
I suddenly had this sinking feeling,
…just as the water dripped through the ceiling!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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