Monthly Archives: December 2017

The Fourth Wise Man!

Posted on by
Share

Some years ago I entered a worldwide writing competition and was amongst the winners. My entry was published in the States and then gathered dust on a stored file on my backup disk. While doing some file clearing recently I rediscovered it. The only competition rule was that the story could contain exactly 55 words, no more, no less. So here it is, as my gift to you this Christmas…

The Lost Gift
The Wise Men had followed the star for many days.
They were a congenial group who, apart from one, discussed many important topics as they traveled.
The Fourth Wise Man, being never wrong, turned left into the desert, and it was nearly two thousand years before the world rediscovered plastic.

NB As we all know there is no recorded mention of a fourth Wise Man, so the part of the fourth Wise Man in the above photo is played by an angel!
Happy Christmas Everyone!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Share

The Nativity Goat!

Posted on by
Share

I’m going to be in trouble with my granddaughter. In her nativity-based and chocolate-free Advent calendar, I have added a guest. Having been an angel in her primary school’s nativity the other day, she now knows pretty much all there is to know about the scene and any attempt by me to alter the participants is swiftly shot down in flames…

There must have been a goat in the stable,
along with the sheep and the cows,
but theologians have ignored it,
not given the ‘What Why and Hows!’
So lets hear it for the Christmas goat,
he’s been left out for far to long,
and add him to the animals,
celebrated in nativity song!

Wishing you and yours a wonderful Christmas and festive season. Stay safe and happy. BB.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

 

Share

Carols in Baldock!

Posted on by
Share

When I went down to Baldock last night to fetch a Chinese take-away, I was in for a pleasant surprise. Next to the town’s Christmas tree was a large group of townsfolk singing carols. Suddenly that old Christmas feeling was all around and I found myself singing along as I strolled back to the car with my take-away (with apologies to ‘We Three Kings’)…

An old farmer from Baldock ‘aarrh!’
taking his take-away back to the car,
humming carols in farmer’s apparels,
hadn’t been near a bar!
It’s a wonder, it’s so right,
singing carols on a Monday night,
it’s not snowing but Santa’s going
very soon to take flight!

If I happen to forget in the mad dash towards Christmas, may I wish you a very Happy Christmas. BB

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

Share

A Brush with the Law!

Posted on by
Share

Sometimes it’s good to time-travel! Yesterday Mrs Bard and I were having Sunday lunch with some relations who live near to where I worked in a previous life many eons ago. Another guest was the neighbouring farmer who I’d not seen for nearly 40 years. I have never been a great one for reminiscing, as it can be painful! I wouldn’t dare re-visit old haunts for fear of stirring up black and smelly mud from the bottom of the pond that is my memory! So it came as a surprise when so many memories surfaced, especially a brush with the law in 1979…

I was awaiting a visit from my ‘big boss’
a cause always for alarm,
when ‘Frank Cannon’ the village policeman,
came to visit me on the farm!
He was a jovial type of bobby,
always up for a laugh,
a raucous sense of humour,
but you wouldn’t want to cross his path.
He was showing me his new-style handcuffs,
he tried them on me just for size,
then started looking for the key,
a look of fear in his eyes!
He jumped into his patrol car,
lights and sirens ‘on alarm!’
I heard him go off into the distance,
I was attached to the wall of the barn!
He finally returned with the key,
had just released me at last,
when in walked my ‘big boss’
the moment for hilarity had passed!
As Frank left in his police car,
“a social call” I lied (quite hard),
“Why in that case please tell me…
did I see blue flashing lights in the yard?”

Frank Cannon was nicknamed after the 1970’s CBS TV series about a rather large policemen who solved every crime put before him. Many thanks to Hugh, Cathy and Winks for helping to ‘stir the mud!’

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

 

Share

The Christmas Cards

Posted on by
Share

According to media reports we are sending less and less Christmas cards every year. Also the annual ‘Round Robin’ letter detailing family achievements has been largely replaced by ‘Look At Us’ daily postings on social media. I must be very old-fashioned as I rather like receiving cards. Last night I recoiled in horror as I realised I’d not written a single one and so spent over four hours furiously using something called a pen whilst applying for a mortgage to buy the stamps…

Less than half the under-thirty-fives,
are sending Christmas Cards,
they’d rather use social media,
(than use a pen like bards!).
Everyone already knows,
what they’ve done each day,
it’s all played out on Facebook,
there’s nothing more to say!
Once I was caught out,
with cards I did decorate,
(I realised that at least three,
were from folk a few years ‘late’).
So if I’ve left you out,
no card ends on your mat,
Have a very Happy Christmas,
and lets leave it just like that!!

(Todays picture shows a selection of cards already received at Bard Towers!)
Happy Christmas from the Bard! (That was far easier and quicker than writing all those cards! Maybe next year…)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

Share

Walking Llamas!

Posted on by
Share

The other day I was driving along an ordinary road, listening to ordinary radio and thinking ordinary thoughts when I came across an extraordinary sight. A group of people were walking llamas! As Poirot might have said in his best continental accent: “In-croy-able!” I quickly snapped a picture on my trusty i-phone and continued on my way, however the scene would not leave my mind…

Some things that have been seen,
cannot be forgotten,
no control-alt-delete,
for my brain (that’s full of cotton!)
Taking a llama for a walk?
(or was it an alpaca?)
would make a rugby player,
suddenly do the Hakka!

I apologise  that my verse,
has taken a turn for the worse,
I need to walk with a llama,
to re-align ny Karma!

Turns out that they were alpacas all along and so my verse is yet again wide of the mark! However it’s too late for adjustment so you’ll just have to forgive me! You too can take an alpaca for a walk, just visit http://www.alpacatrekking.co.uk 
Oh! and while I have your attention, the Waterfront B&B in the background is the best in the world, trust me I’ve stayed there and will do so again! https://www.wellswaterfront.co.uk.
(END OF COMMERCIAL BREAK – NORMAL SERVICE RESUMED TOMORROW!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Share

By Candle-light!

Posted on by
Share

Late Sunday morning the lights went out. A tree, with branches laden with snow, brought down a power line in one of our fields with a bang and shower of sparks. This is something that always happens to others during inclement weather and is reported on the news almost as an inevitable bolt-on: “…bringing down power lines and leaving thirty thousand homes without electricity!” By mid evening the power had been restored to just five dwellings and a phone mast…

We sat around with candles,
not a drop of juice anywhere,
while men with large pliers,
hoisted cables back in the air!
While we sat by the fireplace,
warmed with the fireside glow,
faceless engineers outside,
worked in the dark and snow.
Then all of a sudden,
the power was restored,
our digital lives resumed,
not in the slightest bit bored!

‘Thank-you’ to UK Power Network, for being there when needed. It was fun while it lasted because it didn’t last long!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

Share

‘Snow Bomb’ Sunday!

Posted on by
Share

Yesterday, unusually for a British December, we had around eight inches of snow! Having seen the forecast on Saturday evening I had found the snow-blade in the yard and put it ready for attachment to the JCB Fastrac tractor should the need arise. In the past it has raised much mirth when I was prepared but to no avail, this time I was ready, willing and able! Unfortunately some of the drivers I encountered had obviously never considered snow when they bought their expensive Mercs, Audis and BMW’s…

Out on the Baldock Bypass,
the traffic grinds to a halt,
a tyre-spinning expensive car,
doesn’t think that it’s his fault!
I pass them on the inside,
over the bank beside the road,
they look surprised to see me,
“We can’t believe it snowed!”
The blade goes down in front of them,
just misses a Mercedes bonnet,
they wave a grateful thanks,
(or a finger says ‘sit on it!’)
Most days they swear at tractors,
“Get out the ‘effin way!”
But they seem pleased to see me,
on ‘Snow-Bomb’ Chaos Sunday!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Share