Monthly Archives: May 2018

‘Snappy’ to the Rescue!

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Last week the GDPR regulations came into force for businesses in the UK. As far as I was aware, the only information we stored for the car boot sales was a list of mobile numbers. Therefore I sent out a text that included the following:
‘All we have is a list of mobile numbers stored on an i-Phone which is kept at night in the cage that holds our pet crocodile, Snappy, and we will never ever give your number to anyone else because you are our friend’
From texts received it would seem that Snappy has a number of fans out there, but even if he’s not real, it can do you good to keep your very own ‘Snappy’ in reserve…

If you’ve ever dealt with complaints before,
and not wished to hear just one word more,
what you need are some sharp teeth,
a trap door with a croc beneath!
Even if this croc isn’t real,
pretend it is and better you’ll feel,
reach for that lever in your mind,
and leave the complaints far behind!

He may squeal,
He may shout,
but you have let,
your ‘Snappy’ out!

Have a great day and don’t let those complaints get you down!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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The Working Mum

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Whenever Mrs Bard and I visit friends by the river, we also see a very busy housewife. She is out at work all day, in the evenings she spends her time either doing housework or raising her young. It is a relentless life, making her an un-sung hero…

Mrs Moorhen works all day,
at the River Bank,
her husband is not around,
she looks and draws a blank!
She hurries to pick up the kids,
from the local school,
they are all doing well,
apart from Frank who is a fool!
Then it’s home for supper,
food is on the table,
the kids all complain again,
apart from a quiet girl called Mabel.
Then at last they’re fast asleep,
she checks that they’re all fine,
creeps down to the kitchen,
and sinks a glass of wine!

Written in appreciation of all mothers! May you all have a great weekend (along with the odd glass of wine).

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


 

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A Big Girls Toy!

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Like many farmers I have been used to driving large machines all my life, the bigger the better. Some say that, although over sixty, I’m still a big kid. Give me a combine harvester or tractor to drive and I’m still in seventh heaven. This week I watched a large crane in action lifting a 19 ton narrowboat out of the water at a marina in Cambridgeshire. The crane was manoeuvred with consummate skill by a girl, I was insanely jealous…

Marie hops up to the crane cab door,
you can tell she’s done this job before,
she is dwarfed by the enormous machine,
she’s petite and her clothes are clean!
There’s a roar from the mighty beast,
sounds like a thousand horsepower at least!
then very gently (as it oughta),
the narrow boat slowly leaves the water!

With grateful thanks to Marie, her skill and mighty machine put me and my little Loadall well into the shade! Marie and her crane can be found at Westview Marina, Erith in Cambridgeshire www.westviewmarina.co.uk/
© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

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The Multi-Tasking Failure!

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I spent last Saturday on a narrow boat moored beside a butter-cup-laden grass field at Hemmingford in Cambridgeshire. As well as being the day of a certain well-publicised royal wedding, it was also my wife and my 39thwedding anniversary. How she has put up with me for all those years I’ll never fully understand. However I was on my best behavior and things were going well until I took our two terriers for a long walk…

A farmer you know walked two terriers on leads,
from a distance you could hear his cussing and pleads!
You also notice he’s on the phone,
a multi-tasking man out on his own!
He meets a couple with a puppy in tow,
quite well behaved no lead don’t you know,
all of a sudden a terrier breaks free,
it’s collar’s empty on the lead now you see!
The two absconders run out of sight,
a shaggy black puppy and terrier with fight,
thankfully they run to the farmer’s wife on her boat,
when he finally arrives (I’m not going to quote!),
she note from his breathlessness not all’s gone to plan,
“You can’t multi task because you are a man!”

Have a terrific Tuesday and if things go wrong, don’t admit you were on the phone!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


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Wedding Days!

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It is ironic that this weekend when millions are watching a certain wedding on TV, I, in my little corner of the world, have my mind firmly fixed on a wedding in a little Welsh village on the 19th May 1979 (also at 12 noon).
Have you ever looked at a photograph and wondered ‘what was I thinking at that moment?’ in an attempt to remember your thoughts at an important moment in your life.
The picture above shows me with semi-wet hair at the moment we said ‘I Do’.
All our lives are truly unique. We all have sunny days but when the storm hits the only option is to cling together and wait patiently for the rainbow and sunshine that always follows.
There is only one preparation for a life like this: Choose your partner well by choosing your best friend.
After all these years I can look back at this photo and know what I was thinking: “I’m so lucky she’s just said ‘yes!'”

I’M STILL AS LUCKY TODAY!

Have a great weekend and enjoy ‘that other wedding!’

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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The Hooded Camera

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Driving along the A1 trunk road yesterday, I noticed that many of the speed cameras were hooded. Were they jealous of their cousins who get to go to weddings, parties and happy occasions? Had they seen something that had made them need counselling? Maybe they were no longer needed as a deterrent as everyone now slows down to half the speed limit? Perhaps those in charge should remove them and erect them next to local schools or give them a holiday? I am confused…

The cameras are all covered,
to protect them from what they’ll see,
maybe it’s an order,
to make them more P.C.?
They’re nowhere near a school,
old folks home or suchlike,
a footbridge over the carriageway,
so no toddlers on a trike.
If I were in charge of cameras,
I would cut a hole,
and catch out all the speeders,
with increased police patrol!

If you’re travelling today please take care and arrive at your destination safely. Arriving late is better than not arriving at all.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

 

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Kevin Cycles!

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The warmer weather, whilst bringing out barbecues, picnic rugs and paddling pools, also brings out cyclists onto the roads. While most are considerate and safety conscious, there are some who see car drivers as the enemy and behave accordingly. This is all the more apparent on country roads and lanes, where space is already at a premium…

When Kevin dons his lycra,
he finds he’s at a loss,
why motorists seem to swear at him,
‘cos he thinks he’s the boss!
He swoops down country lanes,
he doesn’t give a damn,
in his mind you will find,
he thinks that he’s ‘The Man!’
A mummy’s doing the school run,
Little Freddie calls her ‘a bitch’,
for a moment she’s distracted,
and Kevin’s in the ditch.

Ride carefully Kevin. With apologies to all the considerate and careful riders out there, keep peddling and stay safe.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


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The Spider and the Spoon!

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I must have been playing in the long grass when my mother gave her cubs the etiquette lesson because I’m a social failure. Either I get motor-mouth-bore factor 50 or I am struck dumb with gargoyle-stone-tongue-syndrome. On Sunday I went to a wonderful 60th birthday party, lovely surroundings, sunshine, very tasty wine, marquee on an English lawn, one of over 100 guests and a seating plan for lunch. I knew quite a few of the other guests but have an inbuilt dread of seating plans. We sat down for lunch and I found myself between the daughter of the birthday-girl (a young and pretty Australian nurse) and a spritely and feisty grandmother. I tried to be a good guest, attempting to share attention, until the grandmother dug me in the ribs with a well-sharpened elbow…

“I think that you will find,
there’s a spider in your spoon,
and as it’s nearly two,
they’ll serve pudding very soon!”
I looked at my cutlery,
and suddenly could see,
the ‘spider’ she was talking about,
was the roof of the marquee!
In horror my brain went frozen,
what was I to do?
Suggest a trip to Specsavers,
or dash out to the loo?
So I picked up the spoon,
and gave it a mighty clack,
then she said the immortal words:
“Oh look! The spider’s back!”

With massive apologies to my wonderful lunchtime neighbours for the embellishment of the simple tale. Although in my defence, I did tell the grandmother as I took the photo that I had no idea how I’d include a spoon into a verse!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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Something Called Love!

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We have rescued another duck, this time a white female who was abandoned when her owners moved house and left her behind. After a few false starts when she assumed she was a rather small goose and tagged onto the others, she has now settled down and is attempting to attract the eye of another of our residents…

Miss Jemima Duddlepuck’s boyfriend,
is very very shy,
pretends he cant’t see her,
when she gives him the eye!
He hides his head,
when she says “look at me!”
He quietly responds,
“it’s no use I can’t see!”
He just doesn’t get it,
looks like he’ll get the shove,
it’s that weird condition,
something they call love!

Thank you TR for suggesting in your e-mail: ‘it’s just a man-thing!’ Of course I couldn’t possibly comment!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

 

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The Bridesmaid’s Blossom!

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This year the blossom on the trees seems to be more radiant than ever. In particular, the flowering cherry has outshone them all. Looking out of the window I was reminded of a bridesmaid at a wedding…

Like a rather large bridesmaid,
in her bridesmaid’s dress,
the flowering cherry,
is desperate to impress!
But in this case,
when seen from inside,
this large pink bridesmaid,
outshines the bride!

For all those who misread the title, I hope you had a little chuckle, have a good day and stay lucky!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


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