The Bunch of Daffs!

Posted on March 17, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There is something very reassuring about daffodils. They are rather like that one friend who always smiles and is cheerful despite whatever is going on in his/her life. They bounce into your life and always say nice things about you, bring the right bottle of wine and dance as if nobody’s watching! No wonder a certain poet was so enthusiastic…

I wandered lonely as a cloud…
That floats on high over Basildon!
Where all at once I saw a crowd,
They’d lost 7-1 to Billericay Town!
In the second half, on their knees,
No-one looking very pleased.
On the way home the manager said:
“I’ll buy some Daffs, then go to bed!”

With apologies and commiserations to fans, players and staff at Basildon Town FC, better luck next time. Apologies also to W. Wordsworth and all his supporters. Anyone who has been affected by the contents this programme can contact our helpline, details will follow after the credits.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Congestion and Indigestion!

Posted on March 16, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

A weekend guest was held up in traffic on Friday afternoon. Apparently the cause was an horrific accident. It made me consider the last time I was in heavy traffic, it wasn’t pleasant but when I passed the cause I realised you don’t have to look far to find somebody worse off…

The traffic’s bad and you feel that it may snow,
Your nose is blocked and you need a damn good blow.
The man in the car behind picks his nose,
When the motorway halts that’s when time slow-goes!

The traffic report says the road is clear,
The car’s spent ten minutes out of gear!
The ETA on the satnav is advancing,
And you feel like doing some naked tarmac dancing!

Then at last the traffic begins to move,
Your sense of humour slowly begins to improve,
You pass the accident that’s been shunted away,
And say a quiet prayer: “Thank heavens it wasn’t me today”.

Sheep By Proxy!

Posted on March 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This week over one hundred wooly-coated grass-eaters arrived on the farm. They look wonderful in the parkland by the wood. However I am bathing in reflective glory as they aren’t mine! I have no worries about foot rot, fluke worm or bloat, to me they are simply attractive wallpaper! All I need to do is occasionally count them but I never seem to get past thirty before I need a nap…

The very best sheep,
Are those you don’t own,
But graze the grass,
Outside your home!
Their sing-song ‘baas’,
From behind the fence,
Aesthetically pleasing,
Doesn’t cause offence!
A simple wave,
To their Landrovered owner,
“Any problems,
Of course I will phone-yer!”
So I’ve sheep by proxy,
Reflected glory,
Without the work,
Or anything gory!
So if you notice,
I’m carrying a crook,
It’s just because,
Its the seasonal look!
When they leave,
I may just pine,
But with relief,
That they’re not mine!

With thanks to Rob for the wooly wallpaper!

The Wimp Goes Hunter Gathering!

Posted on March 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I was never much good at History when I was at school. I always believed it to be this week’s best, or at least most plausible, take on past times, tainted by modern ideology. There is a theory that apparently suggests that ancient farmers started off as wimpy, stay-at-home, mummy’s skirt-clutchers, whilst macho big-brothers went off hunter-gathering. This week I’ve been doing some hunter-gathering for a change…

I went to fetch the cultivator,
From its hibernation place,
I noticed some tines were broken,
And the points were a disgrace!
I had a quick ring round,
Alas none to be had,
“I’m afraid they’re on back-order,
The situation’s bad!”

So I ventured from the caveside,
Trusty hound by my side,
Harnessed the Mitsubishi,
A nice day for a ride!
Doug, a kindly Biggleswader,
Behind the counter at ABA,
Sourced everything I needed,
And sent me on my way!

So if you’re afraid of leaving your cave,
And venturing beyond the hill,
Visit Doug at Biggleswade,
For a hunting-gathering thrill!

Many thanks to Doug who went well beyond the call of duty and wore out his computer mouse locating and securing the parts I needed. Everyone needs a Doug on their side when hunter-gathering!
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Lucky Chimney Sweeps!

Posted on March 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Luck comes in all shapes and sizes! This week I’ve discovered that Julie Andrews was right when, as Mary Poppins, she sang “A Sweep is as lucky as lucky can be!” For some time our Aga cooker has not been working properly. Aga repair man and magician, Duncan, was considering coming to stay on a permanent basis. We came to the conclusion that the fault lay within our chimney. Our usual sweep had retired so we stepped into the unknown, went online and trusted to luck…

Oh heaven’s above what can we do,
We need a chimney sweep to sort out our flue!
We went online, ‘sweeping services’ looking,
Mrs Bard is cross, she can’t do any cooking!
Mr Daniels and Gareth arrived on the scene,
They looked the real deal their faces weren’t too clean!
Out with the rods, the power vacuum too,
And as quick as a flash the first chimney like new!
Then to the kitchen, this was a different matter,
Sticks from nests soon descended with a clatter!
They cleaned up all the mess and thus proved to me,
A Sweep is as lucky as lucky can be!

The moral of the tale is twofold: Money spent on a good quality chimneyguard is money never wasted and a Smiling-Sweep is more than worth his weight in gold!
*Also available at http://www.chimneysweep.info/

Wasted Young Lives – Again

Posted on March 10, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Six months before my son was killed in a traffic accident I wrote this verse. It lay forgotten in a file until this morning. This weekend saw yet more young lives lost. According to the press one of the drivers had only passed his test a few days before he died. News like this transports our family back to Februray 12th 2003. When will the carnage and wasted young lives stop?

Blue flashing lights announce the show.

“Roll Up, Roll Up for the greatest free show in town.”
“Slow Down, Slow Down so you can look around”
“The more you slow, the more you’ll know.”
“That’s right Sir, just enjoy the show!”

Fluorescent coats surround a crumpled car.
There is no need to hurry now as time ran out with the road.
The rookie fireman turns retching onto the grass unprepared for what he sees.
A policeman wipes away a single tear, he’s seen it often before.

The traffic slows in mock respect, to pry on private scenes.
“Don’t look now children!” says the father as he slows the car to get a better view.
Others look upon the scene with scorn, it could never happen to them, while with protesting tyres they narrowly avoid hitting the car in front.
Traffic builds up in the other direction, they have further to look.

Photographs are taken, not of weddings or births, christenings or celebrations, but of twisted agony.
“Smile Please” has no place here.
Paperwork will turn tragic waste into a statistic.
Young bodies lie side by side under a blanket: their passion, heartbeats and racing pulses idle.

The show is over.

Policemen knock on distant doors with dread.
A mother wails “No, No, No” while her husband lays a gentle hand on her shoulder and thanks the officer for a thankless task.
A father curses the day he lent his son the deposit for a first car.
A sister lies weeping in her room, time a-plenty to regret last words never spoken.

The only remaining stains at the scene are skid marks that point to a broken fence and damaged tree, no bandage for this injury.
Flowers appear, a shrine to youthful inexperience, a mark of family grief for others to glance at while speeding on their way muttering:
“That could never happen to me”.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Watery Weekend Terriers!

Posted on March 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I spent the weekend on a narrow-boat. Our terriers seemed to like their watery weekend! They were very well behaved until it was time for bed…

Double decker warming, sitting by the fire,
The old dog’s below, the younger is higher!
The old dog then barks, as if there’s an intruder,
The younger starts to yap, is it time for food-er?
But when it’s finally time, to make up the bed,
One ends on the pillow, the other by my leg!
They don’t understand weekends it’s like any other day,
Come early morning, it’s ‘get up now we say!’
I struggle up to let them out so they can shake a leg,
I turn around twice, they’ve sneaked back to bed!

Man Holds Up Supermarket Checkout!

Posted on March 6, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Imagine the scene: It is a weekday afternoon, you’ve finished work, picked up two grumpy kids from school and entered ‘Mummies Hell’. That’s right, you are doing the shopping for the weekend. Finally your trolley is full, the job is done, when…

Upon reaching the checkout,
The final hurdle to climb,
You start to fill the conveyor belt,
Shopping done in record time!
The trolley’s finally empty,
You sort the bags for life,
But there is a hold-up,
A man without his wife!
He’s a-struggling and a-wrestling,
His shopping’s in a pile,
The carrier bags won’t open,
He may quite a while!
So you saunter over,
With that withering look you can,
“The reason you can’t open them,
Not your fault you’re a man!”

With thanks to the kind lady who opened some bags for me this week. Yes! I did notice ‘the look’ and Yes! I did concede it was a gender failing and Yes! I did laugh with the lady on the checkout at my failing – OK? And still I find I can’t open the ‘effin things!

The Journey to Work!

Posted on March 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There was a time when it was forecast that computers would spell the end of commuters! Judging by the daily stampede for the station, the prediction was wrong. Many people I know commute every day into the Capital, many like me walk a few yards to work. Sometimes the different tribes look at each other across the fence…

Packed into the carriage like sardines,
Off to the city they go,
Each commuter an island,
As they rattle too and fro!

Old Bill drives his tractor,
Practicing his craft,
Muttering to himself every day:
“And they thinks I is daft!”

Have a good day, wherever you are and however you got there!

Lions and Lambs in March!

Posted on March 4, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The weather in March can always be uncertain. The days are getting longer however it is a month of ‘two coats’. ‘Two coats’ is the difference between standing out of the wind in the sunshine and standing in the shade! It is also a month for lambs and lions…

Yesterday was a cold crispy morning,
Sunshine later, added some warming.
After lunch wouldn’t you know?
The sky grew dark and we had snow!
But this weather could be a sham,
March, In like a lion, out like a lamb!

…better get those barbecues ready for the end of the month!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: March 2015