Monthly Archives: March 2018

Threatened and Mugged!

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Yesterday morning I was threatened and mugged as I walked to work. The assailants, all white, weren’t after my mobile, fancy trainers or cash, but after wheat! Spring is definitely in the air as they are getting more boisterous by the day…

“Stand and Deliver!”
the geese all shout,
“Put down that phone,
and get the wheat out!”

“Don’t hesitate,
or try nothing funny,
we just want some wheat,
to help fill our tummy!”

I went to the hopper,
and scooped out some food,
They then honked some more,
(I think it was rude!)

If you find yourself mugged by a bird today, just give in as quickly as possible and walk on, you know it makes sense! Just in case you think I’m the only sucker on the block, Val is regularly mugged too! Take care out there – the farmyard is a dangerous place!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Caution Men

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The other day while halving a bit of a clear-out in the farm workshop, we came across an old and unusual sign. It seemed out of place in this modern world, so in the bin it went, however not before it had made me think…

‘Caution Men Working,’
so said the sign,
it had lain behind a cupboard,
for quite some time.

Having lived with a mother,
Who worked as hard as a man,
I’ve no gender bias,
No male domination plan.

So let’s hear it for workers,
whatever their gender,
and put the sign in the bin,
An out of date, offender!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Demo!

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Yesterday I was chopping some wood when some visitors to the farm walked by to see what I was doing. I explained that the machine on the back of the tractor had a worm that bored into the wood and it split, “Just like this…”

I threw the small axe over my shoulder,
“Won’t need that!” I said getting bolder,
I put the large log onto the splitter,
“The downside is – I don’t get fitter!”
The worm bored into the trunk of the tree,
I struggled to hold it in line with my knee,
Then all of a sudden with a relieved laugh,
The tree trunk cracked and split in half!

When they had gone the next three logs were excessively difficult and I realised then that a demonstrators job is never quite as easy as it looks!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Hoisting a Bishop!

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Thieves stole some of the copper roof from our little village church in 2016. In 2017 they returned for the rest. Thanks to the remarkable generosity of donors, the roof has been replaced with stainless steel. On Sunday the Bishop of Hertford came to bless the roof. As he wasn’t tall enough to reach the roof unaided, my JCB Loadall and cage were requested. This lead to some very amusing conversations with my insurance agents, the Royston branch of the NFU…

“You want to hoist a bishop in a cage?”

I pretended:
“It’s what farmers do, it’s all the rage!”

“It started when a friend had a broken tile,
then it escalated, it took a while.
Then somebody took the copper roof from the church,
I hoisted the vicar to a lofty perch!
Like in chess, a bishop, the very next stage,
Ultimate aim: ‘Archbishop in the cage!’”

Some may wonder why I didn’t ask the Pope,
I presumed the answer would have been ‘nope!’

With thanks to all, particularly my long-suffering insurers. Also to the Bishop of Hertford and Nick Lyness who both simply smiled and waved from a great height! Of course none of this would have been possible without the support of Clothall’s vicar, Fiona Wheatley, who declined to travel as ‘I’ve been up before!’, where she goes – others follow!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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(Not) a Treasure Trove!

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The other day while trawling through a seldom-used drawer I can across a future treasure-trove. There underneath a pile of old cheque-book stubs and expired business cards lay four old five pound notes, neatly pressed and with consecutive numbers. I realise this is not the equivalent of finding King Tut’s burial chamber, but it may help my daughter fund a burger in 2100…

I know it’s hardly exciting,
Unlikely to garner votes,
But recently I found,
Four consecutive notes!
I know they’re not legal tender,
Their day has been and gone,
I can’t even remember
Where I got them from!
Maybe in a hundred years,
They’ll be worth a mint,
So I’m giving them to Granddaughter,
might make her future glint!

I know the rhyming is bad and the content worse, but please forgive me as it’s Friday! Have a great weekend and see if you too can find treasure from them there drawers!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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