Monthly Archives: January 2018

Steve the Seagull!

Posted on by
Share

When you write, there are some days when a topic or words just won’t come. In true British fashion, the weather is generally good for a few lines, but once you’ve said “it’s raining again’, it’s hard to find different words and ways. This morning is one of those mornings, so for my 1650th posting I apologise from the comfort of the bathroom we share with Steve…

The final day of January,
Steve the Seagull’s very glad,
he looks from the bathroom,
outside the weather’s bad.
The rain is horizontal,
It’s lashing down “oh my!”
He lets out a chuckle,
‘cos inside he’s nice and dry!

With apologies for such a corny weather-related post and a big ‘sorry’ to my old English teacher for using his banned word ‘nice!’ Have a good day and stay dry!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

The Intrepid Sportsman!

Posted on by
Share

I have to admit to knowing nothing at all about the sport of Paddle Boarding. However I always thought it was a sport more associated with summer or warmer climes than a Cambridgeshire river in January! Watching an intrepid enthusiast nervously tackle the weather and river conditions yesterday I could only wonder what I would do under similar conditions…

I was on my Paddle Board,
and got a wobble on,
I didn’t know what to do,
So I called my Uncle Ron!

“I feel a bit unstable,
the river’s running fast,
the wind is also gusting,
I don’t know if I’ll last.”

The last thing that I shouted,
(after a prayer to the Lord),
“I think that I’m about to be,
Man over Board!”

With acknowledgement to all those who make difficult sports look easy.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

Potholes!

Posted on by
Share

Every winter the weather takes its toll on the back drive that services the farmyard and the industrial units. Every year on the first available day (often after a complaint or two!) I get bucket-loads of road-plannings and fill in the holes (hopefully before anyone shouts at me!!!). After the recent heavy rain and melted snow the holes were full of water…

Yesterday on the back track,
I was a jolly pot-hole filler,
It’s not a bad job,
but on the back it’s a killer.

I fill in the cavities
It looks like we’ve had moles!
Then a car drives by and splashes me,
And I shout at them “(pot)holes!”

Have a good day and avoid all (pot)holes!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

The Curse of Peanut Butter!

Posted on by
Share

This morning my five-year-old granddaughter came to breakfast. Her old grandfather was tasked with preparing and serving breakfast. Only one problem – I have a hatred of peanut butter and had not foreseen the problem that would arise…

Peanut butter and blackberry jelly,
enough to give your day some welly!
All that energy needed for school,
especially when you’re five and tall. 
It’s also important to like bread as toast
‘cos when you’re a student you eat it the most!

I cut the toast
something brown on my fingers
Took a lick – yuk – 
peanut butter taste lingers!

With apologies to all those who love Peanut Butter, I bet you hate Marmite! Have a great day BB

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

The Brisk Walk!

Posted on by
Share

Yesterday we had snow, there was also a bitterly cold wind and so it was the perfect day to go for a stroll (brisk) before lunch! My granddaughter led the way without complaint, however halfway around the wood her dog had a change of mind…

Walking through the wood,
snow crunches on the ground,
the lazy wind goes through you,
rather than around!
Pabi (my Granddaughters dog),
decides she’s had enough,
off she runs back home,
in a batey-angry-huff!
Back at the house,
she awaits our return,
straight in front of the fire,
first back – it’s her turn!

Have a great week and I hope you get the best spot in the warm!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

The Shredding!

Posted on by
Share

According to media reports we should all be more concerned about identity theft. No longer should we put old bank statements, addressed envelopes or scraps of paper with user names and passwords in the bin, but should ‘destroy’ all such items. However in my new ‘Green Era’ this has led to a problem as my old solution now leads me to shake and sweat with fear…

I used to light a bonfire,
and burn all paperwork,
to avoid my identity,
being stolen from my work!
Now I have a shredder,
a shiny ‘post-box’ slot,
but ‘You must use it carefully’,
(one warning I forgot!)
So enthusiastic was my shredding,
(this admission really hard)
left with an expired piece of plastic,
having shredded my new bank card!

What shredder hath torn apart, no person can join together!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Share

Farmers Gone Green!

Posted on by
Share

The other day a visitor to the farm looked at the large heap of used one-ton fertilizer bags in the shed and asked whether I had a very large dustbin! I explained that once a year those nice people from re-cycling firm Kelshall Plastics come to take them away…

Many years ago
in the days when
‘Going Green’
meant going to look at crops,
we’d go fertilizer spreading,
with 50kg bags
which we loaded by hand
into the spreader.
As for getting rid of the bags
we were armed with a disposal system:
It fitted neatly in a pocket,
and was called a box of matches.
In later years
when the bags
became much larger
we used a JCB Loadall
to lift the bags
and matches were banned
as we were now
“Gone Green!’
So once a year,
we load the bags onto a truck
and off they go
to be recycled
into something more useful
than a small bonfire
at the side of the field.
© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Share

Goose Down!

Posted on by
Share

The guard geese who patrol our farmyard have suffered a fatality. One of their ranks has gone on permanent AWOL. It is strange that they are something we see and hear every day, yet it was immediately apparent that their numbers had been reduced by one…

Goose number 13,
has run out of luck.
not a lucky number,
if you’re goose, human or duck!

Into the cause of death,
I had no wish to delve,
just went out one morning,
and only counted twelve.

No need for a casket,
or even a box,
just a pile of feathers left,
after feeding a local fox.

So there is now one less,
patrolling up the yard,
“Intruder Red Alert –
Call out the guard!”

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Share

The Trap!

Posted on by
Share

I have been attempting the annual migration of unwanted paperwork from my office to the recycling bonfire. Once I could see the floor I stood back and admired phase one. Mrs Bard however was less impressed when later on she came face to face with an unwanted lodger…

I’ve got a mouse in my office,
I put a trap on the floor,
baited it with some chocolate,
and then I slammed shut the door,

This morning I expected success,
but the chocolate had gone,
a note suggested different bait,
signed from ‘Squeaky Mate – Ron!’

I was tempted to add some Marmite,
but peanut butter some say is best,
I’ll let you know of the outcome,
and which bait I find beats the rest!

Apparently 85% Cocoa chocolate is too good for squeakers and they prefer ordinary Milk Chocolate (or similar!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Share

Aussie ‘Flu!

Posted on by
Share

Since Christmas I have been feeling unwell and recovery has been slow. At first I suspected that old adversary, Man Flu. However having read certain media outlets, I am now in a position to positively self-diagnose – It was Aussie Flu…

I’ve been laid low with Aussie Flu,
temperature leaping like a kangaroo,
food I yearned was from a barbie,
all I could taste was wasabi!
Beer from a tinnie I could sink,
a thirst like Bondi beach I think.
The bugs now gone I won’t forget
back down under on a Quantas jet!

If you are feeling under the weather, I hope you’re back to 100% soon.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Share