Monthly Archives: December 2016

Royston Roy’s Rocket!

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Many notable events have taken place on the field where we hold our Saturday Car Boot Sales just outside Baldock. We have had dog shows, charity fun runs, proposals and falling-outs! However one of the more obscure events just recently was the launching of a space rocket by Rocket Roy from Royston…

The countdown started at Mission Control,
(the Launch Director munched on a sausage roll!)
The un-manned rocket sat ready to go,
the crowd stood silently all in a row!
“Ten-Nine-Eight-Seven then Six,”
You could hear a spectator bite on a Twix!
Then all of a sudden there was a roar,
flames erupted across the grassy floor!
Slowly the rocket began to rise,
the Launch Director choked with surprise!
Rocket Roy threw his cap in the air,
“A successful launch I declare!
Now if you’d now like to follow me,
we’ll enjoy a celebratory cup of tea!”
…160 miles away in Old Brighouse,
confusion is caused by a smashed greenhouse!

Enjoy your day but always remember, what goes up must come down!
Some facts here may not be real (serving suggestion only).
Thank you to Royston Roger (aged 3) for todays photo!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Ice Road Trucker

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A friend recently admitted that when she couldn’t sleep she would creep downstairs and watch ‘Ice Road Truckers’ in the middle of the night. Having given the therapeutic nature of such a programme some thought, I came up with these words, not to mock, but to show that we all have our unique ways to help us through dark nights…

Meek and mild Martha on the school run,
respectable, maternal and full of fun.
Once ‘Kids Away’ with their packed-lunch tucker,
she becomes ‘Merciless Martha the Ice Road Trucker!’

She doesn’t care there’s no sixteen-wheeler,
her imaginary truck’s a saddened-girly-healer,
with her truckers cap perched on her pretty head,
she drives the frozen wastes around Maidenhead!

With love to all the Martha’s,’The road will get ya!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Innocent Puppy?

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Having relaxed after our guests left on Boxing Day, yesterday was a day of tidying up. Unfortunately our puppy had other ideas, yet when it came to shouldering responsibility, put on the sweetest angelic face and denied all knowledge of the mess…

Yesterday morning,
we started clearing up.
Would have been easier
without a naughty pup!
There was a large bag,
of torn wrapping paper,
scattered over the floor,
it did me no favour!
In the middle,
sat the pup:
“It wasn’t me,
I’ve just got up!”
The old dog sighed,
all he had to say:
“Wasn’t there room
On Santa’s sleigh?”

If you are still clearing up after a merry time and looking for a distraction, would you like some four-legged help?

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Celebrating Guests!

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wrapChristmas is over and the last guests have left Bard Towers. As in many households up and down the country, the remnants of the season’s festivities lay discarded behind the sofa; torn wrapping paper, a half-eaten mince pie, a crumbly dog poo and an unsavoury looking canapé! Following the final departure the silence is deafening. As Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers should have sung: “Guests made this a Christmas to remember…”

The turkey carcass lies abandoned,
Grandad snoring mouth agape,
Men are smoking in the garden,
From the washing-up escape!

Extra chairs from absent neighbours,
Grandma ate upon her lap,
Check that Grandpa is still breathing,
Yes he is! Thank Heavens for that!

Darren’s sitting very carefully,
His worried face shows signs of fear,
Been to the toilet many times,
Scoffed those sweets from North Korea!

The kids are rioting in the bedroom,
They are leaping on the beds,
One is tied up to the headboard,
Tantrums and cola without the meds!

Someone’s shaver has gone missing,
The bathroom’s in very thick fog,
Kevin’s toothbrush has gone missing,
I saw it used upon a dog!

A ragtag army goes out walking,
Shouted at by farmer-with-sheep,
Returning back all cobwebs blown-out,
Find that Grandad’s still asleep!

Seven dogs have started fighting,
Aunty’s Peke is on the top,
All the kids have learnt new language,
As adults try to make them stop!

In the kitchen war is raging,
Turkey carcass on the floor,
The hostess shouting at her husband:
“Can’t stand your family any more!”

At that moment front door opens,
Uncle Bernard, parked nearby,
All the kids instantly scatter,
“Bad-breath-Bernard” they all cry!

Doreen has a screaming baby,
Her partner is ‘away’ this year,
She is soon going to visit,
He’s in Parkhurst for shifting ‘gear’!

Someone produces an obscure bottle,
Aunty Flo is filled with life,
Within the hour she’s drunkenly singing,
Uncle Bob ignores his wife!

Pete is sleeping on the sofa,
Along with a girl he brought called Sam,
The resultant moanings are suggestive,
That they will, they do, they can!

Tuesday comes the house is silent,
They’ve all gone and left today,
Every room is strangely silent
‘Come next year – we’ll be away!’

FOR THE RECORD:
This verse and the people portrayed within are pure fiction and bear no relation whatsover to the wonderful guests we had to stay over the Christmas period. BB.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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A Christmas Tale 2016

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For the last thirteen years, my family has become accustomed to an empty place at our Christmas table, since our son David died at the age of twenty-two. However that serves to highlight the very special and true Christmas tale I have to tell…

grantlindaGrant and Linda do the catering at my Saturday Car Boot Sales near Baldock. Their daughters, collectively known as the ‘Food Angels’ flit between the stalls, collecting orders and delivering food and drinks, so the sellers don’t go hungry or thirsty.

Just over a year ago, Grant and Linda’s eldest daughter, Bianca-Jade, left for Australia. Knowing full well that there is a time to let one’s offspring fly the nest and discover new vistas, they waved her off with smiles but heavy hearts. It was obvious to me how much they missed her as we often talked about the happy but sad side to ‘Wrong Postcode Syndrome’ for a parent when you have a close family.

At this point I shall let Linda’s Facebook post tell the rest of their Christmas Tale…

“Wow what a Christmas!
Last night I get a call from Grant saying can you pop home. This is while I’m out shopping with Gemma and Bradley. So I go home straight away to find Amber there. Grant says Amber needs you. I walk in the lounge and OMG Bianca-Jade says “Happy Xmas Muma”. I nearly fainted to say the least. Our darling daughter has come home for Xmas how long for who knows. So happy going to be a special one for sure!!!!”
family…and that, my friends, is what Christmas is all about!

May you have a wonderfully Happy Christmas, surrounded by those you love and discover the true spirit of the season.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Oats 2 Go!

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oats2goYesterday morning we had an unexpected visitor to the farm. The mill that were expecting a load of oats on the 28th of this month rang to see if they could be collected earlier. This means that I can extend my holiday laziness for another few days after Christmas. I was so excited abut this prospect that I made a mess of loading the lorry…

Christmas holidays are almost here,
Santa Claus will appear,
I hope he isn’t in a rush,
what I need is a shovel and brush!
I loaded the lorry with such care,
didn’t want oats everywhere,
until the final bucket load,
I spilt them all across the road!
When the truck had left the farm,
I fetched the broom from the barn,
unfortunately it had bristles few,
I’d thought it would last ’till harvest new!
Then I heard a honking noise,
up came the geese, girls and boys!
much subdued, normally surly,
Santa, for them, had come early!

If I don’t see you before Sunday may I wish you a very happy Christmas. I hope Santa brings you all you desire and that you enjoy the day with those you love. BB

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Shovelling Oats!

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oat-dustYesterday morning I spent an hour shovelling oats ready for loading between Christmas and the New Year. The dust and seeds blew about the bin and soon I looked like ‘The Thing From The Oat Lagoon’. What was disconcerting was the amount that ended inside my overalls. I had also found it uncomfortable to sit throughout the day and it was only when I undressed for the bath that I discovered the reason….

Oats, oats, glorious oats!
Perfect for feeding,
People and goats,
Perfect for breakfast,
Or in cakes for your tea,
The versatile cereal,
Grown here by me!
But when you undress,
for hot bath ‘cos you smell,
Then you discover,
Oats in your socks (and pants as well!)

Have a great day and avoid that uncomfortable ‘Rogue Oat Feeling!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Bravery Personified

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sian2In many cases these days, the word ‘bravery’ is something that is associated with little more than everyday occurrences. Such is the often devaluation of language when in mass use. Today, friend Sian goes into hospital to have a new hip. Unfortunately this has been rescheduled countless times since autumn ’15 due to bouts of chemotherapy and even a delay caused by toothache….

If you ask Sian “How are you?”
She’ll always reply : “I am fine!”
So friends never know how she really is
The majority of the time.
So wherever you are today
Give her a thought or a prayer
Because I know today her thoughts
Will be with other folk elsewhere. 

Wishing Sian a speedy recovery, it’s finally time to recycle those crutches! With love from all your many friends everywhere. If everyone had a friend like Sian the world would be a better place.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Dangers of Trees!

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treeThis year I seem to have been accident-prone. I have fallen into the river: losing phone, wallet and glasses, Spilt coffee over my trusty laptop and broken my big yellow tractor more times than you could imagine. Last week I pulled hard on a rope which broke, leaving me flat on my back, I should have taken notice of this warning sign…

T’was driving around the farm,
just before lunch,
reversed the car,
something went crunch!
Out I got,
oh! stupid me!
The car had been hit,
by a rather large tree!
It jumped out,
from the hedge,
kicked the car,
on the quarter-light edge.
The mechanic said:
“What will you do?”
I replied:
“I think I’ll sue!”

Please take care out there, it’s an alarming world and Christmas is just around the corner.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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March Past!

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sandhurstI never could understand why so many foreign tourists flocked to see soldiers marching up and down outside Buckingham Palace – until last Friday! Now I understand, having been invited to Sandhurst to watch a passing-out parade. Furthermore I understand why so many cameras and phones are raised in front of such a spectacle…

The British have always marched well,
the military on parade,
the seemingly effortless choreography,
the stamp of boot on tarmac made.
Our generation can be cutting,
about the youth of today,
with discipline and training,
these youngsters will be OK!

Where they’ll go and what they’ll do,
only the future will decide,
but because they’ll do,
wherever they go,
we can sleep safely inside.

If you are ever invited to see the Soverign’s Parade at Sandhurst, be sure to take a camera! Best of luck to newly promoted Lieutenant R. L. you have made many people proud of you, thank you for letting me share your day.
sandhurst2© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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