The Farmer’s Classroom!

Posted on June 17, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday a group of farmers came to the farm to have a farm walk and discuss complicated new regulations and possibilities concerning on-farm environment. Even though most attendees broadly agreeded with everything that was said about protecting the environment, I wondered if the same rules and regulations would be accepted by our European ‘partners’…

Farmers sit silently in a draughty shed,
Listening to yet more rules with dread,
In a government office a man named ‘Fred’,
Doesn’t think it important to have food or bread.

He’s never seen a farm except in Emmerdale,
Never been outside in snow, rain or hail,
He thinks only footballers are called ‘bale’,
“We’d just import food if farming were to fail”

They wouldn’t put up with this in Paris or Rome,
Driving tractors, around the streets they’d roam,
The police would then cover them all in foam,
They all know: “Fair Trade begins at home!”

With many thanks to those who spend their lives attempting to explaining the latest European/British dictats without much thanks or praise.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Missing Pen!

Posted on June 16, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

How often have you searched for a pen despite having recently bought a multi-pack? I am certain that at nights they play hide-and-seek and that those that win are still hiding come daybreak…

I’m sure I had a pen here today,
I remember using it yesterday.
When I find it I’ll make sure,
I’ll not lose it, or abuse it, anymore!
I’ve been looking for at least a minute,
I’m sure it’s around here, (innit?)
I’ll just get a new one from the drawer,
(before I find the missing pen on the floor!)

The Three Cormorants

Posted on June 15, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I saw a sight to anger any fisherman. Three cormorants were swimming down a river, line abreast, looking for their supper. These birds are natures finest fisherman, however they operate without any control or restraint. As a non-fisherman I was in awe of their skills…

Three bold fishermen,
all in a row,
fishing from mid-stream,
is all they know!
They don’t need a licence,
don’t need hooks,
all they have learnt,
is not from books!
But when they go fishing,
anyone can see,
of one thing they’re sure,
there’s always fish for tea!

The coarse fishing season starts tomorrow 16th of June here in the UK.

The Goth Moth!

Posted on June 13, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Continuing my clear up in time for next weeks guests on the farm (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=7054)I decided to strim the area around the barn where we are meeting. The meeting with the farmers is to discuss conservation and give them an opportunity to see our achievements here. However the strimmer refused to start…

The bloody strimmer refused to start,
I felt like a horse without a cart,
what will those farmers think of me?
thistles and nettles the first thing they’ll see!

Then I spied a little moth,
it’s back and red colouring decidedly ‘Goth’,
and all at once I realised,
this beautiful moth was my prize!

The little moth’s more valuable than I thought,
because it’s larvae eats poisonous ragwort.
So thanks to this little moth, black and red,
I’ve returned the strimmer to the shed!

For more info on this wonderful little ragwort-eater, Goggle ‘Cinnibar Moth’

The Road Sweeper!

Posted on June 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The road outside the farm has been resurfaced with tar and stone chippings. Many lorry-loads of stone arrived to be evenly spread on the tar. For some time most motorists using the road were unusualy cautious about speed for fear of slippage and windscreen or paintwork chips. Then along came the road-sweeper…

Like a bad-tempered tortoise,
it crawls down the road,
gathering road-stone,
to make up its load.

You hear it from a distance,
with a high-powered roar,
as if it’s walking bare-foot,
on a stone-covered floor.

But when it has gone,
motorists should shout ‘hooray’!
There’ll be less stone chips
in windscreens today!

Preparing for Guests!

Posted on June 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When you have guests do you fly around the house like a dervish noticing all those little things you wish you’d tidied/mended weeks ago? Next week we open our gates for three visits to the farm. Two are from a London school and one from a group of local farmers. I’m not sure which visit scares me the most – 30 seven and eight year-old school children or critical farmers who’ll judge as they walk. Tommy has been helping prepare…

Yesterday morning clearing the barn,
with each hour that passes, greater alarm!
Tommy busy tidying, “where shall I hide,
this old tyre – in the nettles outside?”
We’ve tidied up the tools, swept the floor,
we’re nearly out of time can do no more.
Both groups of visitors will asking probing questions,
And in some cases, offer useful suggestions!
Everywhere I look I see cause for complaint,
Weeds that are growing, doors that need paint!
“Please Mr Farmer, can we see some cows!”
“I wouldn’t have rust like that on any of my ploughs!”
It’s getting to the stage where I’ve run out of time,
They’ll just have to accept me…
and this well-used farm of mine!

Every farm needs a Tommy, up to retirement he worked here full time, now he helps in the garden and dispairs at my untidyness!

Parking with Mrs Smith!

Posted on June 10, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Very often on the Internet you see pictures of atrocious parking. I thought these were confined to ‘abroad’ and to the USA in particular. Until yesterday, when I drove into my own home town to be confronted by a home-grown version of extreme parking. So shocked was I that I just had to comment…

Mrs Smith has trouble parking,
some suggest that she is barking!
She approaches the space so fast you see,
one might think she drives a large lo-rr-y!

With squealing tyres she slides right in,
been known to use a litter bin,
to halt her progress as she goes,
and save pedestrians delicate toes!

Other drivers avoid her face,
when she is looking for a parking space,
most just turn and drive away,
don’t want to lose no-claims today!

She’s been rumbled by the council,
“Do you think you’re Nigel Mansell?”
one day soon there’ll be a fuss,
“Might it be time to take the bus?”

With apologies to any ‘Mrs Smith’ who may drive a red car, I use the name in a generic way and not about you or your gender.

Pressure Washing!

Posted on June 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I have long admired the poem ‘Not Waving But Drowning’ by Stevie Smith. Yesterday, while washing down a narrow boat, I tripped on the roof and nearly fell in the river. When I caught my breath I laughed with the thought of my waving being misinterpreted by those on the river bank. Not wishing to draw attention to my idiocy I had to write about someone else…

I watched someone wash a narrow boat,
Sixty-five feet long and thin,
He waved to me a greeting,
Over-balanced and then fell in!

He came up for air and waving,
Shouted to me once more,
But it was no fine greeting,
Instead I think he swore!

So I wished him well with swimming,
Taken aback by his evil frowning,
Thought as I walked on the towpath,
Was he waving to me or drowning?

Fire-pit Tales!

Posted on June 8, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

One of the great pleasures of early-summer evenings is sitting around a fire-pit after a good barbecue and telling tales. Recently, after a particularly good evening, something was left behind…

A group of friends sat round a fire-pit,
Late one summers eve,
Telling tales of daring-do,
Most that you wouldn’t believe.

As the bottles emptied,
And some began to fade,
A gentle trickle off to bed,
‘Till only one had stayed.

On the following morning,
Still sitting on his seat,
The old man shook his head and said,
“Did I fall asleep?”

Moss-Killer Not Required!

Posted on June 6, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Having lived in the same house for thirty-odd years, the concept of moving is alien to me. However, much to the relief of removal companies, cardboard box manufacturers and suppliers of that strange brown tape, others move with a frequency that leads to their entry in address books being in pencil…

Our friends are on the move again!
Somewhere that’ll be near the train.
The address change comes by internet,
Must make a note before I forget.
By relocating to a brand new town,
They’re trying to cut their contacts down?
They’ll have to try a little bit more,
To shake me off, I know the score!
They may be cunning but me-thinks,
I’ll invite myself to the house-warming drinks!

*Also, I happen to know of a rather good car boot sale where disposal of unwanted items can be of great pleasure to those who relocate!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: June 2015