Health and Safety in the workplace is of paramount importance. However there is a tendency for the over-zealous to invent ‘new regulations’ which then are inflated by an over-eager media, sometimes becoming urban legends. These more outlandish regulations can make businesses and local authorities look ridiculous. The other day we had a man from a former public utility surround his parked van with mini cones. Had it been parked on the side of a busy dual carriageway I could see the reasoning, but in a quiet farmyard? His justification was, of course, “Elf and Safety, Mate!” A friend told me of an eager Health and Safety Officer in the company where he works… (Names places and events that follow are entirely fictitious and bear no resemblance to anyone, anything or anywhere at anytime!)

Young Timothy Splott works for a firm,
He’s in Health and Safety with so much to learn.
He spends his time at work every day,
Telling employees to do what he say.
His written risk assessments are boring and long,
He tours the site to tell workers they’re wrong.
He insists on hard hats for climbing up steps,
And signed visitor badges before talking to reps.
He preens like a peacock when regulations abound,
Folks run for miles when they hear he’s around.
His workmates take the mickey and try not to grin,
They’re creating trip hazards especially for him!

He dated young Janey from down in accounts,
Filled in a risk assessment just in case she should pounce!
Took desperate measures to avoid her short skirt,
Including soft padding in case she should flirt!
They went to a bar where he ordered a drink,
Totted up the units it’s important to think.
When she put out her hand and stroked his leg,
He was proud of the padding he had there instead!
They went back to her place for a nightcap (or more!)
He tripped over the cat and slipped on the floor.
His ardour was dented as was his pride,
He ran out of the bedroom his assessment denied!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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