Monthly Archives: January 2015

Ungrateful Ducks!

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Snow DucksWhen I looked out of the window this morning our motley collection of ducks were marching across the field for their breakfast. I remembered that I’d left a tasty selection of sweepings in the forklift bucket. I would like think they were grateful but their thanks were sparse…

“Quack, Qrack, Qack!
Where’s our bloody food?
We’ve marched across six bloody times,
We could say something rude!
What do you call this offering?
Odd selection of grains and dust,
Actually it’s quite tasty,
We’ll eat it if we must!
You can go now if you wish,
But let’s give you a warning,
We won’t put up with lateness,
Of breakfast tomorrow morning!”

During this cold weather please remember to put out scraps for your garden birds. They’ll be more grateful than our ducks, I promise you!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Stereotypes!

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sheepdogYesterday I had a telephone conference with a stereotypical pariah, who turned out to be extremely helpful and pleasant. It led me to consider how easy it is to take part in mass criticism and tar everyone with a ‘one-size-fits-all’ brush. Can you guess his occupation (answer at the end)…

All farmers are millionaires,
They drive around all day,
Shouting out instructions,
Never fling a bale of hay!
They always have a collie,
Who barks when folk walk by,
They’re always pleading poverty,
It’s enough to make you cry!
They’re always dressed in tweed,
Shoot anything that flies,
To open up their wallet,
With a crowbar prise!
They grub up all the hedgerows
Their face is always tanned,
They scream at any walkers:
“Get orf my ‘effin land!”

To Mike, my new Lloyds Bank manager and all those before him.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Stranger Danger?

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Stranger DangerWhen did we become a nation that is suspicious of all strangers? We have always had a history of being a ‘welcoming society’… Or have we? On my way out of the farm yesterday I turned onto the main road and very soon passed a man walking up the road in the opposite direction (an unusual sight this far from town). With thoughts of at least a ransacked house streaming through my head I turned around and headed back. Hiding behind a hedge I was relieved to watch the lone walker pass by…

There’s a stranger walking by,
I’m sure he’s up to no good,
He may be about to ransack the house,
Or steal a load of wood!
Or perhaps he just out for a stroll,
Taking in fresh air,
He’s actually doing no harm at all,
As far as I’m aware!

Should I have acted differently?
Offered a cup of tea?
Or should I man the barricades,
In case he a wrong’un be?

Perhaps it’s time we all gave strangers some benefit of the doubt and stopped being driven by startling stories in the media?

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Joys of Communication (and Old Age!)

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phoneI realised the other day, while walking down the street, that I’ve become a M.O.B. (Miserable Old Bar-Steward). A group of teenagers sat in the sunshine and all were using their smartphones. “Huh!” I said to myself (muttering in public being one of the early symptoms), “I bet they’re ‘talking’ to each other!” I continued my slow journey to the library muttering about “the youth of today!” Later on I recognized with horror that I had turned into my father. It’s time I was put out to pasture…

Oh! The joys of a mobile phone,
(Or whatever they’re called now!)
We must be in touch all of the time,
At home or on the plough!
Whatever did we do in olden days,
A phone box did we seek?
Didn’t care about connectivity,
And sulk in a fit of pique!

Do you remember talking,
When you went out for a meal?
Brains were used instead of Google,
Today crosswords are hardly real!
Groups of teenagers snap-chatting away,
(To the ones they’re standing beside!)
Leaves you wondering where it will end,
If conversation has finally died!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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It’s All Greek To Me!

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Greek MoneySo the Greeks have been to the ballot box and voted to give Angela Merkel and the rest of the EU the finger! What happens next? It’s a scenario that could only happen in a southern European country, where working hours are tradionally short and lunch is long. Northern Europeans have never understood the Southerners. If the truth be known, they could have possibly been slightly jealous of their ‘devil may care’ attitude!. Thirty years ago commentators were discussing a ‘two-tier Europe’, perhaps the time has arrived…

The Greeks went to the Ballot box,
With austerity they didn’t agree,
Said to Europe, “Get off our backs,
There’ll be no payback, see!”

Ceremonial guards do the goose-step,
Tourists watch with glee!
Domestica and Retsina by the glass,
They’re desperate to pee!

Taramasalata and Pitta bread,
Overlooking the sea?
Fakelaki backhanders greasing palms,
There’s nothing here for free!

Billions donated by Europe?
Austerity, generations may see,
I don’t understand the problem,
It’s all Greek to me!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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A ‘Bridal’ Lunch in Ireland!

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Ireland BedsMrs Bard and I went shopping yesterday to the up and coming metropolis of Biggleswade! Mrs Bard had mislaid her wedding ring. Having not bought the original I offered to buy her a new one to tide her over until her family heirloom resurfaced from its safe hiding place. Finding just the thing in the exclusive part of a catalogue store, I thought I’d better celebrate the event by taking her out to lunch! So we drove to Ireland and had a wonderful meal before driving home…

There’s a new wedding ring, on my wife’s finger today,
(Nearly 36 years, since I last said ‘Oh Yeah!’)
The assistant looked up, there were tears in her eyes,
“Not many marry here, it’s quite a surprise!”
There was no vicar, no friends in a pew,
And I quite forgot, to say ‘Yes I do!’
Out came the bank card, into the machine,
And she was my wife again, or was it a dream?
Mini-moon in Ireland, (to sate hunger and thirst!),
Ate three whole courses, thought my trousers would burst!
And then back to Baldock, the day trip was over,
I lit the fire and my bride snoozed on the sofa!

With thanks to the staff at the Black Horse, Ireland, Nr Shefford, Bedfordshire, for a truly superb lunch.
Why don’t you try something different by going to Ireland for lunch or dinner sometime?
www.blackhorseireland.com
Blackhorseireland pud© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Mr Pigeon’s Nightmare!

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scaremOn Wednesdaty I dragged Mrs Bard around the Lamma agricultural show at Peterborough. It was by and large an information-gathering exercise as well as a chance to see large shiny machinery (big boys toys!) I can neither afford nor justify. However one simple idea caught my eye. On our farm we have long since given up growing crops like oil-seed-rape and peas that pigeons destroy, so it was a case of admiring a wonderfully simple idea/product in action. It’s basically a kite, on a wire, on a pole…

You can fly it over many acres of OSR,
Or on an allotment if you have pigeons to bar!
If you’ve a problem with the neighbour’s cat,
Fly a Scarem and that could be that!
So all of you who in towns do dwell,
It could save your voice and flowerbeds as well!

…Only joking – we all just lurve cats!

Check out the Scarem kites at http://www.scarem.co.uk/
Brilliant, British and hated by pigeons everywhere!
scarem2

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
 
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

 

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The March of Time!

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LAMMAThere is a large agricultural machinery show taking place at Peterborough today and tomorrow called LAMMA. It showcases the latest and largest tractors, combines, sprayers and cultivators that money can buy. A generation ago, life was much simpler, the industry was simpler and tractors had no heating, air-conditioning or even cabs…

Here comes old Bert on his ‘new’ row-crop tractor,
Smiling fit to burst is that a great factor?
Life was much harder in so many ways,
What would he make of farming these days?
Milk cheaper than water in a bloody great store,
Kids who have everything and still yell for more!
Combines cost hundreds of thousands of pounds,
What farmers do decided by ‘them live in towns’.
Rules and regulation come in from abroad,
Government spend billions that we can’t afford.
Old Bert led a simple life, happy was he,
A hard day at work then home for his tea!

http://www.lammashow.com/
In memory of my Uncle Pat and all those who worked with him on a farm near Bishop’s Stortford in Hertfordshire. God bless them all. Without them I wouldn’t be here today.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Bottom Glasses!

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Scamming BastardsYesterday I was almost taken in by a scam E-mail. So well crafted was the fake site that I very nearly clicked on the ‘ENTER PERSONAL DETAILS AND LET US STEAL MONEY FROM YOU!’ hyperlink. It was only when running the cursor over the link that I noticed it was attempting to send me to: disneymansion.com/support that I realized Goofy was attempting to play tricks with me…

I’ve must get a pair of bottom glasses,
So I can see behind me in computer classes!
It’s become very apparent you can see,
That scammers, cleverer, are attempting to be,
In getting hold of personal details,
Their lookalike scams sometime derails.
So even if they’re from North Korea,
Let hope the Karma Fairy gives them Diarrhea!

…Or locks them into a theme park for a month/year until they go mad at the sight of cartoon characters with huge fiberglass heads and leaves them begging for food other than burgers and fries!
There are some nasty people hiding out there, take care today and always, they must not be allowed to succeed.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Back Pain!

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Fall OverI have spent much of the past week grumbling about my bad back. Now it is getting better I realise that although it hurt with movement, it was a minor inconvenience compared to the illness suffered with fortitude by by some. Apparently there is a phrase in common usage that applies to me: ‘Man Up!’. I resolve to enjoy my good health in future rather than complain about minor irritations…

Lying on the floor,
Looking at the ceiling,
I suddenly felt guilty,
About this most strange feeling!
I realised I didn’t ache,
No longer was in pain,
And very soon I’d be,
Back to normal again.
I suddenly felt lucky,
My illness had been sparse,
And the realisation dawned:
I was a pain in the arse!

Dedicated to all those who are ill this morning.
May you soon see comfort and relief from your pain and enjoy a Happy Monday.
With love from me.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above



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