Monthly Archives: September 2018

Like a Bird (in the Sky)!

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Many years ago, back in the early seventies, there was a TV advert for a lighter bread called Nimble. The advert had a nubile young maiden (probably now in her mid-seventies!) floating in a hot-air balloon to a backing track by pop group Honeybus ‘She flies like a bird in the sky…’ I was reminded of this yesterday morning when the farm was overflown by a balloon sponsored by a very different company…

She flies like a virgin in the sky,
I’d like to fly with her I don’t know why!
Her large voluminous skirt,
Would well match my shirt,
as we go gently floating by!
Up there in the sky – clear blue,
I’d wave back down to you!
She’d offer no resistance,
(she never goes full distance),
as we’d go gently floating by!

Have a great Friday and weekend. Stay healthy, wise and safe!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


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The Dangers of Peanut Butter!

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One of the downsides to living in the countryside in autumn is the annual migration of mice into the house from outside. Not only are they odorous and irritating in the larder, but they make a tremendous racket underneath the floorboards. While some may disagree with using mouse traps, it is instant, unlike poison which kills slowly sometimes taking hours to achieve its objective and then leaving behind a rotting smell for days. In the last week we have disposed of over twenty, sometimes two or more to a trap, knowing my luck I’ll return in the next life as a mouse…

Three Dancing Mice
don’t they have fun
they dance behind the skirting boards
sounding like the ravaging hoards
swinging wildly to the musical chords
Three dancing mice

Three dancing mice
they no longer swing
tempted by some peanut butter
“A wonderful smell!” one did utter
a snap and then a disbelief stutter
Three dead mice

Stay safe out there and avoid peanut butter at all costs!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


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The Harbour Date!

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Recently I was wandering along a harbour when I spotted two pigeons sitting in a rowing boat. Nothing odd in that you might think, ‘Pigeons in a boat? See it every day!’ For some time it has sat on my desktop and I was getting bored of looking at it! So there was just one way to get rid of it and that was use it this morning. Sorry…

Peter and Pauline
went on a date,
Pauline was early,
Peter was late!

“Good of you to get here!”
Pauline announced,
then turned on her heels,
and off she trounced!

“I’ve arranged something special,
there’s no need to gloat,
come and join me,
we’re going on a boat!”

“Well, this is romantic!”
Pauline perched on the seat,
it’s no ocean liner,
and there’s nowhere to eat!”

Just then a sandwich,
thrown from the pier,
“Just what do you call this?”
“BLT my dear!”

If you’re on a date today, avoid a rowing boat and sandwiches!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

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Monday Morning Motivation!

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When walking up to the workshop to fetch a power tool I noticed the yard had weeds growing out of every crack in the concrete. This never happened when the farmyard was busy, so it’s out with the knapsack sprayer as there’s no better time than right now (and conditions were perfect: sunshine and dry with no wind)…

An under-used farmyard grows only weeds,
hustle and bustle is what it needs.
Tractors rushing to and fro,
collecting machines and off they go!
Lorries arriving for a loads of grain,
intense activity ‘till they’re gone again.
There’s now no fertiliser nor bags of seed,
any rushing around there’s no need.
So when the farmer’s no longer a player
it’s out to the farmyard with his knapsack sprayer

Have a great Monday! I wish you flowers not weeds in your day today!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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Broadstairs Beach!

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For the last eighteen days my father has lain in a hospital bed; immobile, sometimes asleep and often confused. My family and I have spent many hours by his bedside to relieve the nurses so they can see to others. The other day he looked out of the hospital window towards the next hospital block and declared that ‘the sea is calm off Broadstairs Beach’. His dementia has been heightened by his immobility and medical condition. However I’m not actually sure that it’s a bad thing as he’s spending much time ‘away’ and judging by the grin on his face, he’s not in a bad place…

The weather’s always fine on Broadstairs Beach,
back many many years ago,
my father sits there with his family,
it’s a place he likes to go!
It makes a great change from a hospital bed,
with the hustle and bustle of a ward,
the embarrassing use of a commode or a pot,
and absolves him from getting bored!
So when he is absent away in his dreams,
a place that is beyond daily reach,
he is enjoying the sun on his face,
we all need a Broadstairs Beach!

Have a great Friday and may you get to spend time in your own little world!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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One of These…!

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One of these is not like the rest. We have a small white duck on the farm who suffers from ‘Species Confusion’. Wherever the geese go, there is a small Jemima Duddlepuck following on behind. When the geese honk, there is a quack to be heard in there as well. She is one confused little duck, perhaps she needs counseling…

We have a duck,
who think’s she’s a goose,
she suffers species confusion,
may even think she’s called Bruce!

When she tries to be friendly,
they squawk and they hiss,
but she never gives up,
she’s one determined little Miss!

Enjoy your Thursday and remember there’s no shame in being different – We all are!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

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Exhausted Pipes!

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As regular readers of this column will attest, I can sometimes be a pillock! This achieves two objectives, firstly it irritates people and secondly ends in a public humiliation/apology from me. Yesterday I broke a cardinal rule and was was rude about the love of someone’s life…

The constant love of Otto’s life,
Is chunky (and I don’t mean a wife!),
Her proportioned curves which he likes,
end in long straight-thru exhaust pipes!
Sadly his motorbike wasn’t feeling well,
a clutch seizure was giving her hell.
Along came me in pillock mode,
Suggested he had a forklift load!
I offered a push with my tractor,
(an irritating force-ten factor).
I didn’t know when to quit,
So sorry Otto for being a git!

To make things worse I didn’t have a picture of his bike, so had to find some exhaust pipes for a photo! Will rectify as soon as possible!
Have a great day and remember never be rude about anyones pride and joy


© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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It’s a dogs life!

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I was looking through some recent photos and came across one that made me think. It came as a shock to suddenly realise that the dogs in this household don’t worry about anything. They have no worries about money, accommodation, jobs or clothes and have the ability to make their humans worry about them, even apologising to them if their dinner is late.I so want to be a dog…

She sits contented on the settee,
no real problems at all has she.
She sleeps with contentment every night,
only worries about what’s in her sight.
She often wonders ‘when’s my meal?’
no other troubles imagined or real.
As for housework she doesn’t care,
the sofa’s covered in her hair!
She’s so superior she doesn’t talk
sits by the door when she wants a walk!
If I had a choice a dog I’d be
…but only if my owner was me!

Have a great day and may all your worries evaporate!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


 

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Droning On!

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Yesterday two young ladies visited the farm from a famous farming publication to find out how and why I fly a drone. They were very patient with an old man and listened as I attempted to explain. Then we went out to a field where they ‘took to the skies’ and the drone behaved itself impeccably. I had forgotten how terrifying it is to be interviewed and may have ‘droned on’…

Two young ladies,
came to my home,
so they could discover,
how to fly a farming drone.
They were polite,
and didn’t ignore,
the bluster of a pensioner,
a proper droning bore!
We then adjourned,
out onto the farm,
where they tried flying,
with no sense of alarm.
Later as I sat,
in my father’s hospital room,
I decided there were worse ways,
to spend a sunny afternoon!

With thanks to Lucinda and Hannah for their remarkable patience!
I hope everyone has a great weekend – be kind to a pensioner, even when they drone on!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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My Disruptive Drone Demon!

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Today I’m entertaining a journalist who wants to know about drone-use in agriculture and I’m running scared! Technology has the capability of letting you down at the most inopportune moments and despite immaculate preparations and training, it’s always best to expect the unexpected. I am convinced that there is a little demon who lives inside my drone, I call him ‘Landin’…

‘Landin’ lives inside my drone,
in a wire-like structure he calls his home.
At random moments he can deliver,
unexpected problems that make me shiver!
Some months ago I can’t think why,
he took control made it “no fly!”
As trees appeared in its flight path,
I could hear his screeching demonic laugh.
You’ve got all ready for a flight,
‘Firmware Upgrade Needed’ it’s just not right.
If someone’s watching (not a show),
a helicopter appears flying low.
So my fingers are crossed for today,
I just hope the little demon’s away!

What my little demon hasn’t yet appreciated is that I had good training thanks to Sion and the good guys at RUSTA (https://www.rustauas.com) and so whenever anything goes wrong I’m prepared, even if it results in a CVCS (Controlled Vertical Crash Solution!).

Have a great day and I hope your little demon stays away from whatever you’re doing today!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

 

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