A Valuable Lesson!

Posted on May 20, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

If you had read yesterday’s Bard-verse you’d have discovered that it was my wedding anniversary. Amongst other things, Mrs Bard gave me some soft-centered sweets to remind me of a night of shame. We’ve all had them, however mine was the night we met…

As many a young person is apt to do,
One night I had a drink or two!
It was my birthday, I’m ashamed to say,
And I had drunk the day away.
Late at night, collapsed over a wall,
I wasn’t feeling well at all!
I was dragged back to a student flat,
And in the morning there ‘she’ sat.
Feeling groggy I combed the streets,
In order to buy her special treats.
I’d bought her a box of New Berry Fruit,
Her face showed me, something’s don’t suit.
I’d learnt a lesson above all other,
Not all girls are like your mother!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

19th May 1979

Posted on May 19, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On the 19th of May 1979 I got married in a chapel in a little village in South Wales. I remember being surprised that anyone would want to become Mrs Bard and even more surprised when she said “I do!”. In the thirty-six years since then I remain surprised every anniversary when I wake and she’s still there. When people say “I wouldn’t change a thing” I know what they mean…

If someone asked me,
What’s the secret to life?
I’d say without hesitation:
A wonderful wife.

And if they asked,
What, a good partnership makes,
I’d say: Laugh, Love,
Give and Take.

…but most of all simple old-fashioned friendship!
Mrs Bard deserves a medal for putting up with me for all these years!

The Silver and the Blonde!

Posted on May 18, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I remember many years ago watching an old man climb out of a Rosso-red Ferrari in Baldock High Steet. As a late-teenager the young blonde passenger almost stole my envious glances away from the car! The other day I followed a silver Lamborghini into the town. I have often wanted to ask a young lady passenger: “and what attracted you to this 84 year-old, multi-billionaire” but of course the answer is obvious, the car…

The old man drives,
a silver Lamborghini,
Cruising the streets of Monaco,
to attract a slim bikini.
She’ll have to do as she’s told,
To be his ‘Little Queenie!’
She’ll be a Vodka with Red Bull,
To his old-man-stirred Martini!

… He’s welcome to it! Old farmers prefer large tractors and fat calves!

The Early Phone Call

Posted on May 16, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When you run an event that involves a phone number you have to be polite at all times. However this can be a tad difficult when a ‘Sir’ rings before daybreak! What I enjoy most of all is to be woken by a request for information about another boot sale miles away…

Good morning world
it’s a brand new day!
“Is your boot sale on today?”

“Good morning sir,
may I just say,
It’s ten past four on Saturday!”

“Is it on?
I need the facts,
before I leave for Halifax!”

“Goodbye sir
that’s nice to know
this is Baldock, now off you go! “

The pillow’s cold,
my wife’s awake,
might as well get up “For heaven’s sake!”

Please do call,
my fault my phone,
a personal service not answerphone!

Acquired at Auction!

Posted on May 15, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I called in on a local auction where they were disposing of all the fixtures, furnishings and stock of a local saddlery company following the death of its owners. It was sad to see the end of an era, however good to see such interest. Despite having an itchy nose, following a trip to the dentist, I came away without a purchase, however it could have been so different…

I went to a countryside auction,
I sat in the very last row.
The auctioneer spoke very quickly:
“Everything here has to go!”

I had this itch on my nose,
I’d been to the dentist you see,
Whenever I scratched the itch on my nose,
He put the lot down to me!

I bought a small wooden donkey,
A figurine perched on a base,
A couple of ladies sidesaddles,
Some hairnets and a large box of lace!

So if you go to an auction,
(You’ve seen Bargain Hunt on the TV!)
Sit on your hands looking down,
or you’ll end up with lots just like me!

Bayles Auctioneers hold regular auctions and are kind to new buyers and sellers!
They can be contacted at colinbayles@hotmail.com

Beautiful Bluebells!

Posted on May 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Walking around the farm with a measuring wheel gives an opportunity to see what is normally rushed by. At this time of year we are generally busy fertilizer spreading or working our way through paperwork and it is all too easy to miss the splendor of the woodland Bluebells apart from a blur of purple from the tractor seat. This year I was determined to take a closer look at the flower that is leading a poll as the nations favourite…

The Bluebell is the sweetest, of all the woodland flowers,
But picked and transported, it only lasts for hours.
It’s the woodlands Wilton carpet, a veritable purple haze,
Normally seen from a tractor seat on fertilizer days!
On its own, tiny bells, so delicate and petite,
A host of them is needed to make the scene complete.
So forget your wanderings ‘all lonely as a cloud,’
And shout out for Bluebells that make the Nation proud!

Wheely Good Exercise!

Posted on May 13, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This is a very fraught time on the farm. In order to satisfy EU and UK red tape we are in paperwork mode and deadlines loom. This means checking and rechecking that the areas of the farm are correct. So the measuring wheel comes to the fore and exercise is taken. Forget the gym membership, go measure a field…

I went for a walk with a Mr Wheel,
Not used to walking, you’ll know how I feel!
He trundled along at quite a pace,
I said “slow down, it’s not a race!”

But he kept on, his numbers counting,
I struggled to keep up, calories-used mounting!
After three field headlands, I was no longer brave,
Passing cars tooted, passengers waved!

With all this walking, I suddenly found,
My loosened trousers fell to the ground!
So please Mr Regulator, may I appeal?
If my figures are wrong, please blame the wheel!

So if you see a farmer ‘enjoying’ a brisk walk,
Please don’t interrupt him and try to talk,
Because he’ll be breathless, unable to speak,
I suggest you wave and try again next week!

Sally the Seagull

Posted on May 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Being from the landlocked county of Hertfordshire, I can never understand the venom with which seaside dwellers view seagulls. In our coastal-themed loo lives Sally the Wooden Seagull whose main purpose is to amuse our granddaughter while on the potty. This is accomplished with distinction earning Sally ‘The Grand Order of the Shell’ which she wears with pride…

Sally the seagull lives in the loo,
She has just one daily job to do!
Not from pensioners does she steal chips,
Or hang around landfill tips!
She sits under the basin all day long,
Once or twice breaking into song:

To the tune: ‘I do like to be beside the seaside’
“Oh I do like to be beside the toilet,
I do like to be beside the bog,
It’s just dynamite,
When the room smells not alright!
My mo-ther, was just a log!”

Remembrance Bells

Posted on May 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On Saturday at 11am we rang the two 15^th Century bells in our little village church to celebrate the 70^th anniversary of VE Day, the end of the Second World War. As I pulled on the rope with young Gabriel (in charge of ‘Dong’), I wondered what those who had sacrificed their lives would think of ours today. This made me pull harder…

I rang Ding,
Gabriel rang Dong,
The countryside echoed,
Ding Dong Ding Dong!

I wondered as we gripped,
the sallies with both hands,
Whether bells would ring,
In far-off foreign lands.

Then I thought,
Of deeds that had been done,
So Ding and Dong,
Could evermore be rung!

A Killer Strikes!

Posted on May 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

We are down from ten to two chickens and it’s our own fault. If we kept them locked up in a shed they’d have been safe, however we like to see them roaming around the farm as nature intended. The two remaining hens, Mrs Brown and Mrs Black (Mrs White’s head was found detached from her body along with the others including the ‘Tiptoe Twins’). They now stick together and wander around wondering where their friends have gone and if there are tastier scraps to be found there, while I prepare a surprise for the fox…

On our farm about a week ago,
A fox came calling and away did go,
Killed our chickens removed their heads,
Whilst they were sleeping in their beds.
Feathers scattered all around,
My favourite hens dead on the ground.
If that fox had wanted food,
I wouldn’t hate him or be rude.
If I’m late to the boot sale then you’ll know,
I’m no longer woken by the cockerel’s crow!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: May 2015