Monthly Archives: January 2017

The Art of Saving Fingers!

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Yesterday afternoon I chopped some kindling for our log-burner with my hand-axe as I was too lazy to fetch the tractor and log-splitter from the shed. As I was wielding the hatchet, I remembered to hold the log with a small stick and remembered an old farmworker, who showed me many years ago how to save fingers…

There’s something quite therapeutic,
Chopping kindling with a small axe,
So long as you remember your fingers,
They don’t care for bladed attacks!

On a farm when I was not twenty,
If working near a wood with a gang,
First thing Old Frank would chop firewood,
“We need to keep warm if we can!”

He’d cut a small stick as ‘a holder’,
To safely hold the wood (always planned!),
Then down would crash the billhook,
And his fingers would remain on his hand!

Wednesday Safety Alert: Be careful out there if using an axe today.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Old Friend!

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January on the farm can be a stressful time. Following the festivities, reality strikes and you’re forced to review the future and make predictions that, if wrong, can seriously affect your business. However, if you are lucky, there is an old friend lurking in the cupboard…

Lurking in the cupboard I found an old friend,
the sweet brown contents would help me no end!
I’d spent the day on a forward cash-flow,
and needed something to help the figures grow!
I took a chunk (I didn’t dare take a bite!)
and all of a sudden things looked alright!
No difference in figures driving me around the bend,
but feeling happier thanks to my chocolate friend!

It then led me to ponder a most valuable crop – Cocoa Beans! (unfortunately not available here in the UK), but one is allowed to dream whilst eating chocolate! It is also the perfect way to forget those New Year resolutions.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Harvest Crisis Averted!

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Whilst researching on everyone’s favourite search engine for ‘When is Twelfth Night?’ I came across some useful facts. Most of these didn’t help in the decision to panic and eject the Christmas tree out of the back door, but one fact did possibly help shine a light on my poor wheat yields…

‘Take down all decorations by Twelfth Night,
or bad things will happen, won’t be right!
So we took down our decorations,
(some were made by Croatians!)
Dragged the tree out with some success,
more needles than the NHS!
and so it lies all forlorn,
before being deposited on the lawn.
This once-regal nordic tree,
now looks as sad as sad can be.
No lights, no tinsel or decorations await,
off for re-cycling near Baldock Gate!
Decorations packed away by midnight,
all in boxes out of sight,
‘If not by midnight’ spake the curse,
‘This years harvest will be your worst!’

Phew! Job done, harvest crisis averted!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Trouser Tom!

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Many years ago an old man who used to regularly visit our Saturday Car Boot Sales stood next to me and farted. Being polite I took no notice. He admitted later that he had a ‘fart machine’ in his pocket, when the button was pressed the trumpet would sound! It was very realistic and whenever he used it he’d laugh as if were the funniest thing in the world. The other day I had cause to remember him and realised it was at least ten years since I’d seen him. So ‘Trouser Tom’ wherever you are (either ‘up’ or ‘down’ as you used to say), thank’s for the memory, this one’s for you…

I like to fart,
it does not smell,
at least as far,
as I can tell

After beans,
cabbage or sprout,
just lift a cheek,
and one slips out.

So if I fart,
(noise from a zoo),
I’ll look around,
and blame you!

Dedicated to Trouser Tom, a great practical joker with a big laugh, who slipped silently from this world in November 2006 RIP.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Jump Start!

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There is a sound heard on some farms after the Christmas break that reminds the farmer that machines have lain idle over the Christmas/New Year break. I went out to the shed to get the Loadall to sweep up some oats and it made that infuriating sound. I think it is cross at the inaction over the holidays…

“Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra, Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra
I’m not going to start,
you can give me all the heat you like,
It’s your fault we’ve been apart!
You’ve stuffed yourself with turkey,
trifle and the odd minced tart,
while I’m abandoned in the shed,
you’d better fetch the powered jump start!”

This is dedicated to all those who are having trouble getting back to normal after the holidays (just like me!)
N.B. It wasn’t the JCB Loadall’s fault it wouldn’t start – someone had left the ignition switched on and I’m looking around to share the blame but am standing alone!!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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A Proper Farmer At Last!

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Many years ago when I worked on a dairy farm, the cowman, Sam, told me that on a ‘proper farm’, the cowman had the softest hands! Of course his idea of a ‘proper farm’ included animals and in particular cows. Every day he used udder cream on the cows udders and, by default, on his hands with remarkable results. This Christmas, a friend obviously thought I needed to pay some attention to my hands and gave me some Farmers Hand Cream, a chance to be a proper farmer…

Look closely at my farm,
no animals will you view,
just some arable acres,
Wheat, oats and beans too!
I’m now a proper farmer,
as I’ve got Farmers Hand Cream,
I’ll have the softest farmer hands,
in Twenty-Seventeen!

Wishing you all a very Happy New Year wherever in the world you may be.
Want to be a proper farmer? Pop along to www.welshlavender.com and your dream will come true (as did mine!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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