Monthly Archives: January 2016

Milk, our daily miracle!

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MilkThese days we take so much for granted. In the main we care little where or how something was made or grown. Many years ago I worked on a dairy farm, I am embarrassed to say that I give very little appreciation to milk (normally only when the bottle is empty!). So this is for the dairy farmers from a simple ‘Arable Boy!’…

Milk is our daily miracle,
most of us agree,
we have it on our cornflakes,
We have it in our tea!

When I was a student,
one cow hated me,
she always was bad tempered,
her name was Marlene Three!
She’d always make a strike,
with her sh*ty tail,
then cover me with warm stuff,
her aim would never fail!

Here on our doorstep,
no milkman does arrive,
I get it from a shop,
not the parlour at half past five!

Many thanks to all those who are up way before the dawn to make sure my coffee and cereal is just the way I like it. And ‘Yes!’ I still miss Marlene Three!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Trouble with Rats!

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IMG_2629This winter has been so mild that the most unwanted pests on the farm have been prolific breeders. Their increased numbers have led to me buying ever greater quantities of ‘food’ for them. In desperation I have tried blue grain and blue pellets. Now pellets of a different kind have been brought to bear…

“Come and get it!” I shout in the yard,
if anyone saw me they’d be sure to laugh hard.
I have my bucket and my little green scoop,
as I search for evidence of collective rat poop!
What they don’t expect is Russell with gun,
armed with night-vision to spoil all their fun,
they don’t realise as vermin they play,
a small grey pellet is about to ruin their day.

As part of my traceability certification that I need to have (in order to sell crops), I have to have ‘rodent eradication policies’ in place. Thanks to Russell these are now working well! However I am shortly going on a course to learn about using rat bait (something I’ve been doing for over 40 years quite successfully). Without yet another certificate, I shall not be able to buy or use rat poison after April as ‘grandfather rights’ are due to be abolished. I suppose at least it keeps faceless desk-jockeys in work dreaming up ever-more dastardly restrictions! 

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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The Farm Breakdown!

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SocketsThere are few things more soul-destroying than when machines go wrong. They never seem to breakdown in the shed when they are resting, but always when you are up against it! Last night while moving linseed in the grain store things went wrong…

Break out the sockets,
hammer as well,
the grain’s stopped moving,
why? I can’t tell.
Down into the pit,
where grain has spilt,
the funnel’d part,
has quite a tilt.
Give it three clouts,
(and one for luck!)
t’was all my fault,
‘what a Schmuck!’

One of these days I might learn not to overload the system. Many years ago my old boss used to say: “Patience and perseverance can piddle a hole in a stone!” Should have listened to him.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


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It’s Monday!

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Hungry DucksThis morning is one of those typical mouldy winter days. Mild temperatures, raining hard and soft squidgy grass and fields. However cold weather is forecast so maybe winter is on its way…

It’s Monday,
it’s dull,
it’s raining,
in Hull?

But into every life,
a little rain must fall,
the ducks are at the trough,
look like a rugby maul.

In the next few days,
colder temperatures here,
for their breakfast,
the ducks will appear!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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A Case of Minor Flooding!

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floodingWe have a small flood on our land. A drainage pipe has broken and the rain water can’t get away to the ditch. Looking at it the other day, I couldn’t help but think of those from the North and Scotland who have acres under water. The media may have gone to stories new but the problems remain. You don’t have to look far to find someone who is worse off…

There’s a flood on the farm,
water on the ground,
but it’s not an emergency,
the cause is soonest found!
A drainage pipe is broken,
will be repaired when dry,
when the water has all soaked away,
underneath a warm blue sky!
But further to the North,
much land is now a lake,
the media now have now gone,
unseen chaos in their wake.

Please don’t forget both householders, businesses and farmers who have suffered so much over the Christmas period, we should count our blessings every day.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Struggles of a Town Decoration!

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Town LightsFrom today, the day after 12th Night, the Christmas Lights decorating Baldock will no longer shine. Very soon men with ladders will remove them from the buildings and the seasonal colours will disappear until next December…

Illuminated Santa will be removed from his perch,
on the side of the former Town Hall.
Children of all ages and stages,
will miss his luminary enthral.
He’s off to a warm hibernation,
in the back of a dry garden shed,
He’s miss any snow and fierce weather,
and return next winter ever-red!
But some decorations will not make it,
Forced to retire by something new,
And those that are chosen to re-hang,
will utter one word – simply ‘Phew!’

Grateful thanks to the Rotary Club of Baldock who give of their time and donations to ensure that Baldock sparkles every Christmas.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Ninja Slipper Routine!

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Ninja SlippersHaving recently passed my three-score-years, I find that nocturnal bladder-relief is my nightly burden. I creep out of bed, using my watch illumination as a guide and cross the ancient creaking floorboards to the bathroom. Sometimes I’m more ninja-successful than others…

The elderly slippered-ninja makes his way,
Across the landing before break of day.
Alone towards the toilet creeping like a mouse,
To avoid awakening others in the house!
He knows each floorboard that creaks or groans,
Avoids going to stay in other people’s homes,
On the way back to bed a ghost like screeching,
The dogs squeaky toy destroys best ninja creeping!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


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Aussie Tucker!

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TuckerYesterday while shopping I spied some tucker from Down-Under! It certainly looked good in the picture on the packet and I was sorely tempted, but I’ve heard that kangaroo can pack a mighty punch…

Grab yourself some kangaroo steaks,
More hop and bounce than emu fakes!
However take care when they’re in the pan
They’ve got more fight than Sydney Stan!

Sydney Stan used to remonstrate,
With anything sat upon his plate,
He used to say: “I’ve sheared some wool
Take more than that to make me full!”

A chef, a Scotsman, liked to boast,
“A diners problem? Soon be toast!”
So for Sydney Stan, in a stew,
A ruddy great leg from a kangaroo!

Sydney Stan began to munch,
“This ain’t no more than normal lunch!”
Four hours later, some roo eroded,
The big sheep-shearer simply exploded!

From this tale of Sydney Stan,
it’s not what you eat that show’s you’re a man,
take it from me, it must be true,
there’s more than enough meat on a kangaroo!

With thanks to Lidl for introducing yet more culinary delights to our shores, we continue to watch your shelves with interest!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The New Year Tradition!

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Tone's CoatThere is one part of New Year that is a traditional as fireworks and ‘Auld Lang Syne!’ When guests have finally wended their way back to whence they came, the trawl nets are put out to see what has been left behind! The one benefit of this practice is that it shows they will probably return and their rushed departure was unlikely to have been the result of anything you said. This years prize goes to Tony from North of Birmingham…

“I left my hat in Arfordshire,
Along with my old coat,
I hope that they take care of them,
Don’t feed them to a goat!”

“Cos if they mislaid my dear old coat,
It could get quite smelly,
Oh good grief I just realised,
They’ve also got my welly!”

We looked around our outhouse,
To see what we could see,
The coat’s in better condition,
Than the one that belongs to me!

The hat I will admit,
Has seen better days,
But it’s in a Staffordshire tweed,
Not equipped for Southern rays!

So we’ll put it out for the Postie,
That should be a breeze,
Cos if Old Tone hasn’t got his coat,
The poor old Bugger’ll freeze!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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