Around Baldock With A Fridge!

Posted on February 27, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Some years ago, author Tony Hawks wrote the book, ‘Round Ireland with a Fridge’ where he travelled the Emerald Isle with a small fridge in tow! The other day I took an old fridge to the local tip. Alas it was closed on Tuesday and Wednesday, so the domestic appliance stayed in the car for two days. I became rather attached to it…

I’m driving around Baldock with a Refrigerator,
Will drop it off at the local tip later!
“Is that a fridge you’ve got there Mate?”
Is a phrase I’ve come to hate!
It’s been to Tesco, Sainsburys too,
It now wants to visit the zoo!
It’s joined me for a takeaway,
Wants to take tea at the Ritz one day!
Didn’t think much to the local park,
Or being left in the car when it was dark!
It then demanded a friend to play,
So I left it at the tip and drove away!

…the car seemed very empty and I was considering going to retrieve it until I found an old rusty barbecue!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Pan Pipes Play Abba!

Posted on February 26, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

While clearing out a shed yesterday I came across some musical gold. So surprised was I at the discovery that I had to immediately find a CD player and luxuriate in the melodies….

Pan pipes play Abba,
What a great fantastic treat!
It’s their greatest achievement,
One they never will repeat!
Played in lifts and lobbies,
Hotel music par excellence,
I believe unique in chart history,
Even top ten over in France?
So alerting all musical collectors,
Who may be lacking this CD,
I’ll put it to one side,
And you can bin it just for me!

Before anyone questions my musical integrity, No! it wasn’t mine, I believe it must have arrived amongst the rubbish from the car boot sales. Please believe me!

When I Am Old I will Not Wear Purple!

Posted on February 25, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When I am old I will not wear purple – I shall have a mobility scooter instead! Everyone better watch out when this bad-tempered pensioner takes to the streets or more importantly, the supermarket! It won’t be long…

I was minding my own business,
Shopping in a far-off town,
When all of a sudden from nowhere,
A scooter ran me down!
Now I’m not complaining,
That some folk need these things,
But suddenly their size has grown,
Next they will have wings!
I picked myself up from the floor,
My shock didn’t linger,
The next thing that the pensioner did,
He gave me the finger!
I just can’t wait,
Until my turn arrives,
I’ll arm it like a chariot,
Watch folk run for their lives!

It should be noted that the charioteer in the picture is just a serving suggestion and not the guilty party!
With apologies to the famous poet Jenny Joseph for paraphrasing her wonderful poem’s title. ‘When I am an old woman I shall wear purple’ is one of my all-time favourite poems.

Chicken Manure!

Posted on February 24, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I do love shopping at discount stores, you never know what you’re going to find. Many years ago I worked on a chicken farm. Every so often we used to clear out the chicken muck from the large sheds. It was an aroma-filled job that used to clear chesty coughs and colds…

Many many years ago,
Into muck-filled sheds I’d go,
The air was filled with a pungent perfume,
Replaced by clean shavings very soon!
We shifted many tons of muck,
(not a job with any luck!),
Never thought I’d ever see,
Bags in a shop – get one free!

Ernest’s Underwear!

Posted on February 23, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

While shopping in M&S recently I watched a very ernest man of a certain age carefully place his purchases on the belt at the checkout. My immediate, rather uncharitable thought, was: ‘I hope mummy reminded him to put his vest on this morning!’ My second guess was correct, he did indeed have a small leather horseshoe-shaped purse…

Ernest shops in M&S,
Mummy told hIm for success:
“Always wear clean underwear
In case taken ill when you’re out there!”

“You will never be embarrassed
Whether London, Rome or indeed Paris!”
So Ernest always tries his best,
To wear clean pants and pristine vest!

Occasionally Ernest gets a date,
They see his vest and it’s too late!
They can’t look at his white tummy,
So quite content he returns to mummy!

With many apologies to Ernest’s everywhere!
English to American English translation: ‘Pants’ in this context mean knickers not trousers! However ‘Ernest’ would never say knickers without breaking into a nervous tittering girlie-giggle! His mother would not approve of such frivolous language!

Artistic Conundrums!

Posted on February 21, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

As grandparent child minders, Mrs Bard and I are expected to be multi talented. In fact I would venture to suggest that our artistic prowess has improved so much that an exhibition could follow soon…

Vincent van Goch,
Had a cough,
Fell into a water trough.
Claude Monet,
Didn’t stay,
Left him for another day.
Henri Matisse,
Called the police,
Then ran off with Gaugin’s niece.
Francis Bacon,
Thought he was taken,
Dragged him out shiverin’ and shakin’!
Georgia O’Keefe,
Witnessed his grief,
And slid a blanket underneath.
Edward Hopper,
Was improper,
Thought that he would come a cropper.
Roy Lichtenstein,
Thought it time,
To open up a bottle of wine!

…what Jackson Pollock did, history mercifully doesn’t relate!
With apologies to artists everywhere.

A Blank Mind!

Posted on February 18, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes in the early morning I can whip up a poem easier than a cup-a-soup. I put the granules into the cup, add hot water before sitting back and before I know it there is a warm ode on the screen. This morning – nothing…

I’ve been waiting now for quite some time,
To wake up one morning without a rhyme!
A mind that’s blank,
Without an ode,
This morning that’s how my brain go’d!
So just in case you think something’s wrong,
A random picture of a swan!
What is it thinking? I have a hunch,
It might be going out for lunch!

Have a great Wednesday!

Feeding The Fire!

Posted on February 17, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I chopped some wood for the farmhouse wood burner. It was neither stressful nor did it carry much sense of achievement. The axe stayed firmly in my imagination along with a woodsman from many years ago…

The woodsman goes into the forest,
Axe slung over his shoulder.
His wife dressed in hessian,
Clutching a babe-in-arms,
Waves from the woodland cottage door,
A wisp of smoke escapes from the chimney.
They are almost out of logs.
He fells the tree with mighty swings of the axe,
By nightfall he wearily carries home an armful of warmth for his family,
Job done.

The woodshed is almost empty,
I fetch the JCB tractor from the barn and attach the log splitter.
The large bucket is attached to the JCB Loadall.
Sections of matured tree trunk are bought into the barn (it’s raining!).
No sweat will be needed here, the machine never grunts!
Within the hour over a ton of logs are in the bucket.
A slight sweat is raised when throwing logs into the woodshed,
Job done.
…Which would you prefer: The pastoral or the modern?

The Hycrack log splitter can be seen in action on Youtube : www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFQMIu63efo

My Dirty Habit!

Posted on February 16, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Apparently, according to a recent article, being a man, I am 85 percent more likely to indulge in ‘a dirty habit’ than a woman. My heinous crime? Reading in the loo! I am guilty as charged and await my punishment…

Whilst sat in the smallest room at home,
I commit a crime (amongst women unknown!)
I use the time to imbibe information,
From magazines of every nation!
Arable Farmer or Canal Boat too,
Or an interesting blog from Timbucktu!
A book on my Kindle will suit just fine,
Or a magazine that reviews red wine!
I sit there daily, not uniquely,
All engrossed in Farmers Weekly!
Am I ashamed, not a bit,
I think I might just learn to knit!

Frank The Purple Dinosaur’s Valentine!

Posted on February 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Today is St Valentine’s Day. Millions of people around the world will buy flowers, chocolates and champagne in the hope of attracting love. Sometimes love needs a bit of help, especially if you are a purple dinosaur…

Frank the Purple Dinosaur,
Thought it most unfair,
That he had purple skin,
Wasn’t getting anywhere!
Every Friday,
Come wind or rain or hail,
He took the bus to Baldock,
In love he’d always fail.

But today he’s been rewarded,
A card through his door at eight,
From Betty the Pink Plegasaurus,
Could they have a date?
She’s been looking at his profile,
She likes his manly chest,
When you’re a purple dinosaur,
Computer dating’s best!

With thanks to my two-year-old granddaughter for her help in painting the picture of Frank the Purple Dinosaur!
Wishing you all a very Happy Valentines Day!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: February 2015